The Chaser Report - Dylan Behan on the best worst moments of 2021

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

Dylan Behan (News Fighters) joins Gabbi and Dom to take a look at the hot mess that was 2021. Dylan brings his twenty-one favourite news and media soundbites to sum up the last 12 months, and the team take a look back at what 2021 meant to them. Featuring journalist voice impressions, sexy monks, and green chutes, sit back and remember the year we all just scraped by. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, welcome to another afternoon edition of The Chaser Report. Dom Knight and Gabby Bollett here. Hello, hello. Good afternoon, Gabby. Oh, good afternoon, Dom. Such pleasantries. Such pleasantries.

And it's going to be a very pleasant show this afternoon because we're looking back on the clips of 2021 with Dylan Bayne of the Newsfighters podcast. This worked with us for years on many Chaser TV shows has assembled 21 clips that tell the story of 2021. at 21 Clips. Brilliant. Happy birthday. And I was all jolly and cheerful. And then I thought I remember that 2021 was appalling. It was an absolute binfire over year.

We'll find out. Yeah, I can't tell whether I'm going to be extremely happy that we got through it or extremely depressed of what happened. But I can't wait to find out. Dylan joined us right after this. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. Hello, Dylan.

Gidey guys. Hey, Dom. Hey, Gabby. Hello. 21 clips. What a year. This is your podcast. It's the most Labor of Love podcast, possibly along with Sizzletown.

You just curate and assemble the most ridiculous clips in all of the news. A full hearty pipe dream. But yes, I learned from the best. I learned all my wacky clips editing skills working with the chaser for over 10 years. And now I put them into my weekly news comedy podcast, news fighters, and love to come on here every now and then and share the, I'm like Santa with my bag of wacky clips here to just. sprinkle them out

at the end of the year. When we have you on, Dylan, we make an exception from our general rule of minimal research. It's really lovely to have you. Oh, look, I'm not saying there's much research in these. They're just funny clips.

Yeah, I'm just looking down at the topics that you think you've called these clips which I'm going to play. And I'm not sure how much, you know, joy we're going to find looking back over the year. It's been an absolute piece of shit, hasn't it, Dylan? Look, I don't know.

I don't know what your personal highlight was, whether it was the post-drought mouse plague or the post-flood spider plague, or maybe it was just when we sent Tony Abbott to Taiwan, I think in the hope that China would bomb Taiwan that weekend. I think that's... What about you guys? What were your highlights of the year?

Oh, thinking we were free and then not being so was pretty fun. Like, I remember going to brunch in April. And then being like, it's over. Yeah, feeling like, this is my year. And then staying inside for three-ish months. That was fun. Oh, yeah, for me, probably going to Hamilton and just like going out to D.

getting dressed up, going to theatre, it being like a full house, very exciting, thinking, this thing is over, it's fine, we got through it and it wasn't even that bad. I remember saying to my wife before it began, I can't believe we're done.

We weren't done. We were not done. We collectively jinxed it, didn't we? Pretty much. I remember, too, I live in the city of Sydney, local government area, and there was a brief period

when only we in a couple of other places, and Bondi and so on were actually under lockdown. It was going to be a week just in our LGA and my friend like a couple of streets away who were in inner west were like suck it and then 24 hours later they were under lockdown too for two weeks and then it was 21 there was a cafe in Newtown that was split in half on the border of the LGA so for that day half the cafe was you got to hope the kitchen was in the half that wasn't yeah exactly that's true wouldn't it be great to be able to look back on this from a position of not having

Omicron coming up. So the last week was good, wasn't it? We didn't think there was a new variant on the horizon? That was a highlight for me.

I was making plans left, right and bloody centre. And now I'm making plans just left. But it wasn't all about COVID, Dylan. No, no, but we'll get to COVID. Don't you worry. We'll get to COVID.

First up, I thought, let's start with something light and fun. Natural disasters. Yay! Now, do you remember, now there's a lot of floods happening at the moment,

but remember back in March, we had like, the biggest floods in Western Sydney, West New South Wales. Now, one of those kind of one in 100 year events until, you know, they happen again this summer. Yeah. But they provided what I think was probably my favorite live TV cross of the year on ABC News.

