The Chaser Report - Getting It On During Omicron

Episode Date: December 5, 2021

With Omicron on the streets Aleksa's mind is in the sheets as he shares why the latest variant has him in the mood. Meanwhile John's steak conspiracy has risen to a new level, with even more politicians officially giving their take on the matter. Plus the results of the Poddies are in and everyone is as excited as they are sober - but who won, and what hijinks did the Interns get up to? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Monday the 6th of December, 2021. We have with us, John Delmenico. Hello. Hi. Lachlan Hodson. Wayo.

Alexa Vulovich. Hi. I'm Dom Knight. And this is all the remains of the group. Gabby Bolt missing in action, I'm afraid to say today. And Charles Firth still touring somewhere other, but we're told him back this week at some point. Well, we've all heard that before. How worried are we feeling a group?

about Omicron at this point. We've just been last week in a room full of sweaty people talking close proximity at the podcast awards. I don't know. I think I'm still more of a fan of Delta, to be honest. Really? Yeah, if I had to pick a team to support, you know, I think everyone jumping on the Omicron bandwagon is a bit needy.

You know, stick with Delta. You like the old variant better than the nude variant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, you know, everyone's just trying to be a hipster with the new one. I think we're completely safe from Omicron, especially from that event last week, because, I mean, podcasters don't live. leave the house.

So I think I'm being in a big room with him is completely saying. I'm just the kind of guy that only wants the original like Wuhan strain. I don't think anything else is that. It's just so derivative. You know what's really great? You guys should try bird flu. Oh, a classic. 1918 Spanish flu, never been bettered.

Never been better. Is it a pandemic virus? I had no fear going to the podcast awards when it came to COVID. Because I work at a school in Canberra normally. Like all of those are always hot spots. That's the only place you can get COVID in camera. It's like school or parliament. I mean, that was.

So that's safer for me to be in a room full of podcasts than it is to be at my other job at a school. Safer for you, for the rest of us, you're probably the person who brings it in. Yeah, if there isn't an outbreak, it's probably my fault. It's been a pleasure to have you in the office, John. Last week, John, we discussed how you started a conspiracy theory about Albo and Dan Andrews' stake. It turns out it just got a whole lot bigger. But to get things started, Alexa, you're going to tell us about the upside of the Omicron variant. I'm looking forward to it.

It's going to be a beautiful, beautiful time. That's going to be right after Rebecca Adenamuno in the Chas Newsroom, which we'll bring you right after this. DIY enthusiast Scott Morrison has recently been spotted at an IKEA asking employees how to make a sturdier cabinet. After all his latest attempts keep falling apart, the PM insists that the individual parts themselves are faulty because he definitely followed all the instructions.

Australian voters have extended their deepest, condolences to the families of all the politicians resigning to spend more time with them. The condolences come after 50% of Parliament announced their retirement, mysteriously close to the upcoming vote on introducing a federal ICAC. And finally, a local bank has today rejected a family's mortgage application, stating that it is inconceivable that the couple who have been paying $1,200 in monthly rent for the last 15 years, could keep up payments on a $1,200 a month mortgage. The bank has said if the young couple wanted to get into the property market,

all they need to do is just begin working 30 years ago. That's the latest headlines from the Chaser's Christmas Workshop. I'm Rebecca Dana Muno, and I'm on the naughty list. Now, Alex, normally when you come on the podcast, you have some miserable story about drone strikes and people dying in some parts of the world. It's stuff we need to know about, but it's not really. very upbeat. But since we last spoke, Omicron has arrived. I'm so excited, guys. Why? This is the biggest thing to happen to my love life since Delta. Oh, man.

Wait, so you mean to tell me that you've been using a worldwide pandemic to get jiggy with it? Of course. Not just jiggy with it, just to find love, to feel human connection. Oh, wait. No, still not clicking. So you used a social distancing. World-ending pandemic to connect with people. Yeah, I see, I can explain. Pandemics have been amazing for dating apps. All the kind of cool people who are super charismatic and go out in person to meet people, can't do it anymore.

