The Chaser Report - Floody Hell!

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

John takes a deep dive (no pun intended) into the floods, the government's response, and Peter Dutton's failed interview with Kochie. Meanwhile our producer comes in again with some tips to improve the podcast, until his crew mutiny against him. Plus, Aleksa has devastating news, but this time it's personal. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Friday the 11th of March. Dom Knight here with Gabby Bolt and, look, let's give him a hug, Alexson, Fulovitch. He's just a bit glum today. That cheeky grin of yours is just absent this morning, Alexa. Yeah, it's a hard time. I got dumped this week.

Oh, no. Yeah. Love was not in your head. Oh, no. What were they? Thinking you're a fine young man. No, you know what it is? We talked about this about a month ago when he said he was a 10.

I think his partner figured out he worked for ASIO. That's all it could be. I'm so sorry that they found you out. Your espionage skills are too good. I'm going to have to sabotage the Australian government through some other girl. It is amazing you have time for the espionage what with large amounts of podcasting that you do. It's not generally something spies have time for it. I think this tragedy was actually predicted potentially by you, Dom, when we were.

Oh, no. I was talking about how COVID made dating so much. better. That's right. It was a much less effort. Yeah. And I think you were like, well, look, you're going to have to come up with a new virus because obviously your relationship depends on COVID. Oh, no. Had to see other people. And now COVID's over and so there's a relationship. So we predicted it right here on the Chase of Report. Nostradamus. Nostradamus, hello. I've got to say, though, I mean, I feel, I feel really sad for you, Alex. That is awful. You clearly gutted. But I've got to say, pretty cool that I was right.

Yeah, well, I think from now on, let's only make positive predictions. Yeah, based on the Dom. Because obviously we have this insane power on the podcast. Yeah. So the good news is Alexa is available. Yeah. So available and frankly, so eligible. Podcast listeners?

Channel 9, if you're listening, the Bachelor is casting. Podcaster wants a wife. All right, on today's show, John Delmenico is going to take a look at the rain situation, which is, it's been quite bad over the past week because I spoil the alert. Yeah, wet, wet, wet. And Lachlan is apparently giving us notes. This is not something I've heard for. I'm curious as to what feedback Lachlan's going to give us.

Oh, you haven't been in the office for the producer notes, have you? Do I walk around? Oh, not really, no. I dread them every week. It's horrible. Well, I mean, I can kind of predict them. He's been walking around the office. Keep telling him to smile more.

Anyway, Lachlan's going to come and do that right after Rebecca Day and we know in the Chast Newsroom. Marketing genius Scott Morrison has been surprised by the fact that banning journalists from reporting on his trip to Queensland actually had the opposite effect. With no press present, the Liberal Party released their own statements, saying that while in Lismore, the PM actually saved an entire busload of children and puppies, but unfortunately there was no media to report on it. The Prime Minister's Empathy Consultant has destroyed all of Scott's ukuleleys after hearing that Morrison had planned on restoring morale by playing flood victims assault.

on his favourite instrument. The Prime Minister has since been told by the empathy coach that he may need to find a better audience than flood victims for a ukulele cover of the song Riptide. A local woman has called in sick at the end of this week after having to carry all her male co-workers through celebrating International Women's Day. The local woman fell ill upon discovering

that after putting in all the effort to help her male colleagues celebrate her, She would be rewarded by getting paid 30% less. Those are the latest headlines for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno. Happy international men's rest of the fucking year. So it's been pretty wet over the past week or two. John Delmenico has been taking a look at the floods and just some of the media aftermath.

John, hello. Hi. Yeah, so over the last week, obviously everyone will know the floods have been spreading. They've moved in regional Australia. It's been getting worse. It's hit Manly, and there's been lots of clips of things like people ignoring signs. There's a bridge in Manley where they kept telling everyone to not go on the bridge.

And throughout the day, they kept uploading more and more photos where just increasingly more cars are in the exact same spot where people are told not to go and getting stuck in the water. I can imagine if the floods hit West Cincinnati, you'll have police there shooting at cars. I usually don't cross bridges. No, they'd be shooting at the water. Go away! In Manley's just like, what are we going to do?

They just keep crossing the bridge. So everyone's calling them all idiots, and it makes sense that they get stuck. But there is one, there was like a viral clip, a lot of journalists were sharing around after journalist Matt Bevin saw it on TikTok, where it was a Anglicare Toyota Yarris going through a large area of water. But I do think it's unfair to call everyone idiots because that person got through the water that was like the height of the door. So it's this your view.

Your view is don't drive through flood water, which is something I've said on the radio literally a thousand times. Unless you do it, in which case you're a legend. Unless you're Anglican and God saves you, that's what you're saying. Well, he does tend to part the seas, doesn't he? Yeah, there's this whole bit. It doesn't come in handy this fucking weekend, though, that's for sure. It would have been fucking useful, wouldn't it?

