The Chaser Report - ConnBank

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

John enlightens Dom and Lachlan with his brand new plan for making The Chaser money, inspired by Commonwealth Bank. Meanwhile Lachlan has dived into the latest data from Tinder's year in review, much to Dom's disgust. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser report. Joining me, Dom. Again, today we have John Delmenico, editor of The Chaser. Hello. And producer Lachlan Hodson. Howdy.

Look, I'm very excited about today's pod. You've both brought a story to the table. Lachlan, you've been researching modern love. Oh, yeah. When I got told that I had to bring a subject today, I thought, I've got to go straight to the greatest news source in the country, and that is Tinder's year in swipe 2024. Tinder released a whole bunch of data about what its users have been doing this year.

Sounds very classy. And John, what tasty dish have you brought for us? What tasty news dish have we got? I found a brand new way for the chase that I make a bunch of money through simply holding onto money. So the role of Charles Firth, that we played in today's podcast, by John Delmenico. We'll get into this after these very wonderful ads

from whoever paid us today. Thank you to whoever that was. Just double-checking, Lachlan. This is the story that editorially you can talk about, right? Yeah, I can talk about it. Yeah, cool. I can talk. Let's leave this bit in, so that's not awkward at all.

Go on. John, what is this story that you ask and why might I not be able to talk about it? Not that I had to make any edits in yesterday's episode So Commonwealth Bank Have come up with a brand new way to make some money Because obviously banks weren't making enough money to begin with in Australia Yeah, it's been a problem

Yeah, it's the poor things They're really doing it to cost of living I mean, people talk about Yeah, sent to link recipients But the banks are the ones who've really been struggling I mean shrinkflation wise I hear the big fours have to go down to a big three That's right shocking stuff

Well actually talking about the number three The way that this bank has made to make more money, is every time someone wants to withdraw money from their own bank account, they're going to be charged $3 for now on. Which bank? Commonwealth Bank. Hey, still a brand still works. Yeah, so it's an interesting idea, isn't it?

They have my money. If I want my money, they get three bucks out of it. I must say, though, I mean, there've been, you know, ATM fees for a very long time. If you use an ATM other than your own, and it's hard to find big bank ATMs anymore. to outsource them all to Armagarde or whoever. We've always paid stupid money for that. What's different about this? Well, that is what they're arguing,

that it's also harder now to, and obviously because there's less money in circulation and buying money from the Reserve Bank cost money, they're now passing that cost onto the consumer. So if you want to... So to make money, you've got to have money, but to have money, you've got to spend money. We should be at a bank's commerce department

with this sort of brilliant logic, I'll tell you what. Well, I mean, the trend isn't the whole thing They don't want us to go to branches anymore The fewer branches they can have The fewer people they can have Having to hand over money The easier it is for them This is where I think the chaser can make a bunch of money

Because I think Commonwealth Bank isn't going far enough Only charging $3 whenever you take money out of your own bank account Why stop there? Why not charge them for creating a bank account Charge them every time they put money into the bank account You can charge them every time they log in You know, all those things are theoretically security issues. If you can just, you know, add like a ticket tech style handling fee to every single part of the process.

Just think of the amount of money you would make from other people's money and you wouldn't even, and it's not your money on the line anyway. This is the WWJD approach to business, isn't it? Not what would Jesus do? What would Jetstar do? I was going to say you've already mentioned Ticket Tech. And I think that they should also do what Ticket Tech does, which is instead of having a line where if people want to buy a ticket, it's a direct line for when you can get one based on when you turned up in the line.

What if whenever you wanted to transfer money from your bank account, you were put into a randomized waiting room. And you had to wait anywhere between 10 minutes and 12 days to get to your account. Yeah, or to get the same result, you could just sort of Australia post it to yourself. And we can allow scalping so that other people can transfer money out of your bank account

if they get in early enough. Now we're talking. Do they still charge three bucks if I go through Australia Post? Is that legit? Oh, probably. I'm not sure. Oh my goodness.

But look, people are up in arms. I'm a bit torn about this because yes, okay, I completely understand that it's just banks gouging and it's our money and all this kind of stuff. But as against that,

the kind of people who want to withdraw cash from a bank are either likely to be somehow involved in organised crime or something. You know that the idea that almost every $100 bill in Australia is inorganised crime. Like you never see a hundred dollar bill. There's a vast number of them.

