The Chaser Report - Dolphins are C***s | Election Aftermath

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

Day 4 of The Chaser's election afterparty means the team have finally loosened up enough to listen to Charles ramble about why he hates dolphins. He swears there's a tie in to politics - you be the judge. Plus the team start to ponder what job prospects are left for the man who spent the last three years doing everything at once, and nothing at all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In an election that will determine the fate of the entire universe, there's only one podcast holding politicians accountable. Scott Morrison, Anthony Albanese, who will boom? Find out on the Chaser Report election edition. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report. Post-election wash-up week, it is Thursday the 26th of May. We've still got just about everyone here. Charles, Craig, Chris, jazz, Dom, Andrew. Yes, and given it is Thursday, Charles, can we just have an update on all the seats that have come through this week? Well, actually, there's been a bit of a reversal, and I'm afraid the libs have squeaked across the line.

Oh, have they? Yeah, yeah. What a mistake. I think it was Josh Frydenberg suggested that they mathematically could on election nights. Yep. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we go, wow, that's a big revelation. It's also a bit late for Freidembourg to care about science and maths.

And isn't the Japan visit going well? Oh, that was a triumph. We've got a lot of people ringing in that we've been a bit quiet about Albuke's performance over there. But, you know, Charles obviously has views. No, and also, don't you think that the performance of the people back here, you know, Jim Chalmers and Katie Gallaget? I mean, it's really exciting times. It is. Yeah, it was, yeah, him vomiting when he ate the, that sushi was, I mean, embarrassing for a while, but I guess, yeah, he'll bounce back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe Biden even remembered his name, which there was a breakthrough. Yeah, that was, that was a national relations. For Biden to remember anyone's name. Joe Biden actually remembered Joe Biden's name, too. He was very lucid of that company. You've got some dolphin material for us. Well, no, no, Dom, it's treading on the big story here, which is that Sam Lim, he's the news.

he's the new member for Tangi. He's one of the West Australian people who got in with a massive swing. I think it was like a 50,000% swing to the Labour Party. He's ALP, isn't it? He's ALP. And Tangy, I think the swing in Tangy was something like 14% needed for Labor to win. So I'm not sure that they were necessarily expecting Sam them to get in. But he made this extraordinary speech on Sunday, sort of thanking his followers

and just introducing himself to the world. But in it, he made a bit of a clanging out. He opened with a bit of a sob story about how, for the first 15 years of his life, his house had no floor, and I think no walls and no ceiling or something. No electricity in water. No floor walls or something. Even a non-built house has still has a floor of sorts. No, no.

It might not be floorboards, but there'd be a general earth or something. No, no. No, there's a bottomless piss. Well, let's refresh it. Let's go to the clip. And there's no power, no water. So we have to struggle for the first 15 years of my life. You're probably right.

You probably did have a floor. Just again, the journalistic standards of Charles Byrne has converted somehow no power, no water to no ceilings, no wall, no floor. That's not a house. That's not even a house. Charles has confused it for that prank call. Remember yesterday Charles was paying out the journalistic standards at Sky News. They've never quite suggested someone with no power, had no floral walls. Isn't that like the pit and the Red is the Lost Ark?

Like the, sorry, they're the Temple of Doom for the way when they take the guy's heart out and into this pit of fire? Is that what we're talking about? Well, I think it was a bit of a gaffe because... Well, you, yours was. No, because, you know, our... Albo's already done his sob story. Like, he's the poor one. Yeah, you can't.

You can't tread on those toes. And he rocks up first day at work, and he gazumps his own leader. Like, it was a huge mistake. It's like the full Yorkshireman sketch for Monty Python. Oh, you thought you had a talk. I didn't know. We had no walls. Floor or ceiling.

But then, then, a bigger gath. because this is going to be the loveliest thing you've ever heard. He was talking about how, because he grew up in Malaysia, and the first job he got, one of the first jobs he got was as a policeman. And in Malaysia, they don't pay policemen enough to be able to survive. Oh, yeah. I've heard the police station has no ceiling. And so he had to quit his job and instead do this.

Then I apply for another job. My best job ever, dolphin trainer. I love it because dolphins are so genuine. Dolphin never hurt you. If you feel hurt, you jump into the swimming pool, the dolphin will come to you and try to comfort you. Now, this is dangerous stuff. This is dangerous information for him to be spreading about dolphins.

