The Chaser Report - Friends With Electoral Benefits

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

It only took 3 days of the election campaign for Charles to come up with a new theory. This time it's about how Peter Dutton has misconstrued his professional friends for his personal ones. Watch OPTICS on ABC iview here:https://iview.abc.net.au/show/opticsCheck out more Chaser headlines here:https://www.instagram.com/chaserwar/?hl=enBuy Peter Dutton a friend:https://chaser.com.au/support/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Today I heard the scariest words in the English language when Charles Firth walked into the room. He said, I have a theory. It is a sad theory, Dom. Oh, no, it's not going to be one of those episodes, is it? It is pathetic.

It's really tragic. It's really, it's really sad. And it's about Peter Dutton's Gap. guest plan. It's really sad. Strap yourselves in for a hell of an episode. Okay, so... I thought we were only going to talk about the election if something really interesting happened. No, well, yes, I came up with a theory.

Okay, all right, we'll be the judge of that, won't we listen? So, as you probably saw, on Sunday night, Peter Dutton announced a guest plan, right? And... I missed that. There was talking the budget reply about an east coast gas reservation or something. On Sunday, he was out on the hustings, talking up his gas plan. And the whole idea, yeah, it was part of the budget reply as well. The whole idea is that he's going to require Australian gas companies to give some of their

guests to Australians, right? Right. Oh, yeah, none of this offshore gas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the whole point is, like, unlike Labor, they'll just require it to happen, right? There's no, as far as I can work out any mechanism by which it's going to be done. And yesterday he was asked, well, will you find the companies if they don't do it? And he went, well, you know, like if it comes to that, yeah, I suppose, you know, that's something that we would might do, right?

But it was clear that he hadn't really thought through whether that would happen because, you know, he was going to pass a law that would require them to do it. So, you know, why would you need an enforcement mechanism? I mean, in other countries, Charles, the leader would just issue an executive order. Exactly. And it just kept done. would just get done, right. Okay, and it's not like in Western Australia where they baked into all their agreements. No, no, no, we get to keep a certain percentage for it before. On the East Coast, it's a bit different because all the deals we struck were just sell it. Just fucking sell it to the

world. We don't care. We don't need our gas. I'm no economist. I certainly don't understand how gas pricing works. But, Charles, wouldn't it be the case that if there was demand for gas on the East coast of Australia, we would supply that demand? Like, what would be stopping people buying the gas without this plan? This is the thing I don't understand about it is what is the problem that we're solving? Well, the problem is, so there's a couple of problems. One is these gas companies, you know, creating gas costs a lot of money. There's a lot of capital startup.

So you don't go and go, oh, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to set up a gas plant. Right. And just hope that people buy. So I've got a finite amount of gas. You enter into long-term contracts with people who, you don't go. who then fund you to sort of thing. To explore and drill and, yeah, right.

In some ways, your buyers tend to be the people you're supplying to. And so in some ways, you're sort of kind of a little bit owned by the people who are buying your gas because they go, oh, right, there's a whole lot of gas there. But China might say, oh, there's a whole lot of gas there. You know what? You can be the company that runs there and you can be like this independent company, but we'll buy the first 25 years of you guys. Oh, and they'll pay you to set it all up, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, our politicians didn't know any of this because how could you possibly know anything? Well, I don't know when it comes to gas. Yeah, exactly. Australia's, you know, the East Coast has sort of been locked out of buying gas. Oh, okay. And to the extent that there is gas available on the spot market, you're exposed to the international price of gas, which can be extremely high if, say, I don't know, Russia invades Ukraine and then they bobbed the Nord Stream gas pipeline in order to cut Russia's gas. off from Europe.

Wait a second. That's not a hypothesis. That's the thing that happened. I'm just looking at the detail, just to explain from ABC News, Peter Dutton vowed in his budget reply, he would force gas giants to supply house. Forced them. By a discounted $10 per gigajal. So not only is he going to force them, but he's going to force them to give us a mates rate.

