The Chaser Report - Deadlines and Dead Lizards

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Charles tells the harrowing tale of a lizard gone too soon, and Dom and Charles spend some time discussing what qualities make a good satirical news company manager. They promise to let you know once they figure it out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. And Dom, I probably had the worst day of my life. I mean, we could talk about the terrible situation in Middle East. You've got Israel, you've got Hamas. It's terribly awful. But we're pre-recording this, aren't we?

Normally we do the podcast shortly before it comes out, dedicated to that. But just occasionally, there's so much going on that we need to do. won a couple of days in advance. So suffice it to say, it's probably still going. It's probably still terrible. Yeah. People are probably still being killed. And that's what we're going to say.

Let's talk about your life, Charles. Yeah. And I think the terribleness of my life pales in comparison to what's going on in the Middle East. And yes. But I also feel like we wouldn't be able to do it justice anyway. Well, also, it has, let's be honest. It has more resonance for you. Your life doesn't?

Yeah, my life does. In the unlikely event, you want to hear more? Do it after this. Okay. So, oh. You've had a very upsetting day. I've had a terribly upsetting day. And the first part, which I don't even particularly want to share, but I will, is one of our pets died.

And so, that's really sad. It's just so sad. So we're not talking about the terrible thing that's happening in the world that's sad. Yes. But we'll talk about the loss of your pet. Anyway, so that happened this afternoon, and it was just horrible. But before that, so... Are you going to say any more details at all?

I don't want to... Well, it's just very gruesome. Just awful. Should I do? I mean, you started. Yeah, okay. You know what? If it's too terrible, we can always cut it out in the mix.

Don't cut it out. So the thing is, we've got this, as Dom knows, because he was around earlier today, recording an episode, a blue tongue, a beautiful blue tongue skink called um. And the reason he's called um is because when he said, oh, what's his name? You'd say, um. That is the most birth joke I've ever heard. Anyway, he was running around the house because he managed to escape. Usually he doesn't get out of the enclosure.

So there's multiple enclosures for reptiles and other lizards and things. Yeah, we've got a... Where we're recording right now. We've got a shingle back. We've got a bearded dragon. We've got a python upstairs. But the skink was sort of running around. And so I, you know, very nicely put a note on the front door saying,

please make sure you don't let the skink escape and everything. You were quite worried. Yeah, it was. But then my son came home and we found him behind the fridge, right? And so as we were moving the fridge to rescue him. Oh, no. Yes. So the best thing I can say is it was a very swift departure from this world.

Fridge is famously very heavy things. Yes. Oh, shit. And I can't tell you, like, this is a pet that we loved. Like, he used to just sit on our lap or, you know, like, sit on our shoulder while we watch TV and stuff of that. He was a very dear member of the family and just, it was so visceral. Just seeing this And there's not really

Not really anything I can say About that other than that fucking sucks Yes So we had a little ceremony We dug a hole And made a couple of short speeches And stuff like that And it all happened this afternoon

I guess this is the ultimate test For the way that you choose to live your life Charles And you don't have to answer this If you don't want to Because you do usually look like a monster On the podcast But you can opt out of it if you want

Yes Did you find When you were giving the speeches To pay a tribute To your beloved Beloved member of your family Did you find the fact that you'd call the lizard um amusing in the eulogy did you have to pause because i think we know our

answer we've always said that the lie between tragedy and comedy is particularly the thing in the furth household so you're saying i just want to pay my respect to um charles firth ladies gentlemen charles firth let's let's have an ad while we take a moment to regain some semblance of composure shall we none of the medical advice contained in the chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. So anyway, it's very sad. But that was not the only sort of terribly stressful thing that's going on today.

So we are, as we do every year, putting out the Chaser annual again this year. James Schleffel from The Shovel does the other half of the book. Yeah. He got his stuff all finished days ago. He's very efficient. Very efficient. He's a very good comedy writer. Like him and his team.

That is just an incredible word. He doesn't have a team. It's just him. Is it just him? Yes. How is anyone that consistently? good all the time. He's just to fuck with, right?

But the thing is, somehow, I think James charmed the designer into prioritising him, right? And so she looked at this well-structured document that told her exactly how to lay up his side. And it was presumably all finished. And it was all finished. And she looked at my piling, burning mess of disaster and dysfunction and chaos and decided to prioritize James. So it's now, like, his is done. His is done.

Whereas my side, there's still, like, there's still. like, you know, captions to write and images to fix. Oh, that reminds you. When I used to do this job, we're pulling together the chase around at the 11th hour. It's just horrible, right? And it just goes on and on and on. It was due at the printers today. It is now 9pm.

And we're doing a podcast instead of out of how you needed to do that. Yes. And I could have helped you. Well, you were all stressed with your uni work. And here's the other thing, Charles. I mean, you could just have a shovel annual, couldn't you? Well, I think it would sell better. So there's that.