They're just all being used for some nefarious purpose, supposedly. That explains why Charles pays me in $100 bills. That's right. That's one use. But the only other people who care about cash are those weird cookers who worry that the government's got a conspiracy to, you know, basically control us and embed chips in us. I kind of like them losing this one in a way. So maybe I'm on the CBA side of you.

I was going to say, the only other people I can imagine getting extremely upset by this are your Bob Catter types who, Dom, it's not money you're talking about. It's what Bob Catter calls legal tender. This is my legal tender. I don't know why that came out a bit more Scott Morrison than did Bob Catter. Oh, well, guys, it was sort of like the love child of both, like it was genuinely freaky. Thank you, thank you. No, it's those cookers who are going to be particularly upset.

and I feel bad for them because $3, that's going to be half of their savings. Yeah, yeah. Look, and if Bob Cat is upset with it, then we obviously can't possibly do it. He's got the balance of power or something. As a Cam Barron, I am offended that you guys have missed the other group that needs cash constantly, which is drug addicts. It's going to really hurt the parliamentary staff of Australia. If they have to take out $3, what would be what, every?

single day, maybe a couple times a day if they have to write that many bills. You're right. You can't snort stuff through your credit card or your Apple pay, can you? And doing this direct cost of living. I mean, you can't snort stuff off of a $2 coin and a $1 coin either. So I don't see how that matters. You can't roll up an ATM card.

But I've got the stats. Just on the thing about cash being used in crimes. Now, this is from 2016. But apparently there are three, back in 2016, there were $300 million $100 bills. And no one has. ever seen one. So yeah, apparently in the US only 5% of consumers use $100 notes. So yeah, it's basically big bills are used for drug trade, tax evasion, money laundering and terrorist

financing. So if we got rid of cash completely, life would be a lot more boring. Maybe we should keep them. I've just had a fantastic new idea for what we should sell as our next company destroying Christmas merch. And it's $100 bills. Because if no one's seen one, then no one will be able to actually tell us if they're authentic or not. All right. Let's take a moment. Then we'll dive into the world of dating with Loughlin Hodson. No one has ever said that before in their life.

I didn't say it was going to be enjoyable. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. All right. Our own Mr. Tinder, Lachlan Hodson. Swipes on something for us. Oh, yeah.

Boys, you guys on the apps? Are we on the apps? That's what apparently you say if you're on the apps. I like how as the youngest person on this podcast, you just said a phrase that Gen Z says, in a way, that might be the most boomer way I've ever heard it? Okay, boomer. If I've been accused of anything in my life,

it's being a boomer trapped in a 24-year-old's body, and I am not escaping those allegations anytime soon. No, it's getting to that time of year where companies are doing this really cute thing where they get forgiven for storing all of our data for the entire year, because they make fun infographics about us. Yeah, they all copy Spotify wrapped. If I'm correct, this episode will have come out after Spotify wrapped has come out.

That's my bold prediction. And as well as Spotify wrapped, Tinder has gotten onto the grind. So to speak. Tinder does love grinding. Boys, this is a classy podcast recording, and I will not have you ruining that. Just gently reminding you, I'm 47 years old. I think the term boys is generous. But anyway.

So every year Tinder does something called. It's Year in Swipe where they reveal what its users globally and in Australia got up to this year. And there's a lot of data. There's a lot of data that they've released in their report. And I have been crunching the numbers. And I've got to say, there's some uplifting stuff in there that I think you guys will enjoy hearing. I think it will give you guys hope in what the future generations are going to be capable of when it comes to repopulation. One of the things that Tinder released was what top songs users were putting on their profile

to tell the other potential partners what kind of music you're into. It's a sign of your personality and it's also a sign of how you maybe set the mood. So what do you guys think was the number one most popular song that got matches globally? Yeah, this year. This year. This year, in 2024, what song do you? do you think was the most effective at getting people matches on Tinder? Can we ask the person who has more of a clue than me about anything that's happened in pop music since 1980?

