The Chaser Report - Easy Peasy Albanese | Craig + Andrew

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Craig and Andrew are hosting the show today, so we apologise for a temporary increase in quality. Craig meticulously unpacks how to say Anthony Albanese's name, and pitches his new reform to the Australian electoral system. Meanwhile Andrew has found out Scott Morrison has a deadly new allergy, and also shares his favourite and fastest candidate's debate. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In an election that will determine the fate of the entire universe, there's only one podcast holding politicians accountable. Scott Morrison, Anthony Albanese, Who Will Boom? Find out on The Chaser Report, Election Edition. Hello there and welcome to the Chaser Report podcast. It's the election edition, I believe. And it's me. There's a bit of a different voice welcoming you today because the regular hosts, for some reason, didn't show up. Did a bit of a Morrison and went off to Pacific Island or something like that. I'm not sure what they're doing.

But you're here with me, Andrew Hanson, and my very good friend, Craig Roo Castle. How are you, Craig? Yes, this is the true democracy version. We asked the listeners who they wanted to host the podcast. They said, Craig and Andrew, so he got rid of Charles and Tom. Right, good choice. At least, at least the voters have some sense. Yeah, exactly.

Actually, based on what I've seen in the election so far, actually, that makes me feel like I'm the worst candidate. I feel bad now. If you're popular, the way the world currently is, you've got problems. I must be a fucking moron. You must be an absolute loser. Oh, my God. Well, things are heating up out there on the campaign trail, Craig. I've been listening to a bit of radio because they did a bit of research for us to sort of present this election

edition of the podcast. And I discovered that my one-year-old just ran into the room and fell down. Are you okay? You're right there? This is, oh my God, this is a beautiful allegory for the election. Hang on a second. Is your one-year-old meant to represent Anthony Albert-Easy in the first week? This is great.

What a brilliant sketch you've come out with. And you've got live performers in it. A little elbow. Off you go, Albo. That's it. He's recovered. He's recovered. Oh, no.

No, now he's got COVID. It's fine. He's really not having a good week, my one-year-old. They don't give the child COVID, Andrew. It's just, it's just, people can't see. You don't have to give him COVID. Stop doing that. These criticisms of my one-year-old are just cheap gotchas, Craig.

Ask your one-year-old if they know the unemployment right. They might. He's got a job to do, all right? He doesn't need to be equipped with every piece of information to please you, all right? Okay. Sorry, what are you saying? Speaking of Albo And my one year old

Albo went on the ABC And you know how We've had these leaders debates This week And they haven't been on the ABC There's been a bit of whinging from the ABC Lovies They've gone oh why isn't it on the ABC

Well apparently I agree with them Out there that Morrison refused To do it on the ABC But only do it on Sky and Channel 9 And Albo said this

To explain the situation The problem Prime Minister seems to have an allergy with the ABC. So you see, Craig, it all makes sense now. He's got a medical condition. Oh, I understood. Except, actually, it doesn't all make sense because Anthony doesn't always use the words he wants to in his head.

So he actually said that the Prime Minister has an allergy with the ABC. So we're both suffering from the same allergy? It's not an allergy against the ABC or to the ABC. It's an allergy with the ABC. What are you saying there? Don't expect Albao to get his words career. I think he means, I think he means Morrison is allergic to the ABC. And I've heard it's true, Craig.

I've heard that Morrison went and got one of those allergy tests where he got his arm pricked, you know, with dust mites and rye grass. And he was fine. But then they pricked him with a sample of Annabelle crab. And he swelled up like a balloon. It was really quite sad. Cruel of Alba, really, to mock somebody with this. Yeah, that's true.

For a medical condition, I do apologize. The surprising for Morrison, though, because he can consume curries with the most exotic ingredients, and he's not allergic to them. No. But, you know, given the ABC, my God. Oh, exactly. I also heard a rumor about him and being pricked or a prick or something like that, but I can't remember it.

Coming up on the show, we're going to be talking about how to pronounce Anthony Albo's name, and also looking at how to reform democracy using Channel 9's brilliant, brilliant polling system. And we'll also be looking at one of the lesser political debates, not between the main party leaders, but between some leaders of minor parties who are also having their own debates, we'll be looking at that very shortly. All that coming up after Charles's election wrap. This is the wrap for Tuesday the 10th of May.

