The Chaser Report - Frequent Albo Buyer Points

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

Charles and Dom (not AI) have just discovered that all it takes to have a say in politics is offering a few cheeky Qantas upgrades. So what budget bribes do they think would be best to offer Australia's political heavyweights? And what do they intend to do with their newfound power? Listen and find out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to a real-life episode of The Chaser Report with Dom and Char. This is Notebook LM, the latest large language model from Google, and we're generating automatically. No, we're actually here. We're actually in the same room. It's so weird, Charles. Yes, it's very weird. And apologies for last Friday's episode. Well, look, it was interesting. We've got a lot of completely. A lot of complaints.

Which I'm always glad when there are complaints for an episode I haven't been part of. It just reminds me that I'm actually doing something here that's in some way useful. So, no, this is the physical ass back in the flesh. Yes. Talking about the news. And just for people who didn't listen to last Friday's episode, what we did is, we're all very. When you say we, you mean you and Loughlin, right? Yeah.

I wasn't part of this. No, it wasn't Lachland's fault either. Basically, it was like I couldn't be bothered doing my homework, right? Yeah. So what I did is I uploaded the latest Chaser. annual to, well, out through Chaser Shop for pre-ordered right now. Is that great? I uploaded it to Notebook LLM, which is Google's sort of new note-taking and study assistant.

Seems amazing. And you can just press a button and it creates a podcast about the... Yeah, so you can listen and learn, whatever that, you know, about soil erosion or something. And look, it was horrific in some ways, you know, saccharine and... Didn't quite have the same satirical bite that... Well, but it was also... Did you listen to it? No, it was also sort of, it was very upbeat about all the jokes.

Like, it was like, oh, and this really great sort of thing. I'm planning to upload it into chat, GPT and getting it to some ways before me in one sentence. That's my plan. But it was sort of also horrific at some level. One of the listeners pointed out that it probably costs some enormous amount of energy. Yes. Toby, who's a long-term listener, said he reckoned it cost $56,000 worth of energy. Now, I actually talked to a guy who runs one of the big A.

startups in Sydney about that. And he said that is absolute rubbish. And that the... Well, it was more like one or two hundred thousand. The total cost of compute would have been about 30 cents for what it achieved, which is still quite a lot of money. Like that costs Google 30 cents to do. But the energy component of that would have been about 10 cents.

Right. So for any environmentalists out there, appalled by what we did. Yeah. So Google's spending the tens of thousands of dollars just on selling everyone's books rather than... The point about, you know, the energy consumption of AI is that that's fine, but everyone starts uploading their books to, you know, make into podcasts and everything like that, and you do it at scale. And every image that's created in the world is done on AI, then that's when you get to the destruction

of the planet. So hang on, so does this mean that Google's notebook, L.M, now thinks that the Chase Renew is true? That's the best way to fuck up AI is just by basically satire. Yes. No, actually, it definitely does think. that certain things are true because it references certain events about Barnaby Joyce that we just made up as, oh well, and you'll remember that Barney Be Joyce did this thing. All right. Well, speaking which, let's take a moment for the algorithmist to just make some

money for us. Hang on. On today's episode, what we're going to do is we're going to work out how to influence the Labor federal government. Really? Yes. But Charles, that's the government of the Commonwealth of Australia representing 25 million people. We're just two people sitting in a podcast studio. How can we, lowly we possibly influence the Albanese government, the government of the whole nation? Luckily, Dom, there is a way. Really? Tell me about this way. And it turns out it's quite cheap, right? Now I'm listening. What you do is you buy an upgrade for Anthony Albanese or his son or whatever on a flight. And then you get to determine policy. So there's a new book out by Joe. You should probably explain that so it's not completely defamatory.

