The Chaser Report - Enter the Chunder Master | Chris Taylor

Episode Date: October 31, 2021

Dom, Gabbi and Charles discuss the temporary leader of the country, Barnaby Joyce. They are also joined by Chris Taylor who chats college hazing and Aleksa who explores lockdown crime statistics. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Monday the 1st of November 2021. I'm Dom Knight, Charles Firth and Gabby Bolt. Hello! Hello, Pinched a Punch for the first day of the fucking 11th month. Ow! Yeah. It's not very nice.

I'm just bringing a bit of youthful jovialness to this podcast. I thought sort of doing these podcasts back in person was nice and then you'd start punching us. Yeah, well, I have months to make up for pinchers. And punches. Yeah, that is fair. We probably deserve it, Charles, in some way. But I'll tell you what, what a difficult weekend it was. Oh, it's horrifying.

Horrible. The whole weekend, Barnaby Joyce was in charge of this country. Oh, God. Yes. Oh, my life was better when I didn't know that. I didn't even want to go outside. Oh, nor do I. Just in case, you know, he's around.

But it does give a sense of randomness, though. Like, things are loose when Barnaby's in charge. Anything could happen. Oh, yeah. I mean, it is, yeah, it is. Yeah, it is endlessly entertaining. Yeah, it's the international waters of parliament, isn't it? I mean, the thing where he got in trouble for not wearing a mask in the middle of a pandemic,

the thing where he had a beer, like there's just, you know, even the law itself can't get in the way of his forms of self-expression, which at various times include threatening to kill dogs and impregnating members of his staff. I mean, there's just a lot of ways he needs to express himself. He just doesn't want the government in his life. He's only ever got money from the government and is running. Like, how do you reconcile I don't want the government in my life with I now run the government while Scott Morrison's out of town?

Like, it's a rhetorical masterpiece of double think, isn't it? I think you just figured out that farming was hard. Like, I think he quit and he was like, I'm going to be a farmer, I'm going to go off the grid and I'm going to talk shit about the government. And then he realised that the farming industry is actually really hard at the moment. And he went, oh, fuck this, I'll go back to government. So 10 minutes after that video was recorded, I think you've got it right, gave you for Christmas. You went, actually, I'm going to be deputy probitista again.

There's a lot more money in these fucking count. It's not as much fun when they don't sing the song when you go down the street. You know, old McDonald. It is good having a family's man running the country. I'm honestly surprised that he's not out there supporting childcare, like government-paid, government-subsidised childcare. It would save him so much money. Of all the things you'd think, it would be in his narrow field of interest,

it would be making sure he doesn't have to pay for all the toddlers. Yes, because he's asked for subsidies for mining corporations for his whole life. Wouldn't you also want it for miners? He just got confused, Charles. We've made so many of those mining miners jokes now. It's going, it's going great guns. I don't think anyone's pissed off with it at all. I mean, look, do what you've got to do for Jenna Ryan Hart, Barnaby,

but just give us a free crash, will you? That's the father of a three-year-old. You know, it was pretty embarrassing having Barnaby Joyce running the country this weekend. But even more embarrassing is Scott Morrison off with his plan that's not really a plan that doesn't say anything, trying to tout that to the world. It's sort of embarrassment both at home and abroad.

Oh, I mean, I was born into embarrassment. I was born in the Howard era. I mean, like, I've grown up just knowing to be ashamed of the country. It's, some might say, the Australian way. Coming up on the show, we're talking to Chris Taylor. Yes, about his adventures at college. They've just decided to admit women, and we're going to work out whether the women will wish they hadn't been admitted.

Plus, Alexa is coming along, and he's going to do a quiz, because the New South Wales government has released. all their crime stats that happened during lockdown and he's going to give us a bit of a quiz on it so it's a bit of a thing for quiz lovers

and crime stat lovers and I went to the gym and I need to talk to you both about it it's all coming up after Rebecca Dana Mino in the Chast Newsroom just a moment Thank you for your patience

your call is important Can't take being on hold anymore Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes mobile plans start at $15 a month Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Former Premier of New South Wales, Gladys Berrigalian, has once again reaffirmed her claim

that she and her ex-boyfriend, Daryl Maguire, were not in a serious, committed relationship, telling ICAC investigators that they were only at the buying-each hospital stage of the relationship. Victorian MP Tim Smith has resigned from their position as Shadow Attorney General. announcing that his drunken car crash of a political career will be coming to an end due to a drunken car crash. Acting Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has responded to the announcement by offering Smith a spot on the federal cabinet. US President Joe Biden has apologised to French President Emmanuel Macron for Scott Morrison's lack of grace in handling the withdrawal from the French submarine deal. Mr Morrison was annoyed at the statement saying he wished everyone would stop. stop asking him about Grace Tame.

