The Chaser Report - COVIDSafe or COVIDSorry

Episode Date: April 30, 2020

With the COVIDSafe App now out, Scott Morrison implores all Australians to download The Chaser Report podcast. Charles takes a look at another COVID App that promises to diagnose you without any pesky interaction with medical professionals. Andrew takes a look at yet more sincere celebrity isolation vides, while Dom reviews Pete Evans’ Biocharger. And how to win an argument with your partner while in lockdown. Plus the latest Chaser headlines from Bec De Unamuno delivering all the news you can’t trust. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to another episode of The Chaser Report. News You Can't Trust. I'm Charles Firth, and joining me today are Andrew Hansen and Dom Knight. And a big thing that happened this week was the government launched the COVID safe app.

Yes, that's right. Australia is now officially living in a surveillance state. And it seems like everyone's been pretty willing to just give up all their civil liberties if it means spending any less time with their families. That's really heartening. Andrew, did you install the app? Look, I did, Charles. I mean, I've got a couple of issues with it myself.

It's a bit of a boring app, I find. I mean, if they really want people to come back to this app, It needs to be a bit more fun It's just a screen with some text on it I think it needs at least a version of snake Or something that we could play Or some reason to open it up again Or even better still I was thinking

If it could be more like Pokemon Go I reckon it could be like Because you know it's supposed to tell you If you've walked past somebody who has the virus So you should be able to walk around With the thing open and shine it around And anybody who's walking past Should show up on your phone

As kind of like a zombie or something, a really scary looking person. And, you know, maybe you could throw a ball at them. I don't know about Pokemon, Andrew. I mean, the slogan of Pokemon has got to catch them all. I'm not sure that that's... Oh, okay. Maybe that doesn't work so well then, yeah.

I haven't installed it. There's no need for me to get COVID safe. Because, I mean, whenever I walk outside, people run away screaming anyway. You must be very used to people crossing the street to avoid you, your company. Actually, now there's a reason I feel a lot more popular. Anyway, coming up, Andrew Hansen takes us on another job. journey through the sincere world of celebrity isolation videos, and Dom reviews Pete Evans's biocharger machine, the one that he got fined a whole lot of money for after he said it cured

the coronavirus. It's amazing. It is amazing. I'm looking forward to that. But first, let's check in with Rebecca Day and Muno for the latest Chaser news headlines. Serial adulterer Barnaby Joyce has come out against the government's new app that details exactly who you've had intimate contact with in the past 21 days, to the surprise of absolutely no one. Although he won't use the app, Mr Joyce has offered to give up sleeping with

all members of his staff until the virus has subsided, or Wednesday, whichever comes first. North Korean President Kim Jong-un has been declared brain dead after he's subscribed to the Herald Sun newspaper. Doctors were first alerted to the dictator's mental decline after he was seen nodding at an Andrew Bolt column. Moments after he was declared brain dead, he was drafted into the NRL. The United Nations has unanimously voted to end 20, effective immediately. The motion was originally proposed by Australia in early January following the bushfires, floods, hail, drought and Bunnings halting the sale of sausages,

but was defeated back then so we didn't miss out on the new James Bond movie in March. 2021 will begin from midnight tonight. That's the Chaser Report headlines, news you can't trust. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Vic, you live in Sydney. Are you looking forward to today's easing of the restrictions up there? Yep, now I can go back to. not going out voluntarily. Well, it is Sydney. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it

happens. So everyone's talking about this COVID-safe app that we're all supposed to download onto our phone so it can track our every move. It'd be interesting to have a look at some of the other apps that you can get related to the coronavirus. So I went to the Apple App Store this week and turns out actually there are very, very few COVID-related apps. You can actually, The only ones that are allowed on the bloody Apple app store, because they're all, you know, official and everything like that, are these certified ones from proper medical establishments. It's a real disaster.

How boring. I know. It's really boring. What did you find? Well, I found one. I found one app that seems to have got through that is totally dodgy and worth downloading. Is that the Australian government's one? It's called COVID-safe.