The nation's greatest fuckface, Mark Latham, has somehow made Sunday's great debate between Morrison and Albanesey not the worst thing that happened that night. The failed One Nation loser sent out an attention-seeking tweet, criticizing Nine's coverage using a racist pun. Mark Latham originally said the remark worked on two levels before later claiming that it only worked on one level and therefore was not racist. No, Mark, it worked on no levels.

Palace officials have announced that the Queen is unable to attend the opening of British Parliament, taking the lead from her representative in Australia, Governor General David Hurley, who has not attended anything for the past three and a half years. And Scott Morrison has doubled down on his attempt to make the election about anything other than the last three years. Backing in Catherine Deves' comment,

the trans people are mutilating themselves when they get gender reassignment surgery. That is the terminology that they use. It is also contained in the Crimes Act of New South Wales. So you're not really apologising? I'm apologising for how people might have perceived it. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but that is the correct terminology. The remarks come off the back of new polling, which shows that women are abandoning Morrison in droves.

Just 22% of women surveyed in News.com.com.com.com's state of the nation poll said they would be voting for the coalition. Maybe that's why Morrison is so against anyone getting surgery to make themselves into a woman. That's the wrap for Tuesday the 10th of May. We'll be back in a sec. Chaser Report. Election Edition. So, Andrew, I know that you have absolutely no interest in the election, but so did you watch any of the election debate? Good God, no.

Why would I subject myself to that? I didn't even know there was a debate. Correct answer, correct answer. And I don't want to talk about the election debate itself. But I do want to talk about the mechanism they use to poll the Australian people, because there's been a lot of criticism of it. And I'll summarise it this way, Andrew. There's a few things.

Firstly, you had to scan a QR code off your television. Oh, look, that cuts out about 90% of people. people. I mean, we don't know how to do that. Exactly. You exclude some people, but that's fine. That's democracy. Secondly, you then had to vote and you got three options, which was coalition, Labour or Coalition. I've never, I've never seen the explanation of how that happened still. Did that slightly skew the results? You've got like two of your three choices. I think the thing that's slightly skewed the results was a lot of people showed videos of themselves trying to vote and you couldn't actually vote for Labor, but you could then vote

for the thing. But despite that, and this is the good thing about this, I think, putting that criticism aside, Andrew, if you manage to watch just the debate, not only the debate, but then the wrap-up of the debate, it was quite fascinating because what happened is at the beginning of that wrap-up, they went to the polls and they said, oh, what's your poll, what's your results been? And it was like, oh, Morrison won this debate. And they all talked about how great Morrison was because he won the debate. And then about five minutes later, they went, oh, hang on a second, we've just got all these new votes in because people finally figured out how to use a QR code. and they said, oh, actually, Albert Easy won this debate.

So they decided to talk about how good Albanesee was because he'd won the debate. And then by the end, it was great because right at the end of the show, they're like, oh, we've just got new results in, it's dead even, dead even. All three, all three possibilities. But I was thinking about this, right? Maybe that's not a great polling system, but wouldn't it be a great way to actually run our democracy? So instead of having one election every three or four years, you have an online. ongoing rolling election using QR codes on Channel 9, and whoever's ahead at any time governs

the country. They take the seat. It'd be fantastic. So imagine it. You're in the parliament there, and, you know, Scott Morrison is doing his speech about something. And then suddenly the speaker's like, ah, shit, sorry, Labor's got ahead, and they've all got a shift around to the other side.

They've all got a shift around to the other side. I said, I think this has got something to it, I mean, and when they do those important, international conferences and things. Yes. You'd just stop. You'd fly Albo home when the results change and fly the new guy in. Well, this is it. Do they go together?

I mean, and again, you're very, you know, duality view of this, very kind of major party view, Andrew, it could be anybody. It could suddenly be. Oh, so anyone could be. Anyone could be, you know, suddenly on Reddit that week, they get a bit shitty. And suddenly you've got Bob Katter as the prime minister for the next few hours. Now, I mean, you can have anybody in there. I mean, you're going to have a lot of Botey McBoat face or Prime Minister McPrinister face

is going to be the candidate and that kind of stuff. But I still think very democratic system. I'm on board with you. Look, I'm with you on this one. I'm with you on there. It would solve that problem where you're stuck with the same irritating person for three years. Exactly. You know, if you're annoyed with somebody, you know, they're gone in five or ten minutes even.

