The Chaser Report - Extra - James Bond Junior

Episode Date: June 23, 2020

Foxes sighted at a university campus. Rumours that James Bond has a five year old son in the next instalment. And a grocery chain has closed its salad bars due to Covid-19, and repurposed them to sell candy and booze. Plus all the latest Chaser news headlines from Rebecca De Unamuno. 
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The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Dayunamuno. The New South Wales Premier has urged residents to avoid travel to Melbourne over fears they might remember what fun feels like. Following New South Wales's travel ban, Qantas has announced that the empty seats on all Victorian flights will be filled with cardboard cutouts. Journalists at News Corp have accused Australian YouTuber-friendly Jordies of racism. The organisation then immediately offered him a job on Sky News. Pauline Hansen has said that idiots should stay away from public commentary. She is expected to announce her retirement any minute now. That's the latest Chaser News. Check out chaser.com.com.com for regular updates.

Now it's time for a look at the rest of the news around the world with Charles, Andrew and Dom. Thank you so much, Rebecca Day and, Moono. It is time for another round of this. International Global News World Roundup. Yes, indeed. We do these mini episodes twice a week as well as the main ep on the Friday. And it's time to catch up on some news that's just broken. Let's head to the University of New South Wales in Sydney,

where you know how there's this thing during COVID that nature has been reclaiming our cities. Well, they've had foxes. They've had foxes on the campus there at Kensington, and I don't know what you think of that. You know, when we were at university, there weren't any foxes anywhere, no wildlife really at all, except for engineers who'd had a few drinks. No, I don't remember foxes, but is this, I mean, maybe this is a good chance for a replacement for the international students who are no longer coming. I mean, can we just enroll the foxes in the classes?

Not a bad idea, if they can pay for the exorbitant fees. And they're very cunning, aren't they, foxes? So they'd be good at student politics. I imagine they'd end up running the SRC, wouldn't they? Do you think they'd do reviews and things like that? Would they do student theatre? I can see if it's a student theatre. A lot of drinking, I imagine.

They've got long noses to stick down into those schooner glasses there. And they'd definitely have funnier students reviews than the ones we were involved in. Much better. I wish ours had been run by a wild animal. It would have been a lot better. For more on that. Watch uni on YouTube. Anyway, now things haven't gone quite so smoothly with the foxes joining campus life.

And if I take you to the experience. Really? I can't imagine any problems would have arisen. That's a good point. So a student by the name of Liz Willer, 20 years old, she was walking home through campus at 10pm on Saturday, spotted the fox and then thought, oh, that's really cool. Started walking towards her with intent.

And she gave it a pass. and it bit her hand. Do you think, given that, given that, should they be getting rid of the foxes or is it actually a useful part of the educational experience to get a fox bite?

No, the foxes need to be properly trained. This is a disgrace. If you're a university and half your student population is foxes, you need to take them to Fox School and teach them a bit of etiquette. I'm really disappointed. I'm going to be writing to the Fox Vice-Chancellor

about this. When I was at university, I'd be worried about rabies and tetanus, right? Because all the professors that bit me on the hand late at night, they'd all had their rabies shots and their tetanus shots, so it was all safe. But that was a different time. It was a different time, Charles, it was years ago. It was perfectly legal as long as you've brought it to the faculty. But I worry about this student because she thought to herself,

I assume it's someone's pet fox because wild foxes wouldn't come up and stand in front of you I wonder if she's a biology student should she be failed for that lack of insight into how foxes work well she might have not for I'm assuming she didn't realize

it was a fox right I mean didn't it look like a cute little doggy this is what I'm guessing at and she went oh the little doggy and gave a little pat and then it went and she presumably went ah crap it's a fox

I hope she's all right. Is she okay? Yeah, she's okay. Well, fortunately, she took herself off to Prince of Wales Hospital, which was on the campus but fox-free at that point. Right, right. And was the doctor of fox now because all the medical students are all... There was a doctor wolf.

It helped her out. Why? What big eyes you've got? I mean, universities, they really are. They're heading down hill these universities, aren't they? I mean, gosh. I just wonder what next? If you're running UNSW, what are the animals which you bring on to

the campus for the delight of students. Well, I've heard that octopi are very intelligent. Smart animals. They can predict football games, can't they? Every World Cup. And they always predict the US presidential elections and everything. So I think probably Octopi would just add to the sort of diversity on campus. I think you're kind of right, so.

But I'd go a step further and get a bit more complex and break it down faculty by faculty. I think you need to rank it in these sort of. of order of intellect of the animal. So I can see the octopus as being the sort of medical students, perhaps law students, you know, bring it down and not to engineers. You might hire some pigs. They're very smart, but not known for their hygiene or lifestyle choices. Yes.

And then, you know, at the bottom, you've got your arts students, which could be just a selection of mollusks, perhaps an amoeba. Whistors and clams. Would be fine. That's a good idea. I'll have to do. Find some way of making more money. Because the other thing that I was thinking is maybe the exams could be run by Ravens.