No, no. It's called, I mean, one thing you can do is if you want to be tracked by a foreign government in the Apple store, they've got all the different tracking apps from around the world. Oh, I did wonder that. So if I want the Indian government to know exactly what I'm up to. Yeah. I saw the Abu Dhabi one. So I'm now a foreign worker in Abu Dhabi.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, well, the United Arab Emirates one assures users that it doesn't track your location. But if you actually download it, it then asks for location tracking on your phone. Like it asks to use your GPS. You're lying. It's a bit of a giveaway. What do you want to give away? I forgot about that small detail.

Anyway, there is one app that struck my fancy. It's from a Silicon Valley startup. No surprises there. And it promises to actually give you a medical assessment on whether you've got COVID or not. How helpful. Through the app. Can it, cannot admit. That's, yeah, before you download it, that's what it promises.

As soon as you download it, it then actually makes you agree that this assessment is not a substitute for a professional medical advice or diagnosis or treatment. So it's a bit, a bit underwhelming. But I will, I'll open it here. I've got it actually on my phone. I'm going to actually go through the diagnosis right now. Oh, test yourself. Test yourself.

I'm going to test myself. I'll find out whether I've got COVID. So how will you shove the phone up your nose? Well, no, no, it's, no, it's based on a diagnosis. set of questions, Dom. It's very, very scientific. So the first one is, do you have a fever? Actually, I do feel a bit hot at the moment.

I went for a jog this morning, so I think I probably should say yes to that. Have you had shortness of breaths? Well, yes. I've had lots of shortness of breath because I was on my jog this morning. Fatigue? Well, I'm very exhausted for my jog, so it will say yes to that. Body aches. Well, yes, I'm terribly sore.

I didn't stretch enough before I went on my jog, so yes to that. Have I had nasal congestion? Well, I did do a lot of coke on the weekend. So yes, that should be right. Very bad for fit drug addicts, this app, isn't it? Exactly. It's the diagnostic test for sore throat. I don't have a sore throat. So I should say no to that. Okay, diarrhea. But actually, I had far too much coffee this morning. So that probably counts. I should probably say yes to that. And finally, have you been? in large crowds in the past three weeks. Well, no, of course they haven't. No. It's illegal, isn't it? What a give away.

It's trying to just, I'll say no to that. So the result, bringing up my result, what does this mean? It means your self-assessment is that high, no, no, it doesn't mean that I'm high. It means I have a high probability that you're playing the Coke. You are high. that you haven't contracted the new coronavirus. Look at that. Oh, dear.

It's even in a red circle. It's said the word high. That's a bit alarming, isn't it? Yeah. And what do you do next? Urgently inform your local public health authorities of your symptoms as medical evaluation might be required. No shit, Sherlock.

So there you go. This is highlighted how dangerous jogging is. Yeah, well, exactly. But it actually is all right. I've realised I don't actually need to seek medical professional because I was on the Ruby Princess, so I just don't actually have to do anything at all. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust.

Okay, Tommy and Charles. Now, we did this in episode one. I'm going to do it again because you were so good at the game. It's the game that we call Ice Celebrity! Yes, this is the game where I play you a reassuring video. made by a celebrity in isolation, and you have to guess, just from listening to the sound of their voice, who the celebrity is, who's giving us some advice or trying to entertain us

during this difficult time. And Andrew, this week, will we have celebrities that we've actually heard of? Is that? No, well, Charles, you're so out of the loop. That's impossible. I could, I mean, lining up the Beatles, and Charles is like, who? Well, what's this newfangled band? Now, okay, let's begin with this guy ride here. This is a lovely video. He's just trying to entertain us with a song and it's a song, naturally enough, about that thing we're all supposed to be doing, washing our hands. Who is the singer? Today's going to be the day that they're going to phone back to you.

By now you should have somehow realized what you've got to do. Wash your hands, scub your toes, scratch your ass and pick your nose. Come on, you know. Dommy, who is it? But it's kind of like a dubious musical sketch, so I'm wondering if it's Jimmy Fallon. That's not a bad guest, Tommy, but I'm afraid you are incorrect.

