The Chaser Report - Dystopian Hellscape

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

The Delta strain continues its scary march through our capital cities, tensions roil in the nation's weirdest mainstream party, and Facebook unleashes its most chilling new technology yet – so all in all, a feelgood episode. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, I welcome to The Chaser Report for Monday, the 21st of June. And Charles, I just got back from Byron. I tell you what, it is beautiful up there. Oh, really? Yeah, it's fantastic. We rented a service department, and it was between, on one side, there was a happy herb shop. And on the other side, this is absolutely true.

There was a shop that sold drums and didgerie-doos. So you've got the quintessential Byron experience? I'm not entirely sure why I got on a plane yesterday that went from COVID-free Byron Bay back to Sydney in the middle of an outbreak. It was a strange flight though, Charles, because in Byron that he thinks just a little bit differently. Yes, they do, don't they?

They're all sort of a little bit... Alternative. Yeah, they've got all the hippie stuff going on. Yeah, yeah. Recently, they had a massive campaign against having a 5G tower in Byron, like in the town. So my phone the whole time was on 3G. Oh, really?

Several generations behind. Well, but at least you don't have COVID. No, I don't have COVID, but I was the only vaccinated person in the entire Byron Shire. No, but that's all right, because Pete Evans has a shop up there. Well, yes, that's true. They come up with a brand new way to wear masks. It's such a fashionable place. I think we're going to be doing it.

Oh, really? Okay. Is it like a silk thing? Not quite. I mean, they had hemp masks for sale. That's one thing. Were they smoking their masks? Yeah, pretty much.

But honestly, on the plane up and back, looked at the other seats around me. Even some of the airline staff, you wear your mask with the nose exposed. No. Yeah, just over your mouth. No. It's a mouth mask.

No, that doesn't work. But it looks so cool. Oh, Dom. And what's the thinking there? They're just idiots. I think the thinking there is, let's get COVID. Coming up on the show, I'm going to go through the list of outbreak sites in Sydney and Brisbane,

which is now about a mile long. And we're going to take a quick tour through the dystopian hellscape of all the latest technology news. Plus, we've also got a segment called Barnaby's sausage. Not you too. We're talking about Barnaby Joyce's sausage. Don't tell me you're pregnant to Barnaby Joyce as well. Oh, I've got some news.

A bit of personal news time. God, but first let's go to Rebecca Day, Inamuno in the Chaser Newsroom. As the COVID cluster in Sydney's eastern suburbs continues to worsen, Sky News commentator Peter Credlin has called for dictator Daniel Andrews to resign immediately over the outbreak. When it was pointed out that Daniel Andrews is currently on sick leave, Ms Credlin called for Andrews to come back to work so that he could immediately resign in disgrace. Monash University has announced it will begin testing MRNA vaccines within months

after the Victorian government committed $50 million to making the vaccine locally. The trials will allow high-tech vaccines such as the Pfizer jab to be manufactured here in Australia rather than imported from Europe. But the federal government has questioned the need for the new technology saying that coal-based vaccines were perfectly good enough for Australia's needs. The man who threatened to murder Johnny Depp's dogs got sacked from Parliament over secret citizenship and then impregnated astaffer has expressed

concerned to colleagues that Michael McCormack isn't doing a perfect job as Nationals leader. Over the weekend, Mr McCormack said he would stand firm against any challenge and will be looking to solidify his hold on the National Party leadership by having an extramarital affair with one of his staffers. That's the latest Chaser News you can't rely on. I'm really, honestly, Rebecca de Unumuno. The Chaser Report is brought you by scheme. A great way to meet people who are really into.

negative gearing scheme. So Sydney's COVID outbreak is getting worse and worse, and the list of sites that are now contact sites is getting longer and longer. It is literally now about a mile long. Yeah, I keep looking at it, and it just gets longer and longer. I don't bother scrolling all the way to the end, because, you know, it's a lot to read. If Zampatti's. Yeah, there are actually some sites in Zetland.

It's like the last time I'm over alphabetically. But I do think that it would be easier now at this day. for Sydney to just list the sites that aren't infected with COVID. I think that would be a much shorter list. Yeah, absolutely. But one of the things that is notable about this list, Dom, there's several gyms. There are up there.

