The Chaser Report - Fifth Time Lucky, Eh Rupert?

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

Australia's most eligible bachelor, Rupert Murdoch, has broken hearts across the world again by announcing he's taken. Where am I gonna get a sugar daddy now? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report podcast. It is Dom Knight and... Charles Foote. What, a total non-surprise, yes. Recording in the same room, Charles, welcome back to Sydney. Oh, isn't it horrible here?

You were just in Adelaide and you were so down on Adelaide. I know, but Adelaide... Compared to Sydney, Adelaide's just the bomb. I mean, is that a good thing or the bomb in the sense that it's an absolute empty wasteland as though a bomb has gone off? Adelaide's very beautiful, you know, especially during the fringe and there's no traffic jams. Whereas here you can get good coffee. But I found a good coffee place.

Found the one place. You shouldn't have come back. On behalf of everyone in New South Wales, we're disappointed that you made it back for the election. Before we get into today's news, which features Ruth Murdoch's very happy news, he's engaged for the fifth time. New drugs are legally available, silo-siber and MDMA. Oh, fantastic.

Yeah, very exciting stuff. That's going to affect the rest of my night. And why you shouldn't use electric vehicles on the campaign trail? Before we get to that, though, Charles, a little bit of admin. We've been doing Welcome to the Future on Wednesdays, our exciting tech podcast about the terrible tech that typifies the future. And this week, we've got a particularly special Bluetooth gadget that I can't even believe is an entire product category.

I'm very excited about that. But the thing is, we want you to subscribe to that as well as this. So rather than putting it on the feed today, you've got to go to Welcome to the Future, subscribe to that or just listen to it and find it there. So there's another podcast with us available also today. Yeah, it's called Welcome to the Future. Just look for that.

And we'll pop up in the Chase and Report feed at some point. We wanted to talk about Murdoch's marriage today. Because it's breaking news, it's like drop everything. The last bit of admin, by the way, Charles, is we haven't had any Apple podcast reviews for a long time. And they were very entertaining. So can you jump on there? Yes.

Give us five stars. And just wish Rupert Murdoch a happy fifth marriage with his, his fiancee, Leslie, sorry, Anne Leslie Smith. What does the pre-nup look like? I think it's probably pretty tight. He'd get good at writing the pre-nut, wouldn't it? It would be a pro forma. Couldn't you copy and paste the jury audience of pro forma?

Yeah, that's right. But let's just go through the chronology here because I do like witnessing billionaires in distress. And we'll just go back 12 months. Jerry Hall dumped River Murdoch. And apparently... Is that how it happened? It was a bit of a shock.

Yes. I thought he dumped her via email because she was smoking or something. Who dumped who? Rupert. Have we turned into some sort of gossip podcast? Well, when it's Rifted Murdoch, I think he can't be too trashy. It's what he would want. He would want us to, you know,

properly interfere with his private life because that's how he makes his money pretty sure she dropped him okay i mean i can see her point i mean he is 92 years old but i love the fact that in then making the announcement so he's marrying this woman called anne leslie smith and in making the announcement he said i want to spend the next half of my life yes with her yeah that's right i think i got the quote here we're both looking forward to spending the second half of our lives together. Yeah. So if he's 92,

that means he's going to live to what, 184? So this is my theory is I think he actually scrapes the stem cells from babies. Oh. And has that elaborate

stem cell treatment. Apparently in Hollywood, there's a big trade in LA of people who are mega rich getting this special stem cell treatment. It costs like $250,000 of course.

So it's a little bit more expensive than, your blood transfusion you get every month. Yeah, yeah. You might have heard the ad for a lifeblood. Thank you, Lifeblood, for that. But the good news is you obviously think that you're going to live to 184. I think that probably you don't live to 184, but it probably gives you the confidence.

