The Chaser Report - England gets be-Headed

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

Charles and Dom break down the two-day Ashes Test demolition — which, if we’re honest, comes down to one simple stat: England are sh*t at cricket. They also ask whether Bazball is basically cricket’s version of Brexit, and dive into Usman Khawaja’s “Golf War.”Order the 2025 CHASER ANNUAL: https://chasershop.com/products/the-chaser-and-the-shovel-annual-2025-preorderListen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, you and I both have, or could have divided loyalties when it comes to test cricket. You and I both have British heritage. But I think it's that that makes Australia utterly pulverising England in the first test just so delicious. Yes. The country that we abandoned or which abandoned us is now embarrassed yet again humiliated

by Travis Haired, Mitchell Stark, and in fact, even Osmond Kowager, I think humiliated them because he proved that we didn't need a specialist opener to destroy England in the first test. And just to contextualise, the whole reason why we didn't do a podcast yesterday was it was Monday. It was after the crushing defeat of England. And we were just in such a gloating mood that it would have come across. People would have mistaken us for being smug British people. They would have. Which is what the reason why it's so beautiful to bash England in the face in the first test is because, you know, like you sort of go, oh, we should have empathy.

you know, especially in these times of war and conflict and famine and drought and genocide and all these things, we should have just have empathy for our fellow human beings. Are they our fellow human beings? Can I fact check that one? You meet a British cricket fan and you go, or an English cricket fan, and you just go, no, they're smug fuck with, who deserve it? Well, but also we were watching together on Saturday evening. Yes.

I mean, the celebrations pretty much took us out of a recording until we're not. now. So this is when you have a chance to process it. Let's take some ads and then we can continue to. Well, not gloat. No, not gloat. That's what the English, the English would glow. And subtly. Yeah. So Charles, it all begins with Bazball. Brendan McCollum, the coach of England, former New Zealander. So another enemy, you know, enemy working for an enemy. Huge enemy. Who scored the fastest ever, as we saw on the lists again on Saturday, the fastest ever test century, I think, 57 balls. And so this is the approach that he is endorsing for the team.

Who is this, Brendan McCollum. From New Zealand, 57. The fastest ever, and top 10 list, by the way, which now fetches Travis Heads. Oh, yeah. Knock on the weekend. But here's the point. Basball, the style of going out very aggressively and hitting quick centuries. Yes.

It works if you are Brendan McCollum. Yes. Does it work if you are coached by Brendan? to McCollum, who is too old to play for your team, jury's out on that one. But we learnt one thing on the weekend, which is that it works bloody well for Travis Head. Yes. So, Traffball, I think we can call it. So I think part of the thing is, like, I actually, I think baseball's quite an innovation in a way,

because what it is is it's sort of contextualising modern cricket, which is a lot of the cricketers come from a T20 background. I mean, even David Warner started off. The first time he played for Australia, or even before he played first class cricket, I think, was he played for Australia in the T20s, right? Yeah, yeah, he was a swashbuckling player when he was, when he opened the batting, he did the same thing. But the thing is, there's a good theory behind it, but you also have to be good at playing cricket. Yes, that is the thing. And I think England has sort of missed the mark by going, well, we're going to do this thing,

It's clever and works in New Zealand for our New Zealand-based coach. They haven't adapted it to the other English thing, which is English people shit at cricket. Yeah. Inherently. And by the nature of their nationality. And even Joe Root, who is now, I'm quite disturbed to say, the second highest score in tests. How? He keeps on getting out.

He overtook Ricky Ponting. Or is it the score, the number of outs that he's got? No, it's a big asterism, which is. except in Australia. So because he plays most of his cricket on little lollipop English wickets. Ah, yes. I mean, any Australian batsman worth their salt could have scored more runs had they been playing in England on their pathetic little whisper.

Steve Smith would be on 30,000 test runs. The thing is, he's been English. One of the, because unfortunately we had an English person at our party on that they're not. I thought it really gave an extra sense of delight. He did get very depressed during the evening. Genuinely depressed. It was very nice. But one of the things he was saying is, like, the humidity and the amount of moisture

in the air in England just means that it's just different conditions. And the pitch will never get as dry as per stadium. And the air will never be as dry. So it's sort of unfair that, you know, the English have to play on such sort of fast conditions. Well, but Charles, you know why the English pitchers are more moist and don't have that dryness you get particularly? It's the Gulf Stream, isn't it? No, it's the tears. It's the English tears.

Oh, okay, right. The inferiority that they keep sobbing into the pitch. Yes. When they remember that when they come down under, they're hopeless. I mean, you can't take Joe Root seriously. Firstly, he's called Joe Root. Yes. And secondly, he can't score in Australia.

You can't be the second-grade test bats in all time and not be able to. to play in Australia. I mean, his record here is pathetic. Now, I want to broaden this conversation out to look at the sort of global implications of this defeat. Please do. And I know you spend a lot of time in England and you're going to very much enjoy this. You should probably wear a T-shirt with Travis Head or not.

