The Chaser Report - Get On The Deers

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Today we ponder the strange tale of the deer-averse nude sunbakers, suggest new lockdown vouchers, explore Barnaby Joyce's brain, welcome back Dan Andrews and take a trip to St Luke's Grammar School. So, a hectic day, even though we aren't technically allowed to go anywhere. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday the 29th of June. Another Delta edition of our podcast with our co-host, Dan Illich, of the Irrational Fear podcast, reporting from Bondi at the heart of the Sydney cluster. Hello, Dan. Dom, it's good to be with you once again, and I want you to know I'm walking around with my arms in a Delta wing fashion. Like straight out, Dan by my side, Delta winged out. any time I'm walking around Bondi, people know that I could be carrying Delta.

And you look really weird, which is perfect for social distancing. No one's going to come near looking like. I do look weird, but I also look like Barnaby Joyce or Scott Morrison standing for a photo opportunity. You know, they've kind of got their arms out the side, try to make their shoulders as broad as possible to prove that they could carry the country. Yeah, well, they're probably carrying something. Let's jump straight into this segment.

Doven Watch. Because there's some things we've got to talk about top of the show, Dan. Big news from Sydney, the New South Wales Police Commissioner Mick Fuller had an extraordinary story in yesterday's briefing. Unbelievably, we saw two men sun baking naked on a beach on the south coast. They was startled by a deer, ran into the National Park and got lost. Not only did they require assistance from SES and police to rescue them, they also both receive a ticket for $1,000.

Dan, this is extraordinary. It is extraordinary, but first of all, their sunbaking, I'm okay with that, nude. That's totally fine. But while you're nude, how do you get started by a deer so much that you run away into the forest? Surely a nude man is more startling to a deer

than a deer is to a nude man. And also, I think I'm misunderstanding how exhibitionism works, Dan. Like if you're, surely they want the deer to watch. They're putting on a show for the deer. This is why they're on a beach. They're on a very public place where people can see them and as well as fauna. They should be charging tickets to go see their willy-whackers in the sun. Fauna cating, perhaps I'm not sure.

This wasn't clear. Yes. Maybe they are also Trump supporters because Trump did say early on in this pandemic that sunlight could possibly maybe even cure COVID-19, which we all know is not exactly true. So the rules at the moment are that you're, allowed to exercise outdoors in groups of less than 10. A group of less than 10? Tick.

Tick. Outdoors? Tick. Now, sunbaking, not exercising. My question for the commissioner is, if they were actually having sex, would that count as exercise, and thereby would they not get fine? Is the part of the thing they're getting fined for that they weren't exercising? But also, when the deer arrived, they sure as hell fucking started exercising. They sprinted out of there. That's compliant. Yeah, excuse me, sir.

I'm just going to have to stop you from sunbathing there to take your heart rate. If your heart rate is higher than a resting BPM, then you're free to go. Unfortunately, your heart rate has come back at 75 beats per minute. So I'm afraid that's a $1,000 fine. I just think we need more clarity in these guidelines because what I'm reading is public sex is fine. Yep, that's totally fine. Don't take my word for it, but it's exercises, outdoors, and just as long as you don't have to live in people who are in your orgy, you comply it.

But being chased off by a deer, couldn't that be some sort of sport? Isn't that like a some sort of steeple chase slash decathlon thing? It seems like something that would be in the Winter Olympics. Yes, indeed. If they were doing it down a slope with the rifles slung around their neck, it would be a biathlon. Yeah, look. And if the deer got involved, it might be a triathlon.

I don't even know how they roll. The problem is that they were probably nude. And I reckon if they had some sweatbands in appropriate places, with some sporting brands attached, like a nice little Nike sweatband or an Adidas sweatband, then that would clearly be physical education. The good thing is, though, Dan,

we've got the first spin-off mini-series of this lockdown. We all want to see a recreation at this story. I want to see the body cam footage from the police and the SES. When Good Sunbaking goes bad. Probably uploaded to Pornhub right now. Coming up, I'm going to be talking about the new range of Dine and Discover vouchers that the New South Wales government is going to be handing out to its citizens.