Exactly. It's fantastic. I think that there are some structural problems. and I do need to run past you, Andrew, as such a constitutional law expert that you are. Hit me with them. Yeah, so, because technically you've got to swear in the Prime Minister with the Governor General. Every time it changes, do you have to quickly rush back to the Governor General? Now, how long does that take?

It's going to take a little while. I mean, if it's down the street in Cambridge, if he's in Cambridge, it's not too long. Can you just... And you've already got those... I mean, you get the great, because that means not only do we get... You know, that wonderful coverage that we always get in the few days before an election is called, where they send junior reporters out to stand outside the Governor General's house

and just continually commentate the fact that the Prime Minister isn't there yet. We will have that for 365 days a year. That'll be constant. There'll be a whole channel devoted to that. That'd be good. Because it's a very pretty house, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

It's nice to watch. I mean, I do, it's also, because I think the Governor General... He gets hundreds of thousands of bucks a year and finally he'll have to fucking do something because he's got to be there 24-7, you know, middle of the night. Oh, shit.

Where is she, Pauling Hanson's Prime Minister quickly. Get her over there. The Palmer's become the Prime Minister at 2 a.m., which he would, because, you know, the drunker people get. Oh, yes. As the night goes on, the weirder our Prime Minister would be. Yes, absolutely. We'd get the weirdest Prime Ministers on a late Friday night. And wouldn't you get a great swearing in as well at 3 o'clock on a Friday night,

the Governor General's been forced out of bed? Craig Kelly's been wheeled in. Again. With a cab I mean it's Channel 9 You are the saviors of our democracy Election News

You Can't Trust The Chaser Report Now you know we're talking about leaders' debates You know I think it's a problem that they're restricted to To just the main leaders You know I think it's more interesting To have you know

These smaller candidates Doing the debate You know Maybe some minor parties Some independent parties Can you say smaller candidates, you mean shorter? No, no, no, just even lesser known ones, Craig. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I mean, you know how nobody knows the name of the opposition leader, but even less known than that. And last night, in the middle of the night, there was actually a televised debate between a couple of very, very minor parties. I recorded it, and I thought it was rather interesting. Take a listen. Good evening and welcome to the not-so-great debate,

where the leaders of minor parties go, So head to insignificant head. Tonight's debaters are the very fast voiceover artists you hear at the ends of campaign ads who have recently formed their own parties. And I'll let those leaders introduce themselves to you now at a very rapid pace. Good evening. I'm the leader of the Conservative Very Fast Voiceover Party. My name is T. Rickman Canberra.

Good evening. I'm the leader of the progressive very fast voiceover party. My name is T. Wokeman Canberra. And at home, you can give your feedback via our poll, but this debate will be so fast you won't have time. Now for his opening statement. Over to you, T. Rickman Canberra. Hello Australia, this opening statement was written and authorised by T. Rickman, Canberra. Nice and concise, thank you. Over to you, T. Wokeman, Canber. Hello, Australia, it's crucial to have a progressive voice in Parliament. How many words per voice can you speak, T. Wokeman? I have to take issue with Mr. Wokeman here because he is unqualified to deliver voices that are fast enough for the rapidly changing times we live in. If elected, I promise to pass laws requiring Australians to speak at a bare minimum, speed at a bare minimum, speed at a bare minimum, how many words per minute can you speak, T. Wokeman? Well, I don't have those numbers in front of me, but I promise a very large number of words per minute. This election is about the economy, specifically the economy of words. How can you claim to be strong on the economy of words when you don't know how many words per minute you're speaking?