Charles, you want to have a stab at that one? Well, surely it's Liam from Oasis. Bloody old, Charles. Charles, yes. I mean, I don't know. Did you really think of it? It's actually the guy, because it sounds like someone useless

doing an impression of Liam. No one else. But Liam always sounds like. would want to sing wonderful ever. The worst song ever. Well, they always sound like parodies of themselves. So yes, Liam Gallagher, presumably going through a bad time at the moment because from social distancing, he can't headbutt anyone.

Now, let's check out another musical celebrity. Now, I should say that this poor old celebrity decided to host one of those Facebook Live things, and he's trying to interact with his fans. by trying to figure out what they're messaging him and who is messaging him during the middle of this Facebook live onslaught. Let's take a listen and guess who it is. Uruguay.

Hi, in Uruguay. And there was Panama just now. Okay, skater eight. Eight, is that your real name? I'm maybe not. Domi, you want to hazard a guess? I know who that is because I actually watched that video. I was so bored that I watched you.

Drippy Chris Martin from Coldplay doing a live gig. I had trouble getting to sleep. Did you message him? Did he look at your username and go, you know, useless bald man in Australia? Who is that? If only he had, yes.

You're correct. Correct. That is Chris Martin. Yes, absolutely. And look, I had lined up the rest of the clip to help you guess who it was, but you've guessed, so let's just skip that. I think that's a very good idea. Yeah, let's not hear anymore.

the better. Let's not hear anymore from... It's best thing about not working at Triple M anymore. Good video to check out if you want to watch Chris Martin practicing social distancing from Gwyneth Paltrow, anyway. Let's check in with this lady here. Sitting in a bathtub, worry, I mean, this doesn't sound like the, I don't know about you, this doesn't sound like the most reassuring celebrity isolation video I've heard.

That's the thing about COVID-19. It doesn't care about how rich you are. how famous you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are. Feel free to jump in at any time, it goes. That's a chilling. I reckon this is Barbara Streisand. It's the great equalizer. It's not, but that's the right territory.

It's sort of kind of, whoever it is, is a sort of, you know, rich fuck with. You're on the right track Oh well is it Gwyneth then No it's not Gwyneth You're both incorrect It's Madonna That's Madonna in the bath Worrying at great length

It goes on for so long I was amazed that she didn't Like bore herself to sleep And then drown in the bath It's probably the most clothed footage Of it's still a pretty pointy video dummy Look you can check that out of your leisure All right here's one more for you

Dommy and Charles Now this is a music legend I'm going to play you just a little bit of the song that this guy entertains us with in his celebrity isolation video. He's changed the lyrics of the song to suit the situation. Let's take a listen and see if you can guess who it is. Hands, washing hands, reaching out, don't touch me. I won't touch you Sweet Caroline

You didn't change the breakout You must have guessed it by now You're supposed to jump in before the chorus Well I was initially thinking Bob Dylan but I can actually hear him sing So it wasn't that Yeah well Neil Diamond Clearly

But you were too late You're not supposed to wait till sweet Caroline Why didn't he call it sweet colour Why didn't he rewrite that lyric? because that's the breakout lyric. Hand-washing time. Yeah, hand-wifton, exactly. Ice celebrity!

None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. The Chaser Report is sponsored by Dr. Trump's medical clinics. Come in for our powerful ultraviolet light or maybe just very powerful light treatment today. It might work. Who knows?

Maybe they should test it out or something. So we thought it would be a good idea. to sort of have a little bit of user interaction, listener interaction in this podcast. So I went to the Facebook page last night and I asked people to send in their questions and comments that they want read out on this podcast. And I can tell you now it is a terrible idea. We really shouldn't do this. But it's a segment we like to call.

She's a mailbag. What's in the mailbag today, Charles? So the first one is from Hugh Bright. And this is actually a question, I think, directed to you, Andrew, which is, how's the Dijon holding out? Oh, good question, Hugh. I'm glad you asked. I'm glad you asked. Yeah, because earlier in the podcast, I think I might have admitted.

I haven't been panic buying it. Let's just be clear. But I have bought rather a lot of Dijon mustard because I was very worried it was going to run out. So rather than toilet paper or various essentials, my thing is to, I bought a large number, let's just say. of Dijon mustard jars. It's holding out, it's turned into a disaster. I have to slather the Dijon onto bloody everything because otherwise I'll never get through the stuff.