Gabby Bolt's going to join us to talk about a very weird exercise undergone at St Luke's Christian School last week. And Barnaby Joyce is not only back, Dan, he's got policies and we need to know more about them. I don't think I've ever wanted to know more about the Barnaby's policies that I do right now. Yeah, they're not very long, but they're quite out there as you'd expect. But first, let's go to Rebecca Day and Amino in the Chaser Newsroom. has issued a statement calling for calm following a surge in panic buying during lockdown.

The company is now in damage control as it took only one weekend for all their stock of discount trombone cases and inflatable bath mats to completely disappear from the shelves. In international news, the US has stepped up its efforts in enforcing social distancing in the Middle East yesterday with a series of new air raids in Syria. The bombing campaign has so far claimed the lives of five people who were standing too close together. SBS has just confirmed a reboot of their cult quiz show Letters and Numbers after years off the air. Citing the New South Wales Government's daily announcements of new COVID cases, the show's producers realise that there's still a lot of public interest in deciphering,

confusing mathematical equations on television. That's the latest news headlines for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought. to you by school holiday screen time. Because sure, I don't really know where my mum is, but I do know that I'm up to episode 45 of Louie. Dom, I don't know if you saw this,

but another Dom, Dominic Perratae, the Treasurer of New South Wales, is promising a whole new range of Diner Discover Vouches for New South Wales citizens as this pandemic rolls through. These are the QR codes you can go and get a discount on food or activities or any of that stuff. If you live in New South Wales, you've been given about a hundred bucks worth of vouchers to use in places like restaurants or movies

or galleries and stuff like that. It's a really great way to kickstart the economy. And I don't know about you as a fellow New South Welshman. Have you used any of your dine and discover vouchers yet? Oh, as soon as they're giving me 25% off on restaurants, I was straight in there. I haven't gone to a single, you know, self-improving activity for the Discover, but the dining, shit, yeah. Yeah, I think we've used, I've used a lot of the dine vouchers, but no one's really used the Discover vouchers as far as I can tell. There's like 50 bucks worth of experiences there that no one's ever used. So I'm thinking that maybe it's time the New South Wales put out a whole new range of vouchers

that perhaps citizens like you and I who don't really get through the Discover vouchers can use. I've got a couple for you. I'd like to try them out on you, see what you think. Deep Diver Discover. This is to be used for life coaches and psychologists to help people deal with PTSD of being locked in inside with kids these school holidays. Do you think Deep Dive and Discover would be useful? for you, John? Oh, look, I think counselling vouchers are actually a genuinely sensible idea.

I'm not sure what you were going for. It also made me think if there's some way of getting a discount on like putting on diving gear and going some sort of safe undersea base away from the whole of New South Wales, that could also be a really good thing. Yes, deep dive and discover a place where there's no oxygen so COVID can't thrive. I like that too. What about wine and recover? Yes. These can only be used in a bottle of wine that China has refused to buy and a tube Barocca, do you think? That's very useful. And also, you could do a wine and recover with an age for all the people in Melbourne who've been complaining about Sydney during the lockdown. Yeah, wine and recover. This is the gift voucher solely for John Fane, who complains

about how the rest of the country has dealt with Melbourne over the last six months. That sounds great, Dan. I love that one. And then there's time and remother. These vouchers are for parents who have wasted so much time with their kids during school holidays. They get to apply that the government can give them a government-appointed mother to look after of their kids so they can reclaim their time so they can go have fun, do something else. Right. So parents get like a babysitter. You get a babysitter, yeah.

Dan, is it possible to make that last for one, two, maybe three years? 18 years. Yeah, if you are of a certain tax bracket, you can definitely do this. If you're a friend of Peter Dutton, you can do it as well. Oh, God. Yeah. As long as Peter Dutton's not the mother that comes in and it sort of misses doubtfire type arrangement, that would be quite something.