And then they're all in my terrain. They've all been reduced to your level. So people who have amazing game like in the bar scene have to have to do it on apps now, like the rest of the nerds, right? Exactly, exactly. And they're just talking to me now, which is, you know, amazing and new and exciting and there are so many great things about dating during a pandemic i just can't wait for omicron to bring that back around like what like you can't actually go on physical dates right no no no you

can but it has to be essential exercise so the only dates that are allowed are walks in the park which is perfect because i don't know about you guys but i i struggle a lot with bars like i love them but i think there are just so many different kinds of bars out there and they all send different messengers and like i don't know what i'm putting out there when i say i want to have dumplings and have a beer or I want to go to this bar that looks like a butcher but it's secretly a bar like these all mean different things in the dating world and I don't know what they mean but when it's a government mandated walk in the park like you just can't go wrong you know it's just like it doesn't reflect on me because I had no input you know we're just

here to get to know each other oh I have a question about these government mandated dates right when you're finished your walk in the park what if you get there and you the person you're meeting you don't vibe with immediately do you continue to walk because it's like, well, it's my government-mandated walk, I may as well take it now. The good thing is you can flee in any direction. That's not true to bar. Had you?

Yeah. It could just, probably not going to be as fast as him. He's very fast. But no, I mean, you have that problem on every day, right? Except in this thing, you're not strapped to a table like 30 centimetres away from a person. There's no bill to pay. Yeah. Oh, that's the best part.

And it's also like there are just more romantic things about lockdowns in the sense that, like, if you do get along and you decide to keep seeing each other, you have to start calling each other intimate partners, which is like a huge catapult in intimacy because like within the first week, you've suddenly got an intimate partner. And you're kind of going, well, we may as well get it on then. We're like, we've already told the government with intimate partners.

We've got no secrets. Basically claiming de facto, isn't it? Let's just get naked, yeah, right? And it's all funny at the start. You're like, how funny is this word? And then after a couple of weeks, you're like, this is a very serious word that we've been using. And it just, it boosts.

it, you know, you just, you force yourself into love in a pandemic. It's really beautiful. Are you aware that Omicron's potentially even more transmissible than Delta? So like, it's pretty easy to get when you go out on a wrong date. But I mean, that just means the lockdowns are going to last longer, which, you know, is perfect for me. Because like, after the previous lockdown, I've, I've found a lady friend that I've been seeing. And now I'm worried. Everything's opened up. I'm like, fuck, I'm going to lose her now because she's no longer forced to be with her intimate partner. Oh, and also you can only nominate one intimate partner, right? Exactly.

In order to play the field, she'd have to, like, actually tell the government about somebody else. There'd be admin to do, is what I'm saying? Yeah, exactly, exactly. And this way it just makes a lot simpler. And I'm looking forward to this never-ending Omicron lockdown because it's the only way I can lock down a relationship. Alexa, can I introduce you to something that most people would know as confidence? I feel like you're okay.

I don't think like the first sign of things opening back up means that your intimate partner is going to run. I don't know. Although if you did want to run, you know where you can do that? Park date. Well, I'm very glad that with all of the potential misery around the world, there is somebody who has upside at all this. A shining light in this never-ending hellscape.

I hope the lockdown never ends. And if you want to date, Alex, just get on the apps because he's on there, apparently. Probably find Locky on there too. But it's a very prestigious intimate partner position. You might have to audition. I wouldn't use that word around Lachlan. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust.

All right, Lachlan. All right, Alexa. Last week, John Delmenico, puppet master of Australian Twitter, started a conspiracy theory where people thought that Anthony Albanese and Dan Andrews' little steak barbecue involved fake steak, prettied up for the photo shoot

and the barbecue hadn't even been turned on, John. And you told us that story on the podcast last week. But there's more. So obviously the end of the last week was the end of politics for the year. Last sitting week, yeah. And while those things like the Jenkins report, there was a bunch of politicians leaving.

