The Chaser Report - Definitely the Hamish and Andy Podcast

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

In a bid to attract more listeners, we’ve hijacked Hamish and Andy’s website and are now officially pretty much as good as them. Dom reviews the world’s vaccination ads, Charles gets Craig's advice on TikTok addiction, and also takes a trip to the dentist. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with all the latest headlines you can’t trust. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Wait, wait, no, no. Hang on. That's wrong. That is wrong because we've actually changed our name. We are now the Hamish and Andy podcast, Australia's number one podcast and number two, those fuckers. Yeah, that's right. So, yeah, we wanted to get some more listeners.

And Cam, our editor at the Chaser, actually suggested it. a really good method, and it involved just changing our name to the Hamish and Andy podcast. Cam Smith, welcome to our podcast, the Hamish and Andy podcast. How are you, Hamish? I'm doing quite well. So what is going on? Why have we done this? So we had a bit of a campaign to drum up more listeners on the podcast,

which so far has involved us buying a potentially stolen car and getting one of the interns banned from St Mary's Cathedral. But for some straight reason, we haven't seen much of a bump in the numbers from those two. Oh dear. Yeah. So we had a re-look at the podcast charts. And as you mentioned, right up there at the top next to all the serial killers is our good friends, Hamish, and Andy. Now, we had a bit of a brainstorm about what we could do to try and leach off their success. And we decided to just ask them. But when we went to message, we noticed the website is gone. And now, what appears to have happened was they hadn't renewed the domain name. Oh, yes. And if I was a less ethical person, at this stage, I might see an opportunity here. Because if someone hasn't re-registered their domain name, that just means any good for nothing can swoop in and claim it for themselves. Oh, yeah. So that's exactly what we did. So we are now the proud owners of hamish and Andy.com. Hamish and Andy podcast.com. I think Hamish and Andy, the owners

of hamishanddi.com. But we own Hamish and Andy podcast. It's the off-brand Hamish and Andy podcast. We're the ALDI of Hamish and Andy's. And so how did you decide that Dom would, be Andy. Andy is much better looking. He's taller. He's stated supermodels. I mean, it fits. I'm much taller and better looking than you, Charles. Yeah, but Hamish is the funny one. That doesn't make any sense either. I'm Hamish. It definitely wasn't just whoever came up in the Google Resorts first. So, okay, so, okay, so what are we

going to do from here? How can we now, how does this then lead to more listeners for this shot? Well, that's a very good question because, I mean, if people are hearing this, they've already heard the podcast. So this isn't really drumming up many more people. Yeah, there are a few problems. I mean, Hamish and Andy are well known for being best friends. That's a problem, step one. Charles and I have had at each other since high school. And they're also known for their lovable endearing pranks that are very, very funny, but in no way threatening and involve things like chip packets. So I'm very old friend. So how are we going to do that?

Well, I had a bit of a number crunch looking at their numbers when I was like, how well are we doing compared to them? And I realized we don't really need to do that much at all, because if just 1% of Hamish and Andy's listeners get fooled by this and end up listening to our podcast, we will have doubled our listeners. That's great. I love it. Have you seen they've got that other podcast?

So not only have they had number one, they've also got number two with the remembering project, where all they do is they go and look at their old radio shows and listen back to them and laugh at them. Maybe we need a podcast where we listen to old Hamish and Andy. Remembering, Remembrance, Hamish and Andy. No, yeah, we should listen to old episodes of remembering. The remembering project, that's right.

All right, that's going to launch tomorrow. What else have we got in this Hamish and Andy show, Dom? Well, I've unearthed some of the world's most convincing vaccine ads in places like Singapore and Canada and Scotland where governments are trying to overcome vaccine hesitancy. And let's just say, as bad as those ads are, they're much better than Australia's. And I'm going to get down with the kids and talk about the TikTok. Oh, God. Hamish and Andy would do that so much better.

But first, let's go to Rebecca Day and Emuno with the Chaser Global International News Headlines. That's Hamish and Andy's Global International News Headlines. The Public Safety Authority behind such successful campaigns as, If You Drink and Drive, you're a Bloody Idiot, and Don't Be a Tosser, put it in a bin, has unveiled a new campaign to encourage people to get vaccinated. The new slogan, get vaccinated, you selfish cunts, will start from tomorrow. A plague of vermin has been successful. seen swarming Canberra, leaving locals concerned for their safety.

