The Chaser Report - Flipping the Bird at the War on Waste | WTTF

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

Dom has an alarming update on the war on waste, featuring some of its crunchiest fallen soldiers. Meanwhile Charles brings good news in the form of an algae that might save everyone from microplastics. --Read the ABC Report on Lord Howe Island's birds HEREFollow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] our caviar addiction: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the future, future. And this is also an episode of the Chaser Report. The Chaser Report. Charles, this is going to be one of those glass half empty or glassful scenarios. And in particular, the glass is made out of plastic and it's been thrown in the ocean. Now, we've talked a bit before about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, the massive amount of plastic debris floating in the ocean over, I think it's thousands and thousands of kilometers.

Oh, yes. We've also talked about how microplastics are everywhere in the entire world. At the top of Mount Everest, you find them, bottom of the ocean, there is an issue with plastics. The good news is there is one species that is doing its bit to rid the world of plastics. Oh, wow, is this that algae that they've discovered that can eat plastics? Oh, do look, I want to know more about that because that's the only way we're getting a happy ending at the end of this episode. Oh, is this not a happy ending?

And you might think, Charles, is it humans? Is this a trigger warning? Is it humans that are doing a wonderful job and cleaning up the plastics we've created and brought into the world? Yes. No. Oh. I want to give a shout out to a species in a particular place.

Oh, good. I want to talk about the birds of Lord Howe Island. Thank you for your. patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at fizz.ca. I don't know if this is good or bad. There's 500 humans on Lord Howe Island. There's 44,000 Shear Waters, aka mutton birds. And their bellies, Charles, are full of plastic. One bird had 788 pieces of plastic in its belly. Which gets rid of it from the environment.

Which is a wonderful act of self-sacrifice. Good. And these birds are so committed to ingesting plastic, Charles. Here's the thing. They crunch. They actually crunch when they move around. They do not. They do.

Wow, that's a crunchy bird, Charles. That is a bird that's... So that is disgusting, right? That is fucking disgusting. I played that to my kids the other day. And they did not believe that that was the sound of a crunching bird. Like, they literally refused to believe it. They went, no, it wouldn't be that.

It would be scales or the feathers or something like that. But then you look at the video and you go, I don't know, that's a fucking bird. Like, it's just, this is fucking full of plastic. It's just disgusting. Let's listen to it again. I mean, It's not dissimilar to, like, it's got the same sort of level of satisfaction as, you know, that plastic material in packaging that you can pop. Oh, the bubbles.

Yeah. It's like a, it's like a fitchet. Yes. You know how kids love those bubbles that you can sort of pop and repop? Yes. That bird is a living fichet. Yes, exactly. Charles, there's a key element in this article by Jake Evans of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

I don't want to draw your attention to this because this is a bit of a problem. It says here, we are not. winning the war on waste. Oh. Fighting Korean Senator Peter Wish Wilson. And that means, do you know whose fault this is? Yeah, that's Craig's fault. And I think, actually just thinking about it, that means that Craig is not some sort of

Napoleonic figure. He's Harold. Like, he's, he's King Harold being defeated in the Battle of Hastings by William, the Conqueror. This is a very strange metaphor. Yeah. Okay. You think, like, he mounded the war on waste and lost.

Isn't he also King Canute telling the seed to recede? Waste recede. And, yeah, it's all, the water has gone into the sea. Because the thing is, the plastic, the microplastic things is genuinely alarming. Yeah, all our brains have microplastics in them. And all our, you know, testicles and reproductive organs and things like that, they reckon that that's the reason why people are getting more and more infertile. And also, they tried to do a study on. it to work out, you know, what's the difference between people who have microplastics in their body and

people who don't. And they couldn't find anyone in the world to study. They couldn't find a control. They couldn't find a control of people who didn't have microplastics. We've actually got rid of all the plastic containers in our kitchen. Really? And replace them with glass. Because you're worried about the microplastics getting into your bodies. Yeah. Yeah. And like the cutting boards and things like that. So yeah, and we've been chucking all the plastic stuff that we used to own in the ocean Did you get rid of it? Well, I mean, you like eating a nice roast bird, don't you? We should have mutton birds.

No, look, I mean, look, it's good on the mutton birds to take one for the team. Well, at least the mutton bird. At least the mutton bird doesn't taste like mutton anymore, it tastes like plastic. Oh, my God. So it's a depressing story, but it does show a way forward. But also, the funny thing is, so it's like 700 pieces of plastic or something like that. You go, I must be small pieces of plastic. Those birds only weigh about 200 grams.