Well, that's the thing he has. Enormous confidence. I love the quote so much about this happy, happy news. He said, I was very nervous, Murdoch said. What? I dreaded falling in love. What? But I knew this would be my last.

it better be I'm happy what there is no chance this is his last marriage it's marriage number five no the jury hall one

only lasted for five minutes and this is this is going to last a month if this is the second half of his life it's 92 years it's not the last 92 years I mean there are many many women at least five or six women

yet to be born who are slated to marry it. It's definitely happening but exciting news she's only she's 69 isn't she in 66

66 so she's only 25 years younger than Yeah Or 26 Yeah I just I mean What's a few decades Between lovers

Really In this case Well I suppose it depends I suppose at that Like it rounded To the nearest 100 Yeah that's true Well the other things

They're probably not going to have children together One would imagine I mean I don't want to limit The possibilities At the age of 66 That's very No I think that's very sexist Dom

To say say that a woman can't have. It may be medically possible. Maybe he can splice some genes together. Yeah. It's entirely possible. But I love this information about the relationship. The couple will split their time between California, Britain, Montana and New York.

They're not going to ever come to Australia. What the fuck? Like, Rupert, this is where you came from. Yeah. Well, no, but he came from Adelaide. He's going, I wonder he doesn't want to come back. He's going to four places with his new wife, and not one of them is Australia. If Adelaide fucking fixed their coffee, maybe he'd spend a bit of time here, pay a bit of tax here as well.

Absolutely. Well, look, it just goes to show love can find a wage. You know what they say? Fifth time lucky. But what's the proposition? That's not nice. Your watch just said. Oh, my God.

My watch has been, has been listening in. And it just said that's not nice. Look at this. Your entire podcast has been transcribed by Siri Is Rip Murdoch inside your watch? That's not actually Siri, that's Petey. Oh, who's Petey? I've got Petey on my watch,

which is an AI robot linked to GPT4, which can answer any question you like. Why earth did you let chat GPT onto your phone, Charles? No, it's brilliant. A thing's not terrifying enough? It says, ask me anything. Okay, okay. What do you want to ask?

What is in it for Rupert Murdoch's new one? wife. Okay. Question mark. Okay, it's got the question. It's answering. This is chilling. Okay.

Thinking. I don't think it. What is in it for Rubik-Modok's new wife? As an AI language model, I do not have any access to personal information about individuals or their motives. Additionally, I believe it is inappropriate, Dom, to speculate or make assumptions about a person's personal life. I think that is correct.

Thank you, Petey. Not when it's Rubik-Modok. Yes. And also, it was probably true. that we weren't being very nice. The man has spent 70 years prioring in other people's personal life. There is no one who is less

able to claim that, you know, an invasion of privacy. Do you think we should hire a pap to go and crash the wedding? Yeah. And go through the garbage. Yes. I want to go through.

I want to, you know, get all the detriters, all the used condoms, whatever it is. No, it would be adult diapers, weren't it? Whatever it is that they've got. Prostate tests. Oh, yeah, the medical tech.

We should definitely, you know what we should do, Charles. We should ring up and hack the voicemail and just find out what's in. Yes, yes. Although I think for that to be purely Murdoch style, they'd have to have died before. Oh, in a horrible manner. Yeah, and a tragic death. Before you hack the voice mail of them. Yeah, and the pin would have to be one, two, three, four.

Isn't that how they got here before? So what does this mean for the rest of the empire? Apparently Murdoch hasn't watched Succession. Did you see this? Someone found his email address from the court filing. He's actually an email address. And some enterprising journalist emailed him and said, Rupert, what do you think of Succession?

And he said, I haven't watched it. Bullshit, yeah. No, no. I couldn't understand that because, you know, when I do live shows, I never read the reviews, right? Just in case they say something that you didn't get fixated on. And that's sort of like, succession is sort of like a review of his life. life. He's lived it. He doesn't need to watch it being

re-corrected. And the Queen wouldn't have watched the Crown. She was there for the... Yeah, exactly. You sort of go, oh, bloody reality television. So does this mean that, I mean, Lachlan is clearly the kind of Kendall Roy of the family? He's still in pole position

to be the successor, isn't he? Or do we think, I think it's possible that Grace or Chloe, the two, Wendy Dang's daughters, might sneak in at the end once they're older. But isn't there a suggestion that they're Chinese operatives? Well, isn't that a plus in this climate? Yeah, that's true.