Labor was announcing a bunch of their new stances at the last minute. There was one specific topic that Albanese really wanted to hit on. It concerns barbecue gate, Mr. Speaker. The member for La Trobe has joined the conspiracy theorists that a barbecue

cooked for me by the Premier of Victoria on Saturday was a fake. I can confirm, Mr Speaker, just like the moon landing, it was real. The steaks were cooked perfectly medium rare. The steaks were cooked but not as cooked as a member

for La Trobe. So you're saying that of all the topics Albo could have chosen to leave a lasting like months-long impression till Parliament sits again, it was Delmenico J that set the tone. Yeah, this is weirdly the second time now that one of my jokes going the hands are. It's insane. This steak thing is going further. But also, Albinisi was wrong in his speech.

Moon landing was fake. No? Not the moon landing part of Lexus. I mean, the part where he said that it was definitely cooked in a barbecue and that it was a lie. Dan Andrews admitted that he pan-fried at first so I don't know why Albanese is claiming that he cooked the entire thing on the barbecue that's just a false narrative

technically briefly touched the barbecue hot plate and not at the point at the photo which means that not only is the theory right but also that Albanesey's wrong on the hand side about a joke that I made the plot thickens John because we discussed when we talked about this last week that your conspiracy theory you actually pretend that to be right

but you are now saying that opposition leader Anthony Albanese misled Parliament misled Parliament about your joke As a comedian I would never do this but he lied in order to set up a punchline and that is just appalling I think that he was misleading in more than one way

and it's not the moon landing and it's not the steak gate he said that they were cooked perfectly medium rare and I have a problem with that no no medium rare is not the best way to have a steak And that's also false information that he's giving to Parliament, giving to the Australian public. Also, there's no way those steaks are cooked medium rare, because they were already fully brown in the photo. And that was before they got barbecued.

There's no way to have them be that brown and then cook them more and have them be medium rare. Do you think Labor had a focus group to find out which level of steak would be the most affable? Just to be clear, Loughlin, medium rare is the best. Medium rare is the most popular. So that could actually be what happened. So hang on. So if Albo had said these steaks were previously, pan fried and then whacked on the barbecue at the last minute to make us look like ordinary Australians

just like the member full of the trobe. That would have been, yeah, that would have been fine. I would have been happy with that. Now, I'm more concerned with the fact that this is two jokes in the handside, one from Liberal Party, one from Labor Party. What was the other one? Oh, the other one was when Sally Naver ruthlessly and disgustingly liked a couple tweets on Twitter, one from Ben Jenkins, one from the shovel, and one from me. Clearly, I just have a gift for getting jokes in the handside, which is not generally known as a comedy book. Like, if you look through the annals of handsard, it's pretty dry stuff, rather like the steak on the barbecue. Like, I know friends of the show, Sammy Shah has done it a few, has been

in the handside as well, but I reckon I can steal his thunder with this and become the most, become the person with the most handsard things. I do like the idea of, you know, live at the Hansard, it's John Del Medico. Well, annoyingly, they haven't named me yet. And that's very rude. I don't work for free. I need some sort of at least exposure. This is just them stealing my material.

Would you want to be named, though, because your tweet was linked to a lot of other conspiracy theories. You became the poster boy for the anti-vax community. I was like, I agree with John. This man eats babies. I think you need to look at the benefits of not being named at this point, John. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. We have a very, very rused and messy, John Delmenico, Lachlan Hodson, Alexa Volovich, and me, Domite.

Hello. It's time to talk about the podcast awards held last Thursday. And I know, I understand that, you know, it's not exactly like a Logies recap, but think of this as the Potty's. This is going to be the Logies of the future and the Logies don't exist anymore. The Potty's is going to catch on. I think that's about as popular as Logies are now anyway. Yeah, that's true.

They'd probably meet in the middle. There's one groves and one declines. Look, it's a very formal. It was a very fancy event. And it was fun to go along with all of you guys. This is Lachlan speaking, by the way. His voice is an octave lower than usual. Oh, I wonder why.

