The Chaser Report - Exposing Aussie Icon's SHOCKING Secret

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

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The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Dom, I've got a bit of a confession. What's your confession? You know how when people get uber famous and celebrities, you know, like us. Like us, yeah, their vices come to the fall. Oh, it does happen, doesn't it? They get caught doing lots of drugs or, you know, harassing tons of women.

Is this a precursor to saying that the tabloids are on to you, first, at last? Well, they probably will be after I expose myself. I mean, you know, not like that, but like, I confess. Thank God it's an audio medium. What I did at the end of last week. So, stick around. Normally, this is a topical podcast looking at the day's news. Charles is claiming that what is going to tell us would make the news if it weren't published here first.

So we're actually making news before it appears in the news. years at this point. So my confession is that on my birthday, which was last week. Happy 60th. I wanted to make a bolognese of the family. So your birthday present to yourself was making spaghetti bolognais for the family. We didn't have any mince meat. Well, we had mince meat, but it was over the use by date.

So chucked it out. And I could not be bothered walking down to the local I joke, which is literally not very far away. Yeah, about a 10 minute walk from your place, isn't it? So I download. the Milk Run app. Oh, yes. And I decided to, and I know it's been bought by Woolies. I know it's completely, like, dealing with the most evil corporation in Australia,

except for all the other ones. That tells us, it's not run by Qantas. What are you talking about? That's right. And I tried Milk Run. And can I tell you, it is possibly the worst service I have ever encountered across any capitalist system ever in the history of, like, I'm 48 now, and it is by far the worst thing.

So I used Milk Run quite a bit during the pandemic, as many of it did. Unfortunately, the people who started Milk Run felt during the course of the pandemic, whenever I wanted to stay at home, was desperate to get things delivered, like rapid antigen tests. They mistook that for a genuine business model going forward. And so it all went under. And they also, you know the other problem with Milk Runners that they insisted on paying their staff proper wages? They actually had salaried staff. I'm sure Willis have fixed that problem.

Yeah, no. When I see things being brought by Uber drivers under their model, yeah, you know that that's not the case anymore. So, yeah, so Milk Run used to be quite good in a way that made it impossible for it to make any money or survive. But then in its dying moments, just when you thought they were closed forever, they sold the brand probably for 10 cents to Woolies, who rebranded their Metro 60 service as Milk Run. And then suddenly the app turned from green to blue, and there we go.

I mean, I've got a one-year-old, so I do occasionally use that kind of service. Well, let me tell you, let me tell you how this worked. So it was 4.30 on a Thursday afternoon. Yeah, off peak. I placed an order for 500 grams of mince, meat, and, I don't know, some chocolate and some chips and stuff like that to get it up to 20 bucks, right? Never done it before, so I just thought, oh, well, you know, we'll see how it goes. And it was great.

It said, oh, it'll be there in 27 minutes or something. It was going to be like 503 p.m. Isn't it a good way because you like a specific number, like not about 20? It's exactly 27. It gives you confidence. So then cooking, cooking, and then I realized, oh, actually, I'd need a few other ingredients. Oh, I won't reorder from Milk Grown. So I did actually walk down to the shops.

Anyway, right. My wife calls me, so I'm taking a bit of time at the shops. And my wife calls me and she said, look, this is about 5.30 at this point. You know what? The Milk Run guy still hasn't arrived. Do you want to just pick up some mince anyway? So I did. So made the nice bolognaise and everything like that.

Pretty much forgot about Milkrun. It was about 830 that. night that I went, hang on, Melkron's still, like, still end of the mincemeat. Like, you know, like, I can use it on something else later on, but, you know, to ring up Melcrun. And at this point, it's gone, oh, it will be here in 27 minutes, which is now 9.04 p.m.

