The Chaser Report - Four Jubilees and a Funeral

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

In a casual Friday episode of The Chaser Report Andrew, Charles, and Dom prepare for the most important day on the commonwealth's calendar: The Queen's Platinum Jubilee. Andrew quizzes the team on the theme of Her Majesty's special day. Meanwhile Charles discloses more of his parenthood woes in lieu of preparing a segment. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Yes, it is. Faray, the 3rd of June 2022, we have Charles 1st, Dom Knight, and Andrew Hanson, suspiciously the same three people who have been in the last two episodes. We've definitely recorded them all on different days because we are podcasting professionals. Absolutely. Happy Friday. Happy Friday. I'm looking forward to Sunday. I really am. Sunday's going to be the Platinum Jubilee. Oh, yes. There's so much to say with the Jubilee. And Charles, you've got a story for us as well, don't you, in the day's episode?

Do I? Fuck. Okay. Your memory is not improving. All right. What a great incentive to sit around past this ad. Here it is. The Chaser Report.

More news. Less often. All right. Well, it's a special four-day event. The Platinum Jubilee is happening over this long weekend that they're having over in the UK. Perhaps you're listening in the UK. You might be in the thick of it there. The Queen has been on the throne for 70 years,

which is a very long time for six. Why didn't they wait till the 75th anniversary to celebrate? Doesn't it feel a bit more sort of rounded and kind of thing? Because the Queen is 170 years old. I mean, you've only so much you can wait, isn't it? I don't think I should have had another Jubilee till the 100th. I think it's premature. Well, you're judging on the Queen Mum.

She probably will be around for a long, long time. No, they actually did wait a bit because the official date, Charles, was actually a few months ago and they're actually waiting to have a nice day in the UK. That's why they put it off for the weather, you see. But I'm going to just, look, it's going nuts. The UK are going absolutely nuts. There's merchandise, there's inventions,

there's going to be a big parade on Sunday. I'm going to hit you guys up and see how much you know about what's planned. Dommy, can you tell me what new emoji was released last week to coincide with a platinum jubilee. Ooh, what would it be? I know I've said this before, but I think it's going to be a bottle of gin. I think it's got to be a bottle of gin. That's the only thing that makes sense.

Gin emoji, Charles, if you want to hazard a guess? Well, it won't it be a crown, weren't it? I'm pretty sure there already are like 60 emojis of people in crowns. Oh, okay. Because even if I'm going to text people saying, you know, you are a princess. Yeah. Well, will it be something like a foot standing on a poor person's head, maybe, isn't it? Maybe it's a Union jacket half-mast, so they're getting in early.

It's a gravestone. Oh, come on, no, she'll be around from many more jubilees yet to cut. Oh, it's just Prince Charles weeping as he realizes he'll never get the job. Oh, yeah. Well, where do they go past platinum, by the way? I mean, if platinum's, that's the most precious metal there is. I don't know what the next Jubilee would be called. Dirt?

It goes full circle. Ashes. Anyway, no, on social media, especially designed emoji of a corgi with its tongue out was released last week. Hasn't the Queen buried all of her corgis? I thought she'd pretty much done it dusted with them all. Didn't she not bring any more?

Isn't that a sad emoji for the Queen? No, I have some facts on you about that. Because I've done my research. Look, she has had corgis for decades, and she did decide to put them to rest a few years ago. But then to cheer her up after she lost her hubby, she was given a couple of new corgi. Isn't that a bit unfair?

Because she's, what, 95 or something like that, expecting her to look after two dogs as well. Do you think she, do you reckon she takes them to puppy school herself for the train? Oh, yeah, there's probably, you know, the staff person that she has, which is, you know, the loyal ear of corgi looking up. Yeah, that's right. The ear of pooping. The Isle of pooping, scooping.

Yes, yes, yes. No, no, but she has had, you know, her original corgis were actually a line. They were just like the monarchy. They were actually descended from the first corgi that she has of owned as an adult, whose name was Susan. Susan. It's a classic dog name. You wouldn't call it the corgi Fido or rover.

They were all descendants of Susan. Right. And are the current ones, or because she killed them all off, that they've been usurped there's a usurper in the corgi there are yes yes it's kind of like megan markle coming into the family you know it's their new corgis right yeah but it's possibly they were met with distaste i don't know i don't know um but i mean they were actually facing a huge problem about six years ago all welsh corgis in the ukay were facing a huge problem now that you asked you know what it was was it that uh they had in

pronounceably long names with lots of W's and L's. Well, no, they're all called Susan. No, well the problem was they were in danger of extinction. Oh, how come? They actually were because they became really unpopular. Well, because the Queen liked them.