That's a cheap, gotcha question. I don't know how many words, but it's definitely more words per minute than you. You're wasting words with your slow speech, and Australians are tired of the waste. Tired of the wasted words. You need to explain to Australia why you've accepted so many fast voiceover jobs. Well, that's because Chinese voiceover artists are far too slow, and only Australia can provide voiceovers of the fast enough for fit at the end of an advertisement. In fact, we plan to create over 400,000 fast voiceover jobs exporting, exporting very fast voiceover jobs exporting all over the world. You need to explain yourself, and you need to explain yourself very, very quickly, indeed. Your ex-planet since so far. It's your party has been poor-powering more, obviously, your party is not being anywhere near to speed.

You've got no plan. You've got no plan. A lot of a plan is not slow down. I will not slow down. I have an ideological objection to slowness. So do I. So we're actually not that different. Rigging elections since before it was cool, the Chaser Report.

So, Andrew, I've been listening to quite a few political podcasts. And something I noticed this week is that even within the certain podcast, so, say, for instance, The Guardian podcast, different people are pronouncing the opposition leader's names different way. So Anthony Albanesey or Anthony Albanese. And I was wondering whether maybe this is why he's got the nickname Albo is that maybe Anthony doesn't know how to say his last name. I mean, it'd be a great gotcha question, wouldn't it, to say, Mr. Albo, how do you pronounce your last name? Just totally throw him again. He's like, oh, I don't know, somebody from his team is like passing up a little piss paper with the correct answer.

I mean, because I swear years ago when we were growing up, he was Albanese. Did he used to be Albanese, like a, like Japanese? Yeah, like Japanese, Albanese, that kind of thing. I swear I grew up with that being his name, but now it seems that everyone says Albanese, and the strange thing is that if he's changed it any way, it was a stupid thing because he's played right into the liberal campaign because their whole thing is, It's not easy under Albanese or it's not easy with Albanese. If it was Albanese, it would have to be like,

there is not enough ease under Albanese, which doesn't sound as good. It's not quite as good, is it? It's not quite as good, is it? Can I suggest you are an English honours student, Andrew? As everybody knows. I'd just like to run past you, the kind of the rhyming thing, because what's happened in that liberal advert is they've gone... When Australia needs certainty, it won't be easy under Albanesey.

What they've done is they've rhymed easy and easy. How do you rate that? Good? It's a very close rhyme. Isn't it? Yeah, it's good, isn't it? It's certainly not a half rhyme. I don't know if Shakespeare or Browning would have written it that way.

I mean, it doesn't have the iambic pentameter either of a great Elizabethan sonnet. So, you know, for me, as a piece of literature, you know, it's probably not going to be classic. No, no. But then again, this is modern poetry, Craig. This is more in the vein of T.S. Eliot's, this slogan. I mean, do you reckon if his name was, I mean, Albanese, is there any way they could nail a rhyme there? Oh, gosh. Look, I think they'd be more likely to dig into the pharmaceutical side of things.

Because I'm thinking of quickies. Oh, yes. That stuff that stops you giving a stomachache. Yes. So maybe they could, you know, with Albanese, you're going to require a quick ease. That would be a good That's great You should become a liberal campaign slogan writer, Andrew

It's very good It is if you're listening If any liberals on the off chance And the impossible chance that any liberals Are listening to this podcast After Charles's left-winged social media posts Then yeah, get in touch with me What do you mean?

Haven't you seen Charles's rants the other way as well? Well, it depends how much he's drunk Exactly, exactly But so I don't know, I don't know how you actually pronounce his name. Well, Craig, I can, I can inform you of that. I've got a little piece of audio here that may give you a little clue. Christopher Pine actually got it right in terms of the Italian pronunciation. It's Albanese.

But you don't say spaghetti balanasi, do you? So, you know. So it is Albanese, except it's got to be, it's got to be pronounced that word, it's not ASE, and albanese. He should run in Italy. You might have to if he loses this election, given the polls. Anyway, that's the end of the Chaser report for Tuesday, the 10th of May. We'll see if those lazy bastards Charles and Dom turn up tomorrow.

Yes, that's right. And I believe that the gear that they normally use, Charles and Dom, is from road microphones. If you're interested in making your own podcast, I hear that some people are doing that. This podcast is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yeah, it's been Andrew and Craig. It's been lovely to host the podcast. And it must have been a great pleasure for you to listen to some real professionals doing this. Yes.

Back to the regular hosts, unfortunately, tomorrow.