The Chaser Report - Espionage à Trois

Episode Date: February 13, 2022

Happy Valentines Day from The Chaser Report! <3 Because we love you so much we have given you a Chaser Report episode about why ASIO says you aren't hot, how to destroy important documents, and why Valentines Day brings none of us joy anymore. Love you too! xoxo Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Monday the 14th of February, which is Valentine's Day. We've got wonderful couples here, Charles Firth. We've got Gabby Bolt, Alex of Ulavich, and I'm Dom Knight. What an awesome forsome this could be. Oh, no. I'm resigning.

I'm on board with Dom. I just meant creatively. Creatively. All of it. Romantically. What's everyone doing for Valentine's Day? I've booked. Fuck all.

I'm here. I've booked a restaurant to go to tonight. We've booked a restaurant to go to. I've just realized that actually, the last time I did that, which was a few years ago, it's an awful experience. Yes. Like going to valent, because they go, oh, we've got a set menu tonight. Because every cunt and their girlfriend is out. Dry toast and for dessert, you can have sort of a dessert that we made five hours.

ago. I hear that's an aphrodisiac. Old is it. The only time Valentine's Day is ever good is in high school when you're on SRC and it's your job to just fucking annoy people all day. I had to give flowers out and then we just got to the point where we started just giving flowers to people who definitely didn't get any. We had a pretty cool one.

Pretty similar but we would go from class to class like a group of musicians would do love song dedications. So you pay for a love song dedication and then we show up and do it. but this was meant to be for one period and we had so much fun with it that we decided just to keep doing them and making up people who dedicated them to other people

so we're like go into like a maths class and be like oh this one's from Jason to Mr Larkos here you go and we start singing like let's groove tonight that's so fun

why don't you do that on the podcast people receiving them but what why doesn't you do that why doesn't just come in the podcast and start doing love song dedications everyone hates each other in this office no one would find that funny we'd all just be upset

if you want to love song dedication, email podcast at chaser.com.com. And we will do them. Or at least Gabby and Alexa will do them for you. Yeah, fine. I've got a very exciting Valentine's Day this year. Oh, yeah? This one's really new.

What are you doing? Well, COVID's changed everything. And my girlfriend currently has COVID and she's isolating and I don't have it. So from how I understand it, I think I'm single now. Yeah, that'll go down really well. I think she can't do anything about it. On Valentine's Day, you're giving her a call today and just being like, hey, it's a great day to be single. But I just, I feel like there should be some kind of cultural understanding for like,

because COVID's new and we don't know what to do with it and how that affects relationships. I think once. Yeah, the rules are there to be made. Yeah. And so I just need to start doing it. And everyone be like, oh, this is just what happens with COVID. Yes. And probably there's a rule somewhere.

Like you can probably look at the New South Wales Health website and point to a rule and go, see, it's actually that. means that I'm allowed to fuck around. Because you're meant to have an intimate partner, right? Yes. But you can visit. Yes. But you're not allowed to visit them if they have COVID. No.

I'm just fulfilling that I need an intimate partner. Oh my God. Well, I think we hold him to this theory. And in a week, we see if he is still just Valentine's Day single or if he's managed to salvage whatever conversation you're about. I think it'll be fine. There's not an obvious solution. You just do an out of love song dedication.

I'm all out of love. That's it. Coming up on the show, we've got a report about ASIO from Alexa and Gabi. And what's going on with Asia? Well, ASIO is deciding the hot or not list for 2022. Important work. I won't elaborate until later. Plus, we head over to the US where Dom has some stuff about Trump.

Yeah, yay. I've got some useful small business tips. Let's just put it that way. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Minow in the Chaser Newsrooms. The entire population of Australia has curled up in a ball and died after Scott Morrison appeared on 60 Minutes last night. Scientists say it is the most deaths ever caused by a ukulele. Meanwhile, Scott Morrison has denied a leadership spill is imminent.

The Prime Minister said his job is as safe as children driving forklifts. The Australian Labour Party strategists say they have got the next election in the bag as long as nobody announces a policy. Labour insiders last night hatched a plan to have leader Anthony Albanese kidnapped and held hostage until after the election to ensure he doesn't go full-shorten and start announcing policies. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. Remember to subscribe to the Chaser Report wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno. So Azeo, they are now deciders of who is hot or not. Really? Mm-hmm. Yep. Someone had to do it. Like even more than Triple J.

Yeah. And is this because they surveil lots of people so they're in the best position? Yeah. They know what your dating prospects are. Yes. They know everything. Yeah.

They've got all the photos off your phone that you kept in the secret folder. Yeah. So recently, James Patterson, representative of Aesio, I think. Oh, no, he's the head of the chair of security, isn't he? I can't tell whether he's engaged. should probably research before I talk about things.