Because, like, he's irresponsible for, a public official, a publicly elected visual, to spread news that the dolphins are gentle things. Dolphins are cunts! Let's just take a moment for that to see here. That's the three-word slogan. You didn't hear that often.

So take us through... Take us through your problem with dolphins. Well, okay. Famously, one of the most friendly animals. They're basically... They should be hired as empathy councilors. I don't get on a plane without my support. Port of emotional dolphin. No, no, well, I quote from the Animal Protection website, despite what dolphin area may have you believe.

Dolphins are apex ocean predators, capable of killing even sharks and should be treated as such. Dolphins can be aggressive to people and other dolphins and even self-harm, right? And there are 17, and then at least 17 reasons dolphins are dangerous. Right? Dolphins bite. They attack. They're intelligent and develop new ways to hunt and kill their prey. Okay.

So I mean, you sort of going, oh, that's pretty bad. Your main concern seems to be that they kill sharks which eat us. Yeah, they seem. No, no, they have in the past killed humans from time to time. Like, they can kill humans, right? Not only that, they enjoy torturing their food before eating it. So if you jump into a tank, like this new MP, for tangy, tells us to, then, and they decide, oh, well, I don't want to play with this

human, they, they will torture you before eating you. Well, unlike humans with their live cuddle trade with cows, where we don't, we give them a luxury cruise before eating them. Every single thing you've said humans do constantly, no? Yeah, well, I haven't said that humans aren't cars. But, and then they murder for fun, apparently. They kill each other's babies. The men attack the women.

They weigh 550 kilos. They're dangerously close. Oh, no, you're fat shaming them. Oh, yeah, come on. They hang out with puffer fish, which can, the toxin of which can kill you. Right? Associates.

The impression that I'm getting is that if Sam Lim can deal with these creatures, we should put him in charge of negotiating with the crossbench. I reckon we need to do a reboot of flipper with Charles writing the screws. A children's horror series It's like this awful animal So anyway A huge gaffe I can't see

I'm not even sure By election in two weeks How can he survive this? Yes exactly This is a huge scandal This is Labor's first scandal Charles Do you think this limb character

Is in the pocket of big dolphin Yes Huge dog I was going to say It's almost irresponsible of this podcast to not have a dolphin here to put the, you know, the argument for the negative, for the affirmative. And frankly, it won't take much for them to convince me that Charles is a cut. Can we just have the right of reply from the dolphin? Can we just put in the right of reply?

Oh, well said. Well, I'm on the dolphin side. It makes a good point. They are intelligent. Are you what he said about me? Hi Andrew Hansen here, the hot one from the Chaucer's TV shows Yes, even pricks, turn into top blokes after death You can see me, Andrew Hanson, live on stage in Melbourne

This Saturday the 28th of May Search comedy in Olinda for the details Yes, I'll be playing O'Linda Community House in the Dandenongs Along with some other comedians who are good with heights Plus, live in Bendigo on Thursday the 2nd of June at Piano Bar. That's me, Andrew Hanson, live in Melbourne and Bendigo. Hot. Rigging elections since before it was cool, the Chaser Report.

So we all heard Morrison's speech on Saturday night, but that wasn't actually his last speech as Prime Minister. Because the next morning, he went to the Horizon Church, it's in his electorate, which is his local church. and made a whole address there, which was actually a lot more, I think, heartfelt and emotional. The real Morrison. Yeah, the real Morrison than the one that he did on election night. And he actually said, look, I'm glad this is the last place that I'll be addressing anyone as Prime Minister.

Because there's no journos there. Because there's no journo's there. But there's one comment that he said that just sort of stood out as being, I don't know, you can listen to it. Now, I should note, this is like a church address, and at his church, it's a Pentecostalist church, so they actually put a music bed under your speeches. Do they really, yeah.

