The Chaser Report - CONVERSATIONS without Richard Fidler

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

To continue our Podcast Swearing-In Week we have kidnapped Richard Fidler and commandeered his award-winning podcast 'Conversations'. Joined by Andrew Hansen, Charles and Dom take a look at where all Sydney's drugs are going, and debate whether it should be illegal for world leader's to dance. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is today on Conversations. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report podcast for Tuesday, the 23rd of August, 2022. This podcast comes to you from Gatigall Land. I'm Domnaut. Charles Firth is here. Yay! So Charles, all this week we're pretending to be other podcasts. Yes.

In order to drive our ratings hired, just looking at the charts and seeing what people like. And also because Scott Morrison just appointed himself to be a whole lot of ministers. It's a great precedent. What a sensible idea that's proven to be when even John Howard is now criticising him for it. So I was thinking if there's a really easy way to do it for today where, I mean, it's quite hard to do Corona cast, for instance, without any medical knowledge. Yeah, yeah. But there's another ABC podcast that would let us just do anything. Oh, yeah.

It's just called Conversations. Oh, yeah. With Richard Feather. And what about we do it without Richard Feather? And to be clear, we should call these conversations with Richard. Fiedler without Richard Fidelor. Brilliant. That'll be the...

Because occasionally other people fill in on... Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good. Welcome to this episode of conversations with Richard Fideler. I'm not Richard Fidelder. And nor am I. And my co-host is not Richard Fidel either. And here is where they would normally put a beautifully crafted and written intro that drags you into the story.

Oh, yes. Really makes it come to life in a relatable way. Yes. Just makes you lean in and go, oh, those details. I just can't wait to hear more about that. years. Today on Conversations, there's blood, sex and magic. And food and cooking and gastronomy, a new kind of zipper. A doctor without a border, an epic horse race to Kazakhstan, an international foreign correspondence, a key that will open a door, a skeleton of a horse,

the fathomless, dark depths of the ocean, wilder and more delightful than any children's book. There's also an exquisite violin, two prosthetic legs, a club DJ, Nepal, Pakistan, South America, and Mongolia and chocolate ice cream. So today you're going to hear the origin story of Charles's life. Boyler alert, please block your ears. Hi, Charles, welcome. Today on Conversations. And Andrew Hanson rejoins the podcast.

Hello again, Andrew. Boom. How's Melbourne? It's sort of a chilly sort of flat place. Anything different in Sydney? Beautiful day. It's a lovely, 22 degrees. But Andrew, I've felt sorry for you in so many ways since you've moved to Melbourne.

had more lockdowns, less sun, less joy, a bit of wardrobe. But the thing you've missed out on most of all is cocaine. Big news in The Herald a couple of days ago, Charles, the Sydney newspaper record, which is that Sydney's cocaine consumption has shot right back up. You know, the town is back. It's absolutely fantastic. We've had heaps of arrests. I did have a good weekend.

A spate of arrests have come through. Wastewater testing, so the thing where they're going to sift through the poop. They used to look forward. for COVID. They'd look for anything in there. And they've discovered the token usage is higher than in Sydney than anywhere else in the country, thanks to our poo. Well, hang on, hang on, hang on.

I thought that they'd made all these seizures. And the police a few weeks ago put out a press release saying that they'd got hundreds of kilograms of cocaine. Well, that's clearly what's going on. Oh, and they've seized the cocaine and they've used it and it's shown up in the wastewater. Right, okay. So, yes, apparently a third of the arrest, it was in. in, unsurprisingly, it's the Sydney CBD Waverly and Randwick.

So the east, yeah, the eastern suburbs is where it's all going on. And it's in the past decade, no arrests, rather than compared with December of last year, there was only one other month with more arrests for cocaine. That was in December 2019, so just before the pandemic. So wait a minute, there's more cocaine and there's more arrests. Yes, there's more, there's both, both are spiking. Is it just because the police then resell the cocaine? That could be it.

That, and it's a more efficient chance. Like, I don't understand, like, what, it seems to me this endless sort of fight against something that you're never going to end. Are you saying that the war on drugs is futile? Yes. How do you feel now, Andrew, about the decision to move to Melbourne and move away from both the cocaine party land of Sydney and the chance of getting arrested? Well, not quite fine. I mean, I've never been a cocaine user. I always found, you know, I've met a few people who have used cocaine and they've all been very irritating sort of people.

So it's not something that I particularly miss. But I feel that this is kind of good news. It kind of goes along to me with this whole sort of economic recovery story that we're in Australia at the moment. You know, very, very high employment rate, we're told. A very, very high rate of white powder going up noses. You know, it's tied in with optimism, I feel. I feel that this is sort of a positive thing for people. Well, that's a very well put.