You know how Ravens always foretell doom? Never more. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't want to know. No, okay. Well, you obviously never did English literature, Andrew Hanson. Now, speaking of great literature, to James Bond,

one of the great characters in all of literature. Apparently in the next installment, there's been a leaked script. It's not clear whether this is actually authentic, but the story goes, the leak is that he has a five-year-old son in this new installment, No Time to Die. It should have been out earlier this year, but they held it back because of COVID. I'm wondering what you think of the idea of James Bond as a dad.

What do you think he'd name his son? Little pussy. Now, I think, isn't James Bond, the whole person, point about him is he's a psychopathic narcissist. So he'd call him, it'd be James Bond Jr. or something like that, really boring. What I think they should name him is something like Kid Bond, because this is, like, clearly there'll be a spin-off series, you know, kid Bond, you know, like, yeah, yeah. Well, just young James Bond, I mean, it was young Indiana Jones we had, so it could just

be called Young James Bond. That's the most, that's the clearest title I've ever heard for like, We need a show for like a young version of the mean character. I'm thinking we just call, what can we call that? I know, young character. And I wonder how you think this works in terms of the story. James Bond had a wife briefly at one point in the past, but a five-year-old son, how will that fit into the new film?

What are they going to actually do with this, the filmmakers? I think it'll be a challenge for Daniel Craig because he's about 75. So, you know, he's an old dad, obviously. But I'm imagining it might be a nice little sort of domestic kitchen sink story about parenthood. I think we'll see some of the challenges of feeding the kid a healthy diet and just staying at home and making sure he does his homework. Three men and a baby type stuff. It'll be daddy daycare style to James Bond thriller. Oh.

No, but seriously, I think it will. Obviously, it increases the stakes, doesn't it? There's a point of leverage on the James Bond character. if you've got this, yeah, if you've got this sun, then, you know, like, Phelan's about to blow up the world, and then James Bond has to run off and cut up an apple for his kid. That's a whole drama there that we haven't seen before. It's very fresh.

Yeah, it could be. I mean, I'd be interested to see what the son has as his signature drink, you know. What's it going to be, like a dry, a dry beena, shaken, not stirred? Surely it will be a milkshake. I think you'll be a good dad, though, James Bonner. He's had some psychological problems. I've really tried to explore that during the general, during the Daniel Craig period, give him some complexity.

Wouldn't he be a terrible dad? He's a heartless, uncaring, psychopath who's devoid of emotions. So he's actually just like most dads, I think. Now, finally, a grocery chain has shut down its salad bars due to COVID-19. Of course, we don't want to be sharing, you know, potato salad with the, with the tongs and all that. And they've repurposed those little containers to sell candy and booze. Good decision.

Right, so the entire grocery shop is just churned into lollies and booze. This is great. Well, they have in this particular grocery chain. Yeah, they have a little salad bar, you know, the sort of Bay and Marie thing, the trays. And it's now just booze on ice and lollies. This is fantastic news. I mean, that's all we really go to the supermarket. But isn't it, it's the most exciting part of your supermarket shop, really, is just the lolly aisle and the liquor store.

The rest is, you know, you kind of have to do whatever. I think Woolworth should do this to turn the lights out on all the rest of the shop and only have the lolly aisle lit up and the booze shop next door. Look, I agree, Andrew, but I think there's a huge risk here, which is what we don't want is we don't want pubs and lolly shops to now rebrand as salad bars. There's a huge risk that it'll sort of... Go to your local salad bar, Charles. You wouldn't go and hang out in a knockoff time? Yeah. Salad o'clock on a Friday.

I'll have a schooner of tabooly, please. I think there's some potential here, isn't there? I mean, can you imagine when we reemerge from all this, if we ever do? Trying to perhaps release a line of healthy alcoholic products. Oh, yes. Absolutely. I could see a prebiotic, carlos. and draft. I think there's a lot of opportunities here. A protein beer. Have we ever had a

protein beer that you can use for muscle mass? And you know like V8 juice? Oh yes. You know how it blends lots of lots of vegetables into a job. But I don't see why you can't just do that with whiskey. It's kind of a vegetable whiskey with nine types of vegetables, all blended in to one shop. And the really good thing is you actually wouldn't have to rebrand anything because you just call it boost juice. Do you mean you mean boozed juice with a boos, boosed juice? Oh, booze juice. Yeah, that is actually better.

Booze juice would actually even be better, yeah. I'm sorry. Pity you didn't think of that the first time. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Thank you very much for joining us for this mini episode of the report. Don't forget two of these a week plus the main one on Friday. Thanks to Mike La Braley, our producer, for sorting all this out for us, of course. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast.

especially in the Apple podcast app, if you would. That helps us out. And it will potentially take us off the 68th rung of the podcast rank where we would like to be very, very much. And you can check out the news anytime at chaser.com. You catch you next time. Bye-bye.