Yes, exactly. Forced rate for Aussies. Forced them, right. Okay, but no details on what that force will be. And this is where my theory comes in, which is I reckon Peter Dutton thinks that the reason why the gas companies will do it is because he's their friend. Oh, you think it's by, when I say mates rates, he's going to be their mates. Yes, because the thing is he goes, they invite him to all their parties.

And he gets to eat the caviar. You know how he goes on Gina Reinhart's private jet all the time? Yeah, didn't he go over to Western Australia for like an hour or two and then come back again? Yeah, yeah. And he flew back in and said cost of living is my number one priority. It's like, well, I mean, to be To be fair, I presume he didn't pay, did he for the jet? No, well, yeah, actually fair enough, yeah, the soaring cost of caviar.

Well, no, he didn't pay for the caviar either. Anyway, so my theory is he goes to all these fancy dinners and lunches and, you know, cocktail parties and things like that. And he thinks, oh, well, I'm mates with them. I don't need. That's why they didn't think through, oh, well, what will the enforcement mechanism is? Because he just thinks, oh, you know, they'll do it. Right. And this is my theory is, I think that the Libs think that the reason why the big

end of town, like the corporate, tend to support the Liberal Party, is because they're all friends, right? Even though, but it's not, it's not the case. Like, if Peter Dunn wasn't, I don't think Peter Dunn would be getting many invitations to lavish cocktail parties halfway across the country. If he didn't have that position, he's sort of confusing. Right. So you're saying that if you, let's say if Peter Dutton were to. lose the election and stop being opposition leader, which I don't think will happen, by the way. I think if he loses narrowly, he's definitely going to stick around because... Oh, really?

Who else would you... But everyone's sort of saying it's a two-term thing, right? What? Well, that's the commentary. Who else would you put in? My sons asked me that exact question last night. Like, what will happen to Peter Dutton if he loses? Like, will he just have to quit?

And I sort of assumed that he would, like, wouldn't you just... Because when was the last time a two-term opposition leader, then what? Well, Tony Abbott, I think, is your answer. Although Tony Abbott wasn't there for the whole two terms. Well, I've always thought Tony Abbott is the Peter Dutton of the Liberal Party. But so, or Bill Shorten. He might Bill Shorten. I know.

But next time. So, Kim Beasley lost. But at any point, if they all just lose to it. What about Peter Reith? He didn't even go to an election, did he, Peter Reith? I don't think. Anyway, the point being, if Peter Dutton does reasonably well, I presume he sticks around. But your point is that if he were no longer opposition.

letter, you're saying he wouldn't be invited to these parties anymore. Yeah. That's upsetting. That means, are you saying they only like him because of his job? I know, this is the thing. And you go, and it's probably also a little bit of like, I think that it's why the Liberal Party just, they fall into this trap of thinking that all they, you know how they stuffed up the NBN and everything like that.

I kind of feel like part of the problem is that they've been to school with all these people that they're interacting with it. It's sort of easier to trick. those people into thinking that actually, oh, we're all mates here. Oh, you know, you just pass a law. You ring up, mate. You don't need any enforcement mechanisms. We'll just do it.

Yeah, yeah, mate, my mate. And that's why their laws are so guile. Like, you know, not saying that the Labor Party aren't guileless. Like, I'm saying they're even more guileless. We do need to point out, Charles, that in our lived experience, a lot of future Labor MPs went to exactly the same places and no, the same people. I mean, that's literally. No, no, they all go to the same.

They do. But you're saying it's the delusion of genuine friendship. Yes, that's right. And I think with someone like Peter Dutton, I think that that would be really potent for him. Don't you think? Like, he's finally found his friend. I can relate to this, Charles, because I've had experiences in life. You know, when the chaser was riding high.

Yes. There were. Oh, yes. Look, I'm going to put out there. There were VIP events. There was one particular bar that just gave us. a card where we got free drinks every time we went up to a certain limit. Yeah.

