The Chaser Report - Freedom for F#%kwits | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Craig joins us to share how he's become the legal representative for certain prominent horse-punchers and fire-twirlers, and takes on the challenge of fixing everyone's NBN. Plus, we send Zander to Tokyo 2020, and discover a few new ways to escape from lockdown. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, all your favorite games in one perfectly healthy place. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 27th of July. Charles, you're looking glum. Could it be the fifth week of this lockdown that's just begun? It's not even like the fifth week. it's like just the beginning, isn't it? Because it's still going up. It's getting worse and worse, isn't it?

It's just getting worse and worse, and I'm just getting more and more despairing. Well, don't despair, Charles, because I have some amazing news from the federal government. Yesterday they announced 85 million doses of the Pfizer vaccine. We all know vaccinations the way out of this. Everyone wants to get Pfizer. How about 85 million jabs?

At last, that means that. we can, we will be out of here in a few weeks because if they can vaccinate everyone in the Sydney area, then, then we can just start, well, they can probably start lifting restrictions from next week. So 85 million, Charles, that's 60 million for 2022 and another 25 the year after that. Hang on, what about now? How many extra for now? None for now, but 65 million for next year.

That's not in any way a reason to be happy, Dom. But Charles, hang on. In the government's defense, in the government's defense, Charles, everyone's been criticizing them because last year they didn't secure enough vaccine to avoid this problem. So now they've secured enough vaccine to prevent the next wave next year. Right. Great. But nothing now.

Well, it's quite hard to get Pfizer now, but future Pfizer, it turns out, it's quite easy to obtain. So they have solved a problem that I would have already assumed that they'd already solved. I would have assumed that they'd ordered enough vaccine for next year and the year after. Well, what I also assumed, stupidly, obviously, was that they'd have enough vaccine for this year as well. But no, what you're saying is that what they've done is they've ordered enough vaccine, which is the essentially bare minimum you'd ever expect them to do. This is not an announcement. This is a fucking joke.

Although, now that I think of it, Charles, next year's. version of COVID might be completely resistant to the Pfizer vaccine. And we'll have all this Pfizer and it won't be the one that we need. Yes. That is what's going to happen because they've ordered it and therefore it definitely is a dud product. No wonder it was so cheap. On today's program, we're going to catch up with Craig who reckons he's got a solution

to everyone's crap internet. I very much doubt that. And what else did we got? And Craig's also volunteered to help out some. of the protesters who've gotten in trouble with the law. Ooh, that'll be interesting. That's more. And we're also heading to Tokyo, where Zanda has just landed and is covering the Olympics for us.

It's very special. Very exclusive indeed. But first, let's head to Rebecca Day and Amuno in the Chaser Newsroom. A television viewer has expressed frustration after spending the last few days watching Channel 7. The viewer said they were irritated that the Olympics kept getting in the way of all the ads. The Australian swimming team is celebrated. This morning after, oh, hold on, sorry, there's an ad break in the coverage, so I won't be able to bring you that story. New South Wales police have announced protesters from the weekend's anti-lockdown rally

are going to be in big trouble when the New South Wales government responds to it in three weeks' time. And just getting back to that earlier story about the Australian swimmers, the team is... Oh, no, hold on, they've gone to another ad break. New South Wales Premier Gladys Berrigalian has slammed suggestions that the problem. Prime Minister Scott Morrison had interfered in the state's approach to lockdown. She pointed out that Morrison is not a mining company or property developer and so therefore doesn't have any influence over her government's decisions. And in sport, Australia's Olympics medal tally has increased again after...

Oh, hold on, sorry. I've just gone to another ad break. That's all the latest Chaser News and none of the sports. I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by the Olympics coverage on Channel 7, where it's only a matter of time before someone says something horribly racist. My money's on Sampang. Well, Charles, I must say, I think it was a good management decision to send Zander, one of our interns over to Tokyo rather than trying to go ourselves.

There's a lot of COVID over there. It's a state of emergency. Zanda, are you still alive? I mean, what a time to be alive. It is an incredible experience over here. but literally thousands of thousands of people on the streets, but they're all keen to get into the games, and we've all been locked out.

So I've been having to find heaps of creative ways to try to watch basketball, try to get in the stadiums, and honestly, that's been half the fun. Yeah, I'm sorry. I know that I promised you that we'd get your tickets. I actually lied. No one's allowed to go. No, and the trip started off so well.

Last week I got on the flight with Anastasia Pallaget. We were having wine on the flight on taxpayers' dime. It was incredible. And then we get there, and then we're told we're not allowed in to watch any of the sports. Well, she is, you're not. Was John Coates on your flight as well? Yeah, he was. He was making a big racket out the front.

