The Chaser Report - Dom Becomes A QUEEEEENSLANDER

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

Dom Knight is in Brisbane, and can feel the Queensland culture starting to seep into his DNA -- what will he become? Meanwhile Charles talks about the latest week in parliament. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report, and Dom, you are still up in Stupid Brisbane. I am in one of the greatest places in the world, according to Time magazine, Charles. In March of last year, Time magazine made a list of the greatest places in the world to be, and the only Australian city to make the list was Brisbane. Brisbane, the city of dreams, the earthly paradise that we are now at, which is so, it's so lovely, the tropical climate, the freeways everywhere, the sense of dread as you walk along the street lad at night. It's just an exciting place to be, Charles. You should have been here as well.

It's the Florida of the Southern Hemisphere, isn't it? Yeah, and what a shock it was, Charles, for Brisbane to get that accolade from Time magazine. I didn't know Time magazine until existed. Well, I presume if you look in the fine print, it will be sponsored by the Brisbane Tourism. Tourism Association or something. Like, I don't think Brisbane's ever got an accolade that they didn't pay money for. No, no, like, I'm not, I'm not insulting the people of Brisbane. Some of my worst enemies are from Britain.

Yeah, I'll glass you. But, I mean, to be fair, Charles, number one, number one on the list, number one reason why it's so cool, according to Time magazine, is because it has the Olympics. Ah, which is not a strong argument. They've got to start sort of jeeing up everyone to get interested in. Brisbane. So you've got Paris, London, Beijing, Brisbane. I don't know why this was. I don't think anyone else wants it.

Isn't that right? Isn't it the case that no city wants the Olympics anymore? So Brisbane finally, fashions do come here a little bit late. I feel like the Olympics really peaked in the 80s. So about 50 years later, seems like a kind of standard Brisbane time. Brisbane's the kid who in school sport never got selected and always got chosen last. and Brisbane has now been chosen and play sport. Finally chosen. But there is a, the city's got a spring in its step, Charles. I'm staying right next to the Brisbane Museum here.

Oh, there's a museum. There is a museum. Yeah, right. I haven't been in yet, but it seems to be quite a large building. What could possibly be in it? They've got some nice bridges. Maybe they put some bridges, like some old models of bridges, maybe. I think the bulldozers, the Joe, that's the Joe Biocabotis and used to destroy many of the heritage things late at night.

Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of history. Yes, of course there is. Charles, let's talk more about this earthly paradise and indeed catch up on the week in Parliament as well because it's been a big week in Parliament. We'll do it all after this. So Charles, have you heard about the Brisbane Metro?

This is very exciting. It's very exciting. The Metro's happening. Oh, right. Sydney's building a Metro. Yes. Melbourne's building a Metro. Yes.

Brisbane's Metro is seriously underway. I'm so glad that they're finally committed to rail Because that's always been my complaint about Brisbane is, you know, lovely city, but just no rail, you know. Oh, Charles, Charles, did you think that the metro was a rail network? Well, it's not a monorail. What is it? No, Charles, Charles, rail is so par se.

What is it? Is it hover? The Brisbane Metro. The Brisbane Metro. Yeah, it's obviously. It's buses. What? It's buses.

But they already have buses. What do you mean? And I went down there. I know. They're rebranding them as the metro. They're adding more buses. And I went down yesterday to catch the buses on the busway. Yeah.

And they photograph the buses. And the front of these new buses looks quite like a train. Like it's got that sort of angled design. They look very sleek. And then you have to look very closely to see that it's just got bus wheels. Oh my God. They've done it. Yeah, because remember, I don't know whether you remember, back in Sydney about like maybe five or six years ago,

the Libs tried to stop doing the trams in Parramatta. And their solution was going to be to do buses that had the wheels hidden. Remember that? Remember that? Yes. They did a whole thing and everyone just mocked them and they went away. Brisbane obviously, whoever was trying to sell that package then just moved to Brisbane and suddenly then going, oh, that sounds like a great idea.

That's right. But what they've done, Charles, the genius of Brisbane is that when you think of a bus, what's the key advantage, right? Well, you can go anywhere. You can go anywhere. It's great. Yeah. Sydney had tram, once upon a time. like Melbourne and we got rid of them all for buses

because you can share the road between buses and other forms of transport it's a very easy way of building a transport network Yes not in Brisbane Why not? No way what they do in Brisbane Because they love building freeways in Brisbane They love demolishing things

It's this plastime up here So they've got the busway And the busway is a massive underground bus lane It seems like most of the CBD actually is just underground bus lanes And so the buses zoom along the bus lanes and there's no cars allowed and why has no other city thought of this that rather than having a rail line

that actually has some sort of electric based system and no emissions and so on have a whole fleet of buses on underground roads In fairness, probably the buses are electric wouldn't they be? They'd be electric Oh maybe some. I think the new metro ones are going to be electric. Maybe that's the height of modernity here

is it's not a train but it is an electric bus But isn't the whole advantage of rail that a like because it's on tracks like it's safer but also there's a whole lot less maintenance involved isn't there like it you have to replace wheels and tyres all the time if you're driving buses but you don't on trains and stuff

you do and that's that's you know those metro system I think Paris Metro has a few lines where they actually run on rubber wheels and that's the problem with them but Charles the genius of Brisbane system and this is what I've realised is that the bus come every few minutes now if they'd build a train line The trains would have taken far more people, hundreds and hundreds of people.