Even at breakfast? Yes, I've been putting Dijon on my weekbicks. I've been spreading Dijon on toast. I've had to stir. I'm thinking I might stir it into my orange juice, put it in coffee. This is a Dijon nightmare zone. Right. I can't wait for the virus to be over just so that I don't have to eat Dijon.

anymore. That's the main reason that I want to be finished. Okay, next question is from Wendy Gibson. And she asks, what's your choice at drink time? Is it Pinoclean or White King? I've got a drink, which I call the Pinocleanie. It's piney clean and just an olive in a martini glass. It's extremely, look, I haven't got COVID, so it must work. Yeah, it must work. I am also dead. Do you sort of gargle it a bit? A bit of a follow-up question, with tonic or without? Oh, well, and it depends if you want the drink to taste horrible, add some tonic. I mean, the pyrine's not great, but the tonic's really disgusting.

Oh, yeah, I hate that, yeah. And also it adds calories, you know. You're drinking pina clean, much healthier to have it straight. Yep, or on the rocks. Yeah. Okay, next one is from Josh Robertson. It's a bit of a complicated one. With the new app, will it be tallying the amount of times I leave the house to send me a big fine?

Or is it like the parking vans where it just does it individually and you don't know until after each offence whether you've been pinged? I'm just wondering because as a middle class worker, how is this national debt going to be pushed off onto me? Well, I've hacked into the app and I know where Josh lives. So I've arranged for a couple of large vans to just hover ominously outside his house just so he feels nice and secure. Look, yeah, that's kind of you, Dommy. Look, I'm sure, Josh, you're going to have to pay one way or another. And I don't think asking the details is appropriate.

I think you just, when the bill comes, just fork out, mate. It's about trust. You've got to just trust them, but they'll shaft you in one way or another. Okay, next one is from Ben. This is a bit of a complicated one because there's new restrictions. They're loosening the restrictions in New South Wales and he's from New South Wales. He wants to know that if under the new restrictions, if two adults take their two twin children to their friend's place

to celebrate their 18th birthday, are they breaching the social distancing laws? It's a bit of a tricky one because children are not counted, but what if they're turning 18? Look, I mean, this sounds to me like a very good, solution that you could give to high school students. It sounds like one of those high school math problems, but unfortunately our high school students, I don't think are going to be able to solve this

because all the remote learning that they're doing is turning them to complete morons. So I don't think we're going to get an answer to this one any time soon. Well, the simplest thing to do with twins is just to shun them as freaks and put them in a side show. That's what I always do. Just get them to develop a lifelong aversion to social interactions. Yeah, I mean, if only it had been done to the Veronica's,

if this would have happened. Will. And finally, this is for Jeff King has asked this question. Will the social distancing rules and fines still be applicable if an alien mothership comes to pick up its crew? And he's asking on behalf of Peter Dutton. Well, you're not allowed to go more than 50 kilometres from your home. So yes, the alien mothership would still be fined under New South Wales law.

Oh, look, yeah. I think, gosh, the problems. I mean, boat people, bad enough, but spaceship people, they really get my goat. We decide which spaceships come into this country, in the circumstances in which they come. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. A message from the Prime Minister, Scott Morrison. In recent months, the coronavirus has really fucked our lives.

We can no longer go to a Sharkey's game, a wacko new age church service, or even a secret trip to Hawaii. but there is a way forward. I'm urging all Australians to do their civic duty and download the Chaser Report podcast. The sooner we all get the Chaser Report podcast on our phones, the sooner we can get back to doing the things we love. Like listening to podcasts,

let me assure you that I really am Scott Morrison. And the Jaser haven't just made up this ad because their contract with NOVA requires a minimum number of downloads or else they get fired. Remember, we're all downloading this together. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. Now, Charles and Andrew, you might have seen in the news, Pete Evans has been fined $25,000 for promoting a device called the Biocharger.