And it's like last time, like when the Northern Beaches had an outbreak, when Melbourne had its fourth outbreak with the lockdown, they all had super spreader events through the gyms. Well, you're going there and you're huffing and you're puffing and you're puffing and you're panting and just the aerosols are going everywhere. Yeah, so I think that, you know, even though the risk is very small, partly because I'm now fully vaccinated,

but I am making a commitment that until the pandemic is over, I am not going to go to a gym ever again. Charles, you are the people's champion. Any risk. You're keeping us safe. No matter how small is too big in this pandemic. I'm doing this, not for myself, not because I don't want to go to the gym.

I mean, you pump iron daily normally. I'm doing it for my fellow citizens. I'm doing it for you listening at home right now. Oh. You know, if it was my choice, I would definitely go. I would be there. One of the gyms on the list is fitness first, and that's your rule, isn't it?

Yeah, that's your perennial rule. But I am too civic-minded to go to the gym until this pandemic is over. And on the other hand, I'd just also like to note that there's a lot of pubs on that list. There are. That are potential sites for contact.

Oh, so you're going to swear off them too. So, no, I just don't think that we should have any need for hysteria in this pandemic. I think we need to take a moderate approach. There's no need to panic. You know, just because one of my favourite pubs is on that list doesn't mean I shouldn't go. We have to support local business.

Okay, so, hey, on. I'm detecting just a terribly small double standard here, Charles. So you're saying no to the gyms ever. They're too dangerous. But you're saying if we stop going to pubs, then the virus wins. Yes, exactly. If you start panicking and jumping at shadows, then the virus itself is one, dog. What about supermarkets? There's a lot of supermarkets on the list. Well, I think that's one of those, you know, in the middle questions where I personally am not going to go to supermarkets but if my wife has to go to the supermarkets to get our food then that is a sacrifice I'm willing for her to take very impressive Charles you know if we all thought like you

yeah things would be exactly the fucking same this episode is brought to you by skiing what everyone does at the snow to kill time before they get maggotted on small batch artisanal gym Scheme. Charles, a very exciting moment in the history of this podcast. Oh, yeah. The first leadership challenge. It's all set to take place today. It is on.

Wow. It's on. Is Anthony Albanyi being knocked off? Not yet. Put it in your calendar, though. So, wait a minute. So Scott Morrison is going, is he? No, no.

No. Not the Prime Minister, at least recently. Michael McCormack. After several years of him running the National Party, his colleagues have just started to notice that he's just a tiny bit underwhelming. Did they,

is the problem that because he was acting Prime Minister, they went, who the hell is this guy? Yeah, I think none of them had met him before.

He just wanted into the caucus one day and thought, oh, like he hasn't just recently impregnated a staffer. I find this hard

to believe, Charles, but the rumour has it that they're going to go back to Barnaby Joyce who, sure, he's very, very strange, sure he seems almost

entirely incompetent, but people will know who he is. Yeah. Can we just get a little bit serious for a second? Because I do want

to actually talk about the real reason why Michael McCormack. Like, these are the non-comedy reason. Have you got some actual costs? Yeah, which is. Hang on, wait, wait. We've got like a sting for like actual analysis? Yeah.

Caution, actual analysis. Thanks, Tom. The problem is that Michael McCormack doesn't have what it takes to stand up against the federal government wanting to set targets on climate change. That's what this whole thing is about, right? Scott Morrison's just got back from the UK. and he's saying maybe we needed a 2050 target for the climate change. Oh, well, Boris got in his ear.

Yes, that's what it was. As erratic as Boris is, and as fond as impregnating people who work for him, as Boris is, like Barnaby, he's actually quite left when it comes to climate stuff. And so Michael McCormack has apparently gone, well, it's 29 years away. Maybe we can have a target for 2050.

Because we'll all be dead by the time it comes around. And Barnaby Joyce has gone, no, that is one step too far. Like if you set a goal for 20, 50, we might do something. Then we might do something. We're at risk. I should have known, Charles. The only reason the coalition ever dumps a leader is climate change.

It's the last three or four spills. That's what's been. Yes, and there's nothing, Barnaby Joyce doesn't like more than being a pariah. You know, he wants Australia to be an international pariah. And I've heard he's a bit of a pariah in bed, too. But is he the only option? I can understand getting rid of Michael McCormack, right? It was pretty clearly a good option from the first hour when he became leader.

basically. No, there is actually, there's a third candle. There's a third wheel. There's a dark horse. Is it Barnaby Joyce's wife? Is it Barnaby Joyce's ex-wife? Well, which one?

No, no, but I think you remember in the last Libs spill. Oh, he came through. He was a dark horse. There was a dark horse. And that was Morrison. It's going to be David Little Proud. Little Proud. All right.