Craig and I went to Hill song once upon a time. It was amazing things. They did it all the way through. That's such a good technique. Like, I grew up, like, I'll hide church Anglican. Yeah, I know. It's always not off. If you just had some sort of Nova dance music underneath the sermon,

you have half a chance of paying attention. How did he not do that during the COVID press conferences that went on? Why don't you just have a little bit of an upbeat, sort of just a bit of a vamp underneath some with a keyboard? But also, you could do it like theatre sports where the keyboardist improvises according to the emotions of the speech. Because they've always got the Oslam person who's expressive and it looks like they're dancing, but give them some fucking music to actually move to it. Mr. Music, play us the song of when you haven't been able to get vaccines into the country. What does that sound like?

The problem is you then got to have two Oslampers and with the other person doing the music as well. Anyway, this is what Morrison said. Yes, but at the last election, we really understood that it was for such a time as this. And now we both know it was for such a time as that. I am sorry. So he said, you know, we understood that when we got elected

that it was such a time for this. It was God's will? Yeah, well, I think he was just saying, like, yeah, it was God's will. I was put on this planet for a purpose. That's exactly what it does. I speak a little bit of Pentecostal from our Christian roots, and for such a time as this is what they say to make it feel. But it's code word for where God's chosen people, basically.

Right. And so his joke is, it's now apparent that God's will was that it was only for that time. For three years, yeah. The next three years, that's right. It's now apparent that even God swang away. It only took us five minutes to unpack a Christian joke. It's the only self-deprecating thing I've ever heard Scott Morrison say.

He's got a good laugh. So everyone in that room knew what we got about. We needed Dom Knight for it to be coded for us. No, but that's what I'm saying is if gear like that goes down, Well, I want to play the Horizon Church. I want to take up, you know, Pentecostal comedy gigs. I reckon they'd love your stuff, Charles. The Dolphins are a cunt's routine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He mentioned that. He mentioned you without the intelligent design people. Dolphins a cat. Your next life tour, Charles should surely be the prophet Charles Firth. You're right, though. With a keyboard bed. It looks like a soft crowd.

Yes, no, exactly. I always think to, you know, like just comparing Australian elections to American, like the presidential Americans over in the States, almost every stump speech, you know, the Trump rallies, but it's also the Democrats as well, just massive applause. Like, it's all big stadium events. Even our, like, victory speeches on election night, they're not stadiums.

It was like an RSL, you could barely fit elbow onto the stage. It was that smaller venue. So it's sort of a big theory. I kind of think it's endearing that we're quite foxy. We haven't gone completely presidential. Well, can you imagine if Balbo was an American presidential candidate or American president? And he gave one of those speeches to like, you know, 20, 30,000 people, this huge stadium. And they all started cheering and he's went, shut up.

I'm trying to talk. Shut up. Order. Order. Although, I think even, I think even, I think even, I think even a massive stadium crowd would not be able to get excited about Penny Wong. Because it was such a doubt. intro. It's like, oh, yes. I won't hear a bad word against Penny.

I like Penny Wall, but she's not doing Beck Day and no warm-ups. Just going back to Morrison briefly, because we've had a question coming from a listener, Jenny from south of Sydney. Just because the question is, what is Morrison's mandate

from that loss? Because in the last few days, he said, I'm a bulldozer, I'm going to change and become nice. But everyone then voted against him. Does that mean they want him to remain a shitty bulldozer? Like what's what does he take away from this? We don't like the promise of change.

We don't know. The Australian spoke, we want the bulldozer. We want you just the way you are, Scotty. Like if you don't keep tackling young boys randomly in the street, we'll be very disappointed in it. But I actually think it was a huge mistake for him to say that he was going to change. Because clearly if he hadn't said that

he would have been elected. Exactly. Because people voted against Scott Morrison Changes. Exactly. Definitely. Definitely. Definitely. It's funny that story, though. You know how he tells the story about how, oh, you know, Jenny's family always says, my family are like the bulldozers or whatever. And he tells his whole story about, we'll just come in there and do it. And the story, it's very clear that actually what Jenny is saying is, oh, for fuck's sake, the Morrison family are coming over again. It's like extremely clear that it's not a nice story. And he hears it as a nice story. Which is why, I'm just hoping that he's got the message. I think Jenny's had to explain the loss to him. You know, like he couldn't understand what Brittany Higgins was going through

until Jenny had clarified the important. Do you think he, because he has no sort of human understanding of anything himself without a fireside chat with Jenny. Has anyone even told him he's lost until Jenny breaks the news to him? I think that's what happened with the Horizon Church, is he got up really happy on Sunday morning, think he'd won, and going, oh, I'm going to go and address the church. I've just lined it up and everything.