He's the guy who reads out tweets in Senate estimates. Oh, classic. Oh, well, we love him. We love you, James. James, read this one out, buddy. He went on the news recently to sort of talk about cybersecurity, and he had a very interesting way of doing it. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

If you're a six and they're a ten, it might not be your looks that they've been charmed by. It might be your access to classified information. Wow. So if you're a six and a ten approaches you and wants to. and wants to have sex with you. And this is a good warning on Valentine's Day. It's great. Yeah.

It's not because you're attractive or interesting to them in any way. It's actually because they want to find out the first primary school you went to, the name of your mom's maiden name and your first dog. And is this because James Patterson has been told this by ASIO? I think maybe that might be. I hate. Because I feel like he's up to the numbers a bit. I think they came to him and said if you're a three and you get approached by a seven.

Well, it just brings up a whole new kettle of. Or not worms, doesn't it? Because then you kind of go, hold on, what is the ruling for who is a six and who's a five? Like, Aesio on their off time at lunch break being like, oh, you know what? This person is a five. Yes. I guess this is she first come up with George Christensen, right? A two, yeah, definitely.

Yeah, I mean, I guess George is the two here, but figured in Manila he was rich enough that he was a four, I don't know, but... Well, I think we make like Azeo. and we start rating everybody we talk about because I think it makes things way more fun. I'm not a big fan. I think this is a big conspiracy on the part of Azeo. If you think about it, who works for Azeo? They're a bunch of nerds.

They're all obviously fives. Right. And I think they're trying to make it harder for tens to date. I think you are, this is very suspicious, though, Alexa, because you're a 10. Yes. Or at least a 9.5. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I think what's going on here is you're against this. method because you are a spy. What have I done on this podcast to make you think I'm a spy? Alexa, if you're a spy, you're shit at it. If I'm being completely honest, you... No, but that's what you would... That's what you would want from a spy, somebody who doesn't look like a spy

because it looks like he'd be shit at it. No, no, I'm not saying he should have it because he doesn't look like a spy. I'm saying he shitted it because he openly discusses drone striking on this podcast. So what is... What is his rating? I'm not rating people.

Hang on. It's for national security. You can't just not rate people. Guys, I, whoa. So wait a minute, what am I? Oh, Charles, do you want me to answer honestly? Honestly, yeah. No, actually, it's fine.

You're married. Somebody settled. Well, wait, what are we, are we rating you now or like? Yeah, now. Can we have some time or? Oh, well, back when I was really swat. Back when you were single and. No, no, I think you should rate me now.

Believe me, I was there. Yeah, Charles has only got a high rating. Okay, Charles, aye. Okay, you know what? Fine. I will take one for the team. You know what? When you were 21, I think you would have been a seven.

But you hung out with Craig Rucasel, which by comparison made you a four. Well, that's, but Craig, I think, was a spy, definitely. Oh, yeah. Because he was a 10. And that's why he's a 10. Yeah, yeah. Craig, if you listen to this, never bring this up to me. So, wait a minute.

I'm a four now. Oh, now? Oh, on uni, you were probably a three. Like, it was pretty clear that the women in the documentary viewed you as a three. No, but you had a very, very beautiful girl who was in love with you. Spy. Yeah. Spy.

Oh, no. It was a spy. It was a trap. Espionage. Espionage atro. So what Aesio is saying to people like me who are not very attractive is that if you've ever felt yourself unworthy to date people who are very good looking, That's the official position of the Australian government. I will say we're all ones to talk because we literally have the face for radio.

Did you just say we're all ones? Yes. Did they make the case for why it's bad to be honey potted? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just like I can get a ten and I do have these government secrets. Like what's the downside? Yeah. Who's the loser here?

What is living in your shoes like? I'm sitting here with like the lowest. self-esteem I think I've ever had. I'm like, you know what? This isn't an issue for me. I'm never dating 10s. Like, it's fine. No, no, but wouldn't you? Yeah, I think Alex has got a point, which is, I think if a 10 came up to me and went, yeah, let's do it. You would just go and, oh, I'd sell out your country. You'd be like, yeah, okay, whatever. I get to sex with the team.

So basically what they're saying is if you're unattractive, join A's, you'll get access to incredibly attractive lovers. It's your only chance. the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. Have you guys noticed how Donald Trump is back in the news again, despite being this kind of weird retiree just sitting in the news? He's just in the news.

I missed him. Once again, all the time. There've been heaps of scandals coming out, and this is all stemming from the little coup that happened in January last year and all the investigations that are following. And it's become clear that he's had some big problems with maintaining the records of his time as president. I mean, who would have thought he'd be.

sloppy and slap dash, about something like that. But the useful thing is, there's some very helpful tips for small business in all this. Because Charles, when you and I are directors of the Chaser Company, we know that it is our duty to destroy incriminating documents. Yes, that's right. That's what you've got to do? I mean, Gabby and Alex, I know you're relatively new to these. If there's any bit of documents, anything that might come out in a lawsuit, they might make it look bag, you've got to destroy it. And while technically illegal, the whole point is if you do it well enough,

And they say you destroyed the documents, you go, what documents? And they can't prove anything because you've destroyed them really well. So does that mean that none of us are actually hired here properly? Because every contract we've ever signed, you've just... Look, not only are you not hired here, this doesn't even exist. Oh, nice. Okay, I get it now. It's a pretty simple equation.