That's all from the Chaser Newsroom. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and on behalf of all of us at The Chaser Report, we send our condolences to Burt Newton's family. He will be deeply missed. Alexa is here with a wonderful quiz about crime statistics. Yeah, yeah, I've been having heaps of fun recently, and the funest place on Earth, the Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research. It's a riveting place because recently they brought out a report

about COVID breaches in New South Wales. All right, this is going to be fun. Bring on the Boxar report. Here we go. The first question, what's the most popular way to get a COVID fine? Like, what's the most alluring restriction to break for you guys? Oh, that's a good one.

I reckon it's... Five kilometres? It would be... Oh! It would be something like... It would have been visiting your friends or something. No, but they targeted... They targeted poor people, didn't they?

So visiting poor people, is that the... I reckon maybe getting maggotid would be a great way to break COVID because you would be so drunk you wouldn't remember doing it. I was just thinking, what did Barnaby do? And then I don't remember with masks. Because that would be but not by dollar value, but by number overall. I think Tom was actually right at the start. It's not essential travel.

It's leaving your little bubble. But face masks was a close second, 30%. But visiting friends, visiting households is 14%. Oh, so no one. No one wanted to visit them. No one has friends, no. Oh, what was the gender distribution of fines? What gender is more likely to break COVID or more likely to get caught?

Men, obviously. 80%. 80%, folks. Yeah, they're dickets. Of course. Make this hard, Alexa. How many, what was the proportion? Yeah, it was around 80%.

That's a fucking amazing. To be honest, well done, brothers, for not doing more. I was expecting. It could be in 1995. We suck. Okay, in what setting are you most likely to get a COVID fine? Like, are you at work, are you outdoors, are you at home, are you? On the beach.

Surely you're on the beach. No, that's rich people. They don't get fined. Loitering while in Western Sydney. Yeah, it'll be at a park of, yeah, in Western Sydney. No, no, no, no. It'll be living in your own home with your own family in Western Sydney. In Western Sydney.

Yeah, and the cop. And the army just knocks on the door. Now, let me think, I reckon it's a kind of like a kind of like outdoor mall kind of a place. It'll be shopping centers, surely. Yeah, so I think you're right. It's 51% is outdoor and public spaces. Only 12% is work, 10% is public transport, and residential is 22%.

So, I mean, close second. I don't want to say I was right with both beaches and living in your own house, but... Yeah, well, beaches was definitely part of outdoors. It's an outdoor recreational area. But based on all the photos of the beaches, nobody got fired. But also, we went down to Bondo, you know, the day before. locked down when it was already a bit, you know, a bit locked down. And it was, they just weren't enforcing the law.

There were cops there and it was just, because it was all rich people. I mean, keeping that in mind that rich people don't get fines, which LGA do you reckon had the largest number of fines handed out? Which ones, Matt Drewity? It's got to be Blacktown, doesn't it? Oh, Fairfield. I reckon it was Fairfield. That's sort of epicentre of all that.

I'm just in the interest of making things different. And I'll say like the Bayside area. It was the city of Sydney LGA. Oh. That's our LGA. But you know what? I think this might be a little bit of Bureau of Crime Statistics propaganda

because 60% of those city of Sydney finds are people who don't live there. The vast majority of them came here for protests. It was the protesters. Ruining our LGA, Charles. Ruining it. How dare they? Oh, what age group was most likely to break COVID laws?

It was 25 to 30-year-old men. No, actually, I'm going to change it 25 to 40. 40-year-old man. See, if there'd been fewer, if there'd been more women in the overall stats, I'd have said sort of 60 plus Karen's, but no, I think it's 18 to 24. 18 to 29. 29, right. Yeah, that's amazing.

And like, by quite a lot, 38.5%. Like, more than a lot of them combined. 29's the age that Alexa is today. Hey. So you just made the cutoff. Oh, thank God. No, because what they did was, any party they busted, that's 16, 20 fines or whatever. So that blows.

