The Chaser Report - Deep Simpact

Episode Date: November 28, 2021

Warning! NASA have reported an asteroid is heading directly to Earth! The team brings you all the latest details on your impeding doom, and which celebs should star in the movie spin-off. Meanwhile Aleksa has uncovered a wild conspiracy that will blow the lid off of parliament. Plus the tension between Bathurst and Orange rises as the battle for blandest town in Australia continues. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by listening to the podcast in your car. Do you, do you that? Are those sirens? Is that coming from inside the car or outside the car? I can't tell. Ah, okay, I think it's the podcast. Oh, that's so annoying. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Monday, the 29th of November.

We have Gabby Bolt. Hello. We have Alexa Vulevich. Hi, hi. I'm Dom Knight and Charles Firth. I think he's back tomorrow. He just keeps travelling and rehearsing and doing the other shows. It's just though we're his second priority.

It's about time we take the hint. Or maybe he's heard what Ness has heard. Yeah, yeah, I wish we could present less devastating news today, but planet Earth is under attack. Oh, not again. No, this is, this is brand new. I've heard this. It's work people, right?

You're going to ruin everything. All right, Joe. This is an extraterrestrial problem. Oh, really? Aliens. You know what? Didn't have that on my bingo card. Why are aliens coming for us?

I mean, it does make sense after the pandemic, the locust plague, the floods, the storms. I mean, surely this is God's next playbook as telling us he doesn't like us very much. Not sure if God and aliens go ahead and hey. Anyway, sorry, Alex, why are aliens attacking us? We don't have time for this. We have time to wonder about the nature of God. I mean, whatever the issue is that's happening out there in space, we should rest assured that NASA has launched a spacecraft from California just recently to defend the Earth.

Wait, so there's no threat. It's practice. Practice for a threat. Oh. Right, okay. So I was just about to, I was just rewriting what my will like as we spoke. Charles gets nothing. Oh yeah, those two sentences really did just turn into one, didn't they?

We're scared of asteroids coming and hitting the Earth. So there's a little experiment that NASA has done where they've shot a big rocket into space to see if we can move an asteroid away from trajectory. So they're taking the premise of the movie Deep Impact as though it were real, which I suppose it is. Yeah. But hang on, where's Bruce Willis? Where are the deep core drillers who can drill into this thing and break it up? I think that's what we need to decide, like, who do we put on this rocket to go collide with the asteroid? Well, is it going to kill you if you get on the rocket?

Not according to the movies I saw. I heard this on the radio the other day. Yeah. And they were saying that it's basically like getting a shopping trolley at high. speed into the Great Pyramid of Geyser, like in terms of the scale. So I'm pretty sure the shopping trolley doesn't survive. Right. My idea was maybe George Christensen tell him there's a Manila-style bar like on the asteroid.

Yeah, private planet. He might like to meet some aliens, shall we say, people from elsewhere. Although maybe we should send Schomo because it is a giant rock. Who knows what kind of minerals are on there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, Gina? Gina.

Can you imagine the little statue he'll give himself, like a vagina? an asteroid, I stopped this. Yeah. I landed here. I don't know, though. I think we're thinking, I don't think we've really contextualised what the positives are for an asteroid.

Oh, yeah. You know, I mean, like the last one that hit Earth pretty massive impact. I mean, it did wipe out all the dinosaurs, but then look at what it brought. I feel like we've got a few too many dinosaurs on the earth right now. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, another one of those cheeky ice ages. I see what you did then. And we could start again. I reckon maybe just reality TV show contestants. Like, you make the ultimate bargain with them, you say you're going to be famous forever, you'll be a legend, everyone will know your name, you will perish as you hit the asteroid. But the things, imagine how, imagine the coverage they get on the way up,

imagine how popular their Instagram themes would be. And the great thing is there'd be none of those endless interviews after they get kicked out of the house. It'd be like Love Island, but like Space Island. Yes, and fatal. Yeah, oh, nice. Mix it together. Coming up on the show, I've uncovered a little conspiracy in the Labour Party that you

might be interested in. Plus, the competition between towns and central west of New South Wales to get us to visit is intensifying. I told you. Bathurst versus Orange. We've got correspondence from both places. They're helping the offer. It's a serious industry.

I knew it would work, too. We've fallen for their traps. All of that coming up after Rebecca Dana-Muno in the Chaser Newsroom. Prime Minister Scott Morrison has slammed the religious discrimination bill after fears he could lose his job for his constant. sins every time he lies. According to the PM, who refused to fire ministers accused of sexual harassment, the bill was only meant to uphold safe work environments by allowing schools to fire people who happen to be LGBT. However, one gay teacher has managed to save his career

by simply joining the Church of Cannot Be Fired. As reports come out about the meeting between Scott Morrison and Bridget Archer, following Archer's decision to not tow party lines, the PM's wife Jenny has begun preparations to explain friendship to Morrison after he described a colleague crying in emotional distress for half the discussion as a, quote, friendly chat. As the La Nina period kicks off around the country, many have been confused about whether to dress warm or cold. Experts have now reassured unsure Aussies that it doesn't matter what way you dress, because no matter what, you will somehow be wrong.

