The Chaser Report - GetAway (From) Melbourne | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

Melbourne has toppled Sydney from it's spot as Australia's biggest city, but not all Melbournians are happy about it...Hi Lachlan, your boss here.Yesterday you copied private instructions into the episode description, when you should have just copied the link to Andrew's tickets.Please only attach the below body this time, or there will be consequences.PROMO:Buy ticket's to Andrew Hansen's award-winning show 'Cheap' here! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. I'm Charles Firth and with me today is special guest Andrew Hanson. Hello, Charles. Yes, I'm coming to you from Melbourne and Charles, I believe you're in Sydney. Can we not talk about it? Can we not a typical Melbourne person bringing this up? I knew you would bring this up, Andrew.

It's a bit of a thing. A bit of a thing has just happened, hasn't it? Well, we should probably explain it. Do you want to explain it because you're so good or what? Well, no, because I haven't read the article. Okay, I saw the headline, and I rolled my eyes so hard, I got a headache and did not read the article, so you can tell us. So this morning, there's a report has been released that,

says that Melbourne is now officially bigger than Sydney. Essentially, the biggest city in Australia is fucking Melbourne. It's now Melbourne. Finally, as Melbourne people would say, we're finally proven our point here in Melbourne. We are actually the best city here, and the population have recognised it. It's like a vote, isn't it?

It's like voting. The population's the same as voting. It's whoever gets the most is the best. Yes, yes. Don't you think? Well, but I've grown up my entire life thinking, Well, you know, yeah, sure, Melbourne has much better coffee, much nicer people. It's sort of got a better geography and better public transport and everything.

But Sydney is the best because it's the biggest. Like, I live in the biggest city in Australia. Now, now what have I got? I've got Sydney, the biggest fucking lame-ass shithole where you can't even go out at night unless you just want to gamble. And we don't even have the fucking biggest. like the Chicago of Australia. We're just this sort of fucking middling piece of fucking shit.

Why have you let this happen? See, the thing is, and it's sort of a technicality, right? Because it's very close, right? Melbourne has 4.8754 million people, which is 18,700 more than Sydney, right? So basically it's a dead heat, right? And it's because of definitions. Like, it's about the significant urban area, right? And like in electropolitics, every few years, geographers rewrite what the boundaries of significant urban area are, right?

Based on, you know, like where people live and, you know, what services they have and stuff like that. It's not because Melbourne's better. It's just like because they fucking rewrote the map. Well, hang on, they should go further. If that's the case, the Melbourne geographers, if they really want Melbourne to be ahead, they should just extend the boundaries to Perth. So, yeah, Melbourne includes, it includes Adelaide, it includes Perth. It includes Sydney.

We might as well include Sydney as part of Melbourne. That would make Melbourne much bigger. Would you certainly have another 5 million people? Would that mean that we would get your coffee? Well, yeah, I suppose it technically would, you know, because baristas are so broke, they'd have to commute. solve a lot of problems. And would we get all the sort of like left-wing politics and people all dressing in skivies and wanting to save the environment?

Yeah, unfortunately, yeah, you would get the, you would get a lot of irritating, self-satisfied, smug-woke people. Yes, I imagine you would, you know, because urban sprawl and all that sort of thing, you know, and just moving back and forth. But I wonder if we did that, I wonder if Melbourne would. But maybe the thing is, we would have an influence, like if you sort of, If Sydney, if you enveloped Sydney, maybe you'd get worse coffee and have sort of real, real people who actually just aren't didactic pains in the ass. Yeah, we would. And maybe nice weather.

I mean, I wonder if we could get some rays, sunlight. Nah, that's never going to happen. Do you think they'd travel, do you think they'd commute to get to the Melbourne bit of Melbourne? I don't know. I'll tell you what, I spent a week in Melbourne in the last week, like last week. And it is the fucking fuckedest fucking weather in the fucking universe. It is just... You know what?