And that's all the kids were actually having. How dare they? How dare they? You won't do that now that you're 29? Absolutely not. No. But I won't even stay in my house. I'll be exclusively at work where the least fines are given. Excellent. So young people suck. Men suck. And cops got in the way of everything for as much as they helps. Right. There you go. Thank you, police force. But you won't arrest me because I live in a rich area. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Well, huge news in the posh bit of Sydney. St. Paul's College at Sydney University has decided to open its doors to women after 165 years of only blokes. We know someone who went to this esteemed institution. His name is Christopher Tate.

Yeah. Yay, Chris. Isn't it interesting? The only time you want to talk to me is when either my school is in the news or the college I very briefly went to is in the news, as if I'm somehow representative of every single person and transgression that happened at both of those appalling institutions. So Paul's has long been seen as a, well, bastion of misogyny and horribleness.

Do you think women are going to fit in there, Chris? I know that you only went there for a few months or something, didn't you? No, is there for a three year, my first year of Sydney University? It was fake. There's plenty I can tell you about the college, but it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. It's extraordinary paradox of sophistication refinement combined with the most debased, appalling, disgusting,

primitive behaviour you're ever likely to see. And often that can all occur within half an hour of each other. Like, it's, you know, people will read poetry and then vomit on a fresher student 20 minutes later. And it's a real experience of extreme going to this place. And the announcement today that they're letting women in, well, it's such a sort of double-edged sword, isn't it? On the one hand, fantastic, finally, progressiveness that they're acknowledging there's another sex that exists that deserves. to reside on inside the college. On the other hand, what woman on earth would want to go into that place?

It'll be interesting. What I do know is, and I haven't read anything about this. So as like most guests on your podcast, I'm speaking about this from a very uninformed position. I'm sure I've tried to spin this as somehow progressive enlightenment. I can assure you it would have absolutely nothing to do with that. be entirely a business decision because the other colleges of the campus, St Andrews and St. John's, they've all gone this way. When we were at Sydney Uni, they were all male-only colleges and the women's college, which is women's only, just for business reasons, because

enrolments kept dropping. Gradually, they've all started allowing co-ed enrollments. And so look, this will be celebrated in certain corners as, oh, finally Paul sees the light, mostly by them. But I can guarantee it'll be entirely about the bottom line and the bottom line managed by male economy. Chris, I can confirm that that is exactly what it says. It says in this, like the head to the warden of the college is going, oh, it's future leaders of tomorrow,

that includes women. And then there's a paragraph that says basically they have to either have students from other universities who somehow commute from Paul to wherever they go or women. That's how unpopular it is. Because I guess the brand is so on the nose. You know, suppose, you know, you guys will know,

has had scandal after scandal of, you know, sexual transgression. But only for the last 165 years, Chris. Exactly, only for the last 165. And, you know, hazing ceremonies that are the worst of the navies, which is just takes some doing. Yeah, and I think you're all being very negative about this. I mean, it's definitely worked before. Look at the government.

Women weren't allowed in Parliament for so long. And then when they were allowed in, now they've got no problems with how they treat women. It's like they've solved the problem. It's fine. That's true. It's going to work. You watch. My memory is Chris of Paul's.

I barely was there. But I do remember distinctly that there is a bar which is run by students for students, which strikes me as the most irresponsible licensing policy in the history. of alcohol and like there's the rum core and then there's this bar at st paul's college and do you think all that's going to get wiped away no i don't that there'd be a genuine riot if that happened you're right though it's sort of like putting a crazed gunman who's just committed a massacre in charge of the gun shop isn't it like it's um it's called the salisbury bar i think anyone's allowed to go there it's not actually exclusive it's just

Most people don't know about it. And it's sort of, it doesn't, if it's not open every night, it's sort of open at the students win whenever they feel like getting on a bender. Often it followed, like if it was a, they'd done well in sport that day. They might have opened up the bar. They always talked about keg, colleagues, I remember this. Oh, we're going to put a keg on. It was never, do you want to have a couple, like a couple of schooners?

Do you want to have a keg tonight? That was the minimum entry. That's a minimum order. No, it certainly does seem like an extension of an all-male private school in a way that seems a bit unhealthy. Did you have any sense, Gabby, of what things are like at other universities? Bathurst has this great culture at CSU, which is obviously very residential. Is that a healthier place, do you gather? Ah, no.