That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.com. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by listening to the podcast with your kids. Hey kids, did you know that if you subtract nine months from your birthday, it'll either be New Year's, Valentine's or your parents' birthday? I wonder why that is.

You should ask mum and dad. Okay, Dom's just left the office. Gabby, Lachlan. Yep. Got something to share with you. Oh my God. You sound really serious. I've uncovered a massive conspiracy that goes to the heart of the Australian government.

Oh, no. The Australian Labour Party are all CCP spies. What? No. Yeah. How? Oh, mate. I'm glad you asked.

Gabby, Gabby, it's a very serious thing. Don't laugh. Sorry, sorry. This is the fate of the free world, isn't it? What have you found? Well, it all started, like every other day starts. Peter Dutton makes a very straightforward statement. that no one could possibly disagree with.

Right. He says, if China invades Taiwan, it would be inconceivable that we wouldn't join the US if they took action against China. Normal thing to say, right? Classic dutto. Even though US strategic policy has always been to be ambiguous and not make a threat of war,

I think the tiny island of Taiwan is very important to Australian national security, obviously, right? Yeah. It's a lot like Australia, right? A tiny country that was annexed from China by the Japanese and World War II. Yeah. And up until 1978, it was acknowledged by the world as a legitimate seat of the Chinese government.

If that country ends up reunifying with China, that's the end for Australia. We might as well reunify with China after that as well. We're next. Game over. I agree, but why? The end days. So that's a normal thing for Peter Dutton to say. Yeah.

It's totally normal. And then Henny Wong comes in and says this. Amping up the prospect of war against a superpower is the most dangerous election tactic in Australian history. It is a tactic employed by irresponsible politicians who are desperate to hang on to power at any cost. Penny Wong is calling Peter Dutton out for warmongering. Can you believe that? Crafty bastard. Yeah, so she is obviously in cahoots with the CCP against our own national security.

Dutton had a response. He didn't hold back on the punches. He delivered the worst conceivable insult a Liberal Party member can make. Did he say, like, don't tell me that he, like, accused her of, you know, giving car parks to marginal electorates. This is much, much worse. Did he say that she was a rape apologist? Not even that.

And nor did we say that. He called her the P.K. word. Today's speech by Penny Wong could have been written by Paul Keating. I thought it was an appalling contribution at a time when we should be showing National Unity. Imagine that. He pulled no punches. Penny Keating back at it again.

But he had more to say. And the fact that Penny Wong today has marched away from the spirit of the Orcus Agreement, I think demonstrates that Labor is very weak on national security. You know, they're weak national security. It's just, it's very unlike a liberal leader to this close to an election, say that Labor doesn't know what they're doing. Yeah, yeah, it's a brandy. I don't think there's any, like, ulterior motive that Peter Dutton would have for accusing her.

Like she's clearly something, she's in cahoots with someone, keep going. Something's going on. But I mean, it's all about national security. Nothing makes Australia more secure than breaking from traditional international policy and threatening war against a superpower and who's also our biggest trading partner. This is a massive issue, right? I'm serious about national security. I don't know about you guys.

I'm actually, you know, not. I'm all right. Let them in. You're welcome chaos. I'm not even big on like my own security. But Dutton isn't the only one who's cottoned on to this. conspiracy. Scomo back in the day when he had the submarine fiasco and Macron called him a liar and then Albanesey was like, hey, you've done this horrible thing. As Scott Morrison said,

the Labour leader is backed in the Chinese government and that's why he's having a crack at me. Yeah, that's why. Yeah. No other reason. That makes me rethink like we've, we, we had a field day those two weeks when all that submarine stuff was going. We're making jokes constantly because obviously who were funded by the Chinese government. Shit, that's why we've been able to stay afloat for so long. Exactly. Where do you think all that money comes from? So that's why our walls are painted red. Yeah, and why we have the communist hat in the office.

Exactly. It all comes together. Why are my paycheck so low? There's not much money in communism. It's Chinese work. Oh, okay, we're dividing it around the company. Yeah, have you seen the exchange rate lately? It's not looking good.

Yeah, it's obviously we don't make these jokes because these are hilarious national security blunders. We make them because we're paid by the Communist Party. Yeah. And so we know exactly when someone else is working for the Communist Party. We can tell old Chinese proverb takes one to no one. Yeah, we all went to Communist Party school. Like, we know what to look for.

And no party like a Communist Party because the Communist Party don't align with the Liberals. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online. So you can make the switch. minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by listening to the podcast before bed.