Like, they're tiny little birds. But the pieces of plastic that are in them are enormous. It's like a toothbrush head. Yes. So they're very good. And the reason why, just to sort of circle back on that whole story, the reason why they've got so much plastic is because they live on Lord Howe Island part of the year. And then they fly all the way to Japan and back each year.

So they're importing Japanese plastic. That's cool of plastic. Well, I presume what they're doing is they're stopping a lot of. the way on the Great Pacific Ocean garbage patch. Yeah, yeah. And they're going, oh, look, there's a tasty, tasty, I don't know, a mousal of toothbrush. Yeah, toothbrush head.

I mean, Dr. Lavers, this woman, the scientist, when she first went to Lord Howe Island in 2008, three thousand, three quarters of the birds had about five to ten pieces of plastic. Yep. Then she saw every single bird had 50 or more. Yeah. Then last month, they hadn't found any, the biggest number was 403. Yes. And yeah, the 700.

78 pieces, an 80-day-old seabird chick in what is one of the most pristine, it says here corners the planet, of course, which just goes to show, Charles, I don't want to shame anyone here, but is this really human's fault, or is it that the mutton bird is stupid? I'm sorry, I don't want to, I don't know, whose fault is this? Is this our fault for polluting the ocean? No, it's Craig. The mutton bird, no, it's Craig's for eating the plastic. Oh, it's Craig's fault. Yeah. I mean, for not winning, for not winning the war on waste, which Charles, I don't want to be one of those, you know, people. I don't want to be one of those people.

I know I don't feel this way about it. I got to say it. That series was produced with taxpayers' money. Who paid for the war on waste, which we like. It's the emu war all over again, Charles. Yes. And I distinctly remember Craig, you know, flying in onto that, you know, I think it was like an aircraft carrier type thing in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

And he had the mission accomplished banner. And he said, we've won the war on waste. I remember that. Is that actually a series? I haven't watched it because I'm pro-waist. I won't get involved in that. You watched the Sky News version of War on Waste, which is War not on Waste. War in favour of...

But this makes me think, Charles. Can I just say, like, how many... You mentioned the Great Pacific Garbage Patch before. Guess how many square kilometres it is? I think you had a guess at it. It's absolutely enormous. I know it's bigger than most countries. So guess what number of square kilometres?

He's 1.6 million's quick kilometers. I knew I'd be low. That's amazing. Okay, but let's go to a break, but then I want to talk about the algae that eats plastic. Oh, good. Go ahead to that. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

Can't take being on hold anymore. Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at 15. dollars a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser report. News you know you can't trust. Okay, Charles, before we get to the positive side of this,

there's another positive in this. I mentioned it briefly before, but Charles, we've discussed before, I think maybe on that Cat's Pajamas or Cats Piss podcast that we did before, the EMEU war, one of the most fascinating periods in Australian history, when we not once but twice tried to take on EMEU's. And lost.

Soldiers with broad artillery and, you know, all kinds of machine guns. Machine guns are trying to destroy the emus, the rogue emus, and lost comprehensively. But it's a long game, Charles. Are there emos that crunch? Because if there aren't, there might be soon. Oh, I see. It's a way to win the war on Emmys. Get the plastic in the bellies.

But we don't have any plastic anymore because Craig made us throw it all out. Like, is your strategy to feed them plastic straws? Because I don't go to McDonald's, they don't have plastic straws anymore. You know you can bring your own. That's what I do I bring my own And I bring extra ones To throw in the bin

Just to prove a point Just because I can't actually That's not true But nevertheless The thing is Should we just keep in Should we just accept That we are plastic

Like if we're finding plastic Charles If we're fighting a war on waste We're fighting ourselves This is part of us now We are plastic Yeah I see what you're saying Let's stop being so self-hating

Yeah It's just a form of self-hatred Yeah Love the plastic that makes up a lot of parts of our bodies. That said, though, do tell us about the algae, because we've got to leave some sort of positive. Yeah, okay.

So, thing is, I looked at up, algae that eats plastic. And the AI overview from Google is there is no known algae, no algae known to actively eat plastic. Oh, it doesn't exist. Yeah, I thought there was one, too. But what it's saying is... Hang on, it's an AI telling you that. Yeah, no.