He said that it had recipes that helped with Wuhan coronavirus. Now, obviously, that was dangerous rubbish. But I'm worried that people are now dismissing the fabulous biocharger as a $15,000 bullshit machine. And it's so much more than that. Now that Pete's trying to back away from it, I've taken over as the most high-profile celebrity who would endorse the biocharger.

And I've got the marketing video here to share with you. Isn't that exciting? I'm very excited. Yeah, well, I'm very excited about the idea that you might get fined $15,000. That'd be great. When it was 25, Charles, it was almost as much as two biochargers.

I mean, it's a vicious fine. I mean, poor Pete Evans, I assume he sold about 40,000 of them. and he's at the part with almost two machines' worth of money. Dommy, be careful. It's a good point. What have you got for us, Domney? Now, look, if you haven't seen the biocharger, I want to describe it.

It's very, very high tech. It looks like the love child of a humidifier and the robot from Lost in Space. So very cutting-edge stuff. It's a big glass cylinder on a massive base. There's buttons where you dial up the recipe and lots of vertical light strips that glow with biochargery. I've got some questions for you. Now, listen to this clip from the official biocharger video.

prepare to change your lives. Introducing the biocharger NG, advanced technology that assist in restoring vital cellular energy. What do you think the NG stands for? Biocharger NG. Well, they haven't admitted what it starts for. Does it stand for not good? No.

Yeah, I thought it was not going to work. It was going to be mine. No, look, it's named after two scientists, Nikolai Tesla and George Lukovsky. and the biocharger uses their cutting-edge research from more than 100 years ago that every scientist has dismissed as bullshit quackery until now. Right, I can imagine those two must be not turning in their graves. They must be just relaxing in their graves, feeling the bioenergy vibes right now and feeling fantastic that their name has been used for this.

Now, here's another part of the quiz for you. Scientific and medical studies have proven nutrition and exercise are both key factors towards optimal health and prevention or recovery from chronic illness. but there is another important factor that's often overlooked. So diet and exercise, and what's the third thing? Oh, let me guess. I'm plugging a biocharger in to your PowerPoint sitting next to it. Is it radio waves?

Is it electricity or something? You're actually almost right. Here's the missing ingredient in all of our lives. The factor that's often overlooked, voltage. Voltage. It's voltage. Voltage. This is what my doctor hasn't been telling me.

Diet exercise and voltage. And voltage. AC or DC? Do we know? That's a very good question. Now, it is very, very exciting and it's revolutionary. Just how revolutionary, check this out. Think of our bodies like a cell phone. Just as daily use drains this battery. Our everyday lives diminish the voltage in our cells. So true. The bicharger is the world's first. Biocharger is the world's first what? What do you think? What ground is being broken here? Is it like the world's first human charger simply plug, plug the world's first.

the thing into your butt and get recharged. Is that how it works? It is. Like a phone charger, but for a human being? It's not like a phone charge of you. That is their marketing pitch. You're understanding. But they call it something that's much cooler than phone charger for human. They call it a

the world's first subtle energy revitalization platform. It's a subtle energy revitalization platform. So subtle that some people mistakenly think it doesn't do anything. That's how subtle it is. But it does. Let me reassure you, What it does is it bathes your body in four energies at once, light.

Okay, that was easy. Frequencies and harmonics, whatever that is. Voltage, they say just like a lightning storm, or only somehow this is totally safe, also at the same time it earths or grounds you. Now, that's normally what kills you when you get voltage in a lightning storm, but here it gives you wellness, guys, wellness. Wouldn't grounding you discharge the voltage?

Like, isn't that the whole point that the voltage thing goes through into the ground? Hey, don't get all scientific on this. scientist, Charles? You can call me Nikolai Tesla from now on. Now, look, it has all kinds of positive effects for your lives, including... The biocharger helps align and sharpen the mind, accelerates muscle and injury recovery, reduces... What does it reduce? Reduce your ability to disbelieve in bullshit, maybe? Doesn't it reduce the money in your wallet?