Have a listen. Emma residents are being ordered to evacuate their homes right now. Yes, as you can see, feel like wild weather here. I don't know why they gave her a microphone, to be honest. Yeah. Hear a thing she said. rain noises. No, that was just because they didn't put one of those mic socks on.

It's fine. They do wonders. Actually, that noise is happening here right now. But these microphones provided by road are doing an excellent job. I'm just thinking, would it be so bad if they were indoors? Like, let's say, in a hotel room, overlooking the storm in the backdrop, that every time there's, well, whether they have to put a, like, a raincoat on a reporter and just get them basically blown away by strong winds.

Dom, that doesn't win you the Walkley, though. like that's the main that's the goal here rather than save the citizens in the middle of a river just going under the surging waters I want a gold war my favourite insight on the floods

came from this woman that was interviewed on the street I mean it'd be great if it stopped drying would be the one thing Oh It would wouldn't it I love box pops I mean here in the middle of Leninia

Yeah that's perennial You gotta wonder Like I mean it must be horror Obviously horrible to live in an area with a natural disaster happening around you, but it must just be even worse with a fucking journalist walking to you on the street being like,

so how do you feel? Like, how the fuck do you think they fucking feel? Would you like the rain to continue or stop, madam? I don't want to influence your position. I'm trying to present non-biased journalism here. High quality journalism. We need a clip for balance of people who love the delusion, the floods.

I love whitewater raffles. Oh, look, it's good for the farmers. Yeah, I've talked to some farmers actually recently. It's not. No, I know. Who's going to tell anybody that rain sometimes is very bad for the farmers? Basically, there's a very brief window in this country between getting absolutely scorched in drought and deluged and flooded.

I don't know why anyone lives in this country. She's just abandoned it to nature. It clearly wants it back. It definitely impacts when you're making a summer holiday plans, especially when you can't go overseas at the moment. It's like, oh, let's do a driving holiday. Is it going to be a bushfire summer or a flood summer? La Nina.

I'm very tempted to just get a hotel room in the sort of burnt out empty husk of Sydney CBD and just sleep in it. Just somewhere quiet. I just want quiet and no COVID. That's all I want. Fuck nature. The CBD is definitely quiet, but I don't know about the no COVID thing. That's a good point.

And then, of course, the other big natural disaster of the year, which I think everyone's forgotten about already, was the Melbourne earthquake. Oh, yeah. Yes, which coincided with the protest, as though Melbourne itself was trying to shake them loose. And it delivered my absolute, this is probably my favourite grab of the entire year from Channel Line, summing up the Melbourne earthquake. Have a listen. So powerful, it shook the earth. It shook the earth.

I just want to know, at journalism school, and I never went. You mean university? At journalism school, do they teach you that voice on day one? I think they do, Dom. I just don't get what, it reminds me, have you guys heard that viral audio of that American news reporter who was saying, yesterday, 34 people were killed in a fire that killed 34 people. I just feel like they have to fill a word count. Just patting.

Yeah, it's very strange. I mean, even on News Breakfast, that clip that you played before, Dylan, it's people are talking in news voice. It's very strange. It somehow makes every disaster seem comical. I want a news voice, what's the word, audio book? Oh, yeah. Like, I want the option of hearing, like, I don't know, 50 shades of grey. but read by Tracy Grimshaw.

In that voice. Yeah. Or GPS. He removed her dress. Underneath her dress, 34 people dying. Oh my God. Yeah. Or a GPS like at the intersection, the turn right.

You'll never know what comes next. I love that. That'd be great while you're driving. Suspense. We're going to record the hole of tomorrow's morning. Oh, we should. Can we? I love it.

I might give it a go. Fuck yeah. Bless you of having to wade through. through all this awful, awful reporting, Dylan. Oh, it gets better. Well, I reckon let's move on to the other disaster of 2021, which was politics. Politics. Oh, yeah, it's talking of binfires.

And, of course, the biggest political comeback of the year had to be, I reckon, Barnaby Joyce, returning to the national leadership and becoming deputy PM. Yeah. And, of course, acting PM when Morrison is overseas. Here's my favourite Barnaby grab of the year from, I think, from question time. See if you can work out, have any idea what he's talking about. I like going to the movies, and I can't, I can't but, I can't but always remember Howard Hughes, how it hears the aviator. But, you know, how it hears the aviator, but the Labor Party got Albo the Advocator.

