The Chaser Report - Exclusive: Where Are The AUKUS Submarines Being Kept?

Episode Date: March 24, 2024

Charles debriefs Dom on his adventures with spies using a very convenient loophole that means he can yap about whatever he wants. Using this loophole, Charles shares that he legitimately knows where the AUKUS submarines are being kept. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles, what a week it's been of news, so much that we've discussed. What are we going to do? It's Monday morning. It's the start of another intense week on, you know, I think Parliament might be sitting this week. Yeah.

Well, I don't care about with it. Why don't we just talk, how are you? Can we talk about something else? I'm just a bit exhausted by all this news. I actually can't disclose that, Dom, anymore, sorry. You went to that spy thing last week, didn't you? We did a whole episode. I was wondering if you're going to get in trouble, actually,

for publishing the chat we had last week about your lecture at the National Security College. I thought it was probably not the most prudent thing while going to a gig for spies, talk about how you're going to a gig for spies. But I admired that as part of your operation, blew out everything all the time. Yeah, it's my chutzpah, right?

But then I arrived there. And, well, frankly, Dom, I can't tell you anything. I can't tell you anything because it was Chatham House rule. You know the Chatham House rule? Isn't that some sort of British aristocratic thing where you can talk freely amongst... Yeah, yeah, to encourage free speaking and freedom of thought and intellectual rigour, everything's secret? That's such a good system. Yeah, yeah.

Because it kind of protects you from being cancelled. That's basically the point, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can have a conversation and railing. against whatever you like, including your friends and whatever. Oh, yes. And no one says so you don't get cancer. I mean, I can't tell you how many racist epithets are used and sexist and misogynistic epithets

are used because it's Chatterson House rules, so I can't actually disclose that. But yeah, I was so, it was so liberating, Dom, to have the freedom to talk freely. Because I think that's, you know, that's what you want out of a democracy is secrecy. It's more secrecy. Okay, so Chatham House rules will apply to this podcast. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's a good way. That's a good way around talking about it.

Yeah, because basically, if you listen to this podcast, you promise not to reveal anything that we've said on it. You can't cancel us for it. So one of the rules of Chatham House is that you are allowed to discuss the topics. Oh, the topics. And the ideas. And actually, you're allowed to disclose the information that you get. You're just not allowed to source it back to that event.

All right. So the point is, I can tell you what happened, but you've just got to guess where I got that information from. All right, it's be fun. Let's get into that after this. What's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribai you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has.

you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy zero dollar delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Charles, there's so many things we could discuss under Chatham House rules, really. Yes. Like, we could say who the most unpopular member of the chaser is. Yes. Uh, which one has the biggest personal problems. Oh, yeah. Well, that's, who's going to be the first one to die? I think is something that, I mean, We've been betting on that for a while. What else? We could talk about how shit Kevin Rudd is.

Or, you know, like, we can talk about global affairs under Chatham House. Oh, actually, we want the salacious stuff, don't we? Oh, yeah, because it's got to be the... Oh, that's actually, that's a problem with the plan, because what interesting gossip is there about of any of us anymore? None of us really did anything very interesting, even in the good days. Late 40, early 50s men. I don't remember any massive scandals or... Well, that's because we hushed them.

all up using Chatham House rules. Yes. Oh, the flings that were had, the spicy, no, God, we're so boring. Yeah, no, that's right. It was all really interesting. Gosh, amazing. If I could talk, Charles, the thing, if the chaser office had cameras in it, it would have got a whole bunch of people staring at screens and smelling because

they didn't wash. Okay, so tell us, under Chatham House rules, what did you discover? Well, I thought the most interesting thing was that they, Yeah, what was, I'm just trying to think of what the actual most interesting... I think that to me, the most interesting thing was that they... Just thinking about what he can say, they're getting in trouble. No, I'm just trying to think... I think the most interesting thing was my presentation, actually.