I mean, like, they did a game called Edward 40 Hands. I don't know if you're aware of this, where you taped two 40-ounce bottles of alcohol to your hands. and you can't do anything until you've drunk through both of them. Oh, my God. So that's that. Did they have that, Paul's, Chris? No, they'd have plenty of equivalence. But Gabby makes a very good point.

It had this position that San Andreas called the Chunder Master. Have you heard about this? Yes, I remember the Chunder Master. They got to write a book called Finishing School for Blokes. It detailed all of this, and it made the news report for the same reason at the time. So what did the Chundermaster do again? again? Extremely prestigious position.

Like it was, you know, you think, you know, Prime Minister of Australia, captain of the Australian cricket team, that these are lofty roles that people aspire to. I can assure you, at Andrews College, the most prestigious post you could ever reach with the Chandermaster.

It was his job, and it was always a he back then. I'm sure they're more enlightened now and can let the man or woman be the chunderman masters. But basically, Basically, whenever, people were encouraged to consume unusual objects and then go on benders and vomit at the end of the night. And then the chundamaster would actually go round for each individual vomit pile and

score it. Sort of to praise it a bit like on Antiques Roadshow. I'm sure it was exactly like that, actually. And he'd give marks for size, volume, smell, texture. And bonus points for unusual items regurgitate. So this is why, you know, young 17-year-old students straight out of, you know, often the combatist or a wago, who just come to the big city to board at these colleges. And they've been forced to sort of swallow smurps or condoms full of sperm.

And then regurgitate these things back up. And the Chundermastermaster should be pointed out also did a taste test. Oh, come. Come on. I just think that... I swear, I swear this is true. I'm blowing the whistle on St Andrew's College on the day that he calls is in the news. This is the scoop.

This is the revenge. I like it. I mean, it amazes me that that format hasn't been adapted for reality TV, and why aren't we doing it? Wouldn't it be fantastic? Australia's biggest chunder. Junder down under. You guys are just going round celebrities. Celebrity.

Handel. Get the Battle of the codes, I'm thinking. Did you do the thing where they dump you in the middle of nowhere and you've got to find your way back? That always sounded quite terrifying, really. No, but that's a real thing. For those that don't know that, I can't remember the name of that. Walkabout. Well done.

Thank God that was voluntary. Most things weren't kind of voluntary, but there's not a peer pressure to do them. But even that one, there'd been so many horror stories that they sort of didn't put as much pressure on you to participate. And there were kind of a, you know, 20 students who were bang up for sort of the greatest idea ever. And then there was everyone else who was sensible. So for those that don't know about this, it was literally, it was sort of a kidnap situation

where you were literally blindfolded and bundled into a car and dumped somewhere, with no phone, no money, and you were on your own. And I'm not just talking about they'd dump you, I don't know, a few suburbs away. Sometimes people ended up like in the middle of South Australia, I think. They were very elaborate, you know, people drive for days to execute these book about. Yeah, I think Sarah Kendall ended up in the Northern Territory. What college did she go to? She went to St. Andrew, isn't it?

Oh, no, Wesley. She went to Wesley. And she ended up in the Northern Territory. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, what we now know is that anyone who ended up that far away from their college should have been thankful. It was almost being helped out. We're helping you escape. And there's no one season like that at the time.

They all come crawling back. Yeah, yeah, to play the chunder game. Yeah. If nothing else, I think there's just, it's not just a problem with St. Paul's College. It's clearly a problem with every college in this country that, A, all of the youth here drink to me. much. B. All of the youth here haze too much for some reason still in 2021 and see we should just stop assaulting women. That would be like the best option. In fact there's loads of corporations out there called like end rape on campus who have done thousands of investigations into heaps and

heaps of universities about this and I do agree that like yes it's fun when an all boys school wants to open up to women and then assume that women would ever want to go there but it's the same with almost every university. They all have a problem with this. So, I don't know. Maybe a game of Edward 40 hands would figure it all out. But yeah, definitely an issue.

Maybe we should just ban education. Is that the solution? Because it seems where you have students learning, you have trouble. Yeah. So if we actually, maybe the Morrison Coalition government's onto something by pulling money out of the education system.

Because on the surface, it looks like that's quite a harsh policy of, you know, sort of coming down the country. But they're actually... It's actually very amazing. By making Australia safer by eradicating all students.