Because, I mean, people keep saying that Sydney's going to be a 24-hour city. That's the whole aim. They want Sydney to be a 24-hour city. Well, they've wanted it to be for a long time, haven't it? The reality is that that goal is only achievable by putting something that we know at about 11pm, because there's nothing to do still after about one. It's not like Melbourne where you can go and get a full three-course meal at 4 a.m. Yeah, because you'd just be bored.

Well, that's true. You can't listen to live music and you can't go to a music festival without your daughter being strip-searched. I mean, there are limited. But there is one activity that you can do, 24 hours and sit-im, just play the pokies. That's still available to, I think, 6 a. Oh, yes. Well, the Coke would help with that, wouldn't it?

Because you could stay awake to do some more Queen of the Nile. Yeah, could. Couldn't you? That's the one great activity that we have. What if the machines should actually come with a sort of shelf. Yeah, so that you can actually snort lines in between the plane lines. What are they thinking? Well, also, they give complimentary, like, drinks of coke rather than lines of coke in those places.

Yeah, yeah. But Sydney is back is the point. I'm very proud. I don't know. I'd prefer the Sydney of old when heroin was the drug du jour. Well, they were the days, were they, you know, happy days. Except for the junkies. Well, no, actually, some of the happiest people I know were junkies.

Well, until they died. Terribly romantic, isn't it? I mean, the creativity, the wasting slowly away, the pain in the up. I mean, it's hard to put a positive spitter on actually now that I think. But I mean, I'd never try it to heroin myself. I think the other thing is that because I always assume whenever you hear somebody in their late 40s dying, you sort of go, oh, they were probably doing cocaine.

Like, isn't that the whole thing? The stuff they're harder. The age that we're reaching is the point at which, if you do cocaine, you end up dead. Certainly true after the death of a certain, I don't want to name any names, but a certain prominent cricketer earlier in the year. And frankly, there's been quite a few that have,

there was one where everyone kind of went, it was probably the Coke wasn't that what people were saying in the aftermath of let's call him Shane very unkind I don't know who you're talking about and I don't know I don't want you to be casting aspersions on anyone named There's been a few shanes that have played for the Australian

team haven't you? Could be any particular Shane but I feel that's a nasty sort of conspiracy theory I mean it was later ruled out by positive press coverage but I don't know what the actual The ultimate test I certainly think

it's something that younger hearts are probably better equipped to deal with it. Yeah, it is a bit of a cautionary tale there's got to be an age. I mean, it should come really in the little packets with safety warnings, shouldn't it? They have a safety warning.

Yeah, and there's safety warnings and probably the white powder that you should be taking, you know, as you're into your 50s, should be haulies. It should be. Can you imagine the police just cracking down and, you know,

taking over the, Contractors to supply Horlicks. Just as you drift slowly off. I don't even know what it is. I'm imagining a cup of liquid that smells kind of like cheap beef. Is that what Horlicks is? No, no, no, it's multi. It's sweet and malty and milky.

It's very hard to digest, ironically. It'd give you a roaring stomachache all night and then waking up at 3 a.m. To do a massive piss. But for some reason, a huge mug of warm Horlicks is what's recommended to get you through the bloody night. This huge thing that's coming. out of a cow, mostly. I mean, we're not designed to drink this stuff.

It's not an attractive name, either, Horlicks. Well, it depends what you're into. It's the other one that keeps shame anyone. Today on Conversations. Speaking of cocaine news and partying and all the things that I never did, really, but that some people allegedly did, there's been a big debate in Finland. I don't know whether you've seen this.

There's been a lot of argument in Finland about their prime minister. They've got the youngest world leader. anywhere they've got the PM she's 37 years old son of maran sorry 36 years old and she had what it seems to be an all-nighter and it all got captured on social media the way things are yeah she was in an apartment yeah basically partying very very hard until 4 a m or something like that yeah and there was a lot of criticism for you know having fun for daring to have fun despite being a world leader and then there was a suggestion that she and her friends were were only up till 4 a m because they were all high and so i guess the question is

should world leaders on their night off be allowed to indulge in in chemicals? Well, if they're as good at dancing as I saw the videos, she was great. Like, she was just partying a lot. And I think the answer is yes. I don't want

Joe Biden doing that because he would be terrible at dancing. Surely there's a lot of medication keeping Joe Biden functioning. That's right. Exactly. But also, I think what fascinates me about this story is we're talking about her dancing, right, as if it's some sort of scandal.