Yeah, the great, the great advocateer, the great ideas man, the great ideas man, straight from the pool room. Wow. Do you know what? That sounds like how, like, a group of dad sound after about. six beers at a 5pm happy hour and they think they're talking shop but then if somebody who wasn't drunk were to listen and it would sound exactly like that i mean that's the point um any big night out when the bounces just tapped you on the shoulder about 10 seconds yeah mate mate you've had enough yeah and then that's their reasoning for staying so i presume that in that clear he's

currently is the acting prime minister talking about climate change that's my that's my guess who can who knows who knows but but it made me think he might not have been telling the truth when he said I believe temperance, temperance is an incredibly important thing in everything we do. No, he's just trolling us there. Temperance is a racehorse. Do you know what? I actually think sometimes that Barnaby Joyce is perhaps one of the greatest trained actors in the history of this country.

Like I reckon that man went to Nider. Like Sasha Barron-Cohen character. Yes, yes. Like full method sketch. I feel like he went to Nida and his real name is like Charles. Birth? Oh my God, it's Charles. No, like his real name is.

something like, you know, Gregory. Or Horatio. And he thought, I need to relate to the poor people. I will learn to be a rural man. Actually, you know what, Dylan. I think there's, I don't know what the timing was of these clips, but if I just put them together like this, you've kind of got in the middle of it next day.

Here we go. I like going to the movies, and I can't, I can't, but, I can't always remember Howard Hughes. I believe temperance. Temperance is an incredibly important thing in everything we do. Those are two different men. You cannot convince me that is the same man. I mean, it's like Carl Stephanovic coming down for the Logies. Pre-Logies, post-Logies, that's for sure.

Temperance is very important. Actually, Charles, there have been episodes of the podcast this year where Charles basically was coming in and going, temperance is important. Don't drink people. Don't drink and talking to microphones. My favorite Charles quote from the year was, Hollywood is a fickle business, isn't it?

I've got that one saved. in the bank. Wow. But then, Dylan, I guess when you're trying to work out how Barnaby Joyce returned to the job. Yes. It's looking back on the man who he was replacing that makes it all make sense. So Michael McCormack was the National's Leader before Barnaby. Barnaby replace him.

No one remembers this. He had some of the best gaffs of the year. Like, it's a gaff contest between these two. In fact, Michael McCormack had so many gaffes. I edited them all together into this super cut. Have a listen. Enjoy. 55,000 people are employed in the coal industry

and $66 billion of exports that pays for a lot of hospitals, pays for a lot of schools, pays for a lot of barista machines that produces the coffee that inner city types sit around and drink and talk about the death of coal.

There is nothing worse than having mice running rampant around your house, around your farm, around your factory, and then we have, of course, Peter, the people for this. ethical treatment of animals coming out and I didn't hear the member for Melbourne disendorsing them saying that the mice, the poor little curious creatures should be rehomed. Well I actually agree with Peter. They should be rehomed into their inner

city apartment so that they can nibble away at their food and their feet at night and scratch their children at night. Well again I mean facts sometimes are contentious. You might look out there and so the sky is blue and I can see from here that it's great but if we We go out from under this rotunda, there are probably blue patches. I mean, there are a lot of subjective things. But they should know that those lives matter too. All lives matter.

And I tell you what, I would much sooner, much sooner live in Australia than anywhere else in the nation. It's not at all clear that Michael McCormack's life matters at all. I'm sorry. My favourite part was assuming I wouldn't want mice hanging around in my house. I've already got cockroaches. They can just hang out together. He's trying so hard to be this firebrand. just doesn't work at all.

Like, if you think of Barnaby Joyce's inflated balloon, which is what he looks like a lot of the time. Michael McCormack is when you just get the balloon and you just let the air out and just goes, oh, in that wheeze? Yeah, that's the wheeze. That's McCormack. Who is he catering to?