But instead of doing that boring way of doing things, it's much better to have a bus every three minutes. A constant. Because that employs far more people. Yes. Well, that is true. It's very good. You know, I've got an idea for how they could improve their metro even further. How's that?

Which is that they take the wheels of their buses and replace them with sort of metal and then put down tracks. Because they know where they're going to go. They've got the road. Yes. It's just a busway. put some tracks on the busway. You see what on that? And you'd have these sort of

track-based buses for the metro. That's a very clever idea. And the thing was, you wouldn't need to build heavy rail, Charles. You couldn't, you wouldn't need to do it? No. It could be some sort of lighter version of rail, couldn't it? Yes, that's right.

Yes. Nah. Not in Brisbane, mate. And here it happened. Not a chance. Actually, I've got a theory about Brisbane that I'd like you to sort of just, I'd like to run by you, seeing as you there.

I can test it out. Yeah, I'm here for a while. My theory is that, Brisbane people are generally happier than anyone else in Australia. Like, it's the happiest city in Australia by far. I think that's probably true. Yeah. And a lot of people say it's the weather.

A lot of people say, oh, it's, you know, the clean living. A lot of people say it's the metro. Yes, huge. The bus drivers, particularly. But I've got a theory that, and this is just based on the people I know, is that if you end up in Brisbane, it's probably because at some level you've given up on life, right? Yeah. And what it is, is that that's the art to life, is sort of, don't, lower your expectations, just move to Brisbane.

And you actually end up much happier than people who actually want something out of their life or, you know, want to have real meaning or make a difference or anything like that. Well, it's too hot for angst up here. It's very hot. It's like Singapore at the moment up here. It's very tropical. There's beautiful parks everywhere. It's a very green city. I think Joe put a stop to that for a while.

They've actually allowed nature to come back in in a few places. It's actually lovely. I was at the Botanic Gardens the other night. It was stunning. I was over at South Bank. And the thing is also they build things to be outdoors. Like, they don't put walls on the side of buildings because it's never that cold. You can always do your alfresco dining.

So you never indoors, Charles. And that's the thing. Being indoors is what makes you miserable. It's being stuck in your room. Yes. Where you think everyone hates you, like, you know, it's the case for me throughout much of my teens and 20s and 30s. and I'm still not sure. But the walls, they closed in on me.

Of course, it does mean that you don't have any walls to hide behind when you're applying all the fungal rash cream that you need to survive. In Brisbane. Yeah, look, it is a different climate. But the other thing is, I'm not a local. Right. Because if I was a local, and you can never be. See, you can't move here.

If you move here, like you say, it's a form of self-exile, really. Yeah, exactly. To actually belong to this place, you have to be capable of doing this. Are you ready? What? Queensland! That's what you have to do. That's what they do.

They just walk along the street going, Queensland are! Like that. Yeah, they do. Wow. They love that. Have you not noticed that? It's a local custom.

It's charming. Oh, I thought it was the local Magpies or something. No. That's actually people. It's people. Because when you're a Queenslander, that's all you care about. You're not so bothered about being Australian. No.

And you certainly don't say you from Brisbane, because every other Queenslander hate you if you're from Brisbane. Yeah. It's the big smoke. And so what are their local customs like? Like, do they talk about the state of origin? What are their achievements? In January?

Oh, you, of course they do. I mean, I remember the first time I came to Queensland with Chaz, actually, when we were in school. Every conversation I had was about the Broncos. Yes, yes. And this was, again, this was in January. So it was nowhere near the rugby league season. It was the only thing being discussed. Yeah.

Well, I'm sure if I went out there and tried to talk to an ordinary Queenslander, I'd have to talk about Wally Lewis. I think that. Or maybe Alfie Langer. I'm trying to fit in. I'm not fitting in at all. I'll have to come back where I can loathe myself in peace in Sydney. Charles, let's catch up on the week in Parliament though, because it was

a big one. Yes. Now, not the Queensland Parliament. Nothing happens here. But the Federal Parliament will get to it after this. The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens. Yeah, so it's been a funny one. Like in terms of a point score, you

You'd have to say that... Well, I hate to say this, but I just think maybe the Labor Party just completely won the week. Like, how did that happen? Wasn't that a series of craigs? What do you mean? You can't use the phrase win the week. It's kind of awkward.

Oh, yeah, okay. Isn't it? Like, there's no other way to describe... I can't... I don't understand how they just sort of ran rings around everything that happened this week. So, we had the tax changes, which of course, you know... We did a whole episode on... We did a whole episode on and, yeah, it's just somehow the Liberal Party found themselves wedged between themselves and themselves.