Like, if the document means you're going to jail, either you destroy it and you don't have to go to jail or you have to go to jail slightly longer because you destroyed a document. It's a pretty simple equation. How do they prove it? How did he destroy it? So this is the thing. So in the US, there's a Presidential Records Act that says you've got to keep all the paper from every presidency for the National Archives administration. It all goes to the presidential library and all that.

It also helps investigations like the one that Congress is running into whether the president tried to mount a coup. But what Donald Trump has been doing for many years, and this is a totally normal big business thing to do, Whenever you finish a meeting about anything, you get the piece of paper and you tear it in half. Oh, like our meetings. Yeah, that's something he's done like his whole career. Just finish a meeting, rip! There you go. Get rid of it.

And so they tried for years to say, Mr. President, you're not actually supposed to rip the paper up after the meeting. And he just kept doing it. Why, it's fun. So they had to hire people to sticky tape them back together. So there are boxes of documents that have been given over. All of it sticky tape back together because Trump just kept. get ripping it. Well, I mean, that's his angle, though.

He's a jobs creator. He rips paper, pays people to put it back together. And I tell you what, as a fan of puzzles, it's the best job in the fucking world. But then, the plot thickens, because it turned out, it was not a surprise to anyone in this podcast that Donald Trump spent a lot of time in the toilet. Like, that's when he did his best tweeting. Yes. But it's just been revealed late last week.

Maggie Haberman for the New York Times had an exclusive that he actually flushed a lot of sensitive documents down the toilet. The question I have is, did he wipe with them, though? I'm not sure. Because that's what I want to know. So they kept clogging the White House toilets. Oh. And so the engineer would come and have to sort of unblock the toilet.

And they'd pull all the paper out and still left the Senate of the National Archives. Oh, no. What? Really? Well, because you've got every bit of paper the president touches has to go in the archive. That's the law. That's amazing. This is literally the plot to national treasure.

That's great. The president's sheet. Nicholas Cage heard about this and went, I will do it. They'll be disgusting. So they have to keep the toilet paper. The turd flushes. Yep, they got to keep them. I love this.

But it also explains one of the strangest moments of the Trump presidency, where he seemed to get a bee in his bonnet about a very weird issue. Listen to this. People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. They end up using more warm. Water. So EPA is looking at that very strongly at my suggestion. Environmental thing. He complained about toilets not like getting the stuff through.

So that they didn't work well enough to flush documents, clearly. Wow. So that's what was going on. So he's so narcissistic. He thought it was just a general problem that everyone faced. People couldn't destroy their documents well enough. But the thing is Trump isn't good at this, right? Like they're ripping up.

That didn't work. People stuck them back together. Down the toilet. That didn't work. Some of them went into burn bags and they managed to salvage those. But then the other thing he did, and this has also been revealed last week, is he just took bunches of documents down to Mar-A-Lago, even ones Mark Top Secret.

He just grabbed and just took them to his house. So that failed too, because he's had to handle all those ones over as well. So my question to you guys is, clearly Trump does not understand how to destroy documents. Yes. What should he have done? Well, what we do in this office is you get a little binfire going. Because fire destroys paper.

Yeah, what the hell's a burn bag? I mean, everyone described his presidency has a bin fire for four years, and he didn't actually have any actual bin fires. Yeah, true. I suppose burning would be the smartest thing, but I mean, I'm a fan of innovative design. Actually, do I say this? What?

Yeah, I'll say it. Well, I think I've seen enough people do this to know that it wouldn't kill you, right? You can eat paper. Oh, yeah. Oh, he is McDonald's. You've never seen him eat paper. I feel like you can't eat a lot of it. You could eat a note or two, though.

Yeah. You know, like the order to defraud the government. Yeah. Like, you could eat. You could eat that. Every meeting, you should have just had a little snacky snack at the end. You can't find it then. There's no way.

So basically the New York Times has said that the biggest problem Trump had is that he was too busy getting his aides to try to steal the election instead of packing up and destroying the documents properly. So that's the biggest tip. If you are trying to destroy a whole lot of paper, don't also try and steal an election. He was in a rush. He was doing too much. Yes, multitasking. Yeah, it's hard. When I destroy my documents, my focus is firmly on that one job.

100%. Oh, by the way, Charles, you wanted us to handle the... Yeah, if you could just... We'll just put it into the fire over there as you lead. Oh, okay. Oh, that's what that's for. Right, great, easy. Our gear is from Road Microphones.

We're part of the A-Cast Created Network. Catch you this afternoon. Thank you.