The Chaser Report - Craig Solves State of Origin

Episode Date: June 19, 2022

Craig is back to give his amazing solutions to a live audience! Join Charles, Dom, and Gabbi as they try to poke flaws in the grand solutions to how we can fix the State of Origin. Remember you can buy tickets to come join Chaser Live From The Pub at https://chaser.com.au/events/the-chaser-report-live/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report live from the pub. It is Monday the 20th of June in 2022. I'm Dom Knight. Hello, Charles Firth, one day until we go to the pub. I know. This is a bit like groundhog day. It's a great new routine we have for our work.

That's right. Do we get sort of our liver fixed for free? Yeah, on workers' comp. I think that would be perfectly reasonable. So this is tomorrow night at the Harrell Park Hotel in Glebe in Sydney. At 7.30pm, we're selling tickets for just 10 bucks to come and see us. Well, I think we can now safely say things which are not going to get put in the podcast. Yes, that's right.

It got a bit loose. It was a lot of fun and you should come because you won't get to hear everything otherwise. That's what we can say with great certainty. Which might explain why today's episode is actually below the contractually required length of the of the episode we made a few cuts throughout throughout the week in today's episode craig brings back his beloved segment craig's flawless solutions in which craig plays the world's most brilliant slash incompetent management consultant who is brought in to solve problems and today it's the state of origin that he's solving you'll also hear out of the audience warm-up routine

which is called oh no you beauty which i really enjoyed and i think we should probably do in each show that we have. Yes, but it's a relatively brief show, Charles. And let's just say that's a thing that seems wise. So we've got an ad coming up. But before we do, don't forget, you can get the ad-free version of the Chaser podcast plus the bonus drunk Q&A episode, which went out on Friday. You can listen to that.

You go to chaser.com. com.com. You go to chaser.com. com slash podcast. Click on the link for Acast. Plus, it's just nine bucks a month. It's cheaper than coming in seeing. It's at the pub, but there's less beer.

Yes, that's right. Although, if you do come and see us at the pub, you get to see all of it. Yes, and I think I will be drinking Diet Coke, I think, tomorrow night. Probably. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, without any further ado, the world's least competent management consultant, Craig Roocastle, live at the Harrow Park Hotel. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Now, we've got a traditional game we like playing at Chaser Live shows just to get things going. just to get things warmed. It's called, oh no, you beauty. So it works like this. I'm going to say something, and then you as a group have to say, oh no. For instance, audience participation.

Oh, no. There we go. That's right. But then after I say something, you say you beauty. Because he's the popular one. Just because it's me. So let's try it. Craig Rucaster wants to have a war on waste.

Oh, there you go. But Dom's not in it. You beauty Hey it works That's why I'm not only the TV shows It's work better Alright here we go It goes like this

The first thing we have for you Following the rebel Wilson incident The SMH has outed somebody else Oh no But they've outed their editor As a shithouse journalist You beauty Well done you've got the very simple concert

Okay Hands up everyone who enjoyed that Hey Okay, Prince Andrew wants to return to being a working royal. Oh, no. So the Queen's just sitting to a tunnel in Paris. You don't have to, like this is, you know, you don't have to say yes, okay? Remember, there could be a Nuremberg trial after this, so think about how you're responsible.

You're all responsible for your responses, that's true. Okay, Peter Dutton is the new opposition leader. Oh, no. Barnaby Joyce is on the back bench New Kitty Okay, some bad news here China is preparing to invade Australia But it's just with excellent TikToks

New York New South Wales lost the first State of Origin game last week Oh no Who gives a shit about the league when you're in the World Cup A lot of sports fans in tonight I'm not surprised Is this the whole of the night?

Yeah, yeah. We've got... Studies show that the vast majority of podcasts has make less than a hundred bucks per month. Oh, no. We got you suckers to pay to be here. Yeah, beauty. We've got 50 more of these, ladies and gentlemen.

But we're not going to do them. Yes, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much. Well done. Give yourselves a round of applause. Was that a warm up or a cool dance? I think they're angling for jobs on play school or something. Shit, yeah.

He's hiding. So I'm going to talk now. I'm going to do my segment for this show. Lachlan, can you play the theme of what it is? No, you cannot. You don't have it. The Chaser Report. News a few days.

The Chaser Report. This is fucking bad because I can't remember for shit what my segment's call. So what is it again? It's called. Craig's Lawless Solutions. There go. The floor of solutions, yeah. Craig's floor of solutions, wonderful.

This is where I come up with solutions that, as to this point, I think by the basis of the history of the show, have never been proved to be wrong, right? Is that right? They're always right. See if anyone can pick any flaw at all in this. Anyone heard this segment before? No.

I haven't. I think it's the first time you've done a floor before introducing the segment, though, which is failing the name of it. So, it's an argument for, and to be fair, thank you very much. The drunk Q&A is going to be great. To be fair with this, so I only tell you this, I get paid millions of dollars to give these solutions, because they're such brilliant solutions, you know what I'm only sharing it with you for my own enjoyment. I don't give a fuck what you think about it.

