The Chaser Report - Give Everyone A Zorb Ball Immediately

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

With Omicron on the rise it's important to find new ways to protect yourself from the virus, which is why Dom has taken a look at some new methods of protecting yourself from around the globe. Meanwhile Zander has gone over to South Africa to investigate the new variant, and maybe accidentally create his own variant. Plus Gabbi went shopping for a dress, and made some new maskless friends along the way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. We made it to December. It is Wednesday the 1st of December, 2021. Gabby Bolt, congratulations on making it into the final month of the year. I didn't think I'd get this far. Lachlan Hodson, you've got your party hat on. I've got my party hat. I've opened my Advent calendar. Had a little chalky to start the day. I'm living. I just pulled a bug out of my hair. That's not even a joke. I didn't promise December was going to be any better than the previous months.

I'm Dom Knight. I want to start with some innovation. And, you know, it's been a tough year, but we've adapted, haven't we, as a species, to cope with all the change that we've had to deal with this year. In the Czech Republic, they've just come up with a brilliant idea. So the president has COVID. Okay? He's currently suffering COVID.

He's an old man in a wheelchair. He's not well. But that didn't stop him from swearing in the new Prime Minister Petrofiala. what he did was he got a plexiglass cube. No, he did. And he did. And I've seen the videos. A guy in, a guy in like full PPE wheeled him in to this ceremonial desk. And so he's in the big fancy office in the presidential palace, in a plexiglass cube.

No. And I just think, isn't that what we need? Isn't that what the Pope Mobile is? Pretty much, yeah, it's exactly right. So how's it going to redevelop? A bulletproof, COVID-proof box. And I just think that is what I want for Christmas. is a plexiglass cube that can just go anywhere.

Well, we're in one. But we're in one together. I don't want to be in the same cube as anyone else. He's getting our gems. Don't, I think you need, what's the transport like? Can you get it from place to place? You'd have to find a way to put wheels on it like the Popemobile. It's a very good point that can be makes.

Or you could just put those beams. I'm not sure what the actual historic name of it is. You know, these beams, like, and then somebody, like, oh, people would carry me. Oh, yeah. That would be pretty good, but I'd like everyone. to have one, just a cube. So we never see another, we never actually

touch any other human being or breathe the same air. We just all live in cubes. We could even live in bubbles. You know the Matrix? That's saying where they're all in the air of bubbles, yeah. Wouldn't that be safer? Yeah, and capitalism would mean that they'd release like decorative ranges. And I, for one, would like a

cube that is just a completely opaque colour from the neck down so that I never have to wear anything ever again. I think if you need something that's transportable and fashionable, we've always had an option, and that's the Zorball. Well, I mean, it's not dissimilar to the Plexiglass Cube. Maybe that's better because it's more transportable.

Yeah, and, you know, if you're a bit bored, you can always just run into your friends and topple them over, which I think would make the swearing-in process for a Prime Minister a lot more fun if you didn't like them. That's true. That's the part of the Czech scene, if you look at it, if they're all in Zorb balls, it could have been much more fun, much more entertaining.

But, I mean, also, I hate to bring this up, but we've just discovered that in Parliament House, one in three staffers has experienced harassment. I am shocked. Yeah, well, the PM said to say, oh, it's shocking. I'm so shocked. It's so shocking. I had no idea that there was abuse in Parliament House.

So this is the Jenkins report. I mean, if everyone was in a Zorball that couldn't possibly be, you know, I don't want to use the word penetrated, but no one else could get into a locked Zorball. Yeah, and I could kick Scott Morrison. But I mean, with Omicron around, this could be a good... I think this should be Charles's latest brilliant merchandise ideas. Chaser virus-proofs or bull.

Yeah, and we could like start selling that we could get... It could be linked in with the Christmas Advent calendars where every single day of Christmas you open up a new Plexiglass door and who do you get to find inside? You realise that... Sorry, Longwood. You realise that Plexiglass is most commonly clear, right? Oh.

You can see through it. Okay, so it's not really surprised, but like, no. And also the whole point is to not have other people or things in your space. You're not supposed to open the flexiglass box. Oh, okay. See, that's where I was wrong because I thought it was like a nice little happy surprise. Like a McHapy meal. I reckon we go back to the Zorball idea and the Australian politicians idea.

We put them all in Zor balls. We stick them at the top of that really big hill. Yeah, at the Hall Memorial Memorial. And the last one to not fall down the hill. gets Prime Minister'ship. I was going to say you just push them all down. That's fun too, but I find it more fun that you let natural gravity delete the people we don't need.

And then we just, we elect our leader from that. It's fair, it's easy, no one gets harassed. All right, so the next federal election we've just determined to be settled by racing resort balls down the hill of Parliament House. Yep. It's the best thing I've heard about Australian democracy in a very long time.