That is true, by $15,000, but it also reduced. is this. Reduces stiffness and pain and joints. Stiffness and pain in joints, which is very, very impressive. So you just sit in front of the thing for 15 minutes, all the lights flash and then it works. And you're probably thinking now, is it medically proven? Well, we can't say that it is medically proven, but we do have this very impressive testimony. So I was dealing with long-term chronic illness that was really keeping me down, and both mainstream medicine, an alternative medicine, failed to find out what the problem was.

So regular medicine failed him, alternative medicine failed him. So he turned to alternative alternative medicine and the biocharger. Do you think that this wonderful gentleman got results for his unspecified chronic illness? He turned to not medicine. I'm sure he got results. I assume he must have got results because otherwise he wouldn't have given the testimonial, would he? You're right. Is that the before and they went back to him for the after and he was dead?

He's the after. He's very excited about it. Quite simply, it turned my life around instantly. especially after I purchased one, I started using it every single day. Although, if I'm honest, the medicine that was most effective for that guy was actually the weed. I want to leave you guys with this challenge. I want to sell you a biocharger today. Here's what my challenge is for you. When your cell phone battery starts to drain, you recharge it.

So why not do the same for your body? Why not Charles and Andrew? Why not recharge yourselves with the biocharger? Um, 15,000 dollars is why not? although the most common response is because Pete Evans is associated with it. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. The Chaser Report is sponsored by Dr. Trump's medical clinics. Are you worried you might have coronavirus? Have you tried disinfectant?

What about coffee or maybe house paint? Come in today and we'll inject you with something to see if it works. Now, we've been talking about window hunts. I've been trying to explain, you know, in the days leading up to this podcast. I've been desperately trying to explain to Charles Firth the concept of the teddy bear hunt. There's this global phenomenon. Anyone with kids who are below the age of school would be across this phenomenon.

It's pretty much the only activity that you can do at the moment is you're allowed to go at an exercise, right? And to make that fun for the little kids, they look for teddy bears in people's windows. So all around the world, people are putting teddy bears in their windows to give the little kids something fun to hunt for. Now, Charles, I have tried to explain this concept to you again and again and again. You still can't get your head around it, can you? Yeah, I don't quite get it.

Why would that be fun? Well, you're not a three-year-old, charge. You've got to remember what it was like. Right. You get excited by teddy bears. The joy of seeing some teddy bear hanged by a noose at a window. You don't have to hang the teddy bear. Who's hanging the teddy bear by a noose?

What neighbour is doing that? You said it was hanging teddy bears. They're positioned in the window, so that there's something adorable for kids to walk past. Right. And look at, they're not on a tiny little gallows with a teddy bear hangman standing there. I sort of thought it was some sort of like Halloween scary thing. I now sort of understand, but you have no soul or imagination or brain. Okay.

So now that you've got it. I mean, the other thing is rainbows. You probably may have seen had you gone outside, a lot of people to put it. rainbows around as well, which I gather is a thing to just try and make us feel optimistic and rainbowy. But now, I've got a problem, Charles and Dom, which is that my kid is sick to death of looking for the bloody teddy bears. Because you're not allowed to go far, right? So she's seen the same dozen teddy bears like 30 times. She's so fed up with going for these teddy bear hunts. I think we need something new to put in our windows for the kids to hunt for. Well, I think

I think Charles, just take Charles' suggestion, get all your neighbours to put the teddy bears on gallows. That way she won't want to see them ever again, because they'll be horrifying. It would certainly add some suspense. It would add some suspense, especially if each day they changed and got closer and closer to being hung. Like hangman, the game hangman.

Look, I live near Charles actually, and I think he's not the only person who doesn't understand this game because in our neighbourhood, there's not a lot of people who've embraced this game. But the thing that we have done that my daughter finds absolutely adorable is when we go for a walk, we do look at the beer bottles outside people's homes. Everyone's drinking their heads off in lockdown. You maybe get like you get five points for a vodka bottle.