So you're telling me, Charles Firt, you're telling me right now. Yes. You're making a prediction right now. Yes. That they're going to find a way not to elect a man who released this on Twitter as his Christmas present to the nation. Look, I just don't want the government anymore in my life. I'm sick of the government being in my life. I mean, it's a strong play, isn't it? And I mean, given that Barnaby Joyce has

previously been the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia, clearly it's the only possible explanation is divide and dimension. Yeah, and the other thing is I think we've got to acknowledge is, you know, there's a higher authority that's beyond our comprehension. And right up there in the sky. Yeah, that's right. God's shining. down on him. But I love how he's running on the platform of we're all going to get nailed. Unless we understand that that's got to be respected, then we're just fools. We're going to get nailed. Well, Barnaby was quite nailed when he recorded that little rant there.

Oh, sorry. Is that an insider tip? Is that David Little Proud? Yeah, this is... You know, Charles, listen to that audio. I can understand why his colleagues are thinking of a third option. Four syllables. Two words.

David Little Proud. With a name like that, I can too why his colleagues would be Little Proud. David Little Proud. Remember that name and then forget it when Barnaby Joyce challenges him in a few weeks. We're just fools. We're going to get nailed.

At last, Barnaby's sausage. It's the sausage so tempting, one bite, and you'll be required to seek employment in a different ministerial office. Barnaby's sausage is an old pork affair with a glowing beetroot red out of skin, air-dried and aged, well beyond perfection. It's the sausage that will go with anything,

as long as there's a bit of sauce on the side. Buy a Barnaby, and we'll throw in a bottle of Murray-Darling water for just $80 million. Bargan! Barnaby's sausage. Have one fresh out of the oven, and you might end up with one in the oven. I'm sorry, what?

Throw one on a Barbie today, but only if Barbie is a ministerial staffer. My name's Cass. See ya. The Chase Report is brought to you by Scheme. It's the expensive white powder that's legal. Now it's time for a new segment that I like to call... Dystopian Hellscape. Charles, we're recovering from a recession caused by a pandemic.

How much more of a Hellscape do you want? want. Well, look, there's a lot of companies in Silicon Valley striving to be a lot more dystopian than anything we've got at the moment, including this organization, which I didn't even know existed until about a day ago. Facebook Reality Labs is a pillar of Facebook. Facebook Reality Labs. Now, Dom, what do you think they do? Train Mark Zuckerberg in how to appear to live in the real world? That's not a bad guess. And I do think that, as you'll see, from their advanced research that they do,

that it clearly has a bit of the Zuckerbergs about it. No, what it's doing is it's working out new forms of computing and new ways that we can interact with computers. What do you reckon? Bearing in mind, this is a Mark Zuckerberg thing, the new area of controlling computers. How is that going to be done? I'm imagining that it's one of these augmented reality things, right?

So you're wearing glasses, contact lenses, whatever. And because it's Facebook, you'll be trying to go about your date doing whatever you want. And some fuck with that you knew at school will just post a photo with their baby. And it'll completely cover your entire retina and then someone's going to post a taco that they ate. And it will completely distract you with your name shit

from whatever you're doing. That is a very specific guest, Dom. But I'm just looking for, you know, the broader thing of how are we going to control this? computers. I see. Well, of course they'll hack into our thoughts, won't they? That's the one thing that Facebook doesn't have access to.

That is very close, Dom. I'm going to almost give it to you. The answer is... The wrist is a great starting point for us technologically, because it opens up new and dynamic forms of control. The wrist. Yes, it's a Mark Zuckerberg thing. Okay, so they thought...

You've been interested in wrist-based computing. Yeah, what's the part of my body that I use most often? that really speaks about me. He's a wanker. Yeah, okay. So how is using your wrist going to help you understand computers? I'm trying to, what would Mark Zuckerberg want to put on my wrist? Look, I still stand by its Facebook.

There's got to involve some sort of incredibly creepy surveillance. Yeah, well, no, yes, exactly. You are completely correct in that. It's actually, well, I'll let the woman explain it, But basically it's going to tap into your thoughts through your wrist. So if you send a control to your muscle saying, I want to move my finger, it starts in your brain, it goes down your spine through motor neurons, and this is an electrical signal.

So you should be able to grab that electrical signal on the muscle and say, oh, okay, the user wants to move their finger. So it's tapping your brain, and they're using the wrist to re-pulsively. is coming out of your brain. I mean, call me old-fashioned, Charles. But is it a bit much? Like, is our privacy so minimal that Facebook needs access to our fucking nervous system? Like, they've got microphones and all of our devices.