Well, I don't know why. No one else think they were worthy of having a corgi. They're snappy little things, dummy. They're bad-tempered. Look, I don't know exactly why, but it is true, though, that their numbers have surged back from the brink of extinction in the last few years, which the corgi experts think is because of the crown.

Oh, the show. Yeah. The show. Because they've needed, have they killed a lot of corgis on set? They just sort of need a fresh batch every season. Horrible accidents. Yeah, that's right. They've got a makeup van, you know, they've got the production van,

and then they've got this sort of corgi. Corgi abattoir. It's an abatto. We're talking about breeding corgi's cars, not eating them. serving them up on burgers Corgatorium Hey here's a question for you about the Jubilee By the way

There's going to be a big parade It's going to feature 20 giant puppies What do the puppies look like Puppies Oh sorry What am I saying? Puppets Puppets Not got dogs on the brain hands

I missed by I've been talking about Togies too much 20 giant puppets Are they puppets of the royal family Are they all the different members of the royal family No

incorrect Those are not the puppets. Are there 20 alleged victims of Jeffrey Epstein just up there to remind everyone what Prince Andrew Ma'am may not have done? They won't be puppets, they'll be real. They'll be real people. They'll really be there.

Are they like punch and duty style puppets? Oh, like sort of British Middle Ages sort of thing? No, no. Are they all the prime ministers that the Queen has had to endure over the years? Oh, that was a TV show, wasn't it? It was a spitting image. Oh, yes.

No, no. No, it's a giant pack of 20, corgis that why he said corgis it's absolutely true they're going to parade 20 enormous corgi puppets it feels like that they don't have a very deep knowledge

of what the Queen's into like oh Her Majesty of course as we know loves corgis and dot dot dot all the other things are things you're a bit of a sort of throwing shade on the Queen like gin yeah so you could have 20

different brands of British Chin that are by appointment to Her Majesty the Queen That would be lovely It's very good the British chin The botanicals And good for corgi I mean the corgi's Probably gonna be lapping up the gin

Out of their little bowls You know what If they're having the giant figures They really should bring back Different bits of It's a Royal Knockout I mean that's of all the things That's happened during her long reign The time when four of her children

competed in It's a Knockout organised by Prince Edward That was the highlight Why don't they have a Why are they not celebrating her Jubilee With another knockout tournament They could put Prince Andrew in the front and everybody tries to knock him down.

By the way, this is a complete aside. But you just said Prince Edward. Whatever happened to Prince Edward? He's the one who has had no trouble. He's the only one that stayed married to his wife. Right. He lives near the Queen. He's just chill.

He's just chill. He's the successful one. He's never in the news. He has a happy life. He just gets along. Shouldn't he be the one who then inherits the crown? No, that involves merit. We'll have no discussion of merit

When the royal family comes up, Charles Look forward to King Andrew Pretty soon, I'm sure Oh God, imagine Merit is not a factor All right, and finally I'll get one more question for you About the big event

On Sunday Now at Musselboro race course Near Edinburgh There's going to be a race staged this Sunday It's going to be broadcast live on TV It's going to be a race To celebrate the Jubilee

Yes Charles, do you know who will be racing? Yes I do know. I bet you a million dollars, it will be corgis. Yeah. How on earth did you suss that one out? You have psychic powers.

I thought it was going to be members of the Royal Family running from the paparazzi. That would be pretty atmospheric. That'll be nearby, Donnie. Nearby. Or it will be members of the Royal Family running so they don't have to be photographed with Megamarkle. Do corgis race?

Like, when they just... Well, they do on Sunday. I don't think they normally do it. They have such short little legs because it would be the most anticlimactic race ever. And the one of the smaller jockeys are going to have to be. They're also known as Prince Andrew's girlfriends. Oh.

I mean, harsh but fair, right? Oh, harsh but fair. Allegedly. Right. End of corgiol. Happy anniversary, Your Majesty. I'll give us and read microphones. Part of the Artcastle-Cated Network.

I haven't done my yarn. Oh, shit. Can't bring that. Do I need to do a yarn? Ah, yes. Ah, damn. Now with extra whispers. I don't have a yarn, but I can.

