The Chaser Report - Extra - Bald Men Are More Likely to Get Covid-19

Episode Date: June 28, 2020

World headlines round up with Charles Firth, Andrew Hansen and Dom Knight. A man has been fined for farting in public. Nestle have finally decided to change the racist names of Redskins and Chicos. Bald men are more likely to get COVID, says research. Plus all the latest Chaser news you can't trust from Rebecca De Unamuno. 
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The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Deunamuno. Following a surge in coronavirus infections, Victoria has agreed to become the 51st state of America, making it the best performing state in the country. Donald Trump made the offer to buy Victoria after hearing that it was the worst performing state in Australia, much to the relief of the rest of the country. Mr Trump says he plans to make Victoria great again by cutting off their health care and getting rid of gun laws. Donald Trump's niece has hidden scandalous revelations from the president by putting them in a book. Mary Trump spent years searching for the safest place possible

before settling on a hardback of approximately 300 pages with no pictures. The publisher says the book will reveal never-before-heard information about the Trump family, including what the actual fuck is wrong with Donald. As pace grows against the social media giant, Coca-Cola has announced it's the latest advertiser to boycott Facebook, but the soft drink company has admitted it will still occasionally check out Facebook on its girlfriend's account. That's all the latest Chaser news headlines. Check outchaser.com.com.com for all the latest updates. Now it's time for a round-up of all the other breaking news stories with Dom, Charles and Andrew. Thank you very much, Beck. Welcome to this little Chaser report extra.

Oh, today, yes, we've got flagellants, we've got junk food being renamed, and we've got something about baldies. That's all happening right now in... International Global News World Roundup. Now I'm joined by my panel of newsie experts. Charles Firth and Dominic Knight. Hi there. My name's Andrew Hansen and I want to begin with farts.

They're in the news again. Oh, my goodness. It's a new staple, isn't it? Well, this time a man has copped a fine, not for avoiding coronavirus restrictions or anything like that. He's copped a fine for farting in a public place. This is an official, actual, policed thing. He's actually been issued with the fine of money that he has to pay. Is this because it can infect you with coronavirus?

Is it a sort of coronavirus thing? No, I don't think it is from reading the story. I think it's that his, what was described by police as a massive intestinal wind was considered illegal, illegal enough that you needed to be fine. I think that makes perfect sense. I mean, we've been using, the word that everyone's been using is aerosolize. You know, you aerosolize the virus when you cough. No one wants that.

No one wants your guts aerosolized. I think that's very sensible. What country is this in? Well, this is happening, it's in Austria, Charles. It's happening in the city of Vienna. I mean, why do you think farting in Austria in particular would be so illegal? Well, isn't it because, you know, isn't that how they set off the First World War? Was Archduke Ferdinand farted or something?

And then that lead, that would have to check the history books. It was in Mozart's time or something that was he popularized farts. Austria is the home of Mozart. And the fine is actually if you don't fart melodically, like if you don't sort of do, do, do, do, do, out of your bum sakes. Do they have a point system for the farts? So, like, you know, if you just have a silent wafter, it's like one point. But, you know, like if it's a sort of wet, wet blast, it's six points.

And then, or, you know, and a shart is the whole 12 points. You lose your license. You're not allowed to fart for the next six months or something. I think that makes sense. It's like the punishment should fit the severity of the crime. Absolutely. I mean, how should we do it, you know, country, do you think, Charles? I mean, you know, what measures should the Australian

police put in place to discourage farts? I think, I mean, the farts are deeply offensive things. I think, I mean, we really need to change the Crimes Act around and put farts right at the top of the crime, you know, at least. You know, a little bottom verb is probably, you know, I don't know, 15 years to life in jail. I would think, I would think RBT, random bum testing. And if there's any sort of lingering particles on the trousers, that's it. Just random spot checks. Yes.

I can see a lot of police volunteering for that duty. Well, but isn't the point that we should defund the police and set up a whole new unit just to deal with farts? Well, it's a social issue. It's a social issue. Look, I think we're on to something. Okay. Next story, guys, Nestle.

Nestle have finally decided to change the racist names of two of their lollies, the Redskins is going to be renamed, and Chikos, it's going to be renamed. I mean, let's just pick this through. I mean, I think it's overdue personally. But, Domney, what do you think? Can we brainstorm some new names? Because this is what they don't have. I mean, I'm shocked, Andrew.