He was trying to tell the pilots how to fly the plane. They had to actually tie him up and put him in the toilet. But the Aussies are going, okay. And what else could you hope for, really? Well, you could hope for stadiums that are full of people and a public that actually wants the Olympics. Isn't it the case that over 50% of Japanese people don't even want the Olympics to be there?

No. Look, potentially it's 50%. I don't know, but I've spent way too much time running away from security to have a chance to run the numbers. So did you manage to sneak in anywhere? Yes, I did.

I rented an inflatable kayak and I went to the men's triathlon. Oh, yeah. And fascinating, a boat, not mine, but a boat got in the way of half the competitors to start the race. Really? And there was a flight.

whole start for the men's triathlon and that was thrilling to watch because you've got all these guys they're going at it they're swimming and then suddenly all these other boats come trying to cross in front of them because their heads in the game right you can't just shout from the sideline stop you've literally got to stop them from swimming with boats because they'll just keep going so presumably that really advantaged all the laggards up the back who weren't swimming very fast and didn't think they'd hope in hell because they wouldn't have been tired. No, they've not even dived in the water yet. Yeah, yeah. That gives me a great idea, actually, Xander. Can you arrange to drive a truck with Listen to the Chaser report written on

the side just before the marathon kicks off? Yes. Just along the course. Okay, yeah. Well, I tried to get into the cycling with a Listen to the Chaser report t-shirt on, but I just couldn't pedal fast enough. I think maybe you should get one of those electric bikes. Oh, that's good. And you'd even be able to get into the marathon. Just use the same technique that the guy in I'll just get in the Uber and then... Get it in a car. Just join the pack halfway along. That's a very good idea.

Well, I mean, there's enough advertisements on during the Olympics anyway. I don't see what the problem of us sneaking in a bit of chase of advertisements is, you know? Like, everyone's advertising. Channel 7 has got like 25 ads a minute. I've watched four days of Olympics. They have not seen a single sport yet. They've just seen it. They've set a world record for the number of ads in an hour.

I mean, that's never been achieved before. It's incredibly impressive. It's, hats off to all at seven. They've got more than an hour's worth of ads in every hour. It's insane. And even here, when we get COVID tested, before they tell you if you're positive or negative, they actually offer you Domino's later specials.

What was your highlight of yesterday's event, Sandra? It definitely has to be winning big in the freestyle. That coach just absolutely going off in the stands was incredible to be there. Did you sell him that Coke? Yes. It was the good stuff. I mean, I'm not going to say who from in the Queensland government supplied it to me. But my God, the party dust that is going around the Olympic village at the moment is just wild. And when you're stuck inside all the time, what else can you do? All right. Well, well done. Don't get COVID. I'll try. Are you feeling alienated by the COVID lockdown? Yeah, I am. Are you financially struggling because the government won't let you work, but also won't financially support you to stay home? It's bloody ridiculous.

Do you wish you could walk around with your loved one without fear of being arrested? That would be lovely. Well, you should try punching a horse in the face. That felt amazing. Of course it did. I don't really mind the lockdown. Well, are you worried about climate change? Yeah.

Do you wish the government would stop subsidising fossil fuels that are destroying the planet? Yeah, we need green energy now. Well, you should try kicking a dog in the ribs. Wow, no more problems. Yeah, damn right. I want the council to put speed bumps in front of the school. Strangle a pigeon. There you go.

I'm not happy with that. Step on a frog. There's no better way to demonstrate your legitimate grievances than by assaulting an innocent animal. Actually, I'm not a huge fan of this podcast and I think it's high time I gave them a piece of my mind. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Olympics. Tune in and watch the world's best athletes compete in the world's favorite sports

and skateboarding. Yep, that's on the list, too. Fucking hipsters. Hide your single-use plastics. Because Craig's here. So, guys, Win the Weeks has been taken off there for a while, which meant I had to go out and get another job for the last couple of weeks. and I went back to my old, well, not that I ever did this,

but I went back, I decided to become a lawyer for a little while, just to fill in the time, use my degree. It's been great. I got all these clients on the weekend. I don't know if you saw it. There was this like happy protest in the cities around Australia. It was about freedom or something. Freedom, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway. The freedom to punch horses primarily. Oh, see, interesting you say that, Tom, because that's one of my clients. Not the horse, the guy. The free speech guy, the yellow singlet. Wow.

Exactly. And I can I just... So what's his defense? Look, it's, you've got to understand that this guy, he's a kind of anti-vaxxer and, you know, like an Instagram influencer, right? That's the kind of world we're talking about here, right? And in that world, it's very important that you've got to show, you know, You've got to make a stand if you find anyone that's smarter than you, okay?