It's a vote and a sport, all in one. In fact, are we sure that's not in the Jenkins review? Yep. Coming up on today's show, Zanda has been sent to South Africa to investigate the Omicron virus and have a little look at how deadly or safe it might be. I wonder if he's coming back. I mean, that's euphemism. I'm like, when we're saying there to catch it.

Let's be very clear. And Gabby, you went shopping on the weekend. You've got a story to tell. Yeah. Heard you made a few new friends. Yeah, me and a lot of people went shopping on the weekend. And none of the others had masks. No.

But first, Rebecca Deenamuno, in the Zorbaal, we call the Chaser Newsroom. Scott Morrison has again defended his government's blocking of a federal corruption watchdog. The shockwaves of the government's move to resist more accountability of itself are still being felt around the nation, with many citizens stunned that politicians would vote in favour of their own best interests. An entire teaching staff at a Catholic school have been sacked after not embracing the new laws from the religious discrimination bill. Staff were sacked for failing to meet the religious laws outlined in Leviticus 21

when they turned up to work in clothes made of two different fabrics. Scott Morrison has today assured Australians that he will take swift and decisive action to keep the Omicron variant from spreading by immediately shifting all responsibility to the state governments and then taking the credit if they succeed. That's the latest from the Chaser Newsroom. I'm so sorry, Beck, for taking you for granted than sending your lines in, like, it will not happen again.

Thank you for your patience. is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. As we said on yesterday's podcast, we don't really know what's happening with the

Omicron variant that's been identified in South Africa. So we've sent Zanda to the KwaZulu-Natal Research and Innovation Sequencing Platform, the place where the new variant was announced. And he's on the phone now. Hello, Zanda. Hello, Dom. Yes, I am here. And I'm about to change the world.

Really? I'm putting my life on the line. Again? Yes. We're constantly hearing in news outlets that there's just not enough data. You know, we don't know how this will affect vaccines. We don't know if this is more lethal because we just don't have enough data yet. We don't.

So I've decided to try and get infected with the Omicron variant. So I can be more data. Jump on the grenade. Good on you. I will be the data. You'll be the guinea pig? I'll be the data, yes. You know what they say?

You only ever need one person to get all of the data. Like, tests only need to get done once to be shown that they're doing everything. And how much do guinea pigs cost? Way more than a zander. Yeah, they're probably about 10 bucks a piece, I think. All right. So, Zander, let's see how this test will work. Have you been vaccinated?

Yes. With what? Fizzar. Fizzar. I love fizzers. The candy. Yeah, I just got some sherbet and just packed it up my nose. Lift up your thing, jabed it right in.

I'm not entirely sure that you have the scientific thoroughness. No, no, no, I think that's right. Because, no, I was injected with Astro World. Okay. Too soon. Okay, so you've been vaccinated. So if you can get this, that will prove that it's vaccine resistant. Yes.

So what's your plan on getting it? Are you just licking door knobs? Well, I've already knocked on the door and I've been like, hey, guys, I'm from Australia. Can I just have some cheeky COVID, right? That'll go well. Can you give me, you know, maybe like a jelly cup packed full? of Omnacron, you know, and I'll just spoon full it up. And I was thinking, what foods could Omnacron be nice in just to mix it into?

Because I don't want to be eating someone's chunky vomit or spit. So I was thinking maybe you mix it into an ice cream cup or jelly, and then it should go down. And then at least if I die, I know I've gone out with something that I enjoy eating. Omicron gelato. Omnicron gelato. It tastes sensation. Okay. So, have you got the gelato there?

Yeah, I do. I do. I've got some mango sorbet. Mango sorbet. They did that on Celebrity Master Chef. Well, so I'm just waiting here at the door now. I've been knocking for the last half hour, but unfortunately, these lab tests, it's like strict conditions and they're not allowed out without, like, decontaminating themselves.

The problem is when you decontaminate yourself, the COVID's gone. So I think I'm just going to have to ask people to randomly spit into my gelato and then hope that that's a good idea. Yeah, if you get enough spit in the gelato, you'll almost certainly get it from someone. Or some new disease, I'll find. Oh, yeah, you might make a new variant. Yeah. What Greek letter of the alphabet are you going to dib Zanda for when you get the Xander variant?

Oh, definitely Zander. Just the Xander variant. I've got to own it. You know, I'm putting my body on the line. They should at least give me naming right. You know, that's fair. Actually, I remember there was that big discussion earlier where it was like, do we want to name them after the countries? No, but they didn't say anything about naming them after patient zero.

No, and I'm going to be patient zero. Zad for Zander, Zed for zero. Exactly. Zed for zero scientific credibility. this process is going to have. All right, Zana, well, it's nice to me to put your life on the line. We don't know whether Omicron's very fatal, whatever it is. We will soon.

What are your last words? One small step for man and one giant leap for mankind. I would have gone for Zandkind. I would have gone for Man Go. I would have gone for something original. What do you mean? One small step for Zandkind. All right.

