The Chaser Report - Firth* Receives Order of Australia

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

*But not the Firth you expected. The Chaser Report you love is back with new daily episodes fresh from the Chaser's own podcast-oven. Get that up ya.We've still got a few of our blasphemous George Pell t-shirts available at https://chasershop.com/products/straight-to-pell-t-shirt so buy them before they get moved to another parish. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firt and back is Dom Knight. Hello, Charles. Yay. Happy 2023. Now, I should clarify, we actually said that we weren't putting out another podcast till Monday

because you're a lazy baza, Dom. You just, we said, oh, this. will be the first week of podcasting and then you never turned up to work. What's going on? That is true, but I am working extremely hard. I'm minding both of my children. You know that that's not work.

You know that there's not work. Guiding my in-laws around Melbourne this week. That is work. Isn't your eldest offspring supposed to be in school? Is she wagging the first few days of her school? My daughter is attending the same school, that your children attended and without left, conveniently.

And in their wisdom, the local school decided that the kindergarten kids didn't need to start for a fucking week after the rest of the kids. An entire week. Yes.

No other school. No other school is starting as late as the 6th of February. Every other kid that I know is starting this week, sensibly. For some reason, local school just went,

oh, no, having for another week. It'll be fine. You don't need any money. And so, yes, the trauma of the appraisal Henton's just been drawn out for another week of anguish, given that my daughter's terrified and not sleeping.

So thank you, public education system, for just making sure that you do the bare minimum in the situation. You also had this interview. You actually had this thing called a best start interview, right, this week, and you know what their definition of a best start for a child beginning kindy is? You turn up to the hall with your kid. And they just take the kid away for half an hour.

One-on-one, the kid just disappeared. peers into some room somewhere and you're left going, where's my child? What are you doing with her? What's going on? I'm sure that, you know, I'm sure they bet the teachers but it's a bit freaky. But it wasn't, like it wasn't a Catholic school

so I think it would be fine. No, no, it was a state school. Yeah, yeah. It's hippies. I assume that the public education system is the like it was when I went through it, it's just run by hippies, right? Is that still true?

I know the school that you're talking about that my kids went there and there hasn't been a pedophile there for five years, Dom. Like, it's fine. Seriously? Yes. And the pedophile was one of the teaching assistants in my eldest son's class. Oh, my God.

And they don't tell you, by the way, they don't tell you, Dom, at this school if there's been a pedophile. They just arrest them, have the court thing, and then you read about it in the newspaper. That's how we found out. So you're saying that they move the problem to the side and don't actually confront it head on. I'm very glad that my daughter's going to get all the benefits of the Catholic Education without any of the fees. Yeah, that's great. But look, speaking of education, Charles, there's some amazing news that I just wanted to acknowledge,

and I'm quite serious here. The Australia Day honours this year features someone very, very special. Not really, no. Verity Firth AM. This is your big sister, Verity. Yes. Has been made a member of the Order of Australia. What an amazing accomplishment

Gosh, she's a superstar She's two years older than me So I've got two years to get an AM Whatever that is What is a fucking AM? AM is the fucking Is the bargain basement version Of the Order of Australia, isn't it?

That's the bullshit one Not quite, that's the OAM You get a medal But you don't quite, you're not a member Oh, okay So she's the, I think the second tier from the bottom Right, so she's like silver Yeah, no,

She's doing very, very well. But, I mean, that's pretty impressive. And what did she get it? She's not 50 yet, right? Like, she got it for like... She's turning 50 later this year, based on this Wikipedia entry that I'm reading now. Like, she's... What a star.

But she got it for, I think, from memory, she got it for being a politician or something. Which is like, she was a politician in the most corrupt government in New South Wales history, which is saying something. Her title is the Honourable Professor Verity Firth, A. Honourable, Tick, Professor, Tick, A.M. Tick. I've got a bit of... I reckon being the least corrupt member of an incredibly corrupt government is actually a worthy reason.