Like, oh, Nationals, voters hate coffee and mice, and they love white supremacy catchphrases. Yeah. Is that what he's doing? Well, I suppose the white supremac wouldn't like coffee, would they? I've met Michael McCormack and had him on radio, and he was, he was very nice. He was just a nice, ordinary suburban dad.

That's how they get you. Him going on about coffee machines and it just does. It's just not real. Like, it's like trying to be a fascist and not being good at it. Is that even sadder than just being good at being? I don't know. Commit and do it well. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, Jack of all trade is a master of nun, Michael. I don't think he's fathered a single child outside of wedlock McCormack. He's not trying. I feel like that's a prerequisite to, the nationals, though, isn't it? Pretty much. Yeah. The only way they get more voters.

None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. While we're on pollies, there were some great kind of slips of the tongue this year. Here's the new New South Wales Premier,

Dominic Perite. He gave us this gem only a few days into the job in October. He's just not opening for the time since the we've been closed during lockdown. Ah, what eloquence. Welcome to the job, other dom.

And then up in Queensland, their deputy premier, Stephen Miles, had this gem. Might have been intentional. Albo's here with us at Labor Day, while Scott Morrison's turning five thousand bucks ahead to have dinner with him. What a contrast. Don't we need?

Might have been intentional that one. Talking about Skromo. Stephen Miles was on the podcast this year. He has got a sense of humour, so he may well have intended that. I think, Somo might have been a bit accidental with his slip of the tongue here. Or he might not be a fan of his health minister.

On the 19th of February, Minister Cunt called the EU health minister. You haven't manipulated that in any way. Is that really what he said? Do you reckon that there's a jar in Parliament House and it's like how many times can you slip the word cunt into a sentence? Oh, totally. Surely you? I just find it so funny that it happens to be that word all the time.

Same thing with Skomo's bore out impression. I swear to God, someone was like, I'll give you a 50 bucks. to quote Borat on the Enhancerd and Scum, I was like, yes. I'll spend it at Bunnings. Well, I haven't written a speech, so I may as well throw it in. Of course, moving on to probably the biggest story of the year, which was the Delta COVID outbreak and the subsequent four-month lockdown. And remember when Delta hit and the lockdown started and it was all just like a fun novelty thing?

And all the media could talk about was like this. The greatest story of the year. Two men have been fined $1,000 each for breaching Sydney's COVID lockdown under very unusual circumstances. The pair were apparently found naked. Two men sunbaking nude on a beach on the south coast apparently caught after they were startled by a deer. Startled by a deer. They'd been startled by a feral deer.

That old one. They were caught buck naked. Buck naked. The men were chased into the Royal National Park and got lost. Each find a cheeky thousand dollars. Certainly a story that raises more questions than answers. I don't know. I don't understand this. How deer's are running wild over there and with naked blocks.

No idea. I hope the deer is okay. Sorry, I didn't catch that. Were they startled by a deer? I'm going to take back what I said earlier in the podcast, Dylan, about newsreader voice. I think it's inherently funny. Like, two guys were doing something or other, possibly sexual, and they were startled by a deer. But whereas two guys were doing something and were possibly startled by a deer, that's just fun.

I think they just also relished the opportunity to make, like, a pun. And I get that, because I do that on this podcast all the time. Like, if something gets startled by a deer, the entire news reminds you. him goes, crack out, you know, idea jokes. Every news journal turned into like an FM morning crew. Pun machine. Shock jokes. And no one was enjoying that more than Carl Stefanovic in those clips.

Oh, a bit of a cheeky story this morning. You can just hear him going, oh, finally it's worth getting up this early to talk about this deer. I fucking wish I, I reckon I'd fucking crush that job. It would. Being like a light news journalist. I wouldn't do any investigative stuff. but like talking about dears on beaches I'd love it Oh naked blokes and dears

That's good shit That's basically how good shit That's the real Walkley award winner You should be on the Today Show gave you'd be excellent Yeah no that was uh look I'd love to Say that we're here on the podcast Didn't also go to town in that story When you're doing topical comedy

That's really just a gift dropping in your lap that one Yeah Yes yes It was just I think to distract that the New South Wales police We're just trying to arrest everyone in south-west and Sydney They were like I get the commissioner to talk about the deer today Maybe they sicked the deer on them. Actually, I'll tell you, that is a good clip.