Oh, is it? I can talk about that. Sure. Because I was in a bit of a panic about it, to be honest. You're saying very panicky when we were brainstorming some ideas the other day. Because I didn't really know what I was going to say. And in actual fact, they explicitly said We just don't want you to talk about jokes

And it was true, like every joke I told fell flat Although I probably shouldn't disclose that under Chatham House rules In fact, I can't disclose whether you did well or not Yeah, okay But you know, like it was a very So they wanted you for the quality of your ideas Yes, I know, exactly And it's very strange

Yeah, and I did point out that actually Orcus has the perfect structure of a joke Like I said, you know, there is a lot of... There's a very close relationship between national security and... And humor. Because, like, Orcas, the whole point is it's like, you know, the premise... The structure of a joke is premise, advance twist, right? Yes.

The premise of Orcas is, we need to defend our country. The advance is, well, let's buy some subs from France. And the twist is, oh, no, there's not. I thought the twist is going to be that they'll never come. Yeah, I don't know, well, no, no, they'll come. They'll come. Aren't they the opposite of Chekhov's gun? Like, August's subs, the subs you know won't be delivered in time for the third hour.

Well, if you'd been listening to this podcast last week, you would know that one of the predictions I made is that the whole problem with the – because I had this fascinating conversation, which I can describe – oh, I can't just – I can't tell you where I got this information from. But essentially, the whole idea is the second-hand subs that we're getting from the US will probably end up coming here, partly because – do you know where they're going to be based? No, I've no idea where they're going to be based. Once they're given to us, guess where they're going to be based? I'm hoping a long way from where I am, given that they're nuclear. Yep, well. What, Cape York? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Adelaide. Isn't it always Adelaide? No, no, no, no. In fact, Darwin and, like, the Northern End is not even mentioned anywhere in the Yorkers Agreement. I think partly because I don't think the subs can actually get into Darwin. Oh. Like, I think it's too shallow around there. Like, these are not designed for Australian people.

So it's a combination of geography and indifference. Darwin will fall. You've got to think, where is the best access to the South China Sea? And it's clearly Perth. You know, it's Fremantle, right? But that's not where they're going to be based, right? So they'll turn up in Fremantle from time to time. Yeah.

And that's all, that's mentioned in New Yorkers' agreement. Guess where the subs are going to be based? I would base them in Nauru. They're not going to be based in Nauru. Where would you base the South? Gold Coast. No, Warner Brothers Movie World. You're thinking.

thinking along the wrong lines. This is the Orcus Agreement. Oh, okay. You're talking like Broome? No, you're thinking... Oh, sorry, it's the Orcus Agreement. Of course, are we based in America? Yes, that's right.

The official base, after we own the subs, is going to be America, right? Right. Of course, it all makes sense. So we're never getting the subs. They're going to be American subs. Crued by Americans, run out of America. Yes. But we've paid for.

And the Orca's agreement is we own them. Yeah. And that they'll occasionally turn up in Perth. There'll be, like, commitment to a constant rotation or something is the wording. Oh, so is that like how when you buy a house, you don't actually own the house, the bank owns the house? Yeah, yeah, but you are up for all the repairs. Yes, that's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And any financial loss. And also, you can't, you can't rent it out to anyone because somebody else is using it. It's almost like your mortgage, you buy a house from the bank and then the banker moves in. I mean, to be fair, all cynicism aside, Charles, this is the best information that's made me most confident about Orcas. Yes, because what the guy was saying is it means we'll definitely get, we'll get the US-based submarines, the second-hand ones. I mean, in the loosest definition of the word you get. Because it's only in their interest that we do, because it's all upside for them, all downside for us.

Sure. Like, yeah, so exactly right. That's why we should be very confident about that thing. But the other thing was, and this happened before the announcement, absolute genuine concern about the capacity of the UK to build a submarine. In fact, I mean, that was built into the, surely that Charles, I wasn't the only, like, that was the immediate reaction of everybody. Yes.