Because I think every day when you go back. What is true is that over the last sort of five, six, maybe even seven years, there's been a real upswing of English patriotism. That's true. Nationalism has really taken hold to the extent that in most English cities, you know, you've got flags everywhere of the English flag or even the British flag just sort of because there's this sort of far right nationalist upswing, right? And it's sort of seen as something that could possibly take over the world. do you think now that England has faced such a crushing defeat at the hands of the Australians, that all those British patriots will realise that their country isn't that good after all

and take down the flags? No, I don't. I think it's going to get worse because there's something in the English character that finds failure, you know, rewarding. Rewarding, yes. Which is very clear when you look at that English flag, the flag of St George, which is the Red Cross on the white background. It's the flag of the Red Cross. It means that they need help.

They need enormous help. And you take away the Red Cross and they've just got surrender. That's right. You've got surrendering. So, I mean, if you look at, for instance, where all this perhaps arguably started in football hooliganism, where every single time there's a World Cup, England are absolutely convinced that they're the best team in the world and that they're definitely going to win it.

Yes. Which they've only ever managed to do fluqually once on home soil. Oh, I'd never heard that before, Dom. That's right. And that's the thing. And they keep thinking that they're, and every single time they come in with absolute arrogance and get absolutely humiliated. And it's just wonderful.

And so I think failure is somehow, it reinforces a delusion in a way I don't entirely understand. So I think, I mean, if you hear the English reactions. It's Hegelian dialectics. It probably is. It's the antithesis of the thesis. The thesis is, England is sheer. The antithesis of that is their sort of patriotism, and then the synthesis of that is the negation of the negation, which is that they accept that England is shit, but they're proud of their shittness. Maybe that's the next phase of British nationals.

I mean, I don't entirely understand what you just said, but it sounds right to me, and I don't think a British cricket or football hook and I understand. But Charles, if you listen to the team, what they've been saying? saying since the defeat, that's proof positive because what everybody has pointed out from the English commentators like Jeffrey Boycott, who they said was past it, didn't understand the modern game, to everyone in Australia. They're making the point that that style doesn't work in every, in all conditions. And when Travis Head scored all those runs, the pitch was flat and not doing anything bad. But when it's rearing around and creating edges, you should actually walk a bit.

You just start playing like Jeffrey Boycott did, which is the most. boring form of batting ever. Well, you keep blocking until the ball's worn down, basically. And then you can start tonking it and bas-balling. And here's the point. What they've said today is they've come out and, oh, Ben Stokes, no, no, no, look, we've got to believe in the way that we've played. We're not going to change a thing.

And to me, that's fantastic. Yeah, that's great. Because it goes to show you're coming into the game with no regard to condition. It's like the way that they persist with Brexit, isn't it? It's just a disaster. Let's keep going. I mean, it's clearly, at this point, clearly has destroyed the British economy. Yes.

Like, you can't, the fruit and veg in the supermarkets and the food is, is noticeably worse than pre-Brexit. Yes. They can't even get to Europe now without all these passport controls. Yes. And they love it. They think it's a huge win. Yes. So it's the same thing.

They've brexited. So basball is a form of Brexit from the reality of actually looking at the world around you. So I should just note that your theory that you should wait until the ball gets worn down is just that. It's a theory, right, Don't. Because the thing that remains untested after the entire first test is the ball not being completely new. There was so few overs. In fact, I think the longest innings of any of the teams was 35 overs, wasn't it? It was basically, it would have been a longer, more satisfying game if it had just been a 50-over game of cricket.

Yes. you know, we've done over a couple of days, like 250 over games, would have been far more innings and far more overs. Well, this is the thing is so short. We would have seen far, you know, more haggard bulls by the end. I can't remember how long the two English innings were together, but it may have been, was it, were they 37 overs between them or something? Yeah, it was just a new ball.

It was incredibly sure. The whole time it was a... Lion bowled two overs in the whole test because he didn't get an old ball to work. That's right. And so you just go for it. And you don't let any adverse reality. It's a bit like Trump with the tariffs, isn't it? You just keep with the plan.

And even if it doesn't work the way you want it to, you just go, no. So create your own reality. We haven't talked enough about Travis Head yet. We should. We should talk about Travis Head. After this next break, what we'll do is we'll talk about England being beheaded. Oh, it's very. And with the eighth of view there, Charles.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is the Chase of Report. So, Travis Head, I mean, what are we thinking? Are we thinking next Governor General? I mid-game sent a tweet to Anthony Albanesey demanding that he'd be named Australian at the year. Yeah. I haven't actually heard an official reply from the PMO as yet.