You know, like, it just kept on creeping up by 27 minutes every 27 minutes. And so I ring up the Melkrun people and go, this is sort of a bit crazy. And then they go, oh, yeah, we'll look into it and everything like that. And then eventually they go, oh, yeah, so it turns out that what has happened is that nobody has picked up your bag, right? And I go, no shit show, like, yes, you're right. Like, that is what I just explained to you. Anyway, so, but that makes me a little bit suspicious because it's like, well, hang on, does that mean that it's been there since 4.30? And nobody has picked up my bag means that it's just been sitting there since 4.30.

So eventually, about maybe 10 p.m. And so they go, we're terrible. sorry, I'll tell you what, we'll give you a $15 voucher for your next in the unlikely event you want to order something else. And I, and I said, all right, so you think that I'm going to, you know, use this service ever again? And the guy laughed at that point, yeah, well, whatever, yeah, a birthday, by the way. But I didn't really care because it was like, well, at least I'll get my fucking

mince made eventually. So then I arrive, it arrives. This is like, it's after 10. And, you know, the chocolate was fine. The mince meat is warm. Like, it's been sitting there for five... Like, I can't use five-hour room temperature mince meat. Would you?

Well, I mean, it depends if you want to survive. I mean, if you wanted to have a... I love Speedy Bellanade. It's one of my favourite things. I could imagine if I wanted to end it all... Yes, it's a great way to go. Mint's meat that's been out for a very long time on it, particularly was very hot last week. It was very hot.

Yeah, so... I would describe it as tepid mince meat. Yeah. And it also had started to brown. Wow. Yeah. A delicious petri dish of air-worned mince. But you know, it's a strange thing, because by there, it was my birthday night. Like, I had had probably too much to drink by then, right.

So I threw the mincemead in the fridge, and it was only the next morning that I looked at it and went. Yeah, no, that's going straight in the bin. But, yeah, so there you go. So the point is, not only is milk run, like, evil to use. But it doesn't work. Like, like, it just doesn't. Doesn't work. The funny thing about this, Charles, that I know, because I've used this service, as I say,

because I have tiny children, it's quite often the case that, you know, you want nappies at the last minute or something. Yeah, so if you're wanting nappies in five hours time, you obviously don't get something fresh. But I know how it works. And the way that it works is that they get a bunch of, they've got a whole army of minions because they're Woolies. I get a sort of low paid minions.

The minions go and pick stuff off the shelves and put them in a bag. Then it sits in a refrigerated spot. I actually got fridges in Woolie's supermarkets now. you'll see them near the entrance where the drivers come and get the stuff. If it's got cold stuff, there's usually a bag that's cold and a bag that's warm or whatever, like a room temperature bag. And so how you're, it must have taken a particular degree of negligence for your mincemeat to be out in the air because they do actually have fridges for that purpose.

And but it would have travelled on the back of the, I don't know, the bikers, the bike or the car or whatever. It's possible that it was so hot that it just managed to cook on the way from Wollichie. But no, so the great thing about milk run. Charles is it you would have paid a lot more than regular mints for that to be brought to you. It's fantastically expensive. Oh yeah. It was expensive. It was warm. It was

unusable. And look, that's my confession. Because, you know, like everyone goes through vices and mine was that I submitted to buying from the Colesworth duopoly. And I know that they're evil. I know that essentially, but what do you do? What can you do when you...

I mean, this is the genius of the gig economy, is that it's got to the point where there's absolutely no winners. I don't know if you've looked at the prices on like Uber Eats or whatever recently, because all the competitors have gone bankrupt, like Deliveroo, what the other ones, they're about five or six of them at one point. And they're just all gone. I can't remember the names of all them now, but they're at least five or six different. Well, there's menu log.

That's still a door dash. But there were three or four other ones. There was that posh one at Provador or something. Yeah, there are a whole bunch of them. And what's happened is that they've been slowly forced to pay more wages, partly because you remember there was that period when all the Uber drivers got killed. I blame our boat. The delivery drivers got killed.

