The Chaser Report - Gladwrap Foiled | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

After an eventful long weekend, Dom, Gabbi, and Charles catch up on all the latest news from the NRL Grand Final to Gladys’ resignation. Craig has a medical question about Covid testing, and Charles wonders if he has dementia. Plus Dom is unsure about sharing his name with a NSW’s potential new Premier. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by The Long Weekend.

One of the few times you can get plastered on a Sunday without guilt. The Long Weekend, sponsoring the Chaser Report. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 5th of October. My name is Dom Knight. Hello, Gabby Bolton, Charles Firth. Hello, hello, happy daylight savings if you're on this side of the country. That's the only thing that happened on the weekend, isn't it?

Daylight Savings. Oh, oh, and Penrith won the NRL grandfinal. Well done, Panthers. I think that's it. Yeah, that's everything. Pretty much. Absolutely nothing else happened. Well, I suppose there was also that whole, you know, Gladys Beridiccline resigning under a cloud of corruption allegations.

That's right. We haven't talked about that yet, have I? ICAC announced that it was going to investigate the Premier of New South Wales because of the potential conflict of interest with her ex-Darall McGuire. But just to explain to people who don't live in New South Wales, there is, like, on occasion, just very, very rarely. But on occasion, we have this thing called Premiers who aren't under a cloud of corruption. Yeah. The last one, yeah.

There was one back in the 1920s, I think. I was going to say, yeah. I was like, I hope you're not about to say like Mike Baird or something, because that would be incorrect. Mike Baird was somebody who said he wanted to spend more time with his family. Within six months, he then decided he wanted to have a high-paying job at a major bank. Yeah, he wanted to spend more time with the now. Yeah, without his family.

That's what Allbeks say to you, isn't it? We're family now. That's how they get you. Yeah, he was right the whole time. We just didn't see what he was actually saying. Yeah, so it's just another, it's like, isn't it like the 15th premiere in the last three years or something? Yeah, I think very much so. It's weird because Gladys looked like she was going to be a total clean skin, but it's turned

out I'm going to option the movie rights to this story because what happens is she gets this secret boyfriend, no one knows about it. he tells her about all his deals because he wants to impress her and she's like oh I don't need to know about that at the time being the treasurer of New South Wales and in charge of the fund that she was applying to but then it's got a happy ending because her current boyfriend is the lawyer

who she met during the last round of ICAC hearings it would be an incredible telemovie wouldn't it except that then there's a bad ending because then she has to leave her job because of the ex So this story has everything. Although I will say, no, as a woman, I will say I feel like people are reducing what this story actually is to her, oh, it was a bad boyfriend. It was the boyfriend. She didn't know how to have a boyfriend.

She did. Okay. Like, it's nothing to do with the fact at this point that she had a terrible boyfriend. I think the problem was that she decided her best defense once the boyfriend was found out was to basically say, oh, I don't really care about him that much. that wasn't really, I didn't really know anything he was doing. So she's been investigated for dropping him, like a stone. If there's not an ICAC for that sort of behaviour, there should be. But that's what we should have.

We should have an ICAC for bad, you know, bad love decisions. Now, hang on. I wanted to offend Gladys on this because she had a boyfriend who was a dodgy businessman who was always doing these speculative schemes and talking about them. And having known Charles for a long time, when you know people who set up all kinds of weird dodgy money-making activity, You do just change the subject and say, that's nice, great, that's definitely going to happen. Yeah, because if you're going to convict Gladys, you might as well convict my wife.

And all your friends. Oh, and us, apparently. And all the podcast listeners. That's right. Yeah, so. But then, not only did that happen, but John Barilaros, the deputy premier in New South Wales, the National Party leader, has also quit. This is a huge victory, Dom, for koalas across New South Wales. because this is honestly true.

For people outside New South Wales, you'll probably think that I'm just lying. But this is honestly true. At the beginning of the year, the National Party in New South Wales genuinely threatened to quit the coalition and split the government and basically, you know, destroy the government

over the right to drive koalas to extinction. And they weren't on the side of koalas. What a hell to die on. Oh, let's save the koalas. They wanted to drive the koalas to extinction. The Gladys Periglian side went, no, no, no, we should try and save them. Bering in mind that we barbecued millions of them during the bushfires, by the way. Unintentionally.