And so this guy saw this horse. And he's like, oh, no, this guy's, you know, his smart-ass horse. He kept, like, laughing at him, and he was clearly smarter than him. So he just felt the need to kind of assert his dominance at that moment. I mean, wouldn't we all do the same? And the great thing was he was surrounded by no one else that was smarter than him. So he just had to take it out on this horse. And I think if we'd all put that situation, we would have done the same thing, I think.

So I think that's your defence? Is that your legal defence, Craig? That it's legitimate to punch people who are smarter than you. I suppose that it's been your career. I think that's why the interns have been getting abused this entire time. Yes. See, there's precedent. Precedent's a word, right?

But I must have been like, it's my other client that I'm really, really, I actually passionately want to protect this person. Did you see the fire to a person? Yes. Yes. There's been so much abuse of that person, like, oh, you know, I'm in lockdown and this fire twelers out there. The fire tweler is not an antivacer. He was just caught going out to get some fuel for his fire twirling, and he found himself in the middle of that thing.

And the only way you can keep fuck with antivaxers who aren't wearing masks away from you is with fire twirling equipment. He's just like, get back. You'll give me coronavirus, man. He was the only person who's 1.5 meters away from everyone else. Yeah, exactly. that's how you keep these people away from you, is with fire twirling equipment. As somebody who is that unlucky to end up in the middle of an anti-lockdown protest, I don't know if somebody that unlucky should be handling fire on a day-to-day basis.

Oh, it was just outdoor recreation. It's permitted under the health order. I think it should become a bigger thing, like, because clearly currently New South Wales laws aren't working. If we made masks and fire twirling compulsory, it would solve all of the social distancing problems. Like if we all went to the shops with fire twirling, wouldn't it be so much safer? And I don't know whether there's been any peer-reviewed journals, but I'm pretty sure that fire... You didn't say about that.

You just said you don't know if there's been any peer-reviewed journals, full stop. About anything. You've really looked into it, Charles. About fire and corona. But I imagine that fire would destroy corona. Charles, if you just imagine a solution to coronavirus, then I've got some really interesting and clients of one that you can go get together with. I've been chatting to them on Facebook.

They're great. Yeah, but so fire twirling is the solution to all of our problems. What's more, they had to cancel Vivid. So just get everyone fire twirling and you might even need it. This is why there haven't been any outbreaks in Baren because they've been doing this for years up there. Have you ever seen somebody in Bairn who isn't fire twirling? The Chaser Report is sponsored by the Tokyo Olympics.

mate, the Brisbane games are way better. But they haven't happened. Oh, shut up. You're just a jealous little Sydney bitch. I'm excited for another Australian Olympics. Oh, mate, Brizzy's going to be wild. It's going to be a long 11 years. Crayx's flawless solutions.

Caution might contain floors. I don't know about you guys. How are you finding lockdown and being at home with all of your family, all homeschooling and homeworking. It's good, isn't it? Yeah, my homeschooling is going great. I've officially passed quantum physics level one, so by the end of

this lockdown, I'm hoping to build my own billionaire rocket. Well, as you know, I was a late bloomer with this stuff, and it took me until I was 41 to have a child. I can't believe neither of you warned me. What, about the pandemic? No, about how crap children can be when he's talking home with him. Well, this is the thing, I mean, if only

we'd been warned about this, because the thing I've been struggling with all week was the internet, and not having any of it or not having nearly enough of it to actually work with everyone working for home. So luckily, I was employed recently by the federal government to come up with a flawless solution to the internet problems. Oh, wow. Okay. This is very useful for me. Can you help me with my problem, which is that my internet just turns off every few hours? No, no. That's how it was designed, Charles. Of course, I can't. Oh, right. Take you for your break. Does it know why that is? Oh, why? Is because the way we designed it, right, is you've got this

like imagine like a roadway and you've got this massive super highway with eight lanes of traffic right yes i like that yes yeah yeah and everything's driving down and then suddenly you come to a little one-way street yeah with cars parked each side and that and that's that's the copper network so that's how we designed it to work that way i've looked into this and it's amazing they never thought of this when they were coming up with this ambient thing but what you can do is you can take fiber optic cable directly to the house directly to the place directly to the place we're going to use it. So you don't have to funnel it through this tiny little small thing. I mean, how brilliant would it have been if that was the idea when we initially came up

with the idea of NBN? Talking crazy. But Craig, that sounds like it would cost slightly more than just using the copper that's there already. Yeah, but look, I know. But what you've got to imagine is that maybe at some time in the future, we're going to want to watch movies, or there'll be a fucking pandemic, which everyone seems more likely. And I know as a policymaker, you don't know what's going to happen. But I guess there was a chance that in like, within three or four years, we'd need more internet speed. So, Craig, I don't mean to sort of sound condescending or knowledgeable in your presence. Or in anyone's presence, Charles, I would argue.