You get 10 points for a case of beer. Outside Charles's house, there's all these bongs and spliffs and mirrors with a suspicious powder. Although that's worth 50. So that's a really fun game. And you know what? It's Mats. It keeps on giving me. It's really good educational.

educational game. That's a great idea, Don. How many brain cells has Uncle Charles destroyed with the amount of booze that's outside his house? I think you've solved this. I think you've solved it, Tommy. This is brilliant. I think we should declare it right now. Teddy bear hunt is over. It's a global beer bottle hunt is going to take over for the kids. And look, if you've got a photo of a massive stash of empties outside your house, send it in via the Chase of Facebook page. We want to celebrate the person with the biggest isolation empties collection. Put out your emptyings collection. Put out your Australia. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. The Chaser report is sponsored by Dr.

Trump's medical clinics. All our treatments are 100% guaranteed. They're beautiful. They really are a thing of beauty. But if they don't work, we were being sarcastic. International Global News World Roundup. It's starting to catch up on some of the most important news from around the world, Charles and Andrew. In the UK, out of sheer boredom, a woman has died her poodle bright green to surprise her mother. It totally worked. How bored would you have to be to go through the effort of holding down a dog for long enough to die all of its fiddly poodle fur bright green?

Well, I think boredom should be measured on a scale of one to watching Adam Sandler rom-com movies on Netflix. And I think this comes before watching Adam Sandler's Netflix rom-com. Actually, if we died Adam Sandler's sitcoms, handle a bright green those movies might be actually entertaining what do you think the poor dog felt during this ordeal how was the dog well that's the question we should we should consider the dog shouldn't we I imagine the dog felt a bit green yeah I don't know how else she would feel situation like I think the dog would have been fine with it I mean it's not as if he's he's in quarantine

too he's not going to see other dogs anyway so it's just like getting a quarantine haircut Well, it is, isn't it? Did he post himself on Instagram this dog and go, look. He was using a grain screen so it didn't work. Well played. Now, a lot of people have been doing stuff with their hair during isolation. We've seen, you know, ISO beards, weird haircuts. A lot of dire jobs because people can't go to the hairdresser or don't want to,

so we get seeing the natural colors come through. Are you guys tempted to experiment during this period? To experiment? Are you talking about haircuts still or something else? with an iso beard. Iso beard or maybe a head-eye. Look, Tommy, see, the thing about the haircuts, it's fun for a while,

but we're looking at potentially months and months and months or years of this. I can see people getting over the haircut thing quite soon and knowing the human race, I think people are going to start pushing the envelope. And pretty soon I reckon we're going to start seeing some isopubes. I think that's where it's headed. I reckon people are going to start doing things.

things with their pubs and posting them just you wait this is my prediction i hate to be pub stradamus on you and all this but if you think the green poodle is one thing i reckon there's going to be a few more green poodles appearing pretty soon if you know what i mean yeah put out your rainbows well it makes you think that that hasn't already started happening andrew it's it's oh are you is it is this a thing well i haven't i haven't looked up the hashtags i haven't i haven't looked up hashtag isopubes yet, but I'll check it out now that you've mentioned it. Jesus. Yeah, that's a bigger phenomenon than bloody window hunting or whatever.

Oh, right. Because, of course, we've got pubs. Everybody got rid of their pubs, didn't they, in the 2010s? But I guess during these restrictions, you can't go and get that done anymore, can you? I assume it's a health risk. So I guess everybody must have grown them back. And now they'll be wanting to do some topiary for... So my son has always wanted me to, my nine-year-old has always wanted me to grow a handlebar moustache.

Oh, yeah. Shave off everything but the handlebar. He clearly hasn't seen a handlebar moustache, has he? He's just read about them. I just think it's a waste doing it under lockdown. Like, you know, why waste all that sexual allure? You can't go out and use it. It just needs to go to Melbourne and go to any cafe.

And someone will, the barista will have one. Now look, over to Indonesia, where it's actually compulsory for everybody to wear masks in public. And police in Bali have been punishing people who haven't been wearing the masks. What they do is that, so the motorbike riders or whatever, they have to drop to the ground and do push-ups. This is absolutely true. I've seen a whole lot of videos of it. Do you think that's a good idea? Cop saying, no, give me five.

Down you go. Five push-ups. If they tried that on me, that it would be capital punishment or anything. Yeah, you're trying it on me. I mean, that'd be like a life sentence. The pandemic would be over before I got to push a number three. Sit-ups are worse, though. Yeah, actually, sit-ups would be worse.