So Joe Aston from the Australian Financial Review has just released a book and it is absolutely fascinating. A lot of the stuff is actually stuff that's been disclosed before, but never sort of put into one place. So he's been kicking Qantas. It's called the Chairman's Lounge, I think. He's been kicking Qantas, Joe Ashton, for many years. It's been very entertaining. And he's now doing it in book form. Be fair to say, not a fan of Alan Joyce, former CEO of No. Of Qantas. In fact, Joe Aston's reporting has led to Alan Joyce having to give back quite a large

component of his bonus. So I don't think he's a big fan of Joe Aston either. But in this book, probably the most damning thing that Joe Aston says about Alan Joyce is that he's mates with Anthony Albanesey. Really? So it's Alan Joyce and Carl Sanderland. It's going to be the two guys. At Albo's wedding, I'm going to be the two guys there as groomsmen.

Oh, man. Yeah. The picture that he paints is quite damning, right? So, of course, in the course of government business, you end up getting upgrades because, you know, that's how they, quant just wants to grease the wills, yeah. Political influence. And the whole point is, as we've discussed many times before Charles, the chairman's lounge is. Yeah, the ultimate way.

I mean, they're not creating a very expensive private lounge that cooks whatever you want, just because they like politicians because they think, you know, a fitting reward for public service. No, I think shareholders would probably have a problem with that. There's obviously a value proposition in offering those perks. widely known. What is less widely known is that Anthony Abernese seems to have had Alan Joyce's phone number on essentially fast dial. And so whenever he had a private flight, like to go somewhere, not on public business, but just, you know, for him and his son. Oh, you mean as an individual. On holidays, he would ring up Alan Joyce and go, hey, mate, can you bump me up to business class?

Really? And he did this like 20 times. And it's all, and his defense is, look, I, I did disclose it. ultimately on the parliamentary register. Like these were personal gifts given to me my Qantas as a result of my relationship. But it does seem just a little unseemly the way Joe Ashton has described that process. It wasn't some sort of like above board, the government's got a contract with Qantas, so therefore you get some perks. It was a very much a, hey, mate, mate, mate, mate, mate. Anyway, so the point is. 22 is the number.

At least 22 over a decade. two private flights over a decade, right? So, like, bump the upgrades, right? And they've all been declared, but no one's gone through and totaled them up over all the years. Yeah, and you've got the flights. Like, that's not a huge amount of money. Like, if you're wanting to influence, like, for example,

the government fairly recently didn't allow Qatar Airlines to have extra direct flights into Australia. That was really criticised. It was one of the earliest moments where it felt like the Albanese government was really, getting, was copping it a lot because it didn't make sense. Because Qantas, I don't know if you tried to fly anywhere in recent years, Charles, but

Quonis is quite expensive for their airfares. It's almost as though they've got a what's the word? Monogamous. Monogamous, yeah. A monogamous relationship with the prime mistake. That's right. Yeah. That's sweet. So the point is 20 upgrades over a decade. We're talking like probably

I don't know, four digit figure. Yeah, that's a couple of grand a year. Yeah. Charles, we can't afford a couple of grand But we could kick around the bank. But I'm just saying, and apparently, I was talking to a friend over the weekend who was saying, oh, he was so unsurprised by the whole thing. He works up in Canberra. And he was so unsurprised by this story.

And he goes, oh, but it's not just tickets and upgrades and Qantas Lounge and things like that. Like, buying politicians in Australia is surprisingly cheap. Like, it's not like America where, you know, you've got to go and give them $500 million. dollar like ira musk is you know giving a million dollars a day to vote for trump whatever so it's it's literally like a few tickets for the footy suddenly buys the undying loyalty of a backbencher okay so hang on so let's put a package together charles i'm let's get let's get practical about this we'll have to kickstart this it's got to be very we can't afford this i don't even well okay let's just

kickstarter it to buy the government to buy the government so we need a couple upgrades to flights yeah i'm thinking let's throw in a chase your annual yeah that can be our contribution that can be our And my book, The Diction of Terrible Idea is out now. I'll put that in there. And Canberra is in the book, by the way. So that will be good reading for your friend. Very topical. Very local.

And in fact, so is budget airlines. And anyone who's wanting an upgrade is probably going to agree with that. So, okay, so a couple of books. A couple of books. Tickets to the footy. Now, does anyone, like, are you a member of the SCG? Yeah, I can do some guest visits? Are there listeners out there?