And they hadn't quite realized that if all of us went together, we'd have a massive tab that we would never run out. Didn't that bar go broke? No, it's actually didn't. It didn't. But the cards stopped working after all. So that's what, that's the VIP lifestyle. There's a little bit of a peek behind the curtain of the very brief period when we were

kind of VIPs. But yeah, they didn't like us for us. It was because we were on a high rating show. Did the doors slam closed quickly when that all finished? How often do you get invited to bars, Charles, now, where there's just free drinks endlessly? Look, the problem is just batting them away. Like, that's a full-time job. I've had to bring on, not just a PA, but like, you know how people have a social diary

organiser? Yes, that's right. Yeah, I've got an anti-social diary organiser. Hang on. I'm just getting inundated with invitation. Just a moment. We'll just take some ads while we do this. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Yeah, no, this is the thing. It turns out it's not that. And I, the good thing about me, though, Charles, was that I never felt for one moment, A, that I belong. Or B, that it would continue. Yeah, there was no sense in which I thought, yeah, my personal charm will keep this happening. This is my new life now forever. There's no delusion. Do you think Alba has that delusion?

Do you think he, so every time, I don't know, road company takes him, or, you know, actually, Qantas is the, it wouldn't it be? Well, that's where the allegations are being. Yes, that's right. So he did thought Ellen Joyce was his friend. I think shareholders thought Ellen Joyce was their friend as well. Look, this is, I mean, this is a cautionary tale. So this is why I think what we should do is we should have a grassroots movement to find a friend for your local politician.

Oh, that's very sweet. Because they can't be friends. Yeah, they can't be friends with their colleagues. No, no, no. No, it's a profession where they literally will. laugh, you know, like, smile at you in the face while they're stabbing you in the back. Absolutely. Like, it's just horrific.

Yeah. And often in the front. I mean, the backstabbing metaphor is generally doesn't work. No, it's not in the Australian politics. There's, so I've got someone here from an ABC News report. It could be a friend for Peter Dutton if you want. The thing is, you can get friends through the IndyIS, right? Can you?

Yes, yes, yes. It costs, it's a horrific amount of money because having to pay to be friends with a politician. That's a salaried position. But I think that that would be quite costly because it's like 500 bucks for four hours, as I understand. But it would be. It might still be cheaper than un-economic policies if you think this is one. Yes, because suddenly Peter Dutton, now that he's got real friends, and the friends can, they don't need to know anything about politics. They can just go, probably better if they don't.

Hey, mate, so like that gas plan sounds really interesting. So why do you think that they would obey you if you didn't have any enforcement mechanism? Or, you know, like, said it in a friendly way. What's your plan to force them? You're just sort of putting it out. What's your plan to force them? And then it gets him thinking and he's going, oh, wait a minute, I go to these nice parties with my friend.

Maybe those people are actually just trying to use me. And it unravels a whole lot of, you know, childhood trauma and, you know, stuff about his life that means that he suddenly wants to stand up. So there's a quiet here. I mean, this is the sort of person who could be a good friend. There's a guy called Saul Kavonich, who's a head of energy research at a I think a broker or something called MST Marquis. The ABC has published a note that he wrote to clients saying that, in fact, this policy

might may prove a political noose at the election because $10 per giga jewel will not sustain gas investment and that the policy would reduce investment in domestic supply capacity to the point where, quoting, breaking export contract or gas shortages will be the inevitable result. Now, that would be a handy friend to have as someone who actually really understand the kind of gas market. So you're saying the friend could actually also be. A policy expert. Yes.

All like that. In this case. Yes. And that would actually be nice because then all the sort of experts who know things would get invited to party, which I imagine they don't. They probably don't ever get invited to parties. Exactly. So, I mean, but this is something. I'm sure Labor is in the same.

Policy wonks suddenly become really popular. Oh, wow. It's a revenge of the nerd. On the NDIS, yeah. But Labor, I'm sure, you know, that you could use some policy, use some policy experts. What about people talking about the orchis? The funny, I'll just to complete the thought about the gas price, though. The funny thing is that I don't know whether you remember, but at the last election,

which was 2022, had Ukraine invaded or had Russia, sorry, I was just, there was a Putin talking point there, had Russia invaded Ukraine? Yes, because they just invaded. Because there's a, it's, we just had the three year anniversary of the war, and obviously the terms of less than three years. So one of the funny statistics that's, uh, that Katie Gallagher was throwing around, She's, of course, the finance minister, was that when Labor came to power, the gas price was something like $1,500 per gigajol, whatever the measurement is, right?