But then the greatest thing was that the way they solved that problem was they went, okay, you can drive them to extinction. But that was the deal that was done. Who among us has not wanted to scourge a koala though? I know. Who among us has not wanted to drive certain groups of animal into extinction? I, for one, wouldn't mind driving the entire LNP and Nationals Coalition. into extinction. You didn't hear that if you were a lawyer.

If you were a lawyer and you heard that, wow, I love Jesus and killing koalas. I love it. But Gabby, in fairness, I'm sure the Labour Party is still doing those scrups about whether they're pro or anti-coala. And this is the thing, you've got to remember that all this stuff

with Gladys happened, after Labor's Eddie Abed, the man who did nothing for decades except dodgy deals while an MP. But look, I think what we need to, a new broom in South Wales, we need to change everything. I'm going to set up the Independent Commission

for corruption that will investigate all MPs who are not corrupt. Not corrupt, ask the tough questions and try and make them do dodgy deals. It won't have any work. That wouldn't take very long at all. On today's show, we'll meet a man who's in his late 30s, has six children and reckons he has time to be the new Premier of New South Wales. Plus, Craig is coming in to talk about COVID test swabs. Oh, that won't be icky.

Yum. And Charles is talking about dementia, which I assume refers to his own. Oh, I've forgotten about that. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Munoz in the Chaser Newsroom, straight after this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.com. Outgoing Premier of New South Wales, Gladys Berejiklian, has said she resigned from her job in order to spend more time with her paper shredder. The former woman who saved Australia denied her sudden exit had anything to do with a corruption allegation against her. There is mass confusion in the Federal Liberal Party today as government front benches grapple

with the idea that a politician would resign over a corruption allegation. The Prime Minister called an emergency inquiry to find out why the New South Wales Premier resigned after she'd been accused of corruption rather than promoted. Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has vowed to phase out emergency COVID payments, saying that the government, which spent $9 million on the COVID-safe app, simply can't afford to waste money. Meanwhile, the government has said it will spend another $9 million developing a new app to help it track and trace the whereabouts of the COVID-Safe. It's Safe app.

That's the latest Chaser News. I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno. To stay in touch with the latest news you can't trust, remember to hit the follow button to the Chaser report in your podcast app. Hi Craig, how are you going? Yeah, good, guys. How are you? Barely coping, thank you. It's good, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, champing to get back into society. It's interesting because I do actually have a COVID-related question for you guys. Now, some might say that you guys are not. exactly the people to go to for code information but norman fucking swan has blocked my number because i just keep calling him at all hours and night you know when you have a thought about i don't know what the covid numbers are in tasmania now you just call norman he's just gets the shits with it yeah well his middle name is fucking he'd be pretty pissed about a lot of things yeah yeah yeah i wasn't insulting him uh is his actual name um but so the thing i want to ask you because today i got

I had to get a COVID test because I've got to see a doctor in a couple of days. So to go in to see a doctor, you have to actually get a COVID test, right? Yeah, yeah. I have, despite, I reckon it's my 10th, 12th COVID test during this period, I still cannot fucking handle it. He's the worst thing. Like, it still feels like you're just being screwed in the face. But do you not do the thing that Norman Swan told us all to do,

which is you've got to breathe. out through your nose as they're going up your nose. Why didn't anyone tell me that? What did you say that make? It makes a huge difference. Yeah. Or you could try my non-scientific advice

of just stop being such a fucking pussy. It's fine. Oh, that's interesting. I actually know, you know what? I have a hot take about the COVID tests because I didn't actually have to really get one at all last year because I lived in Bathurst and we only ever had one COVID case through the entirety of 2020.

So it can't be all the time. snore your face off. Yeah, I mean, sepsis, that's different. But I mean, you know, so the COVID test, I had to get a COVID test my first COVID test this year

and you hear all these people talk about how awful it is. I tell you what, I don't think I've ever felt that unblocked in my life. They had to do the double, the double stab. I loved it. I would do that daily if it meant that I felt the way.