Can you do like plus ones? Because that's all you need is a plus one. I can do like two people to the footy, that's fine. So if other people are members of... Like maybe twice a year. Of other football stadiums. Yeah, how does it work? Yeah, email podcast at chaser.com.

If you've got some freebies, maybe you've got a corporate box to something you can help with. Yeah. I mean, from my understanding... It doesn't have too much. It doesn't even have to be a corporate box. It could just literally be a seat. Yeah, okay. Ideally, like if anyone's got a Taylor Swift ticket or coming.

Oh, yeah, concert tickets to something. But, come on. Olivia Rodriguez. No, don't be ridiculous. Like, we're talking chisel. We're not talking to Towers. It doesn't have to be fancy. Well, I think cold chisels playing at Arncliffe RSL.

They're playing lots of RIs. Yeah, that's right. So maybe if Arncliffe RSL could throw in, say, two tickets to, well, it wouldn't even, it could be a couple of gigs like that. Cover band of Cold Chisle. A chisel cover band. That's it. Yeah, that's right.

A chisel cover band. Some dining would be good. Maybe some frozen, like, party pies and stuff. Yeah. You've got to think of what's the most iconic Sydney eatery. The most talked about Sydney is probably Engadine Macca's. It's Engadine Maccas. So some Macca's vouchers.

Yeah, that's good. No, the Monopoly deal is on at the moment. So if people could just, and you get free... Oh, send us the Monopoly vouchers. If you get a free, like, quarter pounder or something like that, gift that. It is, I mean, are they aware of the irony of the world's largest and extremely dominant fast food chain doing a monopoly promotion?

I'm surprised Quanta doesn't get in on this as well. Like, because I was at the Swans not long ago, by the way, and McDonald's had sponsored footy. So every single time the Swans scored a goal on their way to losing the grand final. Which was not that often. In the semi-finals would have been in the preliminary final. Whenever they score a goal on all the screens that the Monopoly Man would pop up, like it was like, hi, I'm a billionaire.

It's just like, it's the weirdest branding I've ever seen. Like the guy in the top hat, like a kind of Malcolm Turnbull-esque figure popped up on the screen. It is. To get us to buy McDonald's. It's very strange. Anyway, I wonder what the... Because you know Monopoly was originally invented as a critique of capitalism, which has been completely lost.

Well, as was the chaser. Which is being completely lost. Although that said, we are still very bad at capitalism. Charles, so what else? Oh, some tickets to your show. Yeah, we want to curry favour, though. Oh, okay. But yeah, okay, no, we'll throw in...

Yeah, a couple of tickets to war on 2024. Yeah, we've got our book launch at Glee Books coming up, the joint, Chase, Ranial and Terrible ideas book launch? Yep. I feel like

we need something from the media. Yeah. Because you know how... Oh, free subscription to the Australian doesn't, don't they give them

away like very easily? They already had that. Yeah, they already had that. Like, I think it needs to be, what could we give them? Oh,

don't give them quarterly essay because there must be a critical one of the elbow coming out quite soon up. I was just down at camera on the weekend actually and I saw at Parliament House

they've got Leck Blaine's amazing essay about Peter Duck in the gift shop. So I'm imagining I think Peter Dutton walking in. Well, a friend of the show, like, we should get him on to talk about it, actually. What else can we chuck in?

Yeah, I feel like we need listeners to chuck in. Few more things for the package. Like, if you've got any spare tools lying around at home. A model train set? Albo does love trains. No, no, he loves planes. He used to love trains. I've been to the Prime Minister's office, and it is embarrassing how many model planes there are.

Because he used to be Mr. Fast Train, but maybe part of the Alan Joyce thing. has been getting him away from the fast train. Because has Albuy built a fast train during his time? Like, the one thing we thought he'd do, there was like a study or a yet another study. But the question is, now that we've bought him. Okay, let's take an ad break and then we'll think of something to get him to do. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust.