I'm like a mega consultant. Yes. You get hired to give these brilliant ideas. Yes, I know. Is that right? They're always without floor. They have never been, there's never been a flaw in them. So this week, I've been paid enormous.

almost as a money to work with the New South Wales State of Origin. Oh, great. Because they lost the first one, I'm told. Yes. And they want to make sure they don't lose the series, I'm told. It's good. This is a good topic, Charles, because the Venn diagram of State of Origin fans and Chase Report fans is two separate circles.

That's not true. That's not true. We're all on tender hooks. friend has tape, you know, it's got blue on it and... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a lot of big fans of the state of origin. I'm a huge fan of the maroons. So anyway...

So we're coming... So hypothetically speaking for the purpose of the podcast, we're coming to you from New South Wales. So we're trying to win it for the blues. Oh, blues, okay. Go the blues. Go the other ones, yeah.

So I think I've come to good solutions and I think, again, if anyone... Look, because these guys are not very good to put me any floors. So if you see any floors, just feel free to kind of shout them out. So the first thing I thought of is because the next state of origin is in Perth, right? Think about it, right?

So when you do, whenever you have your daylight savings changes, right? Yes. No one ever fucking knows where you put your clock's forward or back, right? Exactly. No idea at all. You don't know. So you just basically say we, Perth is like two hours somewhere else, right? Exactly.

So we just can, yeah, exactly, exactly. Thank you, Charles. going along with you on this. So we just convinced the people that it's two hours, like we the other way or whatever. Like, so we, we get them to put it on it like

10, 20 at night. Yes. And so it's actually midnight here. Yes. No one fucking knows whether we lose or not. It doesn't matter at all. No one's watching. No one, because you just convince them that the time zones and such, doesn't it? They're totally blue. And I just want to, just, I'm going to pause briefly here

because what we're all going to hear, because what we're all going to here right now is utter silence as people appreciate the genius of an idea and in no way pick any flaws whatsoever with it can i no child i don't think you're interrupting the silence can i just yes charles can i just it might be what just one floor seems highly unlikely i've told this segment's called craigs flawless solution i just think it's a good idea i just think the floor might that they still lose the game, right? But nobody knows, Charles. Nobody knows.

Who's up at 12.30 at night watching the fucking rugby? There'll be a point score. They'll fill in a form the next day and say, oh, by the way, we lost the game. It'll be in the paper. It'll be in the paper. But who's going to read the paper? I mean, the paper's only outing people.

People don't read the paper because it just outs people. That's all it does. Nobody, like, let's face it. Nobody reads Murdoch anymore that's too angry about that. Nobody's read the Student Morning Herald now because they just are out people. So no one will fucking know. Other papers exist, crazy.

Exactly. See? See? I think you've come up with a floor and I've brilliantly challenged it. I think so. All right, well... That idea clearly has no flaws whatsoever. Well, just like,

I think there might be just one other floor. Highly unlikely. Hang on, aren't Queenslanders very good at You're dealing with shit house time changes? Isn't that their thing? No, that's the opposite. Dom, their whole thing is that they never ever even do daylight saving because they're too fucking dumb to change their cloths.

They're more confusing the rest of us by this. I think it's true. That's true, yeah. I mean, it does mean I'm never traveling to Queensland again, but it's true. Maybe the career male, like the Queensland newspapers. No. That is very dumb. Very dumb of you.

Very dumb of you. Because the game is not happening in the state of Queensland. Do you think a Queensland newspaper would dare to report on something happening outside of Queensland? No, exactly. That's a very good point. I think we've got silence here. I mean, to be fair, I thought there might be some holes in that one. It's flawless, guys.

Yes. Yes, we've got a false. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. So there you go. That was short but sweet. Charles, the night, the version we recorded on the night was, it was longer, I'll say, a bit longer. And who knows why?

Yeah. It's all lost in the midst of time, really. Yeah, that's right. And there's no recordings. There's definitely no record. Floating round of the first edit of that. It got corrupted, corrupted in all kinds of ways. So the best thing to do is to buy tickets for tomorrow night, chaser.com.

com.a-u-u-u-slash-podcast, which is also where you can sign up to the premier, the premier, director's class, what are we calling it? Chase a Plus, where you pay nine bucks a month and get the drunk Q&A episodes. I think they're going to be the highlight, really, of the whole night when we do the pub show. Oh, definitely, yes. That's why I pay $9 a month. And also, the Chase's 100th edition of the newspapers coming out very soon. You can pre-order a copy at chaser shop.com, can't they, Charles?

No, because we stopped pre-orders yesterday. No, you can't. But you can buy. Oh, wait a minute. No, no. Presum you can buy it once it comes out. Yeah, we'll keep selling them. Okay, yeah, yeah.

All right. You can. This is how we determine the sales policy of the chaser, just spontaneously on the podcast. Our gear is from road microphones. We're part of the ACAST Creator Network, and tomorrow's episode will be longer and features Gabby Bolt starring.

See ya, babe.