Yes. John, what big song events were there this year? You know, we had the Eras Tour. We had Sabrina Carpenter. Lots of sexy songs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's got to be espresso. I would have said Sabrina Carpenter until you said it then, and I know that that's a red herring. So now I'm thinking, is it not like us? John Kendrick Lamar You think that Kendrick Lamar's

Drake disc track would be the most effective song at getting people matches on Tinder in 2024 I mean I would hope the opposite I would hope

that would basically shut down and in liaison Well you would be absolutely correct Because yes That was the most What is wrong

with your generation? Yep Yep I assume it was really good at letting potential partners know that I'm not like other guys

I just listen to the same song As every other guy Let's just get together and get a little freaky to the strains of someone calling someone else a paedophile. Yeah, that'll put me in the mood. I don't understand you, young people.

I mean, this makes me feel better because I was afraid it was going to be one of the songs from the Queensland Little Leaders' playlist that got leaked this year. Oh, yes. Which, if you haven't seen, the playlist he has sex to, he accidentally made public on Spotify. Now, that is a Spotify wrapped I need to hear. That, on the list, there is earned it. by the weekend

back to sleep by Chris Brown hot slow hands by Nile Harren Oh that's good and more by Usher and wet the bed

by Chris Brown so a lot of Chris Brown I was actually conceived to wet the bed by Chris Brown I honestly think that's genuinely disturbing

and I'd like to leave this podcast please no okay I'm surprised that one didn't get you guys feeling more hopeful maybe maybe this next fact will

so another important part of when you're setting up a Tinder profile is what beautiful words you use in your bio and in your captions so that people kind of get a sense, again, of your personality, maybe a sense of humour. Lots of people use trendy words or phrases.

So what was the top trendy phrase from this year that was also the most successful at getting matches on Tinder? I mean, I know so little about what's been memen this year that I'm either in his strength or as, advantage. Like, for something to have reached me, it must be absolutely massive, like, not like us. Or I have no idea. So, I don't know which it is, but I mean, the only thing I could think of is brat. Oh, brats a good guess. Brad is a good guess. Unfortunately, Brad isn't it. But, but I like that you've realized it's got to be something massive. Yeah, John. I'm going to go somewhere completely

left afield here. Yeah. And I'm going to say Skittity. Oh, Skivety. Oh, man. Did Skibbitt John, I love the, I love the way you're thinking. But I'm Unfortunately, no, Dom's guess was more accurate. No, gentlemen, the answer for what the most trendy phrase was, and you'll both be very familiar with the legend of the Huck Tour girl. Yeah. Oh, God. I was going to say that.

Dear listener, you cannot see, but Dom is face-farming harder than he ever has in his life. If you're telling me people are genuinely hooking up to anything involving, not like us, and the Huach-Tur girl, The species is due. We may as well let climate change to its thing. I mean, I can't wait to see on how many Spotify raps The Talk Tour podcast is on, which is the podcast that was launched by the Hock Tour meme girl.

She's had a fantastic career ever since appearing in a single Voxpop earlier this year. What's one move in bed that makes a man go crazy every time? Oh, you got to give him that Hock 2 and spit on that thing. I think you guys are losing your faith in a dating app's ability. to find partners. I'll ask one more question. I'm not. I'm not losing my faith in you. Dom, you said you're not across the culture,

but you've got to be across emojis. Sure. Which emoji do you think was the most frequently used on Tinder this year? Eggplant, can we go home now? So here's the thing. If we're talking about frequency versus success rate, that is two completely different things. Yeah, now we're talking about frequency.

Is it the droplets? Oh! John, you are actually incorrect because it was the red bow emoji. Apparently, it's a symbol that says to a potential match, this is me, if you even care. I will add a slight disclaimer, though, which is that the eggplant emoji,

the peach emoji, and the droplet emoji, and the squid emoji have all been banned from winning this category. That is absolutely outrageous. That is a rigged election right there. We need a store on the Tinder capital because that, no, they can't take away. I don't want to know why Squid was banned. If you know, you know.

I'm going to ignore that one. But the other three are staples in the sexual harassment on Tinder. Yeah. How do you even creep on someone and violate all kinds of policy without an eggplant and droplets? That is hopeful. I can now see why you said this is a hopeful segment. Yeah. Thank you.

Actually, that's right. It just goes to show that while people are on Tinder, and that's the only thing that it's disconnected and atomized world we can realistically do. We are all holding space, may I say, for real connection. Holding space. That's a meme, bros. Here you are saying you don't speak our lingo and you're dropping holding space on us. I am truly defying gravity right now.

We're a part of the Iconiclass Network and we'll catch you next time on the feed. That's it.