You know, the week you were here, that's the best week of the year. That's the nicest. You were here in the middle of April, which is honestly Melbourne's nicest weather the entire 12 months. The weather made no sense. It was like a satirical... It was like, oh, you put the weather on for the comedy festival or something. Because, you know, it would be a boiling hot, hot, humid day. and then it would just start to rain

and you'd look up in the sky there'd be no clouds and my kids would say where is the rain coming from dad and it'd be like I don't know where the like they've obviously like in Melbourne they just turn on the rain

they just ignore the rest of the weather patterns they just go okay it'll start raining now it's just yeah no that's right we don't need clouds here for the weather to be nasty no that's right and then we also do night time in the middle of the day here

I don't know if you've ever visited during June or July or August in Melbourne, but it's kind of like, you know, those sort of Scandinavian crime shows where it's always night time. Yes. Pretty much like that. You know, I mean, we're basically in Antarctica. So I've often been known to walk down the street to find lunch with a torch. Yes. I need a battery-powered means of just seeing as I go if it's overcast in Melbourne in the middle of the

the day. Do you ever fit one of those miners' lamps to your beret? That's what you know. That's a come standard with a Melbourne beanie. Every Melbourne beanie is equipped with a miners lamp so you can get down the street. I did notice also in the news, Charles, by the way, on this sort of Sydney-Melbourne rivalry, you know the CEO sleepout, which they book in for June? Yes.

This was in the news today. In Sydney, something like five times the number of CEOs. have signed up to sleep outdoors in June compared to Melbourne. And I just thought, well, I wonder why? Why would it be that you might be slightly more amenable to sleeping outside on a balmy tropical evening in a Sydney June than in the middle of an Antarctic storm? But also, like, June, isn't that when vivid is?

Like, wouldn't it be the most spectacular sleepout you'd ever had? You'd be out all night partying anyway. Yeah. You'd just be warmed by the bathe of lights that as you get treated to a sonnet lumineer. This population thing, though, Charles, I'm the other aspect of this that interests me is the notion that a big population, you know, means that it's a better place. Is that, you know, I wonder how, I mean, how true really. Because if that were true. I mean, if that were true, that would mean that Canberra is a complete whole.

Oh, yeah, right. And that Adelaide's just draggs. But I mean, you look at these cities in cities of teeming people in India and China, you know. You know, there's always some Chinese city that you've never heard of. And they go, oh, yes, and it's home to 48 million people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and you see them all squashed together. I mean, do you look at that and do you think, oh, that looks like paradise?

Or I want Melbourne to be like that. Oh, if only Melbourne had that many people. It would be even better still. So you want Melbourne to be a bit more exclusive, do you? You want it to just? Well, this is the thing. Yes, but you don't come to Melbourne because it's the bloody biggest. It's absurd.

And when these forecasts came out, the Herald's son went nuts, of course, here. The Herald's son had a lift out section when the figures came out predicting that Melbourne was going to become the biggest city by 2030. It was like, get ready, Melbourne. Great news. Finally, we're the biggest and best. But I have heard people say, look, I don't know if it necessarily means it's the best thing ever. The fact that you can no longer park or move or breathe. I can see where you're coming from.

But I get the impression that Melbourne people have secretly always wanted to be the biggest and the best. Like the fact that they call this thing Kilda Boulevard, you know, the World Club. What's it called? You know, San Quillers Melbourne's world-class boulevard. They've got to sign proudly about that. Oh, yes, it might even be world-famous. Is it world-famous? World-famous St. Kilda Boulevard.

Those little bakeries you see on road trips. Yeah, I think that they've always wanted. It's the world-famous St. Kilda Boulevard. They've lived in the shadow of Sydney, and now Sydney gets the chance to live in the shadow of Melbourne. And look, I think Melbourne is doing all the right things to make itself as bad. bad as Sydney. Because I noticed that when I was in Melbourne that you're digging tunnels everywhere, which is

I mean that's the reason you come to Sydney is to see all the tunnels where you don't see any of Sydney. You drive around Sydney. Oh, we love. That's right. We love Yeah, yeah. We're very envious of Sydney's tunnels. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know, every time I drive through that Lane Cove tunnel Oh, yes. I think, oh, if

only Melbourne had a few more of these. And that's not even the best tunnel. Have you tried the M8? Oh, that's a superb tunnel. I have. That's a Beautiful tunnel. Very nice. Oh, look, I'm praying that Melbourne's, you know, here in Melbourne, you know, the Burnley tunnel is a good start, but that's why we're building another 49 tunnels here.