That's depressing. Incredibly depressing. And also, it's going to drag on into the night. The designer's in London. And it's there 9pm. She's gone to sleep. And the last thing she said was, oh, by the way, I've just emailed you the latest version. Has she gone to sleep?

Is it midday over there? She's been working since about Saturday. Wow. You've really broken the designer. Yeah. Okay. I blame James. And the thing is, she said she'd send it through several hours ago.

it just never appeared. And I want to go to bed soon. It's just going to drag on. If it was me, I'd be going to one or two. Hey, do you want to do it? No, I don't. Okay. The other stuff I've got to do.

I've got other work that's behind. Are you kidding me? The last thing is, it's just on my mind that Christmas cards. Oh, Christmas cards. So James, the fuck week, has not just sent his Christmas cards or novelty, you know, funny Christmas cards. I'm sure they're like incredibly witty and everything. To the printers.

Because, you know, it takes a couple of weeks to get them all organ. They get really busy, impact, not only that, but we've got this other brand called Wankonomics now, which we toured with at the beginning of year. We're doing another tour next year. We're just locked in our festival dates. And we're doing some Christmas cards based on all the language stuff around that, and they're really fun.

But he went, oh, it's all right, I'll get them together and bundle them off. He sent them as well. So he's, like, lapping me in terms of productivity. And then I spent the afternoon while I was not editing this annual trying to work out ideas for Christmas cards. I got nothing. There is nothing good about the world. I don't think this is the day for you to have a jolly take on Santa.

Oh, Merry Christmas. I hope your lizard doesn't die. Oh. The thing I'd say, Charles, is that there is a lesson in this. It's a very clear lesson, just hearing this story from the outside. And it's not one that reflects well on you or me or any of us. Oh, yeah. Which is that clearly the way to run this sort of business is to have one person who is talented and competent enough to just do all of it themselves.

He probably is the best comedy writer in the country. if he's basically doing the whole thing himself, right? Yeah. And evidently just super organised and gets sort of good. And he's a lovely guy, such a nice guy. Very handsome, too. He's really... Yeah.

He's the full package. He's basically perfect. Yes. It's amazing. He hasn't been signed up for television. Like, if you produce television, give him a show. He's the only white man in comedy. He doesn't have his own show at this point.

But it just means Charles, you just need to find someone who's better at this stuff than you and just hand the chaser over to them. I have. His name's James. We just shut down the chaser. No, don't shut it down. Oh, didn't shut it down. He can run both brands at once.

You know, just both audiences. Sydney and Melbourne. I think part of his brilliance is he doesn't bite off more than he can chew. Like, while he was coming up with his Christmas cards, I was probably like inventing a pool avocado or something. I was actually saying to someone the other day, someone I know who's working on a like a sort of business project to simplify and focus on the things that actually work.

Like, do fewer things and do them better. Yes. And it made me think, I should talk to Charles about that because. I know. But you have so many things on the go. So how do I... Well, there's two paths. There's two paths from New Charles.

If you let me advise you, I don't know why you'd take my advice because I'm not very good at any of this stuff. But option one is the James Schleffel option, where you have something you're really good at and you just do that. Yes, and you thrive. Thrive and they're just basically impossibly handsome. Like if you don't believe me, look at the war on 2023 posters.

I mean, Mark Humphries is also very handsome and very efficient. Like, you're surrounded by you. Made a real mistake, sort of budding up to really handsome people. And there's Gabby Bolt in the live show, too, and she's brilliant as well. So there's all these very talented people. So that's one option. And you can buy tickets to that at War on 223.com. And is there a place in the message that you can sort of mention this as a pity purchase?

Because I think Charles would really appreciate that. So cheer me up. You have to come to the War on 2020. So there's that. I promise I won't tell any sad anecdotes. The Schleffle slash Humphrey's option, just talent. Being talented. And the second option, and I don't mean this is not being talented.

You need the Mark Fennell model Where you do six things at once But you do them well That's the tough bit And he has three podcasts He hosts Mastermind He's got a show on Radio National I have a theory about Mark Fennell

What's that? And how he does it I don't know I love to know I have a theory That he hates his family And you know how you see him on social media I don't know whether you're following on social media

But he's always like playing with his kids And you're going Oh fuck you You know You're also a perfect dad as well But I reckon No, that's just another project. Because the only way you could get six things done well at once

would be to completely ignore your family, wouldn't it? I know, I know Mark a bit, and I'm pretty confident he's doing a pretty good job on that front as well. Is that really sure? You know what he isn't. I don't think he has reptiles. No. Well, neither do it.

This has been a very sad day for Charles. So this is the pity episode. When I said we'd pre-record, this is a couple of days before. So Charles will have recovered. somewhat by the time, you hear this. He's not in the currently in complete... I've got to completely change my life, don't I? Oh, maybe a bit.

