The Chaser Report - Give Royals The Flush | Grace Jarvis

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

Charles and Dom are joined by the marvellous Grace Jarvis who was nominated for Best Newcomer at this year's MICF. Grace, Dom, and Charles mentally unpack the Queen's jubilee this weekend, and question why we haven't given royals the flush yet. PLUS: We are doing a live recording of The Chaser Report for the next 4 weeks! Come along to see Dom, Charles, Craig and a special secret guest record live on Tuesday the 14th of June. Tickets at https://chaser.news/events/the-chaser-report-live/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Monday, the 6th of June. Charles Firth and Dom Knight here. And our guest today will be comedian Grace Jarvis. Before we get to Grace Charles, we have some momentous news, some huge news about the future of the podcast and some live events coming up. That's right. We are moving to an all live format. All live.

All the time from next week. It's a daily podcast. show every single night of the week. No. We're going to go and record the Chaser report live from the Harold Park Hotel in Sydney. Sydney's original home of comedy now turn into a much less humorous pub. Yes, that's right. That'll be in front of a live studio.

And so you can actually book tickets to that audience. The website address that I have been given to plug this is www. www.chaser.com.com.com.com.com.js. Events slash the dash chaser dash report dash live backslash. It just trips off the tongue, doesn't it? So what we might do is we might set up chaser.com.com.com slash podcast and we'll link it to that. You can just put Chaser Report live into Google and it will take you where you need to be. This is happening on Tuesday, though. The first one's happening on Tuesday. Yeah, next Tuesday and tickets to $10. Just $10. Yes. And you'll be able to see a whole week's worth of podcast in one pub session.

You will. And Craig Roocastle's going to join us, plus a secret to be announced guest. We're very excited about the secret guest. Yes. And not only that, but another momentous, huge announcement is that we're going to have a premium episode each week. We're going to expect you to pay for this content. You can pay and have no ads.

There's two tiers. There's a tier with no ads for seven bucks, or for nine bucks. And why wouldn't you pay the $2 more? You get the bonus episode each week. And the first in the series is a very exciting idea. It's called Drunk Q&A. That's right. So essentially at the live podcast record,

we'll record the week's episode to do a whole bunch of different segments. Then we'll all have a drink break. Yes. And then we'll do a live Q&A in the room when everyone's, you know, a bit relaxed and comfortable to you John Howard's phrase. And we'll record that bit and it will only be for paying subscribers who aren't defamation lawyers. That's right, exactly.

And that's nine bucks a month, isn't it? Nine bucks a month. It's huge value. It's peanuts. Yes. So this is the last week of the in-stio podcast records. And today we've got a very special guest. We've got Grace Jarvis.

She just recently did her show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and was nominated for Best Newcomer Award at the festival. She is joining us after the break. We're going to hear about the world's most accident-prone rabbit, basically. That's what her show's about. Plus, Dom, you've got some observations about the Jubilee. We thought we'd celebrate Her Majesty's 70th anniversary in the only way we know how. But first of all, let's go to an ad break.

Yes. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Our guest today is comedian Grace Jarvis, who won rave reviews for her show, digging a hole at the Melbourne Comedy Festival earlier in the year. She brings it back to the Comedy Republic in Melbourne on the 9th of, July. Make sure you don't go and miss that. It's about a rabbit that gets into a huge number of accidents. So she's the perfect person to talk about the Royal Family, I think, given that, Grace, welcome.

Oh, thank you. Hello. Thanks for having me. It's so lovely to have you here on a very special moment in the life of our country as we celebrate Her Majesty's Jubilee, the fact that she's managed to live so comfortably that she's made it to 96 years old and 70 years on the throne. Incredible stuff for us. An island in the moment. middle of the ocean. You sound very wellmed. I just think it's, it's, it's so wild.

Like, the Roe family is such a specific kind of human farce, where it's like, why is this still happening? Did you see the thing yesterday where, I think it was on ABC, they played footage of the Jubilee, and then they also played footage of Kim Jong-un's parade. Did they mean to make that analogy? Yeah, and no, and it was, it was really clear that they're. They're very similar in their thing. And there was this person interviewed saying, well, actually, well, it's a free society.

You don't have to celebrate the queen. But there are actually laws about not booing the queen and stuff like that. Yes, you can be ticketed. If you boo at the actual Jubilee celebrations, if you're out on the streets and you boo and the royal family is there, you can be ticketed. That's true. I'm setting that system up for my next comedy first. Hang on, see. How many tickets is Prince Harry got?

Going on Oprah and saying that they were horrible people. That's got to be worth a lot of tickets. It's a loophole. He didn't officially boo. I presume he was met at Heathrow by a slow sort of officer with a whole book of tickets for him. I wonder, maybe that's the way they raise enough money to be able to pave the royal family.