We played the clip of the police spokesperson, the Deputy Commissioner at War Boys, or whoever it was going to, and we're interrupted by police in the midst of questionable activity and the deer, it was just great. All the days of Chris Taylor and Andrew Hanson's police characters. Clive Pew, yes.

What I'm hearing is it goes, casual voice, newsreader voice, but at the top of that chain, police commissioner voice, am I correct? It's definitely true. It's the best. comedy voice of all. Yeah, good. I'll keep that in mind. And it wasn't just the police and the media trying to put a positive spin on the lockdown. Now, here in New South Wales, it was

107 days. Uh, started June 26th. And remember Gladys said this about a week in on July 3rd? The green shoots are there of demonstrating the lockdown is having the desired effect. The green shoots are there. The green shoots of the lockdown doing what we hoped it would is certainly there. We have seen the tide turn. We have seen those green shoots. Ah, seven days into our 107-day lockdown, roughly. Good job. Is she talking about shallots? I don't know.

The green shoots are there. She kept it up. Here she was again 12 days later. But what I do know is that the green shoots are starting to show. We've still got a way to go. But the fact that we haven't seen thousands and thousands of cases is a win for New South Wales. She does it again, five days later, 24 days into our 107 day lockdown. The green shoots are there.

And I'm convinced that in the next, um, few days, we will start seeing hopefully more improvements. How are those green shoots? If you didn't know what this story was about, I would assume it was somebody desperately trying to start a veggie garden and it's like, well listen, the shoots

are there, they're there and we've got to see how they progress over the next couple of days. And then of course, before the lockdown in and Gladys herself went down the shoot. The IAC shoot. She's hitting the different kind of green shoots now. Yeah, the Wagga Gun Club and the Wagga Music Conservatory have quite a lot of green

Jesus. Gladys this Korean, not so much. Well, she might be making a comeback in Warringa. You never know. But it wasn't just pollies in New South Wales who made hilariously bad calls misjudging the ferocity of Delta. Here's Dan Andrews in late July, just as Melbourne exited its fifth lockdown. We have seen off two Delta outbreaks. I don't think there's a jurisdiction in the world that has been able to achieve that. And every Victorian should be proud of that. and you know what happened about a week later. I just was thinking when you were going about how a lockdown lasted for 107 days,

people in other states are kind of going, that actually was quite long that city lockdown. And Victorians are going, soft, you're all soft, you don't know, what we've suffered. Bragging about being able to defeat COVID is, it's not a very sensible strategy in these days. And as Omicron arrives, let's just all keep that in mind before you make Dylan's compile next year. Yes, as soon as you brag about it, it'll take you over.

But of course, the real reason we had these lockdowns was, in my opinion, I think we just didn't have enough vaccines early on, but not according to Scott Morrison, who said this in July. But I can't stress enough that the major frustration here is the virus. That is the major thing working against Australia. The reason we've got a lockdown is because of a pandemic and a virus. It's not me. It's not me.

Not the vaccines. Damn virus. Fuck hindsight's a bitch, isn't it? Isn't it? I mean, he was right. Yeah. It was the virus infecting people. Yeah, but it's kind of like blaming a parking fine on the fact that a parking space exists.

It doesn't really equate to the actions needed to avoid the parking fine. Oh, scomo. He also was trying to avoid blame for himself, not ordering vaccines, but I loved. SBS News eventually just had enough of his shit and edited him this way. I thought it was quite funny. The Prime Minister was pressed about what efforts he went to to, to get more vaccines. Oh, every effort that we could.

When asked what efforts were taken... No, I've answered the question. No, I've answered the question. Every effort, all the above. There's green shoots of vaccine coming out. Typical scromo. I did everything I could. Question answered, next question.

But of course, Morrison wasn't good at ordering vaccines. He couldn't even name them all. Do we have enough of the Pfizer to go around? Well, it's not just Pfizer. There's the AstraZeneca vaccine. There's the Pfizer vaccine. vaccine. You just said that.