I'm shocked by this news. I had no idea that Redskins and Chikos were still available. I haven't had a red skin since 1987. I'm amazed that there's not only, you know, still available, but under those names, couldn't you just be honest about what they are and just call them like redskins could be just red food colouring? That's all it is. And Chico should just be baby blobys.

Baby blobs. Yeah, they are blobs, aren't they? I think, though, Dom, you've got to. offend, you know, a category of person when you name a lolly or snack, don't you? I mean, we need to look for sort of something sexist now or something. Like, if you're dropping racism, don't you just have to move on? I'd like to see, I'd like to see the lollies punching up a bit. Like, redskins could be like red tape.

Oh. And you actually, and you offend all the lawyers and the bureaucrats. By chewing through their red tone. Yeah, exactly. Well, this is the thing about Chikos that I'm stuck on Chikos because to me that the biggest problem isn't just the name. It's the fact that you have a lolly that looks like a dark brown baby. I mean, I don't know how you change the name and make that not a terrible idea.

Why not just cancel the entire product or release them in a rainbow of spectrums? If we're going to eat babies made of lollies, at least we should have. have all kinds of different colors, you know, just share it all around, all a full spectrum of Chikos, or just call them racists, call them what they are and be done with it. Yes, yes, I like that. I mean, I think they've already solved that problem many, many decades ago by inventing jelly babies.

It's true. I mean, that's what they are. And who are the people out there who are kind of like, well, I don't want regular jelly babies in every color. What I want specifically are the brown ones. That seems to me not a positive contribution to our. society, Nestle? Just, just cancel. Why don't they just grind it up, turn it into baby formula and just kill a whole lot of babies with it like they usually do? There you go. Problem solved.

Now, let's go, let's move on to a topic that's dear to at least some of the hearts or some of the heads on this panel, baldies. Now, bald men, and I hate to break this news to you, Tommy, but bald men are more likely to come down with COVID-19, says research. Is that, is that, is it just because we're old and old people are more likely to die? Or is there something special about us that their hair follicles, when if you don't have them, you're more likely to sort of breathe in the vapour. Is that what's going on? Look, I mean, I'm no scientist, Tommy, but I don't think the age is affecting.

Yeah, because I mean, I've known you for a long time, and I seem to remember you were going bald from about 19, won't you? Yeah, I think this is just nature's way of saying that you shouldn't really be part of the gene pool. It's just, it's nature's way of getting rid of people who look like middle managers. And I think that's a good thing. I think, you know, the fewer middle managers we have in society, the better. Well, I think it's because everything bad happens to us,

to people who look like me, you know, you don't get the girl, don't get, you don't get anything, you get shunned. But then you end up, you know, running the world and being Jeff Bezos. So it's not all bad. It's not all bad. It's got to be a little bit of rain in Jeff Bezos. Swings and roundabouts. There is something you do get, which is COVID.

I mean, is there something we, I mean, it's a bit of a problem, though, because I think, I feel Dommy is, is a super spread. Yes. Looking at that bald pate, I'm worried that the rest of us are going to be infected. I mean, Charles, how should we crack down on these baldies to stop the spread? Well, look, you know, and I say this for the safety of Australia, I think we need to reopen Manus Island. I think we need to move all the bald people to Menace Island,

including, ironically, Peter Dutton and Scott Morrison. So it would solve everything. And I think we just, we don't say, oh, and you can come back, you know, in a certain period of time. I think we just keep it indefinite. Charles, that's a bit of a thin argument for you, given the slow devolution of the top of your head there. I mean, you're a...

It's almost as thin as thin as your hair now, John. I could come over there and just basically just blow in your general direction and you'd have nothing left. If only anyone would blow in my direction. If you're interested in the facts about the baldness, look them up. And that has been global international news, international, all countries roundup for another week. It's been lovely to be with you.

You can check out the Chaser stuff online, which is, well, I should say, is largely a new coterie of very talented young writers who produce very funny articles on chaser.com. A.U. All credit to them and Twitter and Facebook. And Charles tells me that you've been banned. Shadow ban. Shadow ban from TikTok. Bad a band from TikTok. So don't bother with TikTok anymore. It doesn't work. Don't check up TikTok.

And thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. We'll see you next time.