That would be great. That would be great. Oh, kids, it's time to go to bed. You would never sleep. The kid would never be able to sleep if Peter Dutton was in the house, Dretches and Mrs. That's right. They'd be awake, terrified about what might happen to them.

And then lastly, I've got fine and whatever. These are vouchers for people who are introverts or single people in their 40s, who have basically all their friends have families of their own. And there are 100 bucks and they can be used for pretty much whatever. I mean, I'm not sure about this one. Dan, because part of me's thinking the introverts have just seen the rest of the world reduced to their level. So they're loving this, aren't they? That's right.

So they're like fine and whatever. You know, they're totally fine and they don't care. You know, they don't care. They kind of love this space. They love the locked out. Well, they pioneered this for all of us. So maybe this works as a reward. This is great, Dan.

The one I was thinking of was cower and conceal where you get paid $25 just for hiding under your blanket every day. That would be a genuine, when I was working in retail, I would turn up to my job. very hungover, and I would cower underneath the desk and sleep there for hours until a customer would come into the store. I really think, Donuterte should pay you to do that. That's right. Well, you know, we had, it was a very wide workplace. It was run like a football team.

But, you know, selling computers was different in the early night, in the late 90s. Indeed it was. I just wonder if the Niskels government could maybe give out vouchers of people who do a podcast. That would be great. I think that's economic stimulus at its best because there's certainly no one else paying us to make this. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Now, Dan, Barnaby Joyce is back in action. Really, what better time to be talking about a completely erratic maverick deputy prime minister than when the country is plunged back into a massive health crisis. I mean, it's just he's the man for

the hour, isn't he? Look, when the world requires all the best scientific brains to come together to bring us solutions to these incredibly tough scientific problems, I want someone who yells at the sky that God is the problem to climate change. So I can't wait to see who Barnaby's going to be yelling at to find out who started the COVID crisis and what kind of mystical being we should be talking to to kind of fix it. So Dan, he gave an interview to, of course, the Murdoch press a couple of days ago. I know that you on your podcast, Irrational Fear, focused very closely on climate as a topic. Can you try and make sense of what Barnaby said about his view on climate change?

What he said was, it's about the capacity to change back. That's why I have a skepticism. I have absolutely no clue what that means. In all honesty, I think he's talking about how much carbon dioxide is in the air currently and how long it's going to take to take that carbon dioxide out. Now, seriously, it's going to take a long time for that carbon dioxide to just deplete itself out of the atmosphere because we've put so much in it. So what needs to happen is we need to stop putting emissions up and we need to draw down those emissions as much as we can.

So he's skeptical about being able to do that. Now, if you just stopped emissions, it would take about 80 years for that number to go down naturally. But if we built a whole bunch of technology or planted a whole stack of trees, then that number would accelerate down quicker. It's just not going to happen in his electoral cycle lifetime because he's a politician. he needs to focus on the next three years. But the thing is, climate change doesn't have a three-year cycle. Climate change has got now 150-year cycle. Well, Barnaby Joyce is not really in favour of action

to stop emissions even sexually. He just, he's now got six children. He also says, Dan, my view is this, if you're going to have to compensate farmers for going net zero, you don't go to net zero, which is the first time I've ever heard a national politician arguing against compensating farmers. It won't surprise you for me to say

that what Barnaby Joyce is saying doesn't make any sense. But there is long-term benefits for farmers to go to net zero. Their farms are going to be more productive by being more sustainable. Like it's totally possible. So look, it's what Barnaby's saying doesn't even make sense. Like it's, he is really just in the tank for fossil fuels and for the mining organizations because that's what the National Party does now. The national parties are a mining party that don't care about the farmers.

Well, Dan, I do appreciate you putting your actual expert on this stuff hat on there. I'm glad to tell you that the other stuff he has to say is much more in the comedic zone. Nuclear power, he says, I'd like to get nuclear power going. I think that would be an incredible attribute for our nation. It would be an incredible attribute for our nation. Like, why spend billions and billions of dollars on gas when we can spend at least 25 times that on nuclear power? because nuclear power is so expensive and the timelines to create it are so long, it's not going to give us the solutions to the problems that we have today.