Known commonly as Liberal Party front benches, the rodents have been spotted terrorising residents for years. Women and desks are especially advised to steer clear of the infestation. Energy Minister Angus Taylor has begun a solo space mission to the sun today after learning that stars are made of natural gas. After making it halfway to the sun, Mr Taylor turned back after he found out that the sun also supports solar power. That's the latest news for The Chaser Report.

I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. This episode of The Chaser Report is powered by coal. It's all right. It's just a bit of black lung. So guys, I've got a bit of a problem. And I was thinking actually Craig might be able to help me with this one, which is that I've got a 12-year-old. old, right?

He's almost 13. And he's heavily into the TikTok. Into the TikTok? Yes. Do you have your kids into the TikTok? No, my kids are too old for TikTok. They're like me. They're like boomers going, what's this TikTok?

What's this TikTok thing? No, it's interesting. You know how many kids, though, and this have to my kids, have had to delete TikTok just because it's become so obsessive. Yes. And, like, literally you have, like, you have, like, 14-year-olds who have, of course, no responsibility, any other part of their life going, you know what? I think I just need to get this out of my life. Well, this is, this is the question I have, which is, we keep on catching him watching TikTok late at night.

So we got into the habit of taking his phone from him, charging it in our room. Yeah, that would be my solution. We then caught him with the iPad, took that away from him. We then caught him the next night with his mother's, work iPad, which he'd keep taken from her bag. Next thing I'm thinking is we're going to find him with a desktop computer. He's running out of devices. But Charles, why can't he just watch porn like a normal high school boy?

I know, that's what I keep on thinking. And keep showing him that. I love how addictive this is. Like, you know, there's got to be Colombian drug lords going, why didn't we think this is way easier? But what do you do? See, I'm not a get angry type person. I don't do that as a thing.

Like, what do you do? What I did was I let my kids continue to use it until it got to the point that it was so bad that they stopped themselves using it. It's called self-control. It's called bad parenting. It's called neglect. Yeah, yeah. No, but the thing about we still, like, I literally am taking the phone at night and charging in your room because, yeah. And also it means you can watch TikTok.

It's great. It's so good. I haven't slept a wink in nights. I'm just thinking back to my own childhood and all the stories about cigarettes, right? And there's some parents who, apparently, when they catch their kids smoking, they make them smoke an entire pack

and get very, very sick. So maybe you put him in a room with screens on every wall, TikTok for like 24 hours straight. He will have watched every dancing video in existence and he won't ever want to watch it again. Yeah. So what you're saying is you've got to smoke the whole pack.

So you're saying you've got to watch all of TikTok. All of TikTok. That's right. End of TikTok. That's actually because you've got one of those sons has a bit of a YouTube problem and that's my approach right now I'm getting him to watch all of YouTube yeah it hasn't worked yet just wait until he comes across the chaser YouTube but the other problem that this does is it means that like he's heavily influenced by

TikTok culture right now and he started talking in ways that I don't even understand like at dinner last night and he literally goes and that's the business right and we go what what is What are you talking about? And it's like, oh, it's a Tick-Tock meme. It's a meme. Like, it's how you end a sentence or something now. And other phrases, it was like, who put muffins in the freezer? And he sort of thinks that there's an expectation that we'll find it funny when he says these sort of non-sequiturs.

So I guess really the fault is on you, you should be, you're not watching enough TikTok to keep up. No, but I think actually, I've got a better solution than that, which is I think that what I should do is I should. should set up a wildly popular TikTok channel. Have you got any plausible ideas? No, that actually uses proper grammar, proper phrasings that, you know, we

understand. Hang a second. I don't think I've ever heard you finish a sentence on this podcast. Why are you going to suddenly use proper grammar? Well, because otherwise, like, I don't know. I guess my question is, can we swap Charles Firth

for Hartley Firth? So, This podcast has some popularity. Yeah, has some youth understand. They're like, how come they aren't talking about the muffins? Better put it in the freezer. Yeah, look, every time I turn to TikTok to be excited by it, I just find people lip-syncing to songs, and I don't get it. Yeah.

I don't understand. You're just like, where's the value at? Where's the creative value at? I think in that way, it's very similar to smoking, which is that it's actually horrible, But after a while, you sort of get addicted to it anyway. No, but you know the genius of TikTok, and this is why people get addicted who actually play it. And I know some, so I know some old people who've become obsessed by TikTok.

Like, like, we're talking 60, 70 years. No, no, but because what they've done is they've sung a song, right? You know, they've done a simple thing, and they've sung along, right? Yeah. What it does is, it's like a poker machine, is it gives you positive reinforcement. So if you do that, one of your early things goes nuts, right? Yeah, it gets heaps of hits because they, of course, control entirely the logarithm. So it's like winning the jackpot.