And it's now down to like 100 or something like that. But that's just because it had completely spiked. In the immediate aftermath, the war being declared. But so this poor policy that Peter Dutton's trying to roll out of will reduce gas prices will category is going around. But they were like literally 20 times higher. got into power. Downward pressure. Yeah, that's right. Well, this is the other thing.

I mean, Peter Dutton has said... Nothing to do with Australia at all. Peter Dutton has also said here that there is no doubt that power bills will be cheaper under the coalition. This is the big debate that we're having. Do you think that that's because he goes to the sort of parties where they go, oh, yes, yes, there's no doubt. Because I doubt that. Like, how can he say there's no doubt? I doubt that they'll be cheaper under the coalition. Especially if there's no enforcement mechanism for this rule.

Well, it's just remembering... And also, because the other hilarious thing was, so they asked, it wasn't Petter Dutton, some other minister who, they, but it was a lib on the radio on Monday morning. They asked them, oh, would you find the gas companies? And you could just hear this hesitation of like, I don't want to find my friends. I don't. But then it was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we were definitely looking to that if it came to that. But, you know, we think that they'll just do it anyway.

Well, it says here as well, this was a policy, a bit like something's pretty, suggested by David Pocock, the ACT, and, you know, independent senator. Yeah, right. And that's, I mean, it must be lovely for him to get an idea up. We pett it up. Yes, yes. It's an interesting to the Lord.

Because I think the Labor Party's been stealing all these ideas over the last three years, haven't they? There's certainly a few things. He's going on about the knack and all this kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah. So, but this is a universal issue. What a triumph the neck was. Great. Has the neck, I mean, I'm genuinely can't remember.

Has the knack actually done anything in this term, other than existing? No, so the only. thing that has happened with the knack was that they referred their chair for corruption allegations. Oh, really? Yes, because it was over the Qantas Club scandal. Oh, yes. They said, oh, we don't think he's done anything wrong, but they went, it would be inappropriate for us to investigate our own chair.

Oh, yes, yes. And so they referred him onto somewhere else. Well, there was also the whole thing, which I think is hilarious. The only scandal that they've managed to sort of publicly do anything about is, their own crap. So they've got some, they did catch a credit card abusing AFP cop. So there's a couple of little things.

There's certainly nothing kind of ICAC scale. They haven't brought down a single prime minister. No, but that was, it was designed as a way to get rid of the teals and get them to stop bothering without actually having any. It was like they didn't have an enforcement mechanism. They forgot the pull enforcement mechanism. They need, they need mates. Like our elbow needs mates.

Adam Ban needs, mates. They want to need mates. you can go, look, just coming from a friendly place here, this policy you've suggested, yes. Is it actually going to work? Do you think that the teals all got invited to a cocktail party by Alba and Peter Dutton? We know that there have been cocktail parties and they win for the teals. You don't need an enforcement mechanism and they go, oh yeah, they're my friends.

I mean, it just, I'm friends with Peter Dutton. It just makes you think, Charles, does this then mean that everyone who ever has a cocktail party invites people to it? It's not actually because they like them. There's no such thing in this world. It's all just to try and convince people to be... Does that mean every time you've ever invited me to drinks at your place? Yeah, that's just wanting to get something out of it. Yeah, that's the reason I have all those massive pages.

I mean, I'm saddened by that on one level. I'm saddened by that. But also, the notion that I could anyway influence anything, that's very flattering. I didn't know I had that power. If people are liking me for what they can get out of me, at least I got something to trade. Anyway, if you want to contribute to a fund of friend for a person, Polly Fund, just go to chaser.com.com. You'll support. And we'll make sure we'll send that money on. And you can trust

us. There doesn't need to be an enforcement mechanism for that. I've just thought of something that the NAC can investigate. We are from the Icona Class Network. Catch you tomorrow.