The Chaser Report - Extra - The turtle with 800 kids

Episode Date: June 21, 2020

A tortoise who fathered 800 babies has retired. Vladimir Putin has a coronavirus disinfection tunnel leading into his home. And renovating woman has found a mysterious note that the previous house owner left. Plus all the latest headlines from Rebecca De Unamuno in the Chaser World International Global News Newsroom. 
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The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Dayunamuno. 350 billion people have attended a Donald Trump campaign rally in Tulsa, according to estimates by Donald Trump. But experts have questioned the figure. They say the coronavirus, and a fear of having to listen to Trump talk about himself for hours, likely dampen the expected turnout. Insiders say Trump spent much of this week mastering drinking water with one hand and he has devastated his efforts were wasted. The party that has been behind the times on every single topic has announced it will increase the price for university history degrees. A spokesperson explained that most Liberal Party MPs already lived in the 1950s

which means they don't need a history degree. A massive cyber attack against Australia has been thwarted by an outage at the MBN. A spokesperson for the MBN said that millions of sophisticated bots had attempted to infiltrate Australia, but the Windows 95 computer that runs the MBN had quickly been overwhelmed. That's the latest headlines. Check out chaser.com.com.com for all the latest news you can't trust. And now it's time to run through all the other breaking stories with Charles, Dom and Andrew. Well, thank you very much, Beck. That's most informative. You're joined by me, Andrew Hanson, and the little panel of Dommy and Charles.

dissect the international news for you right now. International Global News World Roundup. All right, Tommy and Charles. To tortoise news first. And a tortoise who has fathered 800 babies has retired. 800? Finally. Yeah, apparently that's right.

800. I assume they're baby tortoises. The headline just says a tortoise who fathered 800 babies. They might be human babies, I'm not sure. Slow and steady wins the race. Well, this was his job, though, Charles, apparently. Was to create baby tortoises, you know, to propagate the species of this particular type. A stud.

A stut. A tortoise stud. I mean, is it reasonable? Do you think that he's retired or do you think the tortoise should keep working? Wouldn't you go for the thousand? I would. I'd go for the big one-tripple-0. 800's such a weak, weak effort.

Is the idea that by having 800 babies, he sort of saved the species or something? Yeah, yeah. That's right. Yeah, they were running out of tortoises quite badly. And so they went, well, you can make something. But hang on, doesn't that mean that all the remaining tortoises will have, you know, incest, problems and only one dad? That's not a good idea at all. Yeah.

Or be cousins. That's true. It's a bit sort of deep south or something, isn't it? It's a bit weird. No. When you're trying to save a species, Dom, those factors. don't matter. He saved the species. Give him some credit here. I just wish humanity had a similar a crisis that I could help out in. I think that's what I want. How can I put this kindly?

Having met your children, I think two is enough. Well, COVID, Charles, I mean, you could be the answer. Maybe if we can't find a vaccine, it'll still be all right, because you can just father a whole lot of replacement people. I mean, look at the great in human history, right? And so, you know, like Nelson Mandela, he never retired. Actually, no, he did retire, didn't he? Well, he was forced to. He sort of had to defend his retirement in a jail cell. But Mother Teresa, she didn't retire.

You know, there's no, there's no, you know, like when you're a hero who saves your species, you don't retire. He should keep at it. He should just, this tortoise needs to just keep going. Get 1,000, get 1,200. Like, do it till his dying day. he should be dying on the job. Just like Mother Teresa was. Poor tortoise has got Charles on its back.

I don't know what he did to deserve this. Look, I think the tortoise should be allowed to just enjoy his retirement. They've moved him actually onto one of the Galapagos Islands to live out his twilight years as a kind of reward, I suppose. I mean, Domby, what do you think? Are there any other ways that we should be rewarding this tortoise? I just wonder whether now, and obviously the tortoises, he enjoys a roll in the hay, does the tortoise get to keep shagging but with like a condom on?

Or does the tortoise have to stop shagging? Because there'd be such a risk of shagging at your child, wouldn't there be, if you were that tortoise? Well, have you tried to put a condom on, dummy, with tortoise feet with flippers? It's not easy. It's hard enough with opposable thumbs. I mean, I would have thought, surely this tortoise is deserving of a very, very large baby. bonus after the 800 children. Yeah.

But the thing is, farming him out to some, you know, isolated island is not very nicely. He's fathered 800 kids. He saved his species. He should be put up in an apartment in New York or Paris or something like that. Taking the culture. Yes. The restaurants.