Yes. What's happened is the Labor government has been elected. Coming in, enforcing labour standards. Oh, God. I presume that there aren't actually labour standards. Like, I presume that they're not getting actually paid by the hour, right? Yeah. I assume that it's getting a little bit more.

They wouldn't do that. Because what they've done now is that there's every time you do that, there's a delivery fee, but there's also a service fee. Now, you might say, well, surely their service is delivering things. That's what their service is. But they've basically made it twice as expensive in terms of the fee side of it. So it's incredibly, so it's a vicious circle because no one ever uses it. So they charge more fees.

Yes. So that every time use it. Basically it's... So they've adopted the Ticka Tech model. Yes, that's right. What they've managed to do, and full credit to them is we know all businesses go digital. They've managed to figure out a way to combine the poor range, the shitty, quality and vastly expensive prices of convenience stores.

So it used to be you're ordering from a supermarket. Now you're ordering from a, it feels like ordering from a convenience store with all the randomness of, like I swear most times I go into a convenience store, the guy just makes up a price. Yes. And then doubles it. Well, the convenience store that we're near where we live. I actually said to the guy once, why don't you just put prices?

Like, it just feels really dodgy the way there are no prices on any products. Because he gets really, because I often go to the counter. and say, how much is this? That's a tough question at a convenience store. Yeah, and he sort of gets really annoyed having to scan in something. And I go, I don't want that. And he'll go, well, you've got to put it back. And it's like, why do I have to put it back?

Like, how else? Like, isn't that your job because you made it so inconvenient to find out the price? Well, the convenience is for him. Because you could put it back. I know. Charles, we're just sitting here railing against people who don't earn very much money. I got into a real argument with the guy because I just saw it because I was trying to explain him.

It just feels really dodgy The fact that you just, like, you don't tell us your price. And it's at this point I want to pay credit to 7-Eleven where you can always see just too much you're getting stung for before you... Yes. They're very upfront about, yeah, this is $20.

We know it should cost two. Yes. But at least you know what it is. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. You know, the strange thing about Japan, I said it's before on the podcast, is that they actually charge low prices at convenience.

stores. They're on every corner and the prices are low. Now, I presume that's because the wage is $2 an hour or something. But you do use them. I wonder if convenience stores have ever thought. Perhaps if we charge non-insane prices, people would actually buy more things from it. Well, it's interesting because here in New South Wales, OTR is about to take over all the Coles Express convenience stores. Oh, what's OTR? OTR is a South Australian-based convenience store chain. and their innovation is to have a look at whatever 7-11 charges, and I think quadruple the price. Oh, that's pretty good.

So the stereotype was always it's worth 7, you pay 11. So at OTR you're paying 44, is that? Yeah, yeah. Okay, this is a shit. Like, I'm pretty sure. $7.44. Cornettos are like $9. I'm amazed.

It wouldn't be double figures. Yeah. I know, bargain. Should buy one off, Melcrunt. This has been the most middle-aged dad conversation we've ever had on the podcast. That said, if you relate, please give us a fine. star review and just mention it or email podcast at chaser.com.com. Because, I mean, we are old and lazy.

We want people to bring a shit. We don't want to have to leave the house. We want things to be brought to us for a reasonable massive searchage. No, but I don't think I do. I think I'm burned. I think that's it. No, we've stopped. We've basically stopped on Uber.

We did so much Uberites and all that during the pandemic. And we've now just, we can't do it because it's always cold. What I did is I invested in a backpack. And I, whenever my wife wants to get Uber Eats, because she's still like doing that sort of thing, I go, oh, well, I'll go and get the food. Yeah. And so I just get to charge your delivery fee in a service fee. I just go out on my bike. And it's always much quicker.