As soon as they said, submarines, ultimately the Orca submarines will come from the UK. Yes. Didn't we all just go, oh, do God, no. Yes. And so what our government did last. Friday, you know, just last week, was they announced that they're going to, they're going to plow $5 billion extra into the submarine industry to support... In the UK, the UK submarine industry.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I saw the announcement. This is Australian taxpayer dollar going to support local industry in the UK. In the UK. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's the role of governments is to support local industry in another country. Yeah. Because David Cameron came down here.

Yeah. And, I mean, but isn't this exactly why? what the whole point of Orcus is, is that it's basically just, we're basically just paying a tribute. It's a tribute. It's a tribute. I mean, normally you'd pay the tribute to the big dog.

I don't really understand why the UK is part of the deal. This is the thing that I'm a bit missed. Like, why is it Orchus? Why isn't just, why isn't it just, Alas? Why isn't it just Australia? Or, um, Australian national and US. Yeah, yeah, that's good, the AINS agreement. That's fantastic.

But it could be, it could be just be the USA, the US and Australia. Which is the same as the USA. That's what we should call it. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, but you know that we're also playing a whole lot of money into the US submarine industry, which doesn't even need it. And these aren't, this isn't to buy the subs.

This is literally just subsidies for their industry. Subsidies, good pun. It's the same thing that we would do for Adelaide, and we do for Adelaide for basically their entire existence or Hobart. You know, like we're, you know, because you're in a commonwealth and you're going, well, you know, there's a federal system, you know, living in Adelaide and Hobart sucks. Oh, yes. And you pay compensation to people who live in shitholes. Yeah, exactly. That's how we prop up the Commonwealth. I mean that in the nicest way. But Hobart's one of the best.

But now, they're collecting our tax dollars and giving it to sort of the Adelaide of Europe. Bing, that's, look, I've been to the UK many times. I've been Adelaide many times. Yeah. That's very unfair to Adelaide. And we do pick on Adelaide a bit. I know. But particularly during festival month, Charles, that's downright. You had a good time in Adelaide. I had a great time in Adelaide.

The UK is an absolute cesspit of a place. What I realised, Charles. Well, let's see, is it sort of the orange of Europe or the bathest of Europe? Those from the Central West who want to complain, it's podcast at chaser.com. Are you more in a moment? When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner.

Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer, so download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over deliver. Chaser report. News you know you can't trust. So this is really interesting. So David Cameron's come out here and gotten five billion dollars just for turning up. Yes. I mean, how do we have all this money? This is the thing that we find so strange. We don't have any money, Dom. We cannot afford an increase to job seeker. I think you just got to get, this is, this is about austerity,

Dom. This is about fiscal responsibility. The government can't just hand out money to people in Australian. I mean, let me just do the masses. So, five billion dollars. I'd see, I've seen my calculators. It's not that much per person. Just, it's not, don't worry, just don't think about it.

So, five billion dollars, yeah. Divided by 25 million. I don't think there's 25 million tax bucks. Oh, yeah, Australians. So including babies. So we're all putting in 200 bucks, even the baby, all 200 bucks. Yeah. To get Britain sweet.

Yeah. I mean, it's just like, it's so galling. But also, this is the great thing about Australia is, It's got bipartisan support. It's just the way the world works. Everyone's going, yeah, yeah, this is great. You know, it was Scott Morrison's idea. Great.

You know, like, let's keep going. And the thing is, as always with us, we'll just sort of muddle on. This is what Australia does. We just sort of muddle on, and the money will go out, and we won't get any submarines. And look, I mean, I... What could $200 per person buy? Like, what should we spend it on, if not submarines? I mean, how much cocaine of it?

There's stuff that's floated in offshore, would that get you? I'll tell you what? Enough cocaine to make Adelaide seem nice. I don't understand how we have enough money to afford that. And yet we can't solve housing. But they're different. We can't solve job keeper. Dom.