My whole thing is, like, there's been so many, what, like four-wheel drives and all the going to start getting stuck in waters. And then somehow a Toyota, a tiny Toyota Yaris made it through water. Best buddy car. Just push straight through it all. And I'm saying that, like, the media attacking that person, that person clearly knew more. than anyone else did. They knew the extent of that, Yaris.

Luckily, there is one group on the scene dealing with everything because clearly not everyone in the public is that Toyota Yaris driver. Yes. And so the ADF had been called in. Oh. Dutton was on Sunrise to explain the whole situation a week after the troops were supposed to be on the ground. 5,000 troops by tomorrow.

How come it's taken so long? Well, caution, in some of the areas, they've been inaccessible and only accessible by a helicopter until a ward. as recede, they can't go into, they're not dropping their personnel into those communities where they're rescuing people from. Normal Aussies are getting in their tinnies and doing it, doing it themselves. Surely your guys are better trained than Aussies going and doing that themselves. I like that the troops aren't Aussies. You know, I reckon he's doing here. He's trying to get funding for the big ticket items. He's bought the submarines. He's bought the tanks. Now he's

like, hey, we don't have helicopters. Guys, we need a couple of billion dollars of helicopters for the floods, I guess. I mean, I can't believe Sunrise didn't send him the cash cow. Surely that's It can float. You know shit's really fucked when Koshy of all people is the one fucking asking the right questions? I think it's hard because people like Dutton don't appear anywhere

where people are going to ask some hard questions. So like these are the only people with access. Yeah, he's too soft-boiled for that. Well, if you're looking for good questions, the whole sunrise interview is quite a train wreck. So I've got another clip here. So if you're talking about the cleanup phase and the reconstruction phase, that can't start

until they can get people on the ground that they can have orders receding. They receding. They receded in this. They are. They received these war, but not enough. God help us, if we were going to war, we wouldn't stand a chance if it took this long to get ourselves organised.

What's going on? Why aren't they there quicker? Well, Koshy, if you're on the ground, you'd be able to see them. Give him the war clip. I've never seen Koshy's so angry. At the start of that clip, he's still responding to the first question, but it's got two minutes after the question's asked. Wow.

Most of the interview is Peter Dutton. Like, you can see him trying to come up with an answer on the spot. It's like that Tony Abbott clip. but there's just standing there's a one part Dunn just stands there going for about 30 seconds Yeah he's good at that though We've been through so much with this government Not acting fast enough on natural disasters

That I'm just sitting here going Unfortunately this fucking checks out Like I mean Scott Morrison a couple of days ago Said okay this is officially a federal National Emergency Like natural disaster which unlocks funny I'm mostly found out about it frankly Like within two weeks is quite rapid for Scott Morrison

To even be in the country. Not even enough time to chuck in a cheeky holiday. I'm just thinking he might have been watching sunrise and seeing Dutton and go, oh, holy shit, there's floods in Lismore. Holy fuck, yeah. Sounds about right. Maybe he thought Dumb was going to get some spin on it.

And once he couldn't like work it out, he was like, oh no, shit, it's an emergency now. You know what it was? He was worried that Dutton was going to take his leadership. He's looking for any, any Dutton. I'll tell you what, after this, Dutton's not taking anything. No.

Well, Dutton in that clip is saying that we should be looking for what the people on the ground the locals are saying which I don't know if he's been looking at what the locals are saying because it's not going to really help his case at all so the ADF has copped most of the criticism of the ADF

is coming from the people in those areas especially on TikTok where people are filming what the ADF have been doing over there with some things including allegations of them unloading already cleaned up trucks so they can get photos of them putting the stuff in there to make it look like they're doing clean up

And then the allegation is that they didn't end up packing the full truck once they got the photo they left, meaning that the situation was then worse than it was before they got there. And there's been other stuff of them, where people noticed on a Channel 7 clip that was provided by the army, they were unloading trucks full, like what they said was equipment for their floods, and then people looked at it and realized it was all camera equipment.

There was that photo that did the rounds. I don't know where it was taken, but of like an ADF personnel holding up a special camera light in front of another. member of the ADF. But I think we're being a bit too hard on the ADF here because obviously they have a job, which is to do wars. Yeah. And this is quite out of their skill set.

Like I think it's almost implausible. It's implausible to, you know, tie up a flood and kick it off a cliff. You know, that you can't do that with flood. I think the best chance the ADF has is to like drone strike it or something and hope that will melt some, that'll evaporate some of the water. Luckily there's still, I've got one more clip of Koshy. Asking Dutton, a very normal question. Are you embarrassed?

that ordinary Australians are having to do so much work in this. No, Koshy, I mean, that's the Australian spirit. That's what you and I would do for our neighbours. Absolutely. It's what people do in extremists. We want the ADF to do that for us as well. I'm not embarrassed, but... More and more, more and more through natural disasters.