It's incredibly, like, because the thing that you don't realize about Uber Eats is, or I didn't know, was like the restaurants themselves have completely different prices on their Uber Eats menu than what you did get if you just turn up and say, I want to do some takeaway. No, that's right. Yeah. No, it's true. Everyone should, and I've studied this in great detail. The prices from the actual restaurant are jacked up even before you have the delivery fee and the service fee and the fee and the extra fee. That's right.

Turning up, particularly if you say you're just paying cash or whatever. They're so glad to have someone walking through the door who's not a fucking Uber rider that they'll probably give you a discount. Yes. So that's what I should have done with my mince meat is just. Well, there's a good business there. You know what you could do.

You could potentially offer just to nearby neighbors. Yes. But if they need something from the shops, that I'll get on my bike. You just pop up on your bike and get it. And because I've got them a backpack. Yeah. You got,

you got this, is it a reflective backpack? Big, big hot backpack, you know, keeps things warm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you do that. Then what you'll find, Charles, is that as you build your business, you can charge a giant surcharge. Just don't, light of them about what the prices are. Yes.

And you know the other thing Uber Eats does, of course. And I should do that with drugs. Yeah, you should. Yes. You know that Uber Eats, when they say it's $20 for a pizza or whatever, they're not giving the restaurant $20. They're giving them like 12. I do is I also just go and underpay everything.

So you... I should do that now. You chisel the restaurant. You chisel the customer. And I should do that to my wife. I should say, you know, oh yeah, this whole meal costs 50 bucks. But I'm thinking of, for instance... And then just pocket the other 30.

When my wife says to me, can you bring me a cup of tea? Previously, I've been thinking that as a chance to show affection. No. It's now it's a chance. Make money. It's for a margin. Yes. Yeah.

It's for a marker. I love this. Okay. Yes. And same with the kids. I mean, you know, like they're so used to getting their Bolognese for free. Well, also, if they want $10 for something, what's the service fee? And the delivery fee.

Well, I should start charging money on their pocket money. You should. There should be a percentage. I mean, that's what Apple will do when Apple pay. $6.95. Of the $10. Of the $10. Yeah.

That's a good idea. By the way, this podcast, it's going to cost you to listen to from now on. Yeah. There's a podcast, delivery fee. There's a service fee. In addition to the, like, the premium fee. Actually, we shouldn't even mention that because the premium... Do we have any premium listeners left at this point?

Do they... I'm a premium subscriber. It's only $4 a month. Come on. That's nothing. We put it down to a level where A, you could just subscribe out of sheer pity. And that B, people wouldn't complain as much as they didn't... We're going for the pity payment.

The pity payment, yeah. It's not Patreon, it's pity on. You know, because the Chaser runs on a sort of pity model, right? Sure. But the shot, which is the other publication... that we do, runs on a be really good at what you do model. And I'll tell you what, it's making

fucking shit done to me. Why don't you do that for the chaser? Like we keep on being able to get more writers and stuff and plow all the donations back into making it work. Because people write these cracker articles and everyone decides that they want to subscribe. Why do you still have the chaser then?

Shouldn't we shut this thing down? Subscribe to our podcast at Apple Podcasts or Acast Plus. It's $4 a month and frankly, at that price, you're being kind. You know what we should do? We should deliver this podcast by Milk Runn. We should get it.

No, we'll get sponsored by them. Actually, yes. Have we been sponsored? I don't think we've been sponsored by Milk Run before. And probably not for a while. No. Oh, well, thank you for making it this far. We appreciate it.

It didn't take as long as it took Charles's food to come, or indeed any Uber order that I ever did. What we should do is we should do a podcast where we order something from Milk Run and then we promised to do it for as long as it takes to get something. That actually is a good question. I don't know if there's a theoretical maximum duration of a podcast. Like, can you do a podcast episode that's a week long? Well, we'd have to.

Yeah, all right. Well, let's check it out. Thanks for listening to our gears from Road with part of the Iconoclass Network. And look, let us know if you hear any food service delivery ads during the course of this podcast, because that would be fucking ironic. See ya.