So, Charles, what is the last major issue that your child raised with you? One of your children raised with you in terms of your defects as a parent. I'm just trying to prompt some memories here. Well, I've got a bit of a problem, guys. Which one are we going to focus on this time? Which is that my son, my 11-year-old, is absolutely obsessed with Teslas. Oh, that's a problem.

And Teslers are very expensive. Mm, they are. Right. And I've been putting this issue off for years. Like, we've got a sort of 11-year-old Mazda. It goes completely well. It's sort of perfectly... Adequate.

It's just a perfectly good car. But it's not a Tesla. It's not a Tesla, right? And so I, about three years ago, when Tesla started sort of being a thing, said to him, Angus, Angus, Angus, don't, you don't replace a car when it's like six or seven years old. You replace a car when it's like 11 or 12 years old, right? Like, that's when cars start to sort of break down.

Yeah. So, yes, yes, we can get a Tesla, but, you know, years away. Like, when it's like 11 years old, 12 years old, that's what we're going to go. And you were thinking six years down the track, I'll have just 80 grand in cash. I can just drop on a car. But also, he'll forget. He'll forget. He will have moved on.

He'll like shitbox masters that are 12 years old. No, but also, it's not like his love of Pokemon endured beyond the two weeks that Pokemon Go was a thing. Like, fads are fads for a reason. They're called fads for a reason because they don't last, right. But now, like literally three years later, he's still going on. Like, he literally shows me all the Tesla commercials. And he's now going, okay, dad.

Time to stump up by a Tesla. And then you've got to explain, but Elon Musk is a creep. He's a weirdo creep. Anyway, so I don't know what to do. What would you do? What should be my approach? This is a very, is a real conundrum, isn't it? Because, you know, if he's asking his dad to buy a Tesla,

I mean, one thing you could be a good parent and just say no. You know, but you're a terrible parent, so you're probably just going to have to borrow a huge amount of money. buy a Tesla. It's actually really easy. No, it's simple. To borrow, just to borrow enough money to buy a Tesla, right. It's something like the repayments. There's something like $2,000 a month.

But I don't know anyone, unless you're a baby boomer, nobody has a spare $2,000 a month. Charles, all you have to do, it's very simple, because the global supply chain solved this for you. I is. All you need to say is, Angus, I will get one as soon as they come in stock. I think they're about nine months away. at the moment.

Oh, okay. No, but then that's risky because he'll remember. And then in nine months. But there's no, no, but then in nine months, they're still will be nine months away. They're not going to get any better at doing this. Oh, as soon as they're available for purchase, we'll just go and get one.

And they'll never will be. They're never going to produce enough because everyone wants to buy one. You know why? Because they don't require petrol. Yeah, yeah. So you'd save money, even if for $80,000, you'd probably save money if you bought one. Well, my, like, the last tank that I filled up was $80,000.

That's right. They're actually good value. Yeah. Or you could say, look, the moment Elon Musk has assured me that he's not an asshole, I'm straight in there. As soon as he does something human and kind for the planet. Yeah, we play Elon Musk bingo. And we put on Angus's card, human being nice.

That's a great idea, yes. As soon as he sends a reasonable tweet. Yeah, one tweet that isn't a fuck-wit tweet. Yes. But no, I do sympathise. I do sympathise it. Because I'm going to have this issue as well is that my daughter, my daughter's,

but the one who talks particularly at the moment. What does she like? Well, she's, at the moment, she's easy. She likes unicorns and sparkly dresses. Oh, she, don't tell her you're going to buy her a unicorn in three years times. Yeah, $30. See, she's probably, I know, I will assume that in 10 years or whatever, I will have enough wealth to buy the thing that she wants.

But it's clearly a terrible mistake to assume that you'll ever be better off and be able to make dreams come true. That, no, I'll just, disappointed now. What about yours, Andrew? Or you believe in good parenting, do you? Well, clearly not. I mean, look at me, no, no. I was just going to see, you could just pass it.

I mean, you could just buy a beat-up old Nissan from 1976 and just say, oh, this is the new Tesla. Yes, I love it. Yeah, it is. It's got a retro design. Yes. Mr. Musk has approved this. Charles, when your master gets to be 15 years old,

can I promise my daughter that will buy it off you? Our gears from road microphones. We're part of the ACAST CRATA Network. If you want to give us a free Tesla, we'll take it. We'll take anything. Just podcast at chaser.com. You give us free shit. Yeah.

Clearly we're desperate.