But that was actually the original design of the NBN. What? What? Yeah, the RUD version is crazy. You're right. That was the RUDD was fiber to the home. Yes. And in fact, in fact, in unique parts of Australia, like in parts of Tasmania, in Armadale,

in New South, regional New South Wales, and in where my dad lives in regional Victoria, that is what they have. There are a few little test pilot places where the fibre goes all the way to the home. And you know what the problem with that is, though, Craig? Yes, I do know. Is that it so wonderful. I think the problem is that if, hypothetically speaking, you have joined the Liberal Party and been put in charge of coming up with a policy and you want to seem like you're smart

because you used to have an internet company, you might have to come up with a solution that seems cheaper. That's the problem with that. Right. But isn't... Guys, no, the Liberal Party are good economic managers, all right? They're just doing what they have to do to remain affordable, okay? I mean, yeah, we're going to ignore, like, the tripling in the debt for the last, like, three years.

But apart from that, this copper is saving us tens of dollars. Yes, right? Yes, exactly. Like, instead of paying $89.99 for an internet. service which turns off every few hours. I might have to pay like, what, $93.47 to have this sort of superhighway to the premises. For efficient world-class internet, child. Tom was made some mistakes in the past, but this was a very small one because if you look at it from his perspective, I guess it kind of made sense because if you are a billionaire that used

to own an internet company, you can probably get around this problem. And I think he just forgot to apply that. He was applied that to everyone and forgot that maybe that wasn't the situation we'd all be in. I've got a solution for you, which is, if you're struggling with an internet, why don't you become a billionaire that used to own an internet company and then you can get around the solution? Oh my God, I can't believe, you've come up with a flawless solution this time. I've come up with the flawless solution.

To be fair, his flawless solution is stop being poor, just to reiterate that to everyone else. No, it's to become a billionaire. It's not just being, I'm not being poor. Yeah, anyone got an emerald mind that we can invest in? So you don't, I don't think my idea will work. that seems ridiculous to actually deliver functioning Internet Twibble's houses. But your idea of me personally becoming an internet millionaire and solving the problem in my own house only is brilliant.

Thank you, Charles. You can take over the franchise. The Chaser Report is sponsored by the Olympics coverage on Channel 7. Three weeks of uninterrupted ads all day, every day. And finally, Charles, there is a way out of this lockdown. I promise you I've found a solution. and it should be accessible to both of us. Oh, great, okay.

Yep. See, two prominent Sydney-siders actually were allowed to leave Sydney, I think last week or so, the founders of Hillsong, Brian and Bobby Houston, were given permission to leave Sydney and travel to Mexico to preach at a church service. Even though all the church services in Sydney happening on Zoom, they were allowed to go to,

fucking Mexico to fucking preach. Well, I mean, that is good news because, as you know, I, Dom, have just invented the Chaser Church and the first, coincidentally, the very first service is going to be held next Sunday in Cancun. Really? In Mexico. Yeah. Yes.

It's a beautiful place. Dom, would you like to become my, I don't know, deputy vice president what would it be good deputy cardinal yeah i could be deputy cardinal let yeah well you could be the pope and i could be i could be george pell that's a good job well no no see my religion's a bit different to the catholic church which is we don't fuck kids yes yeah give it a few millennia yeah yeah that's right no no we've got a very i mean it's very strange you may not actually get any of the exemptions that uh the federal government gives everyone else.

But yeah, now, our church doesn't believe in having sex with kids, right? And it doesn't believe in covering them up even. It's a very different religion. Do you think we even considered a religion in Australia? No, and I think it's going to be very hard to get priests. I think you're going to really have trouble growing the movement, Charles. Yeah, that's going to be hard, isn't it? Oh, well, maybe I just have to stick.

to the fucking lockdown. Yeah, actually, Charles, the more I think about it, being stuck in miserable Sydney is still better than joining Hillsong. That's all we've got time for today. Lots of news up atchaser.com.com. Please, leave us a five-star review on Apple podcast saying you want to join our church. Yes, the church of Chaser. Church of Chaser.

We turn wine into water. What you do is you send us all your wine and we'll send you back some water. Praise B. How Gary's from Road Microphones are part of the A-cast. Create a network. See you later. There you.