Yeah, look, and we had a nice little lunch. We had a nice little evening together. But, you know, because it's a very prestigious event, the interns thought we should try and push things a little and see how far we could go. Even though we were there for Best Comedy, we weren't going to let that be the only thing that we celebrated there. We don't like being Pigeonhold. No.

We're a podcast for every topic. Yeah, and that includes Best Commercial Campaign. Damn right. So we thought that when they got up and they announced commercial campaign, we'd cheer a little louder. These are the nominees for Best Commercial Campaign. ComSec Market Updates. Wow. You know, it's a three horse race.

I think you definitely got an award. I think that's the chaser. For Susie and Harley, genuinely thought that we were with Comsec because of how loud we were cheering. We were standing up and fully yelling on top of our lungs. Can I just say, Comsec were bloody robbed. That was awful. Bloody robbed. And we weren't the only people who thought so.

The only time in the history of finance that, Tom Sack has ever genuinely been applauded. But look, that wasn't the only time that we made a bit of a splash at the awards show. Rowdy, you can't go, because at this point, I can't fucking see anything. I still look amazing. Thank you. I will be, oh my, it's the chaser Adele. You were amazing in that sketch.

Oh my God, bitch can sing. Are you singing? Okay. Yeah, I mean, basically they should have had Gabby marked up at that point. She just was the third presenter, I think. She's so amazing. That is the best networking I've ever seen. I've never seen anyone network from the audience.

Yeah, via heckling. Normally a heckle is an interruption and it's a bit rude. But in this case, it was like, oh, we're hanging out. For a moment there, they blocked out the hundreds of other people in the room. And it's just like a mutual liberation to say. And she got a plug. It was amazing. But look, the reason that we were all at the podcast awards was because we were nominated for best comedy.

Now, we weren't sure who was going to win. It was very tight. I knew we were going to win. Okay, so now. we find out who is the funniest? The judges said this podcast really embodied the spirit of this category in every sense. The jokes were well scripted amplified by clever sound design and high quality production. They are bringing a fresh perspective to Australian news stories while providing plenty of laughs.

The winner. Now hear me out. Hamish and Andy don't do news. Big Big Big doesn't do news. Bodgy Creek and housewarming don't do news. It's between us and a rational fear. That's so funny because you're saying that you thought we might. might win. I was hearing that and going, it's scripted and it's well produced nut. That is not

the Chaser Report. But it's about news. Yeah. I thought we genuinely had it up until For a second year in a row is Irrational Fear! I got excited when he said that. I'm like, we won last year too. I don't have no idea. Yeah, look, I mean, I guess we came second, except we didn't because it was a silver. So second was Bodgy Creek by Damien Callan, a fantastic podcast. Big, big, big, managed to take away third place with the candy man. Friends of the show.

I want to point out, we're definitely robbed and who are absolutely lovely to chat to in mourning at the end. But I think we can claim fourth place. Yeah. By default, we're the fourth best comedy podcast in Australia. You have absolutely no evidence for that. We're in the top seven. That's what we can say.

Well, anyway, our Kim is from Road Microphones, who also sponsor A Rational Fear by the way. A good podcast, which you should describe to. Did I mention I've been on it a few times recently? Anyway, you had a sticker of Irrational Fear on your suit all night. I did, and I also put one over my face mask when I was presenting an award. I didn't take the mask off. I was like, you know what?

To be perfectly honest, I'm not taking my mask off for this. If it was the Logie, sure, but not for the podcast awards. You kept your mask on during your speech, didn't you? Ah, fantastic bit. Just because I knew Irrational Fear was going to win and I wanted to associate myself with their success. Actually, an A-cast official came up to me afterwards. and genuinely said, yeah, we're not very happy with Dom for doing that. Seriously.

Yeah, seriously. You're also sent next to Gabby, who is on Irrational Fear, like, once a month. So that's also connecting you to Irrational Fear. Wait, so half of our podcast is already their podcast. But furthermore, Dan came on our podcast and, like, co-hosted with me for two weeks. So in a way, he lost the Australian podcast awards, best comedy categories. Dan, you failed. We're part of the Acast, Creator Network.

Thank you.