It'd be enormously beneficial. No, except aren't they wanting to go to war with China? I'll say, better check the fraternity's not Tony Blair's just quietly. Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah. I'm sure he has, to be honest. I'm absolutely sure he could have done that. So, I don't know. I mean, it just, I like to think that if I were 92,

I could fall in love and get married to anyone I wanted as long as I was a billionaire and they knew they were going to get a massive settlement. Apparently, Jerry Hall got something like 230 million euros or some massive amount of money. Right. Like the amount per minute to be married to Rupert Murdoch is pretty good. It's worth it. It's worth it. Well, look, Rupert, I mean, I'm married at the moment,

but I'm happy to ditch my wife for him. Apparently $230 million, she's getting a $230 million retreat or has it already. Private Jets, PJs, P. Yeah, it's per secession, and $10 million a year. So that's a lot, that's a lot per fuck. Why would you? That's probably $100 million. dollars per sexual encounter.

If there were any with a 90-year-old man, I don't know. I want to limit. No, Dom. You think? You're being ageist. You're being sexist. You're being...

To the contrary, I hope that they enjoyed every... You're being nasty, according to Peter. Every fleeting minute. Charles, I'm worried that you have an AI on your watch that chips in without being asked for. Cast judgment on our podcast. Anyway. of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report

should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. So that's the news. The news is the marriage is happening. Gosh, I really hope no tabloids interrupt the wedding. No, yeah, no. Well, no, we're going to send somebody along and we'll do it. She should definitely send Loughlin.

Loughlin should go there and we should disavow any knowledge of it. I think we need to hire somebody who Rupert fancies to be the sixth life and then split the proceeds. Do you know any attractive 50-somethings who could, I think we'd probably do who could just sideline up yeah i mean there's no no time like the present you may as well start on the next maybe my wife do you think yes she's very attractive i'd have to divorce her but it'd be worth it for the money it would be definitely worth it for the money absolutely and also imagine imagine the stories yes oh the yarns the film rights yes and the sex okay let's move on

it's all just flesh don't it's just flesh it's it's wrinkled fluff have you seen rupert recently. Yeah, but we're all going to be wrinkled one day. I really don't think you should be going down this line. I don't want to end shame. Look, I think if we could all, in all on sincerity, if we have as much vitality as he's managed to purchase from high-grade pharmaceutical companies at the Aged 92, too.

Yes. It's incredible. Yes. Most people, most 92-year-olds are just doing nothing. They've got dementia. But I think lizards can live to about 150. So that's what. Reptilians.

Yes. Yeah. I mean, I must say, aren't they supposed to be. shape shifting, because if so, you might want to think about that. That shape's got a little bit of mileage. Anyway, let's move on. Amazing news, Charles, for people who see psychiatrists and or drug users, because the TGA, the Therapeutic Goods Administration, has authorized psychiatrists to prescribe MDMA and psilocybin, which is the active ingredient in magic mushrooms. So is this all psychiatrists?

There are certain psychiatrists. Fuck. You'd have to check your psychiatrists allowed to. So it's all happening. They're able to do it. It's supposedly going to help. There are a few wrinkles, just a couple of wrinkles with the plan. The expectation is, and this is in the news today, Australians are expected to pay out of pocket

costs of at least $25,000 to receive this treatment. So it's only going to be for rich people in the first instance. $25,000. What? $25,000. to get these drugs, which I must say makes my neighbourhood drug dealer seem like an amazing bargain. Hang on, but like, in Asia cost about 30 bucks, shouldn't it? So you can get them legally.

It's just that why on earth would you when it costs it 100 times more than the street price? I don't understand. Well, it can't be a patent on it. Like, what's the, why does it cost so much? You need multiple psychologists to supervise the sessions when they're administered. You need therapy in between. No. The drugs themselves are expensive.