Yeah, it's just to give someone an award. How did she resist that? The Serpico. Well, how do we know? Like, she's got all these fucking medals. She's walked away with a whole lot of loot. She's got a whole lot of titles. Given the kind of people that they give the Order of Australia to,

like, you know... Wasn't Pell, a member of the... the order of Australia. I think he had the highest one, wasn't he in AC? Yeah, so there you go. Gina Reinhardt's got one of the top honours too, I think. Don't they? Clive Palmer?

The thing's probably got one too. Yeah, so there you go. So Verity is now the Twiggy Forest or the Gina Reinhardt of my family. There you go. I mean, there's no nice way to say this, Charles. Yeah. You haven't done as well, have you? I mean, can I just make the point that she's already updated her LinkedIn?

Hang on. Did she go viral? on the internet yesterday for a silly stunt about George Pell? No. No. But somebody else in the family did. She's the executive director of social justice, helping refugees. She's the director of social justice.

Like she goes to work every day and makes the world better. No, but has it worked? Is the world a just place? No. Well, thanks, Verity. Well, that's because you're pulling equally hard on the opposite direction. I mean, you should get some sort of order of un-Australia, should you? And what you did this week was absolutely outrageous going and interrupting George Pell's funeral of all things.

Can't you have just a modicum of respect for a pillar, a pillar of the establishment in Australia, Charles? I'm just going to check this. I think he was an AC. Was he? Well, his AC is the top one. Your uncle has one, doesn't he? I don't think so. Your brother's most successful. Wait, hang on, what are we talking about? I can turn the tables immediately.

I've just realized, Dom, for listeners who don't know, has a much, much, much, much, much, much more successful brother than him called Jasper Night. You might, if you ever sort of go along to the New South Wales Art Gallery or something like that, check out the Jasper Knights on display. Do you have any artworks on display in the art gallery at the moment, Dom? No, no. But you know what, if he's looking for a subject for the Archibald Prize, He couldn't do much better than

The Honourable Professor Verity Firth AM A shining member of the And hang on if we're talking about eminent members of our family What about your family Your aunt was the fucking president Of the Legislative Council of New South Wales Yeah, no, exactly

So it's sort of hardly You're the black sheep No she's No You are the black sheep My sister is a nepo baby She just She just rode on the coat tails

Of my aunt being a politician and essentially all her success in life is valueless, as far as I'm concerned. Whereas I, I paved my way. Nobody, and Dom, you'll attest to this, nobody in my family is funny. And yet I have made a whole career out of... Actually, your family is quite earnest. In fact, your entire career is a massive backlash against your family. I am the backshed.

Going and making the world better and doing things and believing things. Didn't you have an eminent grandfather or a great-grandfather with some sort of bishop or something? The Red Bishop? He was the guy who opposed Robert Menzies when Robert Menzies tried to ban the Communist Party back in the early 1950s. What an amazing family you have for just generations, decades of just fighting against the right and losing every single bout. It's extraordinary. Look at all the work you've done with The Chaser for so many. You're the founder of the Chaser.

I mean, they're co-founders, but it was your idea. to begin with. We can acknowledge that. And just the social change that we've failed to bring about over all the decades of doing it, the incredible lack of success that we've had. In that way, I am carrying on my family's legacy, really. Actually, that's true. You and Verity have that in common. You've both fought very, very hard and achieved very. Except she's now an AM. Yeah, that's right. Do you think it's got anything to do with the fact that she and the new

