The Chaser Report - Extra - Waiting for Covid

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

It's been over six months since Australia started mass testing for Covid, so you'd think it would be a seamless process with high-tech mobile phone integration. Think again, as Dom Knight present a mini-play based on the verbatim transcripts of his interactions, trying to get his Covid test results from NSW Health. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with the latest Chaser news headlines.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report, Global World International News Headlines Update with Rebecca Dayunamuno. Jacinda Ardern is ineligible to be Prime Minister of New Zealand after a stunning victory in the election on the weekend. In a confusing mix-up, her stunning success meant she was instantly adopted an honorary Australian and is now ineligible to sit in New Zealand Parliament. Melbourne's hairdressers are at overcapacity this morning after locked. down restrictions were eased. Barbers are completely overwhelmed by people seeking emergency cuts and have called for calm amidst rising panic. Police have issued a warning requesting people seeking perms, highlights or any other treatment that takes ages to stay away until

demand dissipates. There are growing doubts over whether the new Crown Casinos at Burangaroo in Sydney will be allowed to open in December as planned. An inquiry into the operator shows numerous links to junker operators who were linked to organised crime gangs. But a spokesperson for Crown said they were confident they could get the appropriate approvals because he has a mate who knows a mate who has a very close personal relationship with the Premier. That's the latest Chaser News. Check outchaser.com.com.com for more updates. And now it's time for a very special theatrical edition of COVID Watch with Charles,

Nina and Dom. Thanks, Beck. Now, look, as you can probably tell by my voice, I'm not very well. So I went and got a COVID test as you're supposed to do. for a special edition of Dover and Watch. Now these days when you go and get a COVID test, but before they shove the little pipe cleaning thing, way up your nose into your throat,

both nostrils and down the back of your throat. They still do it, that way. Yeah. Did you get a pipe cleaner, Dom? I got a swisper. I've got a little, what are they called, a Q-tip. Yeah, it was. Yeah, you get a pipe cleaner.

I don't know where you've been going to. What I do is I just... Have you been going to, like, the kindergarten and making kids put their little grafts up your face. It was either at COVID clinic or my daughter's kindergarten. I'm not sure, which it was. I didn't have to lie back and it was painful. Every time I get a nose sniffle, the way I deal with it is I send my kids to go and get tested.

Because I assume, well, if I'm, if I've got it, then they'll have it. And then I don't have to have the bloody thing up the nose. That's pretty wise. But the thing was actually the nasal swab wasn't the most unpleasant part of the test. Oh. What they did was after I had that, and I was sitting there feeling quite painful and just wanting to leave the hospital. Yes. They said, look, before you go, can you just sign up to the SMS notification system that tells you whether you're negative or not?

Otherwise, you'll have to call us up in 72 hours. I was like, I don't want to isolate for 72 hours. I want to sign up previously. It's been a very quick and efficient process. You just put your details in and you're done. It wasn't quite that quick and efficient this time. What I've done is I've written out the, and I've actually truncated somewhat, the actual texts I exchanged with the New South Wales Health, SMS line. Charles, because your voice isn't fucked, I'd like you to play me.

Ooh, okay. And Nana will play the SMS line. Oh, can I do a robot voice? You can. Imagine, if you will, this dialogue that took place over several hours yesterday. Okay, so, and I'm playing you. So what you do to get the process started is you text the words, my result to the particular phone line. Can I just say this actually, this play reads as a beautiful existential text. I call it waiting for COVID. That's an incredible title. Beckett. Beckett would be quaking at the knees. And do I have to sound like you? Do I have to make it all like that?

No, let's just imagine that I was a normal functioning human being. Okay. My result. The New South Wales Health Pathology COVID-19 SMS results service provides COVID-19 results if you were tested at a New South Wales public hospital. If you would like to receive your result via SMS, please text your surname. Night. Date of births?

23rd of November, 1976. Oh, you're old. Sorry. Gender, type M for male, F for female, or O for other. M, I guess. Did you really write, I guess? No, I just write M. The New South Wales Health Pathology COVID-19 SMS results service provides COVID-19 results

if you were tested at a New South Wales public hospital. If you would like to receive your result via SMS, please text your surname. Knight. Must provide four characters. Please try again. 3-281. The date you had your COVID-19 sample collected as D-D-D-M-M-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-E-D 14 March 2020 as 14-0-3-202020. 13-10-2020.

Must provide eight characters. Please try again. 13-10, 2020. Your residential postcode. 20-2. Invalid entry. Please try again. 2-0-2.

The New South Wales Health Pathology COVID-19 SMS results provides COVID-19 results if you were tested at a New South Wales public hospital. If you would like to receive your result via SMS, please text your surname. Night. Invalid entry, please try again. 202. Invalid entry, please try again. My result.

Invalid entry, please try again. 2.02. The New South Wales Health Pathology COVID-19 SMS results service provides COVID-19 results if you were tested at a New South Wales public hospital. If you would like to receive your result via SMS, please text your surname. Invalid entry, please try again. Night. Please enter the phrase, my result to commence registration or ready if your results are ready.

My result. Invalid entry, please try again. Night. Please enter the phrase, my result to commence registration or ready if your results are ready. My result. The New South Wales Health Pathology COVID-19 SMS results provides COVID-19 results if you would test it at a New South Wales public hospital.

If you would like to receive your result via SMS, please text your surname. Night. The New South Wales Health Pathology COVID-19 results provides COVID-19 results. If you were tested at a New South Wales public hospital. Just stop it. This is terrible.

If you would like to receive your result via SMS, please text your surname. How do we stop it? The New South Wales Health Pathology COVID-19 SMS result service provides COVID-19 results if you were tested at a New South Perth public hospital. Should we just not tell her? If you would like to receive your result via SMS, please text your surname.

That's what we've got time for in this mini-chaser report. Don't forget, you can check us out at chaser.com. For the latest chaser's headlines, you can look at Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, pretty much anything else. And if you want to experience the New South Wales government SMS system, simply go for a COVID test in New South Wales and enjoy.