It's really, it's really mind-boggling. Like, the sheer economics of nuclear, just rule it out of the equation. Although in Barnaby's defense, he already looks radioactment. But there were some very relatable things that Barnaby Joyce said, and I think he's going to win a lot of votes with what he had to say about Scott Morrison. He just said, oh, yeah, we're business people. partners, that's all. I respect the office of the prime minister. But to say you have to like the person, well, you can, but it's just not necessary. Oh, that's good. I mean, I got to say,

Dan, as a, you know, a new business partner in doing this podcast, if you went out and said, you know, I respect the office of co-host, but to say you have to like the co-host, you can, but that's just not necessary. I think I'd be feeling pretty awkward right about now. With anything, my relationship with the Chaser is the opposite. I really like all of the Chaser members, but do I respect the chaser office? Well, you know. Well, there was one really encouraging thing about what Barnaby Joyce had to say in this interview. He said, I'm not a fool. I'm at the back end of my career, not the front end. So he's back as Deputy Prime Minister, but at least he knows it's not going to go forever. He's my favourite back end politician, that's for sure.

I think Barnaby's got a third family in him, Dan, if he really puts his mind to it. There's a staffer somewhere that wants a little Joyce. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by School Holiday Screen Time. Of course you never wanted to be one of those parents who substituted quality time for an iPad, but now you're locked down with them. And if you have to answer one more question like, what are you doing? You might explode. School holiday screen time, proud sponsors of the Chaser Report.

All last week in the Chaser office, we were talking about this bizarre story from St Luke's College in the northern beaches of Sydney, where students were given this bizarre quiz about what they value to members of the opposite sex, it was quite strange and quite creepy. Gabby Charles and I had a quick chat about it, which we now present for your enjoyment and or massive induction of nausea. Hey Gabby. Hello. Yeah, I've been having a little look and I'm sure as men you've already heard about it, but recently it's St. Luke's grammar school in the northern beaches. A little bit of controversy has been stirred up surrounding a Christian studies class. I mean, I don't really know what the issue was, but anyway,

It was just a good male-only Christian lesson on ranking women via a point system to observe if they're appropriate to date or not. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think that's what Teresa did with Mary Magdalene. Yeah. brought out the questionnaire and he was like, okay, yep. Yeah. I've heard of that stuff in the playground.

You're saying that this was like in class. This was like a football betting kitty that was taught to the boys of St. Luke's. I'm going to go through it with you now. What was the subject? Ancient history, obviously. Christian studies. We're all good gambling starts. That is not true.

No, it is. It feels Christian studies. Yes. I'm going to go over what the point system was. It was taught as follows. 25 points total to allocate on qualities that they would look for in a girl. It's a bit like a fucking football bet system. Aussie men are really great at that.

Some boys in the year 10 class were actually, this is true, over her dubbing this list, the Build a Bitch list. Lovely. So, six points for popularity, loyalty, good looking and attractive, intelligent, a strong Christian, kind and conservative,

a virgin and trustworthy. Five points being physically fit, easy to talk to, a fun sense of humor and wise. Four points, sporty or sexy, goes to church, honest, doesn't lie or cheat, and is friendly.

Three points, well dressed and groomed artistic good manners good pedigree ambitious goals hardworking great kisser and owns a car two points right height good at school brave stands up for rights and socially competent and one point favorite hair color favorite eye color has money sincere and serious generous adventurous similar beliefs cares for the world comfortable even in the quiet moments now disregarding the fact that this list is incredibly sexist and objectifies all women everywhere. The six-point quality system could also be applied to a fucking golden retriever. Yeah, the pedigree. Talk me through that. I know. I felt weird. It felt like I was buying a dog

from a pet store. But it's okay because the girls at St. Luke's were given a similar lesson. Oh, yeah? Yeah, their lesson was about how important it is to stay a virgin so Satan won't get you. And so you can score five points in the... Yeah, their lesson was about how to get to 26 points. No, in all seriousness and in the pursuit of fairness, I've actually made a list for St. Luke's to teach to the young women about the men at their school and the men in society as well. Another point system. But my point system, you need literally any one of these points

because right now the bar is pretty much on the floor. So, six points, hasn't assaulted anyone and doesn't intend to. Five points. Doesn't interrupt women when they're speaking. So hang on, Gabby. Oh, dumb, you just lost yourself five points. Damn it. Yeah.