Prime Minister Anthony Avanese used to work together, like Verity was a staffer for Anthony Oh really? Yeah, for four years, like right at the beginning. And so she's basically mates with the Prime Minister. And this is just like another example of mates giving mates medals for things. Don't you think that's more, you know, likely than that my sister is any good at anything? More successful than you. none of the medical advice contained in the chaser report should legally be considered medical advice

the chaser report i tried to get her on the podcast actually um i tweeted her about coming on to explain how much more successful she was than you she liked the tweet but she was too busy fixing things up and saving the world and about social justice if actually have the time to schedule to shit on you i mean i don't think she was opposed to the idea of shitting on you on the podcast charles i just think that she's so successful that i mean if we if it could have taken too minutes or three minutes she might have given it up to you but i don't think she has half an hour she probably looked at the ratings of this podcast and went oh i don't have time for such a small trivial pursuit well i liked it we were going to this year we made a real commitment

we're going to make the podcast format much more topical we're going to talk about the news and what happened i suppose this sort of is vaguely about last week sort of australia but it largely feels enormously naval gasey itself indulge it doesn't it so there we go Continuing in that same manner. Yeah, but look, can I... It just completely changed the topic for a second. That's probably wise, if anyone's made this far. I received, can you see that, Don?

Yeah. I received from Medibank, this notice dated the 20th of December a good, you know, six weeks ago, saying that all my information has been leaked onto the dark web. Oh, wow. And point four, right. So basically it says you're definitely going to be, you know, like... So I can purchase your details.

Yes, you can purchase my details. But point four, which is very dark, right, is, you know, they go through, you know, protect your identity. You've got to sign up for some ID care program that the government's rolled out to sort of protect all of us. But point four is just a list of contact data. details for suicide hotlines. So if you're feeling distressed or anxious, please reach out. Here's the Beyond Blue and Lifeline numbers. Charles.

Or call triple zero. I'm reading the same email. Oh, what? I, too, had my details leaked by Medibank on the dark web. Oh, dear. Did they tell you to try and kill yourself? That seems a bit. They have exactly the same.

Yeah, I got exactly. the same email. The weird thing for me is that I haven't been a customer of Medibank in at least 10 years. Yeah, so they obviously, their data retention policies are, you know, aren't you supposed to delete data 30 days after that? This is the one thing

Medibank is good at. The one successful thing that Medibank's ever done has been retaining my personal information for so long to get stolen and linked on the dark web. Well, I got a bit of a punchline for you because neither, I haven't been a Metabank customer for about five years, right?

But look at who they addressed it to. It reads Charles Firth, F-E-R-T-H. They don't even have my fucking proper name. Charles, that's fantastic. I know. What a relief. Yeah, I'll tell you that Charles Firth with an ease. Fieth.

It's going to have to call Lifeline, I think. Actually, you know what? You know what? Because you know how families, you probably started out with a policy with them with your whole family kind of thing back in the day. Yeah, yeah. Does that mean there's any chance, if I go on the dark web? Yes.

Of getting the details of the Honourable Professor Verde 1st AM? Because they would be worth something. Yes, that would be worth a lot. And you could maybe even sell her medal. Would have she won. So how did the conversation go down? Did she actually ring and say? Was she play a cool?

How did it work? I found out reading your tweet. Right? And then I thought, oh, maybe you're just joking or whatever. Oh, that's right. Craig tweeted Verity. That's what it was. Because in the successful person's club that they're both in.

I presume there's like a group chat. He would have been looking for the honours, looking for his own name. That's what he would have been doing. Actually, he'll probably get one, won't you? So what I did was I texted Verity, and this is what I said. I said, you got a fucking A-O was my thing. And then she went, sure did Baby Doll. It was her response.

Although it's not actually an A-O. It's an A-M. Which is not as impressive. blah blah blah so that means she'll get that next time she can still you can be upgraded yeah yeah oh yeah you've got to look it would have been unfair on her someone as highly successful as her to give her an a.O right away because then there's nothing to strive for that's right you need to have extra goals but you know the good news charles what the good news is and i've heard these ads on you know ABC radio and stuff they say anybody can nominate anyone you don't just have to be albo's mate although it probably

helps anyone can be nominated so we could nominate you oh yes we could actually say yes you could potentially get it before the same age as verity you could get it next year and what would the services what would be the services to like what were my services this is what have I done you're genuine dilemma it's a genuine services to mediocrity it could be Charles there is one thing you can do there is one genuine thing that you can do yeah if if you manage to to pull it off I think you would go straight to AC and you'd gaza up your sister. Yes.