Yeah, so you get million hits and you think, I'm great at TikTok. Yes. And these people become obsessed by chasing this kind of feeling again, this euphoria of getting millions of hits. But of course, it's done by an algorithm that's basically done it because you've joined and you're just new to it. So they don't get it anymore because they're a six-year-olds in a son with no interest. So it is really, it's an addictive mechanism. So it works exactly like the chaser. It was briefly popular a long, long time ago,

and all of us are just continuing to chase that high again. Exactly. That's right. My God, it's true. But yeah, it's a brilliant addictive mechanism. So, you know, it's better than drugs, people. Okay, well, I'm off to set up a TikTok account then. Great.

Craig's gone. Craig has left the podcast. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Queensland Cole. Safe, certain, and always reliable. Hello? Where did the lights go? Do we have a backup wind turbine or something? Okay, so vaccine hesitancy is a pretty big problem in the COVID outbreak, as we know.

But some of the countries in the world have combated this using amazing ads. And we've got our musical expert, Gabby Bolt here. Hello. To give us some expert advice on what's convincing and what isn't. Charles, you might have seen this Chinese ad during the rounds. And I've got to say, it's pretty impressive. There's even a doctor rapping in this one. I like a minute, and I'm sure. I feel like Arianna Grande needs to feature on that one. Like, it's literally such a slapper. I would absolutely play that in the car.

It is pretty excellent. No hesitation. I'd play that in the dance. Like you'd dance, you'd take drugs to that. I suppose that's the point. You know what it actually reminds me of? It reminds me of that song by Mario, you should let me love you, but maybe we should do like, you should let me vax you. I like it. And also just the notion of combining karaoke

with getting the vaccine. You know, China's vaccinating 20 million people a day. If they ran out what it would take one day for Australia to get vaccinated. Yeah, can't relate at all. All right. So, look, other countries have tried to make ads to sell all the concept of getting a vaccine.

And they've all gone a different way. And I just want to get your thoughts. the U.S. got some ex-presidents involved, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. Here's what they had to say. I want to go back to work and I want to be able to move around. To visit with Michelle's mom to hug her and see her on her birthday. Did they script this, do you reckon? Do you reckon they just call up the presidents on a Zoom call?

They're like, just talk about whatever. I think that's all it was. Although Bill Clinton going back to work, you know what that means, don't you? Danger. Danger zone. I just want to go back to Jeffrey Epstein's Island. I got on the plane.

I got my Vax so I can get back on the plane, you know? But in the UK, they chose someone even more credible and respectable than an ex-president. They chose Michael Cain, guys. I've just had a vaccine for COVID. It didn't hurt.

Short, simple. That's what you need to say. It didn't hurt. I really... It's like... It's not like there's a driving fear of needles at this point. Well, but I don't know about you guys,

but among young people, we're forced to get, you know, vaccinations all through school and everything. I don't think it's really a fear of the jab itself. Yeah, what is the fear is that you'll be controlled by computer chips that Bill Gates has put in there. So really, it probably would have been a bit more effective for Michael Kane to say something like, there's no 5G, I'm 5G free. Yeah, Bill Gates is not controlling my mind. I'm not being brainwashed by the British government. Now, Canada, they haven't had the most ideal response to COVID.

Their ad has a fairly obvious logical flaw. See if you can pick it. If enough of us do our part by getting vaccinated, that ripple can become a wave. What is the one thing you don't want in a pandemic? Not the best wording. Why do they, why, what is it, I will say this, what is it with Canada and metaphors?

They love that shit. They love being like a ripple. can become a wave, or like, a branch can become a tree. It's like... A single pangolin can become a worldwide pandemic. I just think, yeah, well, they're not surfers, I suppose. Maybe they're not really used to waves in general. New Zealand have done pretty much everything, kind of world's best in the pandemic.

And their ad, I've got to say, it speaks to the youth or something. Hey, COVID! You're a bit of an egg in 2028. Hey, boys. And we see you making friends of 21, 22 and the rest of ever. I love how New Zealand has made, possibly, because I saw that one online. It's possibly the best ad ever made about anything ever. Yeah.

It's the most inspiration. You just immediately go, okay, I'm going to New Zealand and I'm going to get vaccinated right now. New Zealand make the best ads all the time. I actually seriously think Australia's facts. I don't know. Do you have any of Australia's vaccination? I haven't seen any of it. I don't even know.

I don't think we would have. We spent too much time on milkshakes. Sorry about a vaccine ad. We have an ad. Oh, yeah? Do we? After the milkshake one, you know, spent all the millions of dollars, it kind of went wrong. They got Dr. Nick Coatsworth.