I just see this government's response, B, you know, it's so nice to see the average Australian helping out and doing what they can. That's the Australian spirit as a way of being like, now I don't have to do anything. How good is Australia? How good is Australia? How good is cleaning up your own house that you've lost everything in

and get no money or rebate for by yourself? Also, for balance, also the Queensland Premier has taken this approach as well. Well, it's not the government's job to clean up any of the mess. You know, I think's going on. I think it all goes back to Christianity. Obviously, we're not dipping into this disaster relief fund. We're saving it for the big disaster, the end of day. The rapture.

Yeah, the rapture. That's when we need those funds. The Chaser Report Less News More often So Alexa and Gabby I'm looking at the rundown for today Yeah

We used to just end the week With like a bit of a fun segment When we looked at the reviews people wrote for us And a bit of a laugh at ourselves And I see now that our dictatorial producer Lockland Yeah wants to end the week with producer notes Oh yeah you haven't been around for this

Yeah it's like the worst part of the week Well here to do that Is Lockland wearing a sticker saying The boss Is it a Bruce Springsteen reference? Boss is in the room. I think he's too young for Bruce Springsteen. Have you misinterpreted your role here, luckily?

I have a misinterpreted. Have you guys all misinterpreted your role? This is the first time you've all been here in four weeks. Hey, hey, hey, I've never been here mentally. Sorry, sorry, I say first time you've all been here. Charles still isn't here. I've never been able to do a producer note. I'm Charles.

You know, he's avoiding this so you don't fire him. Yeah. No, I'm not, I'm not here to grill. I keep saying I'm not here to grill. I'm here to improve. And then I do grill, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it's really low for morale.

I've been racking my brains, guys. I've been racking my brains. How we can improve this, this lovely little piece of art that we put out 15 times a day. Bold to call it up. Actually, could I get a sting for this? Yeah, I can make you a sting. I thank you. I think it's probably more producer demands at this point, but we'll take it.

No, I googled how. to make your podcast better. Great. And so this segment isn't brought to you by producer notes. It's brought to you by WikiHow. Great. Just a great reference. It's about time we started looking at how to improve the podcast.

I have to say, I'm completely behind this. I've got notes. I've got little tips that might help us to improve and maybe we can reflect on together. So the first tip, first tip is for a podcast, talk about things you're interested in. Do you guys think that we talk about stuff that we're interested in? Not when Charles is in charge of what we're talking about.

I mean, he talks about things he's interested in. Honestly, could not wait to talk about Putin. I was so lucky it became relevant in the news. I've been trying to talk about it in my day-to-day life. Yeah, look, my interest on that was 11 out of 10. It's French fries and fat, laced with a little bit of politics. Here we go. This is good.

See, we're affirming each other. Yeah, what's the next point? The next point is focus on your target audience. Right. What's our target audience, guys? Not 70-year-old women. Do we have a target audience? A target audience is who we want to attract to our podcast.

Oh. Who are we trying to attract? Because as far as I can tell. Probably at this point. Do you have the metrics? Because I'm particularly interested in this now because Dom did a little shout out for me saying I was single. Who did that go out to?

No, yeah, see, this will be brilliant because. Yeah, 60 plus year old women. It is 60 plus year old women. And 21 to 30 year old men. Great. Thank you for you. So those year old ones. You got one year to be not a cougar.

Boy in a, well, boy store. No, it's okay, so maybe we've got to figure out who our target audience is. That's an interesting one. All right, third one is, you know, again, our audience and maybe working on reviews, ask your listeners questions and report their responses. Yeah, I'm going to ask you a question if you're listening. Why are you listening to this segment? If you're listening, here's your challenge.

Go to Apple Podcasts to the app and write, please cancel producer notes. Give us five stars. How many would it take to cancel the second? I'm pretty confident that no one's going to do that. I say if there are 10 reviews that say cancer producer notes, we have to honor it. And if there's one that says keep it, then we have to keep it. Keep it forever. There we go.

That's not the rules. That's the rule. Get out there at Apple Podcast. I've got one person on my back. Yay. Well, this is good because the next point is stay on topic and don't wander too much. Oh, yeah, we're great at that one. Don't you?

Are we? Are we? The point is, okay, just a little peek behind the magician's curtain here. Lockland edits the podcast. You have no idea. If you think it's meandery, you've no idea what gets cut out. You might think this podcast comes to you unedited. It does not.

What you're listening to is the 10% best of what we said all day. Next week's, next week's podcast, I will edit together all of the clips of you guys saying, please cut that out. That's what next week's producer notes are. Jump on Apple podcast and cancel producer notes. Don't cancel producer notes. You know you love it. I'm honestly undecided on where I sit on this argument, but I'm cool to find out what happens.

Our gears from road microphones are part of the Icast, Crater Network, and this segment is going in the bin. You wish. Oh shit, he edits it. He can just put it back in. He can just cut all your words together to say, producer notes is amazing. You just said producer notes is amazing.

That's going in the podcast.