The Chaser Report - Extra - Socially distanced orgy

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Charles Firth, Dom Knight and Andrew Hansen bring you a round up of news from around the world. A UK millionaire is holding a socially distanced orgy. A boy left some strange instructions in the comments on an Amazon delivery. If you're missing airline food, you can now order 5 airline meals for just $10. Plus all the latest Chaser headlines from Rebecca De Unamuno. 
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The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Dayunamuno. There's been some good news at last for Victorians after they were told yesterday that they can't visit Queensland. Queensland Premier Anastasia Palishei announced the good news, saying that she wanted to do something to cheer up Victorians who have been struggling with an outbreak of the virus. Victorians now have a valid excuse to not travel to Queensland until further notice. Alleged news organisation Sky News has yet again come under fire after Peter Creadlin made racially charged remarks that were factually inaccurate. A spokesperson for Sky News apologised for the blatant racism

and reassured fans it will happen again. A Perth man has decided he's not so keen on nightclub's reopening after he spent Saturday night paying $25 for a shot of Jim Beam. The man said he had been looking forward to bars reopening until he arrived and remembered how terrible they were. The man is expected to make the same mistake again next weekend. That's the latest Chaser news. Check out chaser.com.com.com for updates.

And now it's time for a look at what's happening around the world with Charles, Andrew and Dom. It's time for one of these. International Global News World Roundup. My name is Dom Knight, Charles Firth and Andrew Hanson, here with one of our mini episodes, keeping up to speed with some of the world's most important. headlines. And let's head to the UK, first of all, where a millionaire is hosting what he calls a socially distanced orgy. This wonderful gentleman who's a great fan of all things sexual adventure-wise. His name is Richard Stanley and his partner, Janet Harrison, putting

together the first massive sex party post-COVID. Do you think it's possible to have a COVID-safe Orgy. Look, I suppose if you keep the sort of square meter rule in the socially distanced, it just depends on the tools now, doesn't it? I mean, they've got to be the right length. They've got to be 1.5 metres at least these devices so that they can reach across. I'm imagining a lot of tongs involved. Yeah, I think barbecue tongs might see a surge in sales, Charles.

If these kinds of orgies are going to take place on a widespread base, I mean, full-body cling wrap could be a thing. Yeah. I think, but like stockman whips and things like that would also work. You'd have to get quite long whips. Yeah. Feather dusters would work. I think it might be just a broom.

Actually, it just sounds like a normal, it's a normal orgy, isn't it? It's got all the usual equipment you'd expect. I mean, my experience of orgies is that they're very socially isolated. It's those solo orgies of yours, child. Very, very distant. Well, even when there are people in the room, they soon leave when you enter. So I can imagine an orgy with those little circles on the ground with the 1.5 metre distancing and just everyone reaching across the divide.

Oh, but don't use any hand sanitiser. That's a warning. That's a warning. He says, his concept for how this is going to work is it's going to be for voyeurs and monogamists. So my impression is that everyone will be on those circles, 1.5 meters distant apart, with their partners shagging it at a safe kind of reach two arm lengths apart. Do you think that sounds fun or do you think some of the magic will be lost? I think if you're inviting monogamists to an orgy, you're on to a losing thing right from the get-go, aren't you?

I mean, we're just going to have a whole lot of people in there saying, no, sorry, I can't participate. I'm a monogamous. Sorry, no, not for me either. They're actually the two categories that you don't want it on orgy. People who are not going to participate because they like just looking and people who can't participate because they're monogamous. There's the worst idea in the world. It seems to me to have a few logistical issues,

but it's definitely got to be an improvement on one of his recent orgies. It was a James Bond-themed orgy with a suing pool, and someone actually died in the swimming pool, and he jumped in to try and pull them out. and failed. Very, very sad, I think a heart attack or something. Would this put you off attending hearing that this sort of event can prove fatal? Well, no.

I mean, danger is a sexy thing. So I think that's the selling point, isn't it? You don't want to put on the posters monogamous and four years only. You want to say, warning, you might die. I think they can guarantee that with this. I don't know, Charles. I wonder if that is a good. selling. I mean, you know, most things where you say, you know, come and attend our party

warning you might die. Look, I'm not sure. I'm not sure that's going to work. All right. Now, we've all been relying very heavily on Amazon during this period. They've been delivering all kinds of things around the world safely, wearing masks and with the zero contact deliveries. And a boy who, his mother let order something from Amazon, you know, have this little field where you can give sort of extra instructions about, you know, if there's a code or something you need to know to get in. And this boy wrote on the order, what you need to do is knock three times, shout abracadabra, and then run away.

Well, this family had one of those doorbell video cameras, and here's what it recorded when the Amazon worker turned up. And then she scarp it away. She actually did it. It's just wonderful what you can make people on the minimum way to do. It's, you know, there's just fantastic to just always. boss them around. What do you think he was getting at with those instructions?