When, like, Russia invaded Finland this week. Why isn't that? Well, last week. Like, Russia literally violated, repeatedly violated the airspace over Finland. Right. But instead, the big story coming out of Finland is not, Russia fucking invaded them. It's, oh, dear, somebody danced. I was not aware that Russia had technically invaded.

Finland, and the video is not going to be as good as the video at the PM dancing. How weird to have two stories coming out of Finland in one week. That's more than the usual. They're punching above that way news-wise. The Finns, aren't they? So were she too busy partying, Charles, to pay attention to the territorial violation? I think this is a Russian counter-propaganda thing. I think the Russians hacked who's ever phone that was videoed on.

Really? And leaked it in order to sort of draw attention away from the fact that they, The Russians are invading Finland. And it was brilliant. And it worked. It was completely. They should have thought of that with Ukraine. They should have leaked some video of Zelensky having a good time.

Yes. And nobody would have noticed the whole war. Exactly. Unfortunately, whenever they release a video of Zelensky, he gets more popular because he's, you know, a TV. Like the Finnish PM as well. I get the sense that this Finnish PM is now hugely popular. She's like, she's the new Jacinda Ardern. Yes.

Yes. Oh, you'd have to feel sad for Jacinda Arden, though, wouldn't you? Because she was like. She was the cool world leader and now she's been out cool. She has. She'll have to do something in the next week, won't she? How would you want up those dance videos? I think you would take cocaine on camera and that way.

No, no, but you need to do something that sort of sticks it up to the man, doesn't it? Like ban billionaires or something like that. Or, you know, like make billionaires. Does they have billionaires in New Zealand? Are there any New Zealand? Yeah, they've got tons. No, no, actually, that's the brilliant thing about New Zealand is. So a lot of billionaires bought citizenship to New Zealand in the years leading up to the pandemic.

The pandemic happens. And so all these American billionaires who sort of went, oh, it's all right. I've got my sanctuary down in New Zealand, wanted to go to New Zealand. And New Zealand just went, nah, back off. You can't come in. Oh, right. We've locked down our borders. Fuck you.

I must say, I mean, for many, many decades, you would have thought that New Zealand's status. as the literal last end of the world, like even more obscure than Australia, that would have been a negative. But it's an amazing way to sell passports. Yes, yeah, exactly. Because no one can think of a more obscure country to go and live in during the apocalypse than New Zealand is brilliant. Yeah, but it didn't work.

It's very, very clever. Are we going to move to New Zealand if things turn bad? Is that the next step? Yes, yes. I know, definitely. I'm going to go there and live in a Zorb ball. So it would be protected from everything. You know, because nothing can get you in just like one of those things.

They're very spongy. Airtight. Yes, yes. Very fun. Is it a fun way to get around? Maybe that it would just be too boring. Like part of the interest in being in the apocalypse is like being in it. Well, it would certainly the stakes would be high, wouldn't it?

It'd be very exciting. Yes, exactly. But if you go to New Zealand, it'd be like, oh, there's a sheep. And there's some fields. But also, they'd still get it. They still get the apocalypse. It would just come five to ten years after everywhere else. And it would impact you because you wouldn't be able to get your favorite imported breakfast cereal or something.

You know, you've really talked me around to being, you know, flamed in the apocalypse. Because you'd be like you'd be stuck in Wellington and the only thing to do would be visiting Peter Jackson's little hobbit hole. And Wellington's a shithole. Have you ever been to Wellington? No, it's like living in Hornsby or something. And there was one cool street. And that was it And it's freezing

It's fucking freezing We went there in summer It was like 13 degrees And they don't see summers Yeah they don't do summer And and it's really far south It's like closer to Antarctica Than

Than Hornsby Yeah I don't know I just want to know Should Anthony Albanese Be staying up all night And dancing Should he be partying

And should he be taking cocaine Is this what all the core world leaders are doing Oh I think you're right Domino effect all of a sudden. A lot of world leaders are going to be at nightclubs partying because of the positive image. I think we're going to see a lot more of this.

Like Boris Johnson? Boris Johnson will be, oh no, wait a minute. You already was. Because he know, oh, but you know what he should do? Yeah. He should offer to DJ. Because he's probably, it's too old,

he's probably a bit creaky to dance. He should get the Finnish PM. No, the elbow, Albo is a DJ. Albo should DJ for the Finnish PM. Oh, yeah. And so he'd have a. Reflected cool. Yes.

From her. Yes. He said all of his songs would be Billy Bragg. Give it up for the 50-year-old DJ. DJ Albo is the exclusive Billy Bragg playlist. Try dancing to these dour songs about socialism in England. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the Acast Credit Network.

We'll get you tomorrow. Certainly well.