You know the guy who was sort of a deputy chief medical officer in a lab coat, just talking to camera. We went with the anti-smoking way of advertising, didn't we? Yeah, get ready to get excited about vaccinations. For us to live more freely, we need the added protection of COVID-19 vaccine. That's all it is. Why is that our approach with everything ever on advertising? It's always like, come on, guys, don't, don't.

It's because we don't have any vaccines, so they don't want people turning up. I don't want to make it too sexy. Yeah, but I feel like, you know what I actually genuinely believe? If they just lent into the bullshit of it all and been like, look, we know we've messed up a little bit. But when we do get it, please get the vaccine. Well, Gabby, do you reckon you could make an ad that could get us strains vaccinated? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Are we going to challenge? Free sausage snag with every vaccination, boom, done. Let's challenge her to make it. And Gabi, just to inspire you, I've actually got the best one last. This is pretty weird, it's pretty out there, but it makes getting a vaccine sound fun. This is the one from Singapore. Everybody is time to vaccinate. Faster to laura, no time to win.

But you are easy, confirm saying. Ayah, Rosie, come on, be afraid. The vaccine is not any hardware, and against COVID, it will protect. So, I mean, you can't possibly make one as good as that. Well, I did come up with a few that would work with pub classics. Like, am I ever going to see vaccines again? No way get fucked, fuck off. We need, like, a pub rock song that's like, free snags with a jab or something.

I'll think of something. I'll come up with it. Can we get you back on tomorrow? Tomorrow? Yeah. 24 hours? Yeah, right? Sure.

All right. Just don't make it about milkshakes. No, I'll just steer clear of that. I'll just go straight into smoothies. This episode of The Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by Cole. Adani, good idea. Is that how you want me to say it, David? Oh, yeah, no, I think it's subtle.

I'm just worried that people might not get the supplemental sponsorship in there. Charles, what is your mouth bleeding? Oh, I went to the dentist yesterday afternoon, and it was just a disaster. See, I don't have very good health coverage. All right. And so, but they took my credit card. On the way in, really? On the way in, they said, oh, can we have your credit card, please.

That's extraordinary. Exactly. And it's sitting in the chair, and they were literally doing everything they could to my mouth to try and get me to buy extra things, like the x-rays and the extra, you know, extra, you know, cleaning and deep cleaning. Is that kind of like when, like a protection racket comes around and goes to your shop and says, oh, you need our protection and you go, no, I don't. And then they break all the windows in your restaurant. That is literally how... In fact, I took a recording of it

so you can actually hear what it was like at the dentist. Hello, I'm Shantel, your dentist. Now, what seems to be the trouble today? Saw teeth, aching gums. No, no, just here for a check-up. Well, we'll fix that. Do your teeth hurt yet?

No. How about now? No. What are you doing? Okay, how are your gums now? Actually, it does hurt a bit. But that's literally because you blew my mouth up. Well, that's going to be a lot of expensive work, I'm afraid.

But you caused it. No, it's because he didn't brush properly. What? This is outrageous. Yes, Nurse, what's the problem? We just had a look at this patient's x-rays. There's a terrible problem. Yeah, I know. I have to floss more. No, no, no, no, no.

It's more important than that. What, do I have a cavity? Oh, my God. This is deadly serious. What? Your credit card has expired. No! It's all right. I've got a defibrillator.

Clear! Clear! Clear! I'm still alive! There's nothing we could do. The card's expired. Date of expiry, 27th of May. Hey, look, do I just leave? I mean, yeah, we couldn't think of a punchline to this sketch. Well, Hamish, that's about all we've got time for. Andy, it has been a delight.

And we're going to do it again. tomorrow unless the real Hamish and Andy get an injunction, which they probably will. So it's been fun. Yeah, it's been great. Yeah, well, hopefully it means we don't even have to do this show anymore. Now, you can leave a review on Apple Podcasts, either on our podcast or better still, go to the Hamish and Andy podcast and say, not enough Charles and Tom. And confuse them.

I think what you should do is, if you are leaving a review on the Chase Report podcast, mention how great Hamish and Andy are. Yeah, love Hamish and Andy's work. in this episode. That will help with the search engines, I'm sure. You can find more news anytime at chaser.com. com. You can follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter.

The TikTok, the TikTok. Oh, yes, you're all over it now. And you can go to hamish-nattypodcast.com until that's taken down as well. Our gears from road microphones and we're part of the ACAST creator network. See ya.