And then Jenny had to sit down. That explains why on the Saturday night his speech was as if he'd won. And by the Sunday morning, Jenny had sat him down and it was like, oh, I lost. Well, either that or his empathy consultant taught him to feel sorry for himself. I just, I must say, though, the period where Scott Morrison thought that the problem with him as Prime Minister was that he'd just done too much. He'd just pushed too much through. Wouldn't hear a word against all the change he'd done with the bulldozer. Yeah, yeah, you were solving too many problems with his problem.

There's not a lot you can do with a bulldozer, though. Like, it's not like you can, like, you can't do a vaccine rollout with a bulldox. Like, bulldozers only destroy things. Well, they're pretty good against that your old kids, it turns out. You want what he do now? Like, I guess, work in the construction. Like, if there's development in the Gold Coast and you need to knock down some heritage to buildings, get scoma.

Get the hive. He could just be a hive's model. I like say modeling for lows. In the years ahead. I thought he was a high-vis model. He's always in high-viz. He's the last three years. I think after that clip, though, he's going to go on the Pentecostal comedy circuit.

Well, Hill's song, as we've said, does need a new leader. This is going back a bit. I'm sure at least Chas will remember this. Most of you might remember when Craig McLaughlin did stand up on the footy shirt? Yes. Like, and, you know, there's another guy who's currently scratching around for work and a new sense of purpose. If Morrison... A double beer.

Morrison and McLaughlin. Oh, it is. Coming to Edinburgh. Next year. Yes. Surely there's a job with tourists in Hawaii. I mean, he's done more. He's got the experience.

He's got them on the map. I hadn't heard of Hawaii. And I still hadn't heard of them when Morrison went there. It was only with all the chaser headlines that referenced that. Oh, there's this place called Hawaii. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Charles, I reckon, I'm not sure you needed that compulsory one a day. Well, I mean, it was impressive to.

see someone actually going to the very spot though and putting the plaque up in the past couple of days that was a chaste of stunt during the campaign yes we got that in hawaii yes what's the very spot there's a you know those blue heritage plarks that you have out on buildings yeah yeah yeah someone went to the spot where he was having drinks are those seats they're sitting there's looking miserable in a seam with the palm tree yeah yeah and they put a plaque that read what charles well it said uh this is where morrison sat in 2019 and did nothing well Australia burned.

Great. The chaser sent someone in Hawaii to put that plaque down. Well, no, I think it's more accurate. The chaser found somebody who was going to Hawaii. Right. The chaser air-tasked someone in Hawaii. You know, I mean, I actually kind of feel sorry for Morrison. Let's say, like, it was the family's favorite destination.

Like, they just love Hawaii. They can never really go there again, can they? Like, if anyone ever snaps them in Hawaii again, it's going to be a new story. Like, even though it shouldn't be, but it just will be, oh, can you believe even out of office he's still going to Hawaii? He doesn't care. Actually, speaking of out of office, his email should be just going to Hawaii. See you in a few weeks.

Oh, well, farewells scomo. Oh, he's not going anywhere. He'll stay in the Parliament. No, he won't. You don't think. No, I think you have to say that on election night, because it's a real snub to your vote, your actual seat, to say, I'm pissing off straight away.

If you're the author of the party's biggest decimation in years, you're not hanging around. I don't think he's got Abbott-like spoiler. I think he'll just get out and go straight back into the, probably a private service to be overpaid to be an incompetent tourism manager again or something. I can't, does anyone disagree? I don't think he'll do three years. I don't know.

It's a weird thing because who's going to employ him necessarily? It's like, it's interesting. This mates in the fuel industry. He'll be, any ex-prime minister is not going to struggle to get a job. But I can't see him hanging around when all the commentary about how much he fucked the party. If he's struggling that hard, Paul Murray can give him a job. He's his mate. Health on church, maybe.

I've got some welding that needs to be done. I've got no hair, so he can be my hairdresser. He's the most qualified from this or ever. This is it. He comes out of this with about 4,000 tapes of tickets. It's ironic for a man who never actually did his job. He's known for doing so many jobs. Our gear is for remote microphone.

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