Just give us the drugs. There's a clinic. No. And also there's not... I'll tell you what the clinic should be. It should be a fucking rocking, rocking dance party, yeah. That'll do. I mean, in this day and age probably costs thousands of dollars for a good night out, isn't it in Sydney?

And it hasn't... The whole system for actually approving psychiatrists and supplying yet has not been identified. So the new story here says, psychiatrists will have to source and supply unapproved medicines themselves. So they've said you can have psilocybin and MDMA. They've just said, you know, there aren't any products that are approved yet. So in other words, your psychiatrist has to become a drug. Right, right.

They should become a drug dealer. Yeah, in order. Which is an amazing business model for psychiatry, isn't it? Well, surely the obvious thing to do is for all the good drug dealers are to move into psychiatry. That's true. probably easier. It's probably easier, rather than psychiatrists, because they wouldn't have to connect. And also, the drug dealers, I know, they're very personable. I'm sure. They'd make

good psychiatrists. They'd be very caring, I'm sure. And it'll be much harder. I would think for a psychiatrist to figure out how to, you know, get the stuff smuggled in from Bolivia or wherever it is, versus going and getting qualification. There's just a year or two. Yeah. That'd be nice and easy. Yeah, that's a great system. So do you think this is going to have, I've never had magic mushrooms. I've never had mushrooms, though I've just recently, I met some who makes his own asset, which is solo, you know,

solo, whatever it's called. Oh, I thought that was Magic Mushrooms, anyway, Silo Saven. Oh, Silo Sabin.

Well, he may, oh, so is Mushroom? I don't think you can do acid. You've got to do MDMA. I've heard of, there may be legal

a list down the track, but this is for magic mushrooms and MDM. But I've bummed into this guy at a party who actually gave me a couple of tabs of ass. I haven't done it yet, but it's pretty good.

cool. It's not really what we're talking about, but thank you you for confessing that on the podcast. I suppose also if you have enough magic mushrooms. Apparently, it's really simple to make, and you make gallons of it, and you only take like a little tiny drop on a piece of paper. So that's why it was giving away. It's a cottage industry.

The cost is virtually zero. We should all go into drug dealers. So I suppose also, if you do have enough solid, side, that if you have enough magic mushrooms, wouldn't you hallucinate that you were a licensed psychiatrist and start handing it out? Yeah, yeah. That would have worked very well.

It's a billion. So, wait a minute. Magic mushrooms are illegal, are they? No, they can be prescribed by a psychiatrist. It's just that there's no legal way of supplying them. What I'm saying is they haven't thought this through, Charles. No, they haven't. They haven't.

What they need to do is you take some mushrooms, find some clarity. Yes. Think about, for instance, if you're going to have, if you're going to legalize something, work out a way of supplying it. Yes, I agree. It's just causing a lot of stress to these poor people.

But no, I've heard interviews with people who say it completely rewires your brain. Oh, yeah, I've heard that it's brilliant. And, I mean, to be honest, my brain is one that is always badly needed rewiring. I mean, I can completely see the point is, maybe I'd wake up and go, why the fuck am I doing a podcast? But the funny thing is, like, so I know somebody who did it over in LA legally, because you can do it, you know. And he...

Don't they give you mushrooms when he get off the plane. LAX? Yeah, pretty much. And he was always a bit of a narcissist, Trial. I always just talked only about himself, a very, very self-absorbed. And what the magic mushrooms allowed him to do was to talk about something that was also to do with himself.

Oh, but it was a new angle on himself. Yeah, so it was really mind-expanding. Yeah, well worth the $25,000. What would the drug be that would get this person to stop talking about themselves? Um, maybe heroin. Large quantities of heroin. Yeah, there you go.

Okay, so the final news story I want to talk about Charles is the East South Wales election. Oh, sorry, I'm just got to lie down and go to sleep. It's getting tighter and tighter. The polls are making it very clear that the people in New South Wales don't actually give a shit who the next Premier is. And all their attempts to capture the attention of the electorate have gone nowhere. You know what Dominic Perrita, the current Premier, pitched, you know, as we've reached the end of the campaign, his big pitch to try and win either.