Oh? Is they ticket the people who are against... They ticket all the Republicans. Well, there was so much bunting. This is the thing I find strangers. is that the British, the way that they celebrate is merch. Like, did you see the number of Union Jack flags and whatever? And just every inch of the Royal Mall, I suppose they say,

we're just completely decked out in the Union Jacks. I mean, this is just so bizarre. I'm so glad Australia doesn't do that. But don't we? On Australia, oh, it's just people with flag capes. They had it on every surface. And then Woolworth's had like weird Australian-shaped ice cube trays. Yeah, I think you're wrong.

We're just lame at it. Oh, I see. Well, that is true. Yeah. But that's true of everything in Australia, isn't it? But, I mean, I like some of the things that they put on. Because what do you need, if someone's 96 years old, not really able to hear very well, and can only barely sort of just go to the balcony for a couple of minutes.

What's the one thing she's going to be able to hear? Jet planes. It's an Air Force flyover. And there's this amazing image of Prince Louis, like William's younger. son. Basically, the plans are going over the head. The queen sort of just staring off at the distance going, oh, oh, I hear a slight sound. And then you've just got Prince Louis with his hands over his ears, just screaming,

just going, ah! He's hating every second of it. My tiny ears. My tiny ears are expiting. But that's actually good because, you know, the one role of the royal family is to not listen to the commoners and the commoners concerns. and by damaging his hearing so early on, he wouldn't have to...

He'll be ready. Yeah. Yeah, it's his version of let them eat cake. Yeah, exactly. I'm not listening to you and I will continue not to listen to you my entire life. And this is the brilliantly awkward thing about having a party. They went very long on assuming the Queen would actually be able to attend.

And this is the bizarre... Like, all these events that they had for her were predicated on her actually attending and she couldn't. So did you see what they did instead? Oh, did they do a sort of weekend at Bernie? style. Yeah. Actually,

not a million miles removed because she's got this amazing golden, like, state coach. And what they did was they put a hologram of the queen waving inside it and drove it down the mall.

And lots of Brits just waved back at a hologram. At a hologram. Of the queen. If you're Prince Charles, aren't you thinking, hang on a sec? Yeah.

I don't want them to develop holograms of mummy because I'm never getting the job. She will never leave. It's such a dystopian response to an old woman being sick. It's like, oh, no, a 96-year-old can't walk a parade. Let's get technology involved. And the real problem for Prince Charles is you can't smash a hologram against a tunnel wall and get rid of it.

It's tunnel-proof. The hologram was very much tunnel-proof. That's absolutely true. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. But it was a weird mix of. of high tech and low tech, like a hologram of the queen in a hundreds of years old coach. And the same... Bunting.

Bunting is an old technology. Absolutely. But they also had drones, had like an army of drones. And rather than just sort of vaporizing commoners, which is what you might have thought that they'd do, they use them to just, you know how there's this new thing of having drones in the sky just making shapes and stuff? Yeah, yeah. And so they had like the drones making a union jack.

And then this is the most creative thing that you see. they can come up with, the drones made an image of a cup of tea being poured. Gosh, British culture, you know, they conquered the whole empire, the biggest empire in the world, but it's all about the tea. That's all that it is. That's all that they've managed to achieve. Well, also, they stole that too. Yes, that's true.

It's a colonial drink. It's literally a colonial stolen drink. Yes, indeed. But the entertainment was very strange. I don't know if you saw this, Grace, but of all the. the people they could think to perform, could they really not do better than Rod Stewart? It seems like Rod Stewart has some sort of blood packed with the Royals where it's like, why is he still their first call-up, you know?

He's not super relevant. I'm not clear that he wasn't a hologram too, to be clear. Is it that ironically, he's the only one who's not in prison for sex crimes by now? Like, Rolf Harris, Jimmy Saville. A lot of the people who have performed at the Queen's events over the years. Pretty much all the presents. Prince Andrew. I mean, give a bit of time. But yeah.

And not only that, but they got him to perform Sweet Caroline. This is the bizarre thing. They had a poll on the BBC of all the songs that you could play for the Queen Jubilee. And of all of the songs ever recorded, Sweet Caroline was their favorite. What is wrong with Britain? That is a great song, Dom. Yeah, I'm not going to hear a word against Sweet Caroline. Isn't that a famously American song?

Yes, famously American. Superbly about American. Well, they're pretending America was still part of the empire. Yeah, they'd love to do that. Well, actually, at the time the Queen took over, it probably was, wasn't it? Probably was. It's true, I wasn't going to. But then the other weird thing was, of all the performances to have at the front of Buckingham Palace, like literally in front of the gates of the palace, which they didn't open because they still had to stay closed at the commoners, right?