Can we try something that actually works? So, well, this is from the Guardian. and it's funny because actually the AI in this circumstance has actually boiled it down quite well, which is it's sort of pointing out that all the headlines that say, oh, we could have an algae that eats plastic is all in the subjunctive and then the few could and stuff like that. The whole point is there is no algae that does that. Hang on, there's a BBC report here about a, oh, they've made a self-digesting plastic. Okay, so it can self-destruct because they put plastic eating bacteria.

into the plastic and then it eats itself, is the hope. But it's not like we can unleash some algae on the Great Pacific Ocean patch and suddenly it's all fine. And in actual fact, my guess is if we did, it would sort of be like mixomatosis or cane toads, wouldn't it? Like, inevitably the algae would be worse than the plastic. Well, the algae would eat the plastic in our brains and kill us. And we'd all look for, you know, we'd all look back with, you know, rose-tinted glasses on that time

when we just had plastic rather than the algae. Okay, so a couple of options here. The first thing is to just get more mutton birds. I think we need to generically engineer mutton birds to buy the billions to just eat all the plastic. Then when they inevitably die, horrible, painful death, we bury them and bury the problem. That's one option.

But the easiest option, I think, Charles, if we want to get rid of, we know that... Because you know, you know, Craig is still evangelical about waste. This is the point I'm getting to. Because he's hosting... you know, a birthday party for, you know, someone in a few days. And it's a huge party that they're putting on. And he said to everyone in the family, no non-renewable containers.

Like every container that people drink out of has to be like proper normal, like, you know, environmentally friendly. That's why I'm not going. That's why I'm not going. I'm boycotting the party. That and the fact that I wasn't invited. But no. It's all right.

It's not fair. The solution's quite clear. clear though at this point, which is that we know that we know that an organism such as the mutton bird can eat the plastic and take it out of the system. Craig, Craig can eat all the plastic in the world. I think that's the solution. He can just get a knife and fork of non-renewable materials. No, but then he can just eat the plastic. No, but then what if he succeeds as he does with most things that he does arise, Dom, which is then he becomes the savior of the planet. Imagine how tedious he would be then. Isn't it worth it, though?

Like, if he's going to be like that anyway, he could at least put his general brilliance to could use and just eat all the plastic on planet Earth. I kind of feel like, why don't they burn all the plastic? Like, surely the way, because plastic's quite flammable. Why don't they do in Japan, isn't it? Except for this, burn it up. Well, look, I know that in Japan, they believe that if you incinerate things at a high enough temperature, it actually is okay.

And I don't think Craig would agree with that. And all I say is he hasn't been in. We could try incinerating Craig and seeing what happens. But also, if you set the Great Pacific Garbage Petch on fire, then it would burn. And then you'd also have nicely grilled fish underneath. You would. It would be more boiled fish. Also, can't we turn it back into petroleum and the other, and just, yeah.

Actually, the actual thing we need, we need cars that run on plastic. You put plastic waste, turn it back into the fuel in the car engines. I may have my science of what plastic is made out of wrong there. But isn't there, there it's carbon in there somewhere, isn't it? No, no, it's, yeah, it's made of, I mean, the bizarre thing about plastic is everyone complains about coal and oil and things like that. Plastic is literally made out of oil. It is a fossil fuel industry.

So why don't we run to have cars that run on that? Have I just hit on a good idea by accident? No, it, no, because, no, no, it's just, there's a terror, like, because it's toxic, it's noxious. It's, we'll all die if we, like, the whole idea of. of setting on fire, we'll all, that you can't breathe in. You're just saying that.

You're just saying that. Because there's not enough microplastics in your brain yet. Give in. Okay, okay. I think that, to be honest, Dom, and I'm sorry for blocking such a good idea. But I'm just frustrated that none of the solutions you proposed involve Bluetooth.

Because remember, this is an episode of Welcome to the Future. Of course. I feel like. Or killer AIs. Yeah. If we put a. Bluetooth into the mutton bird. I really want you to bring this home, Charles.

So I've got to go pick up my kid. Bring it home, Charles. Come on. And then. I'm Bluetooth into what we've been talking about. Yeah. And then, you know, tether it. If it goes to Japan, it's not getting closer to resolving the episode.

Just, why don't we put Bluetooth in? No, we just put Bluetooth in the mutton bird. That solves everything. I don't think you need any further explanation. That is the solution. Okay. You feel that's good work. You pivot your best shot at tying it all together.

All right. All right. I think the feedback that we got supporting us has ruined. We're not trying anymore. You're overconfident. Yeah. All right. I've discovered what it's like to be Craig.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. You've got to go and pick up your kid. What are you doing? This is Craig's one failure. What is your kid going to have for afternoon tea? Plastic?

Obviously. We're part of our Conclass Network. We'll catch you next time. Yeah. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

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