So just before we do think about what we were, I feel like we might be buying a bit of a lemon. Oh. I wonder whether we should actually be fundraising all this stuff, but buy an up-and-comer, rather than someone who's an out-and-goer. He's had, you think he's already on the way out. Yeah, don't you think? But, you know, like, either way, maybe we, I mean, it's pretty cheap, maybe we buy both.

You'd buy everyone. Yeah. Just buy all the front bench. Yeah, yeah. Do you think Peter Dutton would be. I think he'd be expensive. Isn't he worth? Yeah, he's worth.

Yeah. Because you're going to go Singaporean style. But you get multi-millionaires to be politicians, so they don't get corrupt. You've just got to go for his interests. Just to attack the ABC. You can get a clump of uranium on Amazon. Can you? Yeah.

Yellow cake. You can buy it. Yeah. So we could buy something like that for him. So you can take it into Parliament and go, don't be afraid of it. And what about Rogain? We get some Rogain. You know, I read on the weekend, they've actually made a lot of progress with baldness.

Yes. A big breakthrough coming here. Possibly in time for you, Charles. I think I'm stuffed. No, no, no. I think the latest break. threes are all that you're going to be able to regrow it. Oh, good. Yeah.

It'll age me down to looking 60. What do we want to do? Well, I mean, in the case of the Albanese government, anything. Yes. It's right. It was not rehearsed. Yeah, it was like a housing policy, right? No. That's too expensive. And also too much like the grains. Like, you don't want to be, you want to be hating the greens. You don't want to be doing

something like the grains here. Um, what about, uh, you know the problem with policies? An inflation policy. Like, An inflationary policy? Well, no, you're like an ante. Charles, that's their housing. See, this is the dilemma that Albo has, and I feel for him, is that if you do anything, you risk alienating somebody. I mean, look, Peter Dutton's had this big idea for nuclear.

That hasn't really worked for. What about free therapy for politicians? Because I feel like that that might be, like, their desire to sort of be loved by their dad. Maybe what they need is some sort of, oh, that's getting personal. Maybe, maybe some sort of thing whereby. I'm not saying specifically about our. I'm saying, you know, the childhood trauma of growing, you know, like they just need to do a little bit of introspection.

I think he makes therapy over the Rudd thing. I mean, the moment when Albanesey, I think, indeed himself most to Australians, was when he cried because of Kevin Rudd on camera. I was watching that live. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember that. And the fact that anyone could like Kevin Rudd enough to be in tears, this is a man who's been really traumatised.

He's been really traumatised. You can't, I mean, other than being related to Kevin Rudd, how is it possible to have? Maybe it was because in the, because in the, lead up to that. Maybe he saw Rudd as a dad. No, I think more likely explanation is in the 36 hours leading up to that beach, he'd been stuck in a room with Kevin Rudd, which would drive anyone to tears. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So, I mean, a policy, so housing's too much. Submarines, we've already got a policy on that. A better policy on submarines? Oh, climate change. Oh, I can't afford a climate change policy. Oh, no, Charles. What benefits us? Gaza? No. No, Gaza. Genocide. No. No, no. No, no, no, Charles, forget all that. What benefits us? What would Alan Joyce do? Oh, what would Alan Joyce do? A better, um, better funding for, um, podcast. Public funding for satire. Yes. That's what we need. Look, the ABC, yeah, that's old hat, right? We need the ASC, the Australian satire corporation. Yeah, satire corp. Yeah, satire corp. Yeah, satire corp. And we'll, we'll unionise with, with, um, we'll take over. We'll get government funding and we'll take over the shovel and Batuta. And make one monolithic satire corporation.

And we have a sort of peat-body satire Australia. That's right. And with direct funding because we're important for democracy, right? Yes, that's right. You need people making jokes about politicians. And we'll pump prime our cartoonists. Yes, lots of money. Yep.

We'll have to have a whole channel dedicated to Sean McAuliffe. Oh, wait a minute. We've already got one. Yeah, that's right. I think he doesn't need any more funding at the moment, Sean. What about a satire lounge where politicians from hobnogged with satirous. We should set up the chaser lounge in every, in every... This is how we do it.