So you pay attention to the list. Four points can name at least five female persons in a typically male-dominated area that they claim to be super interested in. Once, this is true. I had a conversation that went as follows. Oh, you like comedy? And he went, yeah, I do. Cool. Who's your favorite female comedian?

The one who, you know, the one who talked about a nan. I had to inform this man that he was talking about Hannah Gatsby. And also the fact that he had definitely not watched that special. All right. three points. When viewing this man's profile picture on any form of social media, it doesn't display one of the following, a car that's clearly from Google images, him with a dead fish, him with a dead pig, him with a gun, him, but taken from a typically dick-pick-style angle, him but with a quote on top of the image such as, I miss when modest was hottest, him with any

kind of quote about how he'll treat his daughter forward slash daughter's boyfriends if she ever dates anyone. Or if he's wearing any kind of Lowe's car key shorts, I'm sorry guys, but there are better shorts out there. I get the impression you grew up in regional New South Wales, Gabi. Oh my God, how did you know? Two points. They accept responsibility when they're wrong. Men particularly in Parliament right now are not great at this. Looking at you, Scott, it's not a race Morrison. One point. They don't teach or learn from shitty lists ranking women on how ownable they are. So I hope that St. Luke's gives me a ring in the next couple of days to implement my new lesson plan. So guys, I've got a bit of an announcement. I've decided to

become a Christian. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I've heard about their points ranking system. It might help you win some points at the pub, I reckon. Charles, if you ask Jesus sincerely enough, I think he'll make you a virgin again. This episode of The Chase report is brought to you by school holiday screen time. These school holidays, more screen time means less scream time. Don, before we go, can I just say how pleasing it is to see Dan Andrews back at work? And I just loved that they chose to do a back to work special with Dan Andrews. The Victorian media person was like, you know, how do we signify Dan Andrews is back to work? I know, let's get him in a construction zone with a hard hat and a high-vis vest.

And nothing says, I'm back to work more than that. But I don't know if you saw. the press conference, I think two of the Victorian media staffers left their handbags just behind, Dan, what you've got is this great picture of these two, probably four-figure handbags, just resting on the construction side floor. Dan, do you think it's that they're skillfully managing his media so that he looks like he's back to work? Or do you think that the doctors just said you've got to wear a hard hat at all times in case you fall down another set of stairs?

Yeah, that's right. I think, yeah, please, please, you don't want to set a stairs to fall on you like you're working in a Miami construction site. Oh, the night before he put out a video with his wife on the couch explaining how the accident happened and how he's kind of made his way back to work. And it was a very well-produced video. And I'm like, well, with the television industry dying in the ass, no wonder all these TV people are now working for premieres.

Premiers are now the number one producers of television in the country. Premium Premier Mornings are back on ABC News. At 10 a.m., join all the fun of Back to Work, Dan, with the Victoria Premier's presser. My spine is basically healed. Then at 11am, test your mathematical skills with Gladys Berrigleyan's daily numbers update. Those 18 cases, all but one has been confirmed as a link. About six of them were in isolation for the entire time.

A number of them were in isolation for part of the time. Some, unfortunately, were active in the community. Then at 12pm, join Mark McGowan, Anastasia Palishe, or any of the other premiers no one knows the name of. ABC News, the Premier Television Network. You can find more news 247 at chaser.com.com. You follow us on all the socials. Don't forget to subscribe to Dan's podcast, A Rational Fear as well.

Give us a five-star review just to encourage us or insult us, but then still give us the five-star review. Our dearest thanks to roadmarked friends, and we are part of the Acast, Creator Network.