They know everything that we do. They know everywhere we go. Do they need to access our fucking neurons as well? Well, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, yes. No, Mark, you can't have it. You can't have my fucking spinal column, mate. Dom, it's happening. It's inevitable.

You can't get away from this. But look, I admit it is a little bit invasive, as you say. But, you know, you've got to think of the upside. Imagine how amazing the upside must be for this to be the project. Like, what do you imagine the upside of tapping into your brain could be? Well, selling ads of your Facebook, they'll sell. Every time I move my wrist, it'll monitor what I'm... No, you're barking up there.

You're being too cynical, dog. Oh, I see. You're being too cynical. I think you're going to be. impressed by the sort of use cases that they've come up with. What is it like to feel like pushing a button without actually pushing it? That could be as simple as, hey, I just want to move this cursor up or move it left. Well, normally I would do that by actually moving. But here, you're able to move that cursor left. And it's because you and a machine agreed which

neurons mean left and which neurons mean right. You're in this constant conversation with the machine. I mean, the music bed, Charles, there's a jaunty upbeat kind of piano. That's a wonderful breakthrough. It should be some sort of creepy, sci-fi horror movie. But they're solving the problem, Dom, of you being too lazy where you just think about moving your fingers rather than actually moving your fingers. You could be on to something here because I am, I've just remembered,

I'm incredibly lazy. And for me, sometimes moving a mouse is a bit of effort, or touchpad or something. No, I would just like to lie back in a bed of my own filth and control my computer mentally. I just want to hype it up a bit more. Okay, no, sell me on this, Charles. I'm not really sold. No, you're not. And I don't think you're understanding how revolutionary.

This isn't just about sitting in your bed in your own filth, not having to move your finger, right? This is also about practical things. This is the example that they give, and I think it's going to blow your mind. I think you're immediately going to want to just let Facebook tap into your brain. So, for example, if I'm cooking and I'm kind of pulling some noodles out of a box. The interface could ask me, would you like to start boiling the water? That's it. That's the one example that they give is that it will turn on the kettle for you.

Well. As long as you put some water in the kettle beforehand. I'm a fairly terrible cook. If it can actually cook for me, I might. actually be interested in this. No, no, no. It just saves you the finger press of the button on the kettle. That's the future.

It's a dystopian hellscape. You weren't wrong. Charles, I think my wrist and my electrical impulses are wanting to panic and flee at this point. Can Facebook help me with that from running away from the world that they're creating? No, sorry, it can't help you with that. Remember, you're in constant conversation with the computer now. for the rest of your life. Oh, Jesus.

This episode brought to you by skiing. The best way to injure yourself while strapped to two planks. Skiing. Charleston, for me guy, it's not to be serious for a minute. We know that COVID is on the loose again in Sydney and Brisbane will probably spread elsewhere. We know it's the Delta variant, which is as terrifying as Delta Goodrim herself. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, yeah. But don't worry. Yes. Because I know you worry about aged care. Yes, yes, definitely. But late last year, in November, in fact, government released its updated national COVID-19 age care plan brackets seventh edition. Now, this is the thing.

What? You're probably thinking, Charles, one through six, you know, they made a few mistakes along the way they updated and they learned from it. And they're adapting it. Yeah, by number seven, they've iterated enough for it to work. Yeah. The only problem is that experts have accused them of not having any prior editions of the age care plan.

Oh. So one through six didn't exactly exist. So they just called their first edition, the seventh edition. to make it look like. Yeah, the first standalone age care plan was the seventh edition. I'll tell you what, that is amazing, Don, because I'm going to the gym this afternoon for my seventh time this week. Yeah.

That's so impressive. Seventh time. But didn't you earlier in the podcast say that you were never, ever going to the gym again? Well, I haven't been to the gym at all this week, but, you know, I thought it'd just skip one through six. So it's actually your first visit? Well, no, look, Dom, you know, you can. talk semantics. You can talk semantics about... Is it a visit or is it just a plan?

This is a plan for the future and I'm sure we will have goals set by 2050 but not yet. No further comment will be made at this stage. Can I get another question please? Yeah. Are we all going to die? You can check out the latest news on chaser.com.com. You can get us on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram and of course Twitter. And you can leave us a five-star review. Just mention the seventh edition. We're really enjoying some of these reviews.

We'll read them out again on Friday once more. Thanks for joining us. Don't forget that our gear is from Road Microphones and we are part of the ACAST Creator Network. See ya.