Go on a cruise. Contracts him illnesses from the buffet. He'll end up on the buffet if he turns the wrong country. Look, um, okay. Let's go to Russia now. Let's talk about Russian President Putin. He's thought of a novel solution to not catch the coronavirus. And he's gone and installed this coronavirus disinfection tunnel that leads into his home. And visitors get sprayed with a fine cloud of disinfectant as they walk through this tunnel. I mean, I guess the first question is, is this enough? I mean,

Charles, what else could Putin install in his house to keep him healthy? Yeah, I mean, this is a difficult one, isn't it? Because I've done the same thing in my house. I've installed a spray. Not because of COVID or anything like that, just because my kids are fucking disgusting. Well, you've got to spray them or you've got to hose them down at the very least. Just hose them down, yeah.

So, you know, and I suppose my advice to Putin is you just shouldn't have visitors. Like, you know, some of my most pleasant nights have been when my kids don't come home at all and they're out somewhere else. So I think he should just live the life of a hermit. That's what should happen. Well, that's one suggestion. Donnie? I'm keen to know more about this spray, the tunnel of spray,

because having read a little bit about Putin and what it's like to visit Russia under Putin, let's say he wants to get some incriminating footage of you or something, are we sure it's not a mist created by hookers? urinating Trump style. I mean, it's entirely possible. It's a sort of a yellow shower that you go through on the way into his house. Well, that would be an antiseptic though. That would still work. It would still work. There's still, yes, there's ammonium. Plenty of ammonium there. And you'd get some great footage to blackmail them later on.

I think he probably already had it. Let's face it. He probably already requires everyone who comes near him to have been weed on by some of his favorite piss hookers. I don't know what a tunnel looks like, but you could be right. I mean, maybe it's just one of those sort of tunnels that they form in cheerleading squads, you know, and it's just a line of prostitutes straddling, and you scoot underneath on a skateboard. The yellow mist. People don't use urine as hand-moistriety to get rid of corona. It's like alcohol.

It would probably be a mist of alcohol. There's no spare alcohol in Russia. This is an awesome thing. I think every house should have, you know, this mist of alcohol that you inhale. Because then it would actually be very similar to my house. Or walking past your breath. Now, the next story, there was this woman who was renovating and she found this note. And it was left in an unusual place.

She found a note that the previous owner of her house had written underneath the wallpaper. So, you know, this happened, she was kind of removing the wallpaper. And lo and behold, there was a very old note written underneath. Challenge for you, Dommy, can you guess what the note said? Oh, based on our last major podcast, I'm thinking, you know, we've made a terrible mistake with your Bank West Platinum MasterCard. Here's $143. Everyone gets one of those eventually.

No, no, I think it's some sort of creepy death note, isn't it? I've been killed hostage by this home renovation. mad, you know, homeowner who want me to wallpaper the thing. Like, it's some sort of help. You reckon it was like one of the contestants from an early season of the block? Yes, it's like a plea for help. Maybe it just says, how dare you take off my beautiful wallpaper, you absolute prick. Actually, it's probably the bill.

It'll be the bill for the fucking wallpapering. Well, close. Actually, Charles, you're getting warm there. I'll tell you what the note said. Somebody had written, if you ever need to wallpaper this room again, it will take eight rolls of wallpaper. Ah, it goes on, Domit is more. I bought just six rolls at $17 per roll and didn't have enough. It really pissed me off.

End of note. So it's a little handy hint, you see, to DIY people of how you can wallpaper that room. Well, surely it would have been more useful to put that, you know, know, not underneath the wallpaper, but on the actual wallaber, because presumably by the time you've ripped it off, you've already gone and bought the fucking wallpaper. I mean, it's true, isn't it? You're right. It's too late then, isn't it?

You're not going to rip it all off with no wallpaper to put on, are you? So what note would you write, Dommy, on your wall for the next person to read after you move house? I mean, wouldn't you just play a prank that span generations? Wouldn't you write, like, I've buried $1,000 in gold under the floor boards? Or you could put, or you could put, I've buried a bag of oysters in a vent. Yeah, it's not bad. Or this would be the perfect time to do the sneaky shit, I reckon. You just write, where's the sneaky shit?

I guess if you were Charles, you could sort of autograph a wall and make them really regret having bought the house. Devalue the house by $400,000. And that was the International Global News, etc. Around up, up, up, pop, pop. It's been lovely to be with you on this little cheeky extra podcast. If you don't mind subscribing and downloading all the apps, that would help boost us up in the podcast ranks because we debuted on the podcast ranker thing at number 68 last week.

Oh, yeah. And, you know, you don't want to be listening to the 68th best podcast. You know, so come on, subscribe, boost us up. We want to be at least 60 second. And check us out on the website. What is it, Charles, chaser.com.com. that are you that you and your team write very funny stories on. Do you say that to distance yourself from the website, Andrew?

Well, I can't take, I can't take blame then, you see, so that when you're inevitably cancelled at some point, I can say, well, I didn't do the website. No, yeah. It was you. Nothing to do with it. Yeah. But check us out on TikTok.

We've had over 2 million views now. That's our most popular platform at chaser.com.com. Oh, so we're doing better there than the podcast, Ranker, aren't we? And thanks to producer Mike Liberali.