West and Sydney was putting up the speed limit on West Kinex to 90 kilometres per hour so that people can fang it into the CBD. It's going for the rephead vote. But Chris Min, you won't have heard the name of it, even if you've heard it before you've forgotten it. Yes. That's the Labour leader, the alternate Premier. Yes.

His electric bus, he went out in an electric bus and it ran out of battery, which of Dominic Perotan immediately came and said, it's a symbol for his economic plan. It's run out of juice. What? Because Labor can't manage the economy. Right. Okay. It's a bit of a long bar.

Do we need a neither option? Why is there no go back to drawing board and bring us someone better option? Well, there's Mark Latham. He's running in like 20 seats. You were running against, you were going to run against him and you didn't do it. I couldn't be bothered. Every single time. To be fair, I said that I would do the opposite of everything that Mark Lathen did.

And Mark Latham decided to run big in this election, so I decided to not run in this election. If he has the balance of power in the upper house, because it could be a hung parliament at the lower house too. If he has an MP in the lower house, let's say, in the upper house, if he controls New South Wales after this election, it will be entirely your fault. Yeah.

You would have won. I would give my left ball to Mark Latham. To Mark Latham so that he had two balls just to get him to. I don't know that's a terrible joke I mean that's the most enduring thing about him isn't it? The thing I love about that story by the way is that apparently he heard it on ABC radio that you've got

to do a self-check and initially he was like oh thank God for the ABC when he was Labor leader and now he conveniently forgets that you don't hear that on Alan Jones do you hey life though I don't know um okay so but wait a minute

so we're going to do some predictions about Saturday for all the interstate listeners who are desperate to get our punditry on the New South Wales election. You know, I've got to go on radio later this week and someone's giving me half an hour to talk about the New South Wales election. Oh, no.

I'm going to do three minutes and then talk about something else. I think the biggest result I want to see is I want to see Charles Peritay extradited from Victoria back to New South Wales to face the corruption. I want to see a full collection of every

peritay I want to see in the Parliament. But you know that that's, So somebody added it up. So he's got this policy where you get $400 from the government for every child, as long as you also happen to have $400 of spare cash lying around. Yes, which ensures that the money will only go to people who don't need it. Exactly. So, but Dominic Perotay has 25,000 children, right?

That's right. So he's actually going to make $10 million out of that policy. It's brilliant. You know what he actually said about that? People said, well, aren't you going to cash in for this? He was like, I know. No, I've already got long-term save his accounts from my children, so there. But doesn't that mean he'll get

the money? It means that he has enough money to live on even though he has seven children. Well, that's just boasting. This is the only person. It's completely unrelatable. He lives in Sydney. Nobody can afford to live in Sydney. Not alone with seven children. He's the only person in the entire state who can actually afford

the cost of living. Well, can I just say, is absolute coldstone proof that he is corrupt because there is no way how much does the premier get what three four hundred thousand dollars a year that is not even enough to get started in sydney or seven kids it wouldn't be able to rent a one better for that no you can call it i can't possibly comment anyway um predictions i think it's definitely going to be a hung parliament because i can't imagine anyone going to the polls and going i prefer whatever but who who like there'll be Alex Greenwich it'd be completely random Alex Greenwich Or nationals, few teals.

There's a North Sydney teal who's apparently brilliant. It will be completely impossible and it will take days to, because you can imagine, if you're Alex Greenwich and you've got the balance of power, and he's worked quite a lot with the liberals over the last term, but he's probably left to the centre. Who's you going to support? Yeah. Why would you want to support either of them in his Premier? So what you're saying is the balance of power between property developers and pokey operators.

Yes, that's right. It'll be an alliance of the two. And what we'll see is giant skyscrapers built. in front of everyone's view that are actually fully functional pokies. The entire building has a giant screen on it

to turn into a pokey. That's what Sydney needs. At least we'll be able to fang it on the West Connect. Yeah, he used to that. But not an electric van. Our gear is from Road. We are part of the

Iconiclast podcast network. See ya.