Did you lock the front door? Night night. Just before we go, I've done my job. I've been a true patriot. Bathurst have pulled through. I asked them to and they have. Daughter of Bathurst right here. They fucking, they, they, they have sent me what is probably the best email I've ever received in my life. They say, hi, Gabby, well, well, well. Have now, of course, started listening to The Chaser Report and just caught up this morning on yesterday's episode. So Orange have the audacity to bid for your love and affection, do they? This is, naturally, little more than a sad and desperate cry for affection from our neighbours,

jealous that we have the local heroes of your class and calibre to celebrate. They have my pity. Is this from the official, like, back of council? Yeah, this is from Daniel. Oh my gosh. From the tourism industry in Bathurst. I was delighted that you fought the good fight for Bathurst on the podcast. Of course, you're welcome, Daniel.

I'm also sure that you need no reminding of the experiences we could offer the chase a road trip in and around Bathurst. Visit the brand new distillery, the Grange, really awesome gin. Four-wheel drive adventure to Hill End to look for gold. Gabby, there is still gold to be found in the rivers. Lap of Mount Panorama, real cool climate vineyards. Visit to the Brett Whiteley exhibition currently on at the Bathurst Regional Art Gallery. Maybe schedule your road trip for one of our big events. They've offered me everything.

Everything we do in a year, they've offered it. In Lansing Sound Festival. the 12-hour, winter festival. Wow. They'll put us up at ridges. I knew they would. That's a pretty compelling pitch, Gabi. All right.

So Bathurst is keen to get us to go there, which is frankly an unusual experience for this podcast, to actually be invited anywhere and given beds. Yep. However, I've got an email here from Emily in Orange, where my relatives live. So Tourism Orange, big chase of fans and would happily accommodate any dates,

requests, or unique ways in which we could be. bribe you. We can do accommodation, lovely meals and a winery tour. Oh my God. Paring local wines with everyday meals. Any date. It could be any date, school holidays, you can bring partners and children to get the real Central West experience. Wow. I mean, they're not just inviting the team. They're inviting the extended family. Fuck the families. I don't have any family. Well, I do. They're all in Bathurst. But like, we don't need them. And here's the extraordinary thing. Here's that in Orange, generally says, you can get a three bedroom house, three streets from the CBD on half an acre for $278,000.

It's the same in Bathis. They're like an hour away from each other. But this one's in orange. Well, what I'm hearing is we're going to have to go, aren't we? I mean, this is great. She says, my mortgage is $300 a week. I lose internet every time it rains. And last week, a wallaby jumped around in our veggie patch. That sounds to me like an unbeatable Central West experience, except for the internet dropping

out. I'm loving all the passion for you guys, but I think we got to tone it down a bit. not just jump at the first offer. We need to keep this rivalry going, be slightly unimpressed until we can get like the key to the city or something, you know? Or a statue, perhaps. Or renaming something after the chaser could be good. That might be in the mix.

The other thing is, Emily suggests Mount Chaser Roma. I think that could be amazing. No, that's never going to happen. We might be able to swing like a public bathroom or something. The chaser bathroom. That makes a degree of sense. That's hilarious. The other thing is, look, Emily suggests that Cowra may actually want to have a piece of this action as well.

But they're getting Chris Hemsworth. That's the point. What do they need us for? Is it a test run? It's a Hemsworth test run. Well, listen, I'm not going to say no to a Hemsworth test run. All right, Central West, we're listening. But as Alex has said, don't give us, you know, give us your final offer.

Let's make this thing happen. I think in the new year. Are you saying we're doing it? I'm saying we probably should. Regional tour. Regional tour. Regional tour. Three chances enough.

Or any airlines want to fly us to the Central West? You don't fly? Oh my God. Guys, we can't fly to Bathurst. Everyone who flies to Bathurst is a wanker. It's like a colloquially known thing. But I am a wanker. Yeah, but if somebody finds out that you traveled there and you flew

and you didn't just drive the two and a half three hours, everyone thinks you're an massive asshole. This is part of the negotiation, right? We get them to give us flights and then we make it so no one can call us a wanker. That's what they're offering us. Oh my God. That's never happened to be in a country town before. Oh my God, guys.

I'm just saying if we're going to bid up, fuck it. Let's get Qantas. Let's get a helicopter. Oh my God. Rural flying doctor service. No, we can't fly into Bathurst in a helicopter. Everyone will hate me. Let's do it.

We're flying to Bathurst. Bathurst, Orange, Cowra, throw in Glenburn. That's a community of a baby. about 40 people. I've never heard of Glenn Byrne. We're not going to fucking Glenburn. We're doing it. Agis promoted microphones.

We're part of the Acast, a greater network. And it sounds like we're going to the Central West. Central West. Fuck yeah. Does that happen we've got to meet Gabby's family? You sure do. Oh God, I'm out.