Yeah. Maybe if you, because you do always need to be doing a thousand things at once. And it does seem very stressful in a way. But what I don't understand is, how does anyone make any money if they don't do a thousand things at, like I barely can survive? I don't know. If anyone knows the answer to this question, can you email a podcast at chaser.com. I mean, I used to be a management consultant very briefly.

I didn't do that job long enough to actually get any business insights. But, I mean, there are people out there who are specialists at making crap businesses profitable. There's an episode in this feed. Didn't we talk to Fred Shabester about this from finder.com is an amazing tech entrepreneur? I don't know how to get them to actually, because they, like, I have conversations with people like that. And they go, oh, yeah, you just sort of make a million dollars and then, you know, you just focus and then you make a million dollars and you just be better at what you do and you make a million dollars. But it never then results in them sitting down with you and going, okay.

Well, here's how that debt will get paid the next day based on this long-term plan to focus. How do you get out of the hustle so that you can be doing what you truly love? I know what the answer is. I've actually just realised what it is. We should drop the podcast. That's probably the first time.

No, when the chase was created, and it was your idea originally, the thing that, look, I might be overregging its importance, perhaps. I've spent a lot of my life on this project. But you created a thing, and this has been true in the newspaper, It was true in commercial radio. It's true in the web. It's true in almost every aspect, except it turns out podcasting,

that you created a brand that has a huge amount of integrity and fondness towards it, but that is entirely unsellable. No one wants to sponsor it because they're too worried about being associated with it in case we say something edgy. Yeah. So basically, thing to do is to stop doing the chaser, you're something with far less integrity. Yes.

It makes lots of money. The problem is you've had principles. It was very foolish, and you've lost a huge amount. out of money as have we all by having principles i think you're right i think i should join the federal liberal party well they're looking for talent at the moment yes because peter dutton's going to win this whole voice referendum but at the cost of his teal seats like there's no chance he can possibly win government post the voice referendum isn't that right isn't his theory that everyone would have forgotten like everyone in the teal seats will have forgotten about that by then

he'll have mortally wounded elbow and then he'll be able to say this is just chaos in dysfunction And I reckon the line that I think is the shrewdest is Albo speaks big but never delivers on anything. And that's because Dutton prevents him from delivering on things. Well, hasn't Albo tried very hard to speak not big? Like, hasn't that been his main strategy? But Albo's got the same strategy, which is that in a year's time, when he goes to the election, we will have forgotten about the voice. Like, they had a very, they could have had the voice for a friend of him at the same time

as the next federal election. That would have actually been much cheaper. Yes. Would have saved millions and millions and millions of dollars. But clearly the strategy was, have it now. get out of the way by the time the next election happens, so we all forget about it. So which of them will be more mortally wounded by this?

All I'll tell you is that as the polls have gone in nose favour, Dutton's gone down and the poles and elbows gone up. So I'd have to be a non-teal lib. I'd have to be far-right, sort of probably anti-trans, do you reckon? You could be. Yeah. But, I mean, you've got a strong family history in the Labour Party. Maybe you should be a Labor teal.

Labor, yes. I don't know what the Labour version of a teal is. Well, that's green. The green. No, but you could basically be the other extreme. You could be the kind of pro-Labour person that's very anti-Labor. Like, you could just make fun of Labor and then take their vote. Would that work?

Isn't that what the Labor Party is basically nowadays? They're just a parody of a Labor Party. They say that they grew up in community housing. Oh, that's what you could do. And then they back in property investors and give money to Orcus and stuff. Can I actually get them to give you a Senate seat or something? Yeah, there must be. Maybe my sister can hook me up with something.

Well, this has been it. I hope you feel better, Charles, after this episode. This is just the worst. This is the perfect way to win one of the worst days of your life, on the podcast. I think what I'll do is I'm going to become the opposite. I'm going to do the George Costanza. Oh, brilliant. Do the opposite of everything from now on.

That you want to do? That I want to do. So you'll be voting no on the weekend. No. But it does feel like first. Blue's. Like, when you compare that to what the misery that's going on in the rest of the world. Yeah, I mean, and even the people who are genuinely suffering with the cost of living crisis

rather than just crap it running a small business like you. Yeah. It could be worse. I want to go back to the days where the government just handed out free money to businesses. Remember the Halcyon days of Scott Morrison? Finally, we've hit upon a really good strategy. Bring it in another pandemic and lockdown. Yes.

That way, there will free money for businesses. Yeah. People will be so bored that they want to give money to the chaser again. and maybe if you're not so busy with all the other stuff you're just getting paid not to work you could keep a lizard in slightly bad conditions I know I know you're hurting Can we put in some somber music

As the outro for this Because I just want to Say a few words Um I'm curious from bro Part of the I'm kind of class network I'm just glad I wasn't here to see this Thank you.