This is not sit-ups. Sit-up. If you really, actually, if you really wanted to punish someone, you would make them do burpees. That would be terrible. Should we do this here, though, do you think? Do you think, rather than, you know, all this laborious thing of fines and so on, should cops just be going, nope, give me five, down you go?

I reckon that in parts of Australia, that would be seen as a very bad punishment. Like I reckon in, you know, Queen Bian or the outer suburbs of just about any city in Australia, that would just be terrible. People would go, no way. They still accept envelopes of cash. I mean, now are Australian cops. Oh, well, yeah.

Now, there's a program in the UK that obviously the NHS is under a lot of pressure right now. They're calling it clap for our carers. What they do, I think once a week on Sunday evening or something, the whole nation's stops and applauds NHS workers who are putting themselves in harm's way. And a UK man called Jack Pigham wanted to take this to the next level by clapping for 24 hours straight, of 24 hours of applause, and he streamed his attempt online. I'm going to say, it's not the most exciting video I've ever seen. It's 24 hours of this.

Which I suppose also sounds like sex But anyway Yes, he's not even very good at clapping That's the irony of that man I mean these claps were all irregular They've chosen like the worst clapper in Britain To be the face of this campaign What?

Do you reckon you can do it? Clap for 24 hours I reckon it's quite hard Like your hands do get sore Don't they? After a long period of applause at a gig or something They would And I mean, oh God

One of the things that they recommend specifically So that you don't catch this voice virus is that you get plenty of rest. This guy is putting himself in, he's risking everybody's lives to clap this way. I think my concern would be that I'd slow down after it like an hour or two. And it would just sound like a sarcastic clap. He's slow clapping the workers. You'd be arrested.

There'd be a headline the next day when they're first arrested for slow clapping health workers. When I first heard about this story, though, I actually thought, I thought I didn't realize it was clapping the work. I thought it was trying to get the clap. Like, it was 24 hours of him just trying to get the clap on video. That I would watch. That I would watch. So, look, the good news is he succeeded.

He managed to make it all the way through the 24 hours. And when he hit the 8pm deadline, you'll hear the audio here. His flatmate gets very excited. And Jack made, I think, an extremely English speech. Have a listen to what he said after setting this amazing record. Yeah, so he's a close. There's the flat, mate. So there we are, is all he could think of to say.

He had 24 hours to come up with his speech. He should have given the guy a clap. Maybe for 24 hours. It made me wonder, though. 24 hours. I mean, maybe we should consider doing something for 24 hours for charity. Oh, for 24 hours, Dommy, 24 hours in a row. In a row.

Oh, I know. I know. What about this? FAP for our carers. I'd be happy to do that. The Chaser report. Less news more often. Anyway, that's the end of the show.

Although, actually, we've got a breaking news headline from Beck Dana Moonard. Yes, guys, news just in. John Farnham has announced his farewell tour has been tragically cut short after just 15 years. Back to you. Thanks, Vic. And remember to check us out online at chaser.com.com. You find us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and even on TikTok now, guys. Did you know that?

We're on TikTok. Woo! No, I didn't know and don't care to. All right. I'm very excited for whatever platform that is. Exactly. Well, and search for the Chaser Report podcast in your app of choice. And remember to hit subscribe to make sure you get reminded each time we drop an episode.

so you can then ignore it. We'd like to thank our producer, Radio Mike Liberali, and we're going to leave you this week with a very exciting new podcast from The Chaser that we've been working on for a long, long time. Hi, I'm Charles. And this is the Chaser Tech podcast. This week, we all wear smart nose rings.

The Samsung Galaxy Bluetooth nose ring promises to vibrate every time you get a notification from your smart tube. Is that a good thing? Or will your fridge get jealous? And I take a look at smart pizza boxes. It's always useful when your pizza box can see and hear everything you do. But what about the privacy concerns? We talk to one maker of smart pizza boxes to find out his opinion.

That's the Chaser Tech podcast for Cashed Up Millennials with Charles and Beck. Download it now to your smart nose ring.