Yes. Do you think that maybe Sydney's mistake was that they, you know, whereas Melbourne locked everyone down for the last couple of years and prevented everyone from leaving, Sydney built all these tunnels which makes it much easier to escape Sydney. and that's the reason why we've fallen behind. That's why they're all bloody here. That's why they all came to bloody Melbourne. I think you're on to so.

It's the tunnels. I feel like we should have, if we'd done this topic justice, we would have had more rivalry. I feel like we both appreciate how shit each other's cities are. You know, what you're supposed to do when you do these things? You're supposed to sort of get on board and really defend your own turf. But I can't think of it.

single thing to defend about Sydney except our tunnels. I mean the problem is nobody in Sydney does that. I mean a city people don't, you know, Sydney people don't really care about the whole rivalry issue. And whereas Melbourne, a certain type of person in Melbourne cares very deeply. We should have invited one of

them, one of those sort of Melbourne born and bred people who have a deep seated care factor. Because I don't because I've lived in both, I'm sort of like yeah, well they're both kind of just middle of the road cities at the arse end of the world, you know, pick and choose. between them

They're both fine Both perfectly adequate You know They're not war zones Which is good Yes But nor are they Paris or New York

Which is bad On that note Our gear is from Road We're part of the Iconicalist network Andrew It's been a pleasure Having you

When are you next Oh no you're still doing The Melbourne You're still doing Melbourne I'm doing a Melbourne We should We should totally plug Your show

Because that ends on Sunday, doesn't it? Well, that's right, I know, we should plug. So if you're in Melbourne and you're not admiring the new tunnels, then yes, my show Andrew Hanson is cheap. And that's playing every night at trades hall in Melbourne at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Until this Sunday, the 23rd of April, then I'm going to be in Perth on the 5th of May. I'm going to be in Brisbane, the 12th of May.

And Sydney has the show from the 17th to the 21st of May. And so you can see Andrew Hanson is cheap at any of those places, if you like. You go to Mr. Andrew Hansen.com and you can come and see it. It did win an award, actually. I just ignore that. Which award? It's not a profound, deep and meaningful, emotional, traumatic journey. Was it an award for most expensive show at the Perth Comedy Festival?

But I took those tickets off. Oh, you took those tickets, right. It's now the cheapest. What's the award? The $244 tickets are no longer on sale. Oh my God. I don't know why they were on sale to begin with. But what is the award?

What's the award? The award is an Adelaide Fringe Weekly Award for Best Comedy. Oh, well done. But look, it's just, well, no, not well done. I don't want this to damage my sales. It's not a profound and difficult show to watch. It's not going to have you in tears. It's not going to, you know, have a difficult life story or anything like that.

It's just a funny show full of songs. and sketches, I promise. No, that's bad, Marky. You've got to promise tears if it's a comedy show nowadays. Everyone wants a bit of pathos. Well, no, I don't. Exactly, this is the problem. I'm thinking of suing over that award.

I really am. Yeah. Like, don't you give me an award. This show's really entertaining, thanks. Yes, yes. I know what you mean. Can I plug my show while we're at it? You plug your show too.

So, Wayne Canongics, we've finished our Melbourne run, but we're doing Perth on the 6th, May we're doing Sydney on the 11th of May and Brisbane on the 18th of May so although I think Brisbane's pretty much sold out but you know Sydney or Perth yeah if you're in Brisbane just fly

down to Sydney and see that choice did and you can get tickets from Wankonomic stop on and I'm jealous and it hasn't won any awards yes because it's just really funny you're so far ahead of me I know you're way ahead of me yes terrible

although I think Look, maybe next year I won't want to... You know what you should do? To sabotage at me is to give me an award, the Andrew Henson Award, for, you know, torturous drama, you know, comedy shows, I mean, really scuttle my sales. Yeah, or if I see any of your posters around,

actually, when I'm in Perth, because I'm in Perth the day before you, your show, right? Oh, really? So you can see back-to-back, chase a show's in Perth. Oh, maybe I'll come and see you in Perth. I'll fly in a day early. But I'm going to go and find your posters around. Perth and I'm going to draw

awards on them To bring you down to my level You bastard Yeah I noticed Yeah you Because none of your posters Has the award on it You haven't put the award on your posters

Well I'm not going to advertise that Am I for God's sake I want people to come to the show Yes exactly Our gear is from Roe We're part of the iconoclast network See you next week Oh no

See you tomorrow probably Yeah see you tomorrow Yeah