So in case at the lab, You know, they weren't letting me in, and they weren't giving me anything. So I just walked around the streets, and I got heaps and heaps of people to spit in the gelato. Oh, and I've given a bit of a mix, you know, like our Cold Rock, where they just, like, bang in all the fillings. Oh, yeah. I've seen them do that online. It's a mix-in, but it's people's spittal. It's dinner and a show.

Yeah, and then I chucked it in a freezer for about half an hour, and it's a nice consistency now, and so I'm going to have a bit of a snack. Okay. The interesting thing is when you're tasting people's saliva, you also taste everything there. have eaten in the last hour or two. Yeah. And there's like baked beans and... Yeah, there's a whole lot of shit that shouldn't be in gelato mixed in here. Okay, I'm taking notes for the scientists.

Omicron tastes like baked beans. Have you got any leftover? Yeah, I can package it up and send it to Sydney for you. Just chuck it in a tougher way for us. That'll be good. Yeah, I will. Oh, Zanda, by the way, if we forgot to mention, they've just closed the borders so you can't come home.

What? So you've got to stay there for at least a couple of weeks, all right? Well, I mean, if I'm going to do the scientific process, it's going to be thorough. Thank you, Zanda, for putting your body on the line. No worries. We do the best here at the Chase Report. You always seem like the best person to send. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.com. This summer, we're looking at the biggest bushfires in nearly a century. Blinky Bill, a koala, is trapped in the suburbs.

Hey Pat, what's that on the side of the road? I'm not sure. Just approach it slowly, honey. It might be in shock. A story of a bear pushed too far. Humans, they've taken everything from me. Why are you doing this? What would you do if I kept burning down your home? Everyone, everywhere is in danger.

Ma'am, have you seen this cute cuddly bear? No one who sees him comes out alive. Blinky Kill, First Blood. Okay, so, as you guys all know, because we're all going together, the podcast awards are this Thursday. It is very exciting. We're up for Best Comedy and Irrational Fear is going to win it. Nevertheless, we were there.

We were there. Yeah, I'm not going to win. I'm going to be drunk, but apart from that... I'm so keen to have podcast punch. Yeah, it's going to be so good. But I have never been to an awards night before. And whenever I perform comedy, like, you'd think, oh, she might buy a nice dresser for that.

You can't, because when you sit down to play keyboard in a dress, danger zone. You can show anybody anything. So this is like the first event in a really, really long time where I get to wear, like, a dress and feel very fancy. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah. Unless it's cancelled because of I'm a crime.

But for the time, being it's still on. But so, I don't actually have anything. So I went shopping on the weekend to try and find something. That's so nice. You got to go on shopping, have a beautiful day. Did you go to the city or something? Yeah. Well, yeah, sort of.

I got on the train and I noticed that, like, there was just like a large group of people gathering in my particular carriage. And I thought maybe there was a party on. Well, Black Friday sales. Yeah, I thought everybody was just doing the same thing as me. But then I looked a little bit closer and I saw there was a lot of cardboard involved, a lot of Sharpie marker and a fair few Australian flags. And my gut feeling went.

Oh, my goodness. They're dressing like Pauline at the podcast awards. No, because you see, we all got off at Town Hall because I was going to the one and only Pitt Street Mall. Oh, dear. And so were all these people. I think I saw these people on the news, Gabby. You might have.

What did their signs say? Oh, you know, just really normal, well-adjusted things like, take your mask off and smell the bullshit. And also... Unvacked sperm is the new Bitcoin? No. That is the best. I mean, arguably the best sign.

That sign is so good that practically made me in any vacancy. I just think it's very disappointing that Dan Illich didn't put unvaxed sperm as the new Bitcoin on one of his billboards. Now, that could have really changed the course of the pandemic. So you're just going into the town, having a nice day of shopping, the sort of thing that we ought to be able to do with our freedom. Yeah. And yet your freedom is being impeded by all these fucknuckles.

Yeah, I was accidentally caught in a massive, massive protest. And you know what was crazy? When I first saw it, I thought it was just. just like the sales for Black Friday going through the roof and everybody being out the door. And I was like, shit, I'm never going to find a dress in this fucking foot traffic. But that turns out they were just having a little marchy march. Did you end up like finding a dress? No.

No, I didn't because you know what? In addition to being fucked knuckles walking around in the thousands without masks on potentially spreading COVID, they also happened to all buy size 14 dresses in every store I went into. So I'm just like really, really fucked for Thursday. I might be turning up in jeans. Who knows? Hang on, are you saying you spent like a bit of time in a train cage with a bunch of non-mask-wearing vaccine skeptics?

All right, I'm pretty much leaving this podcast. Yeah, no, let's go. Aggies and red microphones are part of the ACAST, create a network. No, I'm fine. But I'm fine. Tested.