Yes. It's also just young people, whether they play sport or go to uni, I think if everyone between the ages of about 15 and 25 was simply incarcerated for that decade, you would have this problem. That's good. So we need to bring in national service or something.

Or national incarceration. Like, because even national service is a problem, because you've still got dormitories and all of that. Just put everyone in an individual cell for the 10 years of their life between 15 and 25. And even then they still get moonshine on the inside. I don't know.

I think the lockdown. I think lockdowns have been the way to go. Because then everyone's stuck at home. With no access to Jimmy Brings. Well, a lot of obviously, you know, students have been through year 11 and 12 over the last couple of years. We've very accustomed to lockdown. It's almost, they're more used to that.

than the opposite. Yeah. So if you just extend their lockdown until they're, what do you think is an appropriate age? 31. 40. 70. 71.

I reckon by the time you're 71, anything chaotic that comes out of your mouth is just considered old people stuff. Yeah. Because the thing that we always forget, I mean, as a young person, although I will say thanks, Dom, for ending the cutoff at my age, as a resident young person,

all young people grow into old people, and look how that works out. I just think it's sad that in Chris Taylor we have the only person in the history of St. Paul's College she went there wanting to drink tea other than alcohol and was so grievously disappointed. That's such a shame. It's very true. Oh, wow. Excellent.

Thank you, Chris. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch. in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at fizz.ca. Just before we go, Charles and Gabby, I went to the gym this morning. I'm so sorry. For the first time in months, it was just a terrible idea. Yeah. I mean, not just for the obvious reason.

Why do you think I'm saying it's a terrible idea? Let's just paint a picture for the listeners, which is that Dom, you know how you have really chiseled people on... What are you trying to say about? your own friend. You know, Dom is... Abundant.

I'm just saying there hasn't been a chisel near Dom in many years. Oh. Well, I'm trying. So I went to the gym this morning. And it was actually quite scary. They didn't check my vaccination status at all. Oh, really? They didn't check any of the vaccination status of anybody walking into the gym.

Wait a minute. Which gym is this? I don't want to go to that gym. I don't want to name. They wore their masks as chin warmers, like all of the stuff. I saw three or four stuff. The mask was just sitting on the chin. But that's actually legitimate, Dom, because I found out

that not a single case of COVID has been transmitted through a chin. Through a chin, yeah. So it either means that either they don't care about spreading COVID, they don't have a COVID-safe plan, or they're very, very weak and can't lift the mask over there. I'm not sure which it is. Then, so I'm doing the exercise bike, and it was right in between two other bikes,

way too close together. And soon there was an elderly woman on either side, and I was sucking in old person aerosols. Good for you. And so then I'm like fenced in by the, there's two women on the bike and I checked my phone to see the news and I read 15 cases of COVID linked to inner city gym. I'm going, surely this is this one. It wasn't. It turned out it was in Darlinghurst. It was my old gym. Yeah, yeah. But where I leave is full of hippies,

right? So there's probably the grandmas on the other side were not vaxed. And I was getting very scared and worried about being in the gym and I thought, this is unhealthy. But then I realized that there's actually a better way, right? If I want to get fit, if I want to. If I want to to get in shape, all I need to do is absolutely nothing. Don't watch what I eat, don't work out, I just do what I do, and I assume the technology will come and fix my whole problem, make me chiseled and buff and live forever. You can be incredibly good looking by 2050 under this plan. Yeah, just believe and you can achieve them.

And if you take into account the sort of your 20s when you actually were quite sort of fit and apply them, then you can probably wait until 2060. Oh, for the credits that I got. Yeah, you get the credits. Yeah, I wasn't that fit in my 20s. But anyway, but I don't care whether it's a new heart or like cholesterol-leading nanoparticles or an MRI vaccine against being a lazy slope.

I reckon they're going to put the work in to develop it. I'm just going to free ride off that. Yes. And if anyone criticises me for saying you're not trying to lose weight or be healthy, like my cardiologist, I'll just say, no, I'm losing weight, the Australian way. Our microphones are from road. They are.

And all our gears from Road. Yeah, and our non-micophone gear too. Thank you, Road. We're also part of the A-Cast, Traitor Network. Remember to subscribe to us and leave a five-star review on iTunes. Yes, please. And tell all your friends about us. Yep.

Tell them how much you love us. Yep. Tell them how much you love me. Charles, they've already indulge you enough by listening this long. Yeah. Okay. See ya.