But, no, the one that I just was fascinated by. So the other thing is the Libs have been opposing Tony Burke's bill, which is the close the loopholes legislation, which is a whole lot of IR reforms to close the loopholes on buses, right? And the Libs have found themselves in this awkward position. of opposing closing the loopholes, right? It's very awkward. Like you hear them on the radio and they go, oh, well, we don't want to close these loopholes. And you go, and then the interviewer will go,

but hang on, aren't these genuine loopholes? And it's like, well, it's about flexibility and stuff of that. And you just think they're just sort of, they're not getting with the grip. But the one that I really loved this week, and this isn't to do with politics, it's more just to do with. The essential essence, I think it summarizes

where Australian capitalism has got to, right, which is the government on Tuesday announced that it was going to have global emission standards for cars, right, carbon emission standards for cars, which is great. We're the last country in the OECD, except for Russia to do it, right? Like every other car. Are you sure it's not premature, Charles, if Russia's not on board? It's right. It's been seen as an obvious change that's been needed to happen for years.

Like any expert on any side of politics will tell you the reason why Australia has shittier cars than the rest of the world is because they have to prioritize all the other places with their new tech better emission standards cars because there's actually laws requiring them to send them there first, right? Oh, we wouldn't want to do that, Charles. We wouldn't want to be pushy. We'll just take the shittiest, dirtiest cars you've got. That was the last decade has been that, right? And so great, great law, it just means that, you know, our cars will be higher tech, right? Like, it's literally the only consequence of this thing. But then all these little tiny association, business associations tried to start sort of talking about this.

So you had the motorist association going, well, we don't know, like, will they take away your ute and stuff like that? Trying to roll out these things and say, it's got nothing to do with that. Like, America has these standards. They have terrible utes. They have horrible. It doesn't change. They've got the cyber truck, which we can't even get. If you want a terrible youth, we can't get the world's most terrible year.

This does not trample on your freedom to do anything except have better cars. The only thing that these standards are not allowing us to do is have all the best cars. Anyway, that didn't really work. But the best one was the Australian Convenient Stores Association came out. And they said, look, the Australian Convenient Stores Association. There's an association of convenience stores. Yes. Seriously.

Yes. Honestly. Like, you're telling me 7-11 and Easy Mart get together. Yes. Is there any other sort? There's only two brands. City convenience store. There you go.

Three brands. City. Easy Marte's very big in Brisbane. Not many 7-Eleven's up. They haven't quite made it up here. Night owl. Hey? There's other ones. Like, what's that one?

There's not many. But that's, I like, I like, I like, I hope they have their meetings, like, at really inconvenient times in very brightly. No, what's good about it is, um, actually, if you buy two memberships to that association, you get it for half price, they get two for the price of one on a lot of those memberships. No, no, but they came out and they said, look, this, this bill is a disaster. We need $500,000 per convenience store so we can install e-charges in all our convenience stores, right?

for so that vehicles will be able to charge it right and they're going you know like without that we have no incentive to install these charges that bring people to our stores right where where you have to sit i mean i know no one's used electric cars but the whole thing about them is they don't charge in in 30 seconds like you know two minutes like a petrol no no no you got to sit there for half an hour buying shit from the convenience school most convenience stores are attached to service stations right like that's that's yeah yeah right so that's what they're saying is every time there's the service station, we need the government to give us money to install our product. What's sort of gall that somebody here?

It's like, I don't know, like, I don't know, Coles. Actually, Coles does do this. They go to the government and say, you know, we want the government to pay for all our goods or something like that. But it's like, I'll tell you what it's like, it's like Fox Till, going to the government and saying, you have to pay for the sport that we're going to put on our private sports. Oh, wait a minute, they do do that. Charles, they do that already.

Okay. No, it's, I'll give you a better example. It's like the mining industry saying that they need subsidies to dig the stuff that they sell out of the ground. Oh no, wait a minute. They do do that. No. There must be a really good example. Just stop it.

Stop it. Before long, you're going to get to the producer offset, which is the only thing that makes it viable to make television and movies in this gun. Do you never want to make a TV show again? Oh, yeah. No, that's true. My next show, the producer is huge. There's no government. No business can stand on its own.

Not in Australia. Maybe drug dealing. It's an Australian. Oh, maybe the drug dealers association should come out and demand some more subsidies. Oh, now there's a place you need a charger. When you've got that late night meeting with the dealer, you know, the two cars next to each other, passing the cash to one to the other. That's a perfect time to charge the car, just sitting there.

You'll look innocent. Now, Dom, I'd love to keep talking, but I've got to go. I've got people to meet and also governments to meet with. I've got a few demands that I've just come up with. Well, I'm going to go out to the streets of Brisbane and try and get a subsidy. I mean, it shouldn't be hard. It's Queensland, should it? Queenslander! Hey, Queenslander!

Oh, I've got a brown pack bag here, Charles. I think that's all you need in these parts to get something up. Our news from Roe will be a part of the Iconaclass Network. Catch you tomorrow. See ya.