Is this some sort of suburban witchcraft or wizardry? I think he sounds like a little sort of King Joffrey to me. He just wants people to do whatever he wants. And he needs to be told, listen, this is not how the world works. I'd like to leave delivery instructions for this kid, actually. Yeah, and just, you know, have respect, shout abracadabra, then run away. Yeah, that's right. But I'll tell you what, there was a bit of magic involved in that whole thing, isn't it?

Because they actually fucking delivered the package for once. You know, I've ordered something from Amazon like four weeks ago. It still hasn't arrived. Well, you didn't say, you didn't get them to say abracadabra, Charles. Maybe this is the problem. Ah, that was my mistake. That was my mistake. I've been stealing things outside the front of your house, actually, Charles.

But every time I do I shout africadabra, get a free item. But look, this does unlock a world of possibilities, doesn't it? I mean, if you can put requests when you order things and people do it, what would you get your Amazon or your Uber-reach delivery person to do? Is there an extra little something you could add in? Oh, I see. Well, now you're talking, Dommy. Now that I've thought about it a bit, there is something in this.

You know, I'd probably get them to, you know, maybe play a Beethoven symphony outside my door. Bring orchestra and play symphony. That might be nice to have when my package arrives. Can you request celebrities? Can you say, I want my package delivered by pink, wasn't it? Great idea. Yeah. You need to have pink and a concert.

Yeah. Deliver by pink plus live spectacular, a concert spectacular in front yard, please. Now let's head to another kind of delivery. Actually, I've got a story here, guys, about another kind of delivery. This is very exciting. Maybe you could get the symphony. orchestra to come, along with the delivery from Gate Gourmet, you know, that company that makes airline meals. And what they do, what's happened is they've got a huge stockpile

these things because they manufacture them well in advance, then not necessarily all that fresh. So they've got a whole bunch of frozen airline meals. And if you're missing the unique taste of airline food, you can order them and they're charging only $10 for five frozen meals. So they pay you $10 to take five meals off? their hands today. Is that how it works? They probably should. No, it's, it's $2 per meal, $2 for an airline meal. Is that a good deal? What do you think? Wow. I mean, it's, look, I guess if you were, if you were really starving to death, are they first class meal, this is what I don't know, are they first class meals we're talking to you, or economy class meal? What, what grade of meal

are we on? Well, I think all it is, is the little bit in the, in the tin package, too. I don't think they're giving you the bread rolls or any of the stuff that they add on. I think it's just that A little bit in the foil. Oh, right. So it's the indeterminate thing that's either noodles or potatoes. Yeah, it's to mush with gravy. Do they include the disappointment as well where they say, you know, we're offering chicken or beef, but the chicken's all gone.

And there's no beef either. You can have vegetables or fish. Well, actually, that's not far off because apparently you can't specify what you want, except meat or vegetarian. Oh, that's so airline. I love it. Right. Yeah, and you'd end up with beef, which is always the,

worst. Well, but it's cheap, isn't it? I mean, $2. Mind you, they're always very small these meals, aren't they? They're really tiny. So you'd have to eat the whole $10 package, I reckon, when it arrived, to get one meals worth. Yeah. I guess you could pretend you're on holiday. I mean, if you did your house up, if you sort of put a really uncomfortable seatbelt on your sofa and, you know, had somebody kicked the back of your sofa for you while you sat there eating the meal, you could kind of pretend you're on a little. You could kind of pretend you're on a little trip. And then just made loud noises around you, like a loud drone, yeah. Yes, lots of loud drones. Get somebody really hairy to sit right next to you and put their

hairy arm next to yours. Yeah, and on every screen around you, everyone loves Raymond screens whether you like it or not. Well, look, it's an experience. I guess they're running these things out. What should they do with them, though, if nobody buys these meals? I think even $2 each, they don't seem like great value. What can they do with all these? All frozen meals otherwise. I think they make good toys because I know because I've got a little, you know, I've got a daughter and she likes playing with small plastic versions of food. And, you know, those airline trays, you always whip off the lid and they're overcooked so badly usually that they're as hard as indestructible plastic and bricks

inside. So I think they'd be quite good little, little play food for kids. That's not bad. I was thinking, you know, maybe they could reconstruct the polar ice caps. They've got all these frozen bricks of items. Couldn't we just take them back down and make more ice caps? Can you get those really small red apples? Is that part of you? You know, those cold small red apples. I always thought they'd be quite good as snooker balls.

You know, you could just repurpose those. They're about the right size and hardness level. I don't think you can, but, I mean, we're not going to be flying for months more. So you'll probably be able to buy an entire plane. before long, just to get delivered to your backyard. Abricadabra. That's all we've got time for in this mini yet,

but don't forget we do. The minis twice a week on Monday and Wednesday. The full episode comes out on Friday. In between times, you can get all the news at chaser.com. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and the like. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. We'll catch you next time here on The Chaser Report.