Let me just see. I don't think Albo works on weekends. Well, let me just see if there actually is a response yet, because I haven't checked Twitter since then. Let's see. I think what is fair to say is, so you know how CAO does those minis? Because last night I decided I wanted to just sort of keep the cricket going even though it had ended. So I cracked up one of those CAO minis, right? Where they play, they cut down and they just show you the good balls, right?

Yes. And so half the game was England getting out, which was a delightful thing. And then the rest of the mini was this series of shots that Travis had. did. And usually they cut out, you know, balls between shots. But what I noticed was this mini was basically much of Travis Head, because he had so many good shots. It would just literally be like, here's the first ball of the over. He's the second ball of the over, another four. He's the third ball of the other, another four. Oh, look, the fourth ball, he's hit a six. You know, it was just an extraordinary. I mean, it's really worth watching.

Yeah, well, there's one over. It's just extraordinary. There was one over where he got four fours, and then there was a dot ball. Travis, you drop it. And then he got his other four. And then did the selectors decide to punt him down the order? So is he going to stay as an open? Well, this is the big question. I mean, Wetherald had a better performance there in the second innings.

And you've got to feel sorry for him because, I mean, Weatherald was expecting to open with Kowaja. Yeah. And then Kowajua wasn't able to go out and... Because he played too much golf. Because he's played four days consecutive days of golf. That's just like unprofessional. Why doesn't he just go off and become a golf professional? Well, you can argue he was limbering up.

But no, I mean, I've always said golf was a negative force that destroyed things. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. And that's what's happened. Potentially destroyed Kowaj's career, unless, as you say, he's just transitioning to becoming a golf. But can't Kowager just bat down the order? Can he just be put in forth? I mean, is he going to deliver enough runs? I mean, is his form consistent?

He's about turned 39, Charles. There comes a point where, as you and I know, all too well, the body just doesn't do what you want it to do anymore. Yeah, I have a soft spot for Koward. I do, too. I feel like he sort of tends to be a steadfast. He does, but no one's played. No one's played as late as this, right?

Like, it's him and Jimmy Anderson are the only ones who are staying this long. Yeah. Even Smith's, only a young jump buck of 36. Yeah. But, I mean, I think Travis Head has to stay as an opener after that. Oh, yeah. And so you put Weatherald in with him or Kowager, whichever way around it goes, and we get another all-rounder in the team, which is going to be useful.

That's good. I mean, but, I mean, Smith and Labashane tried to block in the first innings, but England were too good, and the pitch was helping them. Yeah. So England could easily have won the test if the pitch hadn't turned. Don't say that. Sorry. But I'm saying that because I want to make it more painful for them.

I want to tantalize them with the sense. possibility. Yeah, you could have done it. You could have done it if you just weren't idiot. You could have done it. You need Travis Head. You know, well, I think Travis Head will probably end up coaching England after he finished his play.

But no, I think Travis Head should bat in all the positions. I want Travis Head 1 to 11. Yes. I've got to get him out 10 times. Oh, my God. Imagine how angry the tabloids over in Britain would be. Yeah. Look, Kowaja, I think, look, I think it's a bit mean to drop him after one failure,

even though it was a pretty comprehensive. Farley, we couldn't even take the pitch. Yeah. But, I don't know, it's hard to argue with someone filling it and doing such a good job that they... No, no. You got a head opens and is next Governor General. That's how...

I mean, no, but is he the first president instead? Oh, yes. Because if you're wanting to... Yeah, he could be the head of state. But that's true. But if you're wanting to dump on England and the English monarchy, if you're wanting to move away from that... Yes.

He's the perfect person. He defeated England and then he became president. I mean, you could argue that, in fact, the Republic debate was settled. Yes. On Saturday. In fact, we don't need a referendum. That was our referendum. I think that was the referendum.

Yes. I think Travis Head's innings in particular. I think Alba should, you know how he very rarely acts, you know, erratically and just has a brain explosion and amounts of something. Jeffrey Boycott-like, isn't he? But he does, he has done it once before when on election, when he first got elected Prime Minister, he announced that he'd hold a voice referendum. Maybe he should erratically and just spontaneously announce another referendum for the Republic. I mean, you've got to be, this is the era of Donald Trump.

This is it. Yeah, you just say that the Constitution was changed. Yes. You don't even say that you're changing it. Just say that by that act of Travis Head's innings, that basically he's the head of state. Yeah. He's the Travis head of state. I love it.

Okay, well, we're part of the Alconiclass Network. Dom, the only downside is there's no cricket on. Why isn't there more cricket on? They should have scheduled some more cricket. I mean, would you rather a third, fourth and fifth day of the first test? Or would you rather just go back and watch Travis Head highlights again? Oh, yeah, that's it. You know what?

Cricket Australia, because apparently they're losing millions of dollars because of those tickets. Yeah. They should have just said, come along. Yeah. We will screen highlights. on the big screen at Perth Stadium. And you force England to turn up and watch it over and over again. And all the super slow-mo footage at that even is.

Yes. Okay, good. Solved. See ya.