All you have to do. Yes. All you have to do is follow through on something you promised to do on this podcast. And run against Mark Latham. And run against Mark Latham. Yes. And stop him from getting elected. Because then A, you'd be a politician like your sister and get a free order for doing nothing.

But also, you wouldn't have to do anything. All you would do is the exact opposite of Mark Latham. When did nominations close? When he sends a tweet, when he sends a tweet out saying that only white civilizations have achieved, for anything, you would just say, you would just reply saying, you just reply saying, no, you're racist. Isn't that the opposite? No, what would it be?

So how do, so I'm just looking up the web now. When have you got it? Well, I haven't declared the election yet, so you'd be fine. Yeah, yeah, so I can still nominate. But should I, can I just suggest instead of nominating for legislative council, which would be incredibly boring, why not just register to run in? the seat that I'm in, because that used to be held by Verity, right?

And so what I could do is I run for her seat and she lost her seat. She did. She actually just completely lost the seat. To Jamie Parker. To Jamie Parker, right, to the ground. Hang on a sec. Who's retiring?

So you wouldn't need to beat him, which no Firth can do, apparently. And what I would do is I'd run on the slogan, vote for Firth, the name you can trust. Hang on a sec. That would work. See, hang on, that would work if she'd managed to stay in the seat for many years as a successful local member. But, in fact, she lost repeatedly Jamie Parker.

So, not so much. He went to the George Pell funeral, by the way. Who did? Mark Latham. Mark Latham. And we tried to disrupt. Yes, he was, he just tweeted that he was at the Pell funeral earlier today. Of course he was.

What of, well, see, there you go. I would have, you know, like, carried through on my pledge and not been at the funeral. Although I wasn't, you were there the day before to try and interrupt it No, I wasn't there, I was to help them burial their evidence Where's that video of people haven't seen it, by the way? Oh yeah, so if you want to see the Pell stunt It's a little bit hard, we don't really have a central clearinghouse anymore You can go to Twitter, it's at Chaser is our Twitter

Oh yeah, you've taken down all the web assets, haven't you? Well, the web is there You just actually have to just register If you register your email and name you can see it on the, I think you can see it on the website. I'll put it up on the website if it hasn't gone up there. It'll be somewhere. Channel 7 or someone actually made their own cut,

which was arguably better than our cut. That's very nice. So can I just, Charles, if this tweet doesn't make you decide to run, nothing will. 26th of January, my birthday, Mark Latham's tweet, The Greatest Invention of Humankind has been Western Civilisation. It arrived here 235 years ago on the... 26th of January, 1788, what a moment, what a day to celebrate, happy Australia Day. That was Mark Latham on the 26th of January, 2023.

Are you going to do it? I'm going to do it. I'm going to run. I'm going to run. I will definitely lose, but I'm going to run anyway. Well, Charles, we were talking about trying to get a new office for the podcast. Like, where better than New South Wales Parliament? Yes.

I love the fact that I'll also be out of the state for most of the month of March. which we'll be in the elections on. But won't Mark Latham be in the state? So that's carrying through on my promise to do the opposite of Mark Lathen. Yeah, because I'll be in Adelaide doing the Wankanomics live show. Tickets are available to national tour at wankanomics.com. And, Charles, if we've established one thing today, it's that you are a wanker, but less successful than the Honourable Professor Verity Firth A.N.

Who is arguably also a wanker, though? Well, it does give you an air of humility That otherwise you never ever have Nice to be back, Charles Algiers from Roe, we're part of the Iconoclast Network Iconiclast Network, you say Iconicest Network Yeah, we're setting up our own network

Called Iconiclast It's very exciting actually Just not quite as good as Verity's podcast network But nevertheless, it's, you know, good for the kid brother to try How many Logies does she have? I've got more Logis She has none, which makes her better than you for another reason.