Let's be clear. Yeah, don't want anyone getting any of their jewels back. They had a performance from the musical Hamilton. which is about how fantastic it is to get rid of the royals right outside the front of Buckingham Palace Do you think maybe this whole Who looked at this? Yeah, it was organised by Republicans

who want to sort of overthrow the monarchy. I think the royals are just like so post-newance that nothing touches them anymore. They're like nothing means anything. were beyond the meaning of songs. Yes. And I was sad that they didn't have King George, the character for Hamilton, where the syphilitic mad king comes out and just sort of makes a fool of himself

and spits everywhere. But my theory, just watching this, is that based on who actually planned this and was it a Republican, I wonder whether it's actually the queen. Because she's had to do the job that she didn't choose, which is clearly, if you've ever watched the Crown, incredibly boring and frustrating and you feel isolated

and you've got a palace but you don't have any friends and you can't do what you want. She's just going, let's burn this thing to the ground. There were even like digital flames projected on the palace when Alicia Keys sang girl on fire.

Like I reckon she's just going, this is stupid, just get rid of it. She hates her son so much. She's like, let's dismantle the monarchy before she gets a shot at it. I'm going out with a bag. I mean, if it was Prince Andrew who was

in line, she'd probably give it to him. But Prince Charles, forget it. And I mean, the man got up and gave a speech thanking mummy. He's 71 years old and he's still got mummy. He's got the biggest case of mummy issues in the history of humanity. That is unnerving. I also was obsessed with the coverage of, is it Prince Louis, the little boy? Where it's like, oh, he didn't sit still for an entire day. His mom had to like tell him to sit in his chair. It's like, yeah, because he's four and you're playing Rod Stewart. I was a reasonable response. I would have had the same reaction at 45.

Was that the... If you get the wiggles or like something for him, you know, he might be more engaged. But he's not keen on Sweet Caroline and he's four. And I didn't see any snacks getting handed out. That's true. Where were the snacks? He needs a yogurt pouch or something. Oh, it's Britain.

They don't have good snacks. Was he the guy who... I saw a sort of clip of like some... little kid pushing Kate Middleton's face, like, away. Yeah, that's him. That's her son. That's him, right, yeah. And so.

He was like, hey, man, I've been sitting here for 12 hours. Yeah, fuck this shit. Where's bluey? Toy car to play with. But what's the law on that? Like, he's in a dungeon now, to be clear, he's been locked up. He's been severely punished. He's in his stops.

Yeah, like, child actors have, like, rules around how long you're allowed to make them work. That's true. And they definitely. definitely get snacks. They definitely get snacks. This kid is like, is supposed to survive on the music of Rod Stewart and the air of the monarchy. Yeah, but you know, it's the royal family.

So the whole thing is when you're not the one who's next in light of the throne. But he is the next. No, no, this is Louis. This is the third. So they've got, they've got, what's his name? George, Charlotte and then Louis. Oh, so he's the Prince Harry. He's the, no, he's the Prince Edward.

Oh, the youngest son. He's, you just, you just get in the cycle. psychological trauma early. That's what they do in that family. You know, for the moment, you're never going to be good enough. He's Princess Margaret. But did you reckon they explained, can you explain to a sort of three or four-year-old, oh, this is going out, billions of people are watching you right at the moment?

Like, does that even compute? It does. I've got a four-year-old, same age. Yeah. And my four-year-old constantly thinks she's performing to an audience of billions of people. And thank God she isn't. yeah that was his bit he was doing a little like slapstick routine he's like this is my time to shine i'm going to get a comedy writing gig after this i'm not getting near the throne

it was a tight five wasn't it because he did faces he even pulled these excellent faces he did this business where he put his thumb on his nose and wiggled his fingers like a like a petulant child from 1840 like i don't know how they're teaching them such old-fashioned disrespect where are they picking it up. And he did the thing where you stick your fingers in your mouth and make it wider and then stick your tongue out. I mean, that was, that was regal. That's classic. That's actually like an oil painting of a four-year-olds. That's some old-fashioned. Or Prince Andrew at Jeffrey Epstein's Island, I think also made that thing. Well, actually, I think that's why he was having a tantrum, which is he'd heard that the next event involved spending a whole lot of time

with Prince Andrew. He's like, hey man, this is not a safe working environment for me. Our gear is from road microphones and we are part of the ACAST Creator Network. And Grace is putting her show digging a hole back on on the 9th of July at Comedy Republic for their festival replay series. Make sure you go and catch that. Thanks for having me. Catch you later.