You know, when you do your household budget, you know, you divide it. Like, not all money is the same. Yeah. Like, I can't afford to buy food, but I've still got to pay. Your more expensive internet. Your reins. Yeah, yeah. And that's the same with this thing.

It's protection money. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, it's the one thing you can't. fall behind on you pay the local crime lord money and then you can run your business otherwise they burn it down the only problem with that metaphor dom is that could like i can't imagine that the you know sent preppy david cameron along and the conversation with alba was basically like nice country you've got here it'd be a pity if it broke some windows eh you know like what plausible that is that 11th you know what he did david is david is david cameron he said nice

you've got here we should have just poured him off with a pig we should have given him a pig farm yeah yeah that would have

been the way to go absolutely so so the point is like what I don't understand is what threat does the UK pose to us

that we need to pay them any tribute like why are they even part of the deal I don't understand I honestly don't understand why like we've been

so dependent on the US for our security and this is actually what my speech was about right so you know We all know why, which is Crosby Texter, that consulting firm, which is now moved into the US as the CT group,

they sewed up all the submarine manufacturers because they're now private military contractors. That's what they do. They're consulting. Wow, Crosby Texter have done so well for themselves, haven't they? They, meanwhile, had a person who used to work for them in Morrison's office. The chief of staff of Boris Johnson was from Crosby Texter. That's right. We did a whole podcast episode on this too.

And so what I said in my lecture was, Look, maybe the point about communicate, because they wanted to know how to communicate national security messages to a broader audience, right? And I said, look, you know, you can talk about China or Middle East. I'm sure you will a lot, you know, over the next two days if they do their conference. But perhaps the biggest national security threat comes from things like the CT group. And I got brought up the CT group's website. The front page of the CT group's website, which is Crosby Textor, is all about how to make money out of orchestra. Right?

That is literally their business model is how to profit out of the government's sort of largesse, right? Okay. So when the, so here's what I'm getting. It's just a business model. And I said that corrods national security far more than any sort of like China threat or something like that. So is the biggest, the threat comes from within. Is the biggest threat to Australia right now? Is it actually China or any of the other regional powers?

Or is it having to give the US and the UK countless billions of dollars? Yes. When you think they'd want. to protect this anyway, because we're friends. Is that what friendship is? I don't have to pay my friend now to help me. I'm in a tough spot. I said, you've already lost everyone under 35.

Everyone under 35, or in some cases, 45, can't afford their house, whether it's renting or buying, right? They're just desperate. Nobody has any economic security. Surely the foundation stone of national security is economic security. The Australian government's not doing that. And yet it's sending all its money overseas. Like, it's just ass backwards.

The biggest threat is from corruption like augurs and other corruption like PWC, like PWC is just completely corrods everyone's opinion of the government to do anything. And you're going, that's the biggest threat to national security. The threat is from within. It's from private rent seekers just ripping us off. That's a very strong analysis. I think your trip to Canberra was actually worthwhile because that's how the world works. On a related note, Charles, how do I get me some of that sweet rent?

Yeah, I think we need. That sounds pretty good. Just transfer your rent. We'll set it up as a pay ID. Podcast at chaser.com. A.U., just give us money or we won't be there for you in the event that China attacks you. Yes, we should just threaten our listeners. Yep.

And then they could play tribute. Pay us money or, in the event that China attacks you, we won't be there for you. That's the deal. I love it. You know, if you can get CT to spin that. We should set up our own consulting. firm to teach people how to do this. It could be like...

A first night. Firk you. That's fantastic. All right. We're doing that. Well, fuck you. Okay. Our Gary is from Ride, our part of the Icotic class network.

And we're coming to get you on this. You see this money. Is that a threat made by an electronic wire service in the future of federal law? Yeah. Probably. Chatham House rules though. No one can report it. Oh, you can't report it.

You can't report it. You just say, I received a threat. But because it's under Chatham House rules, I can't dare where it's from. Catch you in the next podcast. say out. Say yeah. Say it. What's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribai you ordered without even

leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries, that over-deliver.