What do you mean? There's a man who has never read a briefing paper about a vaccine, let alone ordered one, I fear, Dylan. And he's just not a master communicator, scumo. Here he is trying to tell us about the importance and usefulness of lockdowns in August. But for a lockdown to work, the lockdown has to work. Genius.

Yeah, we were talking about Scotty from marketing, as though he's some sort of a, it is that his main skill is spinning things, but it doesn't mean he's good at it. No. I've said this before on this podcast, but Scott Morrison approaches being a prime minister the same way I approached a speech assignment in Year 11 English. Like, I would just go, I guess I'll make it up on the spot. Just wing it badly. Yeah. That seems to be the trick. Have a couple of quote reference points and then fucking hope for the best. That's...

Just make it appear like you did some work. Yeah. If you write a script of somebody else's down, it still looks like I wrote a whole page, you know? Yeah, that was me at uni. If it looks like you were, tempted the group assignment, you'll probably get a pass. Yeah. And P's get degrees, but they shouldn't get prime ministership, that's for sure. I don't think he's getting a pass mark at this stage.

I don't necessarily, but I will find out next year. And then, so, of course, with the lockdowns came the anti-lockdown protests. And here's probably my favorite protester I saw on TV this year. Get out of your houses. Kiss your nana on the lips. I don't want to see this guy's Tinder. I bet it's set for ages. That's one freedom we don't want to fight for.

He's one of those guys that kisses his dog, isn't he? You can just tell. You always can tell. I mean, that said, given the massive spread of COVID amongst the protesters in Melbourne, they probably were all pashing. So then after the months of lockdowns, of course, there was Freedom Day. And here in New South Wales and Victoria meant only one thing, of course, and that was going back to the pub.

This is probably the best day in my life. I want to be honest, but... The best day you're going to lie. It's good to be back. Is it good to be back? It's so good. It's so good. I don't think the alcohols ever taste in so good today. It feels very good. Yeah, very boring sitting at home drinking all the time. And like, I have no idea, but I'm excited to be here. But whoa!

I was so excited to be on the news. It was great. I don't remember saying any of that, but it was awesome. What does it say about Australians that their best day of their life is going back to the pub after three, four months? And I love that bloke. It was like, oh, yeah, I was just drinking at home. And now I'm drinking like next to other people. still drinking. Yeah, now it's less pathetic, because I'm doing it in a place where I'm supposed to get drunk. Formerly drinking at home, the man went to the pub and drank with other Australians. We are estranged people, aren't we? The first thing you want to do is a thing you can do at home with the exact same liquid, or with other people during a pandemic. Wrapping up, we had a year of natural disasters, COVID outbreaks, bad lockdowns,

vaccine shortages, but I think Channel 9's a current affair uncovered what I think was the most important story of 2021. Do you remember this? Trouble in the temple. The monk caught shopping at Sexyland. It's a bad bad mum. A current affair tonight. Do I remember it? Telling your kids.

Dad, where were you when the sexy monk shopped at Sexyland? Do you know what's actually very funny? I can tell you exactly where I was when the sexy monk shopped at Sexy Land. I was in this office with fellow intern Alexa because every Friday we watch all of the code of fair stories. It is the best entertainment. It's better than a soap opera. It's the best.

Do you remember the Wheely Bin War? That's my favorite one. Retirement Village Wheely Bin War. Somebody didn't put their bins out. It was a whole thing. I just think that if after the year that we've had any members of religious orders want to just go to sexy land and relax, go for it. It's a free, we've had freedom day.

We're a free country. That it means monks can go to sexy land. Yeah. More religious leaders at. Sexyland. Maybe not Catholics, but apart from that, more religious leaders at Sexieland. Just try not to leave any aerosols on the premises, sir. Baudily fluids. And that's the year 2021. Thanks for having me, guys. Well done, Dylan. That was an extraordinary effort of compilation. Subscribe to the

New Year's Fighters podcast to get this in your feed every single week. What do you think 2022 is going to hold, Dylan? Well, war with China if Peter Dutton has his way, I think. I'll go start training now. Thanks, mate. Thanks again. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often.

Well, Gabby, that was extraordinary. Yeah. I can't believe we survived. I see green shoots of an end to this episode coming up ahead. Our gears from my microphone are part of the ACAST Creator Network. Catch you in the morning.