You know, Charles, if we would... We just set up the chaser lounge in Canberra and Sydney, Melbourne. If we were actually doing an election show, what we would do is set up at Canberra airport. And we'd actually have a table and offer massages and cups of coffee and... But also just to chat. Yes. A chance to... Yeah, just chat about the issues.

And just make jokes with them that made them feel that they weren't the ones being laughed at. So whoever, you know, if Peter Dutton comes in, we make Albo jokes. If Albaugh comes in, we make Dutton jokes. Yes. If Farnaby Joyce comes in, we just give them some beer. Yes. That's what we do. We tailor the experience to buy them off.

And then they get what they actually want, which is just the feeling that people like them. People like them, yeah. How good an actor, I know you've been next to that. But actually, we wouldn't. Yeah, I think we'd get Craig or something. No, we get Craig to do it. Yeah, okay. This is sounding like a good idea.

So then we'd have the politicians in our pocket. The pocket's a big satire. And then what we do is like Albo, we do nothing with that power. Yeah, we spend our entire lives accumulating a lot of power. Yes. Just being at the centre. Like, just waking up one day. You can imagine Albo waking up in the lodge and going, okay, I'm the prime minister.

I've got, I can make things happen. Yeah. What am I going to do with my power? Yeah. I might get an upgrade on a flight. Maybe. I still text Alan. I know he's not working anymore, but does he know the person I can.

Alan, who do I text to get an upgrade? Alan? He's struggled so long and hard, Charles, to get this job. He's potentially about to lose his job. What do you do with it? Maybe he forgot to do the things. Like, because you know how you make a to-do list? Yes.

He's lost the to-do list. He's lost the to-do list. Or he just forgot. He got so busy along the way. You know, 4 a.m. starts. Just busy work. He's tired. Soxage sizzles.

Turning up to the opening of every fucking P&C meeting in your local electorate. Having to go to the chairman's lounge. Having to not build the train. Yeah. You know, like all these. And then, you know, you get to the end of the day. You haven't, you know, I don't want to do it to do this. I'll do that tomorrow.

Charles, do you remember back in the day, back when we were making television with Andrew Denton, he would say, just dropping a name there, Andrew Denton, he used to work with him. He used to say, occasionally he'd get a little frustrated and he'd say, look, you know, you've got, how many weeks it is of the national broadcaster, you've got a platform, you've got to show. Do something with it. Do something with it. What are you going to say? Like, swing for the fences.

Aim big. Have a point. Which is why, you know, the first ever stunt I ever did was that fat gag about Kim Leezley. You know, swing big. Like, say the big things. Don't just go for a cheap shot. Yeah, don't do it.

Go for something ambitious. Yeah. That's right. Did we ever actually fulfill that brief? I don't know whether we did. But anyway, we kind of did. So we need to send Andrew Denton down to say, Anthony?

No, but he'll just want everyone. to kill themselves. Isn't his whole thing? Oh, Ethanation? Yeah. Well, he actually, he's succeeded.

He actually got it up. He's made it legal to commit suicide in every single state in Australia. I mean, it's an amazing achievement. The last one was South Australia. He was one of the only people who's actually changed policy. Certainly far more than the Prime Minister, really. Yeah.

We've just got to get Andrew Denton interested in doing our bidding. Do you think now that euthanasia is legal? You can now die in the manner of your choosing at a time of you're choosing. Do you think that's why Anthony Albanesey bought that house in Copic? as an act of political euthanasia. Oh, I see. Oh, I see, yes. It was like a poisoned pill.

I'm going to lose the election. I may as well lose it for the right reason. I'm going to go gently. Well, yeah, I mean, to the beach house. Yeah. Okay. Do you think, you need to imagine Anthony Albanesey, if he loses the next election, as he may well, sitting in the beach house in Copacabana and just calling up Alan Joyce,

looking back at the old times. Remember when he used to give me those upgrades on? Remember when he used to be the prime minister, Alba? Yeah. Do you think Alan Joyce will answer the phone? I think he's George. already changed his number. We are part of the Iconiclass Network.

And we'll see you at the Chaser Lounge.