I felt like I could smell color after that. And I was also code three, which is great. Yeah, that's called brain damage, Gabby. But I loved it. I don't know. why everyone's getting all up and arms about how terrible to test something. No, I hated. Like, she

shoved it so far back into everything and I gagged. I hated it. Maybe it's something you said. But this is the actual question, apart from the very good advice about, well, first I think Gabby's advice about just hard on the fuck up, whatever, we'll get over your pussies better than Charles's advice supposedly

from Norman Swan, which is if you, if you breathe out, apparently some implement scraping the fuck out of your nose doesn't hurt. It totally works because you're sort of you're concentrating on breathing out through your nose and you're not concentrating under being jammed into your nose. It totally works.

I promise you. Yeah, okay. Good. Well, you guys are all men. So I feel like if you really hate the test that bad, you can probably ask for some local anesthetic and they'll give it to you. No questions asked. Yeah, yeah.

The way that you do it is that you build up sensitivity. So at the start of the pandemic, I just kind of got toothpicks and was gradually putting them up there, work my up to a plastic straw, then a finger. Now I can get a whole carrot up my nostril. It's incredibly liberating. I never felt so free. So, Craig, what, what's your actual question? So the problem is that, because I saw, just after going through this horrific experience, again,

I saw that they're going to be actually allowing, like, the TGA is about to clarify and say which self-testing rapid antigen things can actually be used. Now, I know nothing about these, but my question is, does that mean I have to stick something up my nose and down my throat myself? because there's no fucking way that I can do that to myself. There's no way. I cannot put in eye drops. I can't do that.

Like if it's the same thing, but I have to do it myself, there's no chance. I'm going to have to just hold it at the end of my nose and just whistle till the COVID comes out to it or something. Just get your wife to do it? Yeah. Oh, but hang on a second.

I trust all of my family way less than I trust a random person in a car park that just did it to me. There's no fucking way. That's the other extent. I must say, of all the things, having known you a long time, Craig and suffered many insults at your hands.

There's nothing I'd like to do more than shove something a long way up your nostril. I think that would be so therapeutic. But I don't think they go up as far is the actual answer. And haven't you noticed they've stopped doing it as far? Well, then, how come they, how come they didn't do that with the other one? Those at home tests are all rubbish. They don't work.

They don't work as well. Thank you. So this is why I come to you because for some reason the government's gone to the Therapeutic Goods Administration to figure this out. They could have come to Charles. They would immediately tell them. With no scientific knowledge, it's just theater. The other option you could do, Craig, is do what my daughter does,

who's three, is she doesn't have to get it up the nose. She just has it in the mouth. So you could just convince them that you have the... The mouse sucks as well. You have the mental age of a three-year-old, and then you have to get the nose one. Okay, well, I did plan ahead for that. Okay, well, if I have to do it to myself, it's not going to be good. And I don't trust anyone else, Dom, you particularly, to do it.

Are you, could you shove it in your ear and sort of get the same point, but a different angle? There's an easier option, trade, that I can't believe you haven't thought of. All you need to do is get COVID, get it so bad that you have to go into a coma for three months. And when I'm trying to come out of it, there won't be any more tests. It'll be finished. But you know what they actually should develop. They should develop a suppository because then I know that Tony Abbott, at least, would be very happy to take that kind of stuff. You know what?

You can actually do COVID swabs anally. So that's the other option I was going to get to. Yeah, you can. They do them in China. In China, they do anal. What, drive-through? That seems like an invasolabular. No, that's the hard part, is getting your ass through the window.

It's tough. I've had plenty of experiences to make a size through his training by 20. It's just a pressed ham test. Yeah, well, it's, is it better or worse? I don't know, maybe I'll try with my self-antigantig. I think the moral of the story is there's always a worse way. Today's Chaser Report episode is brought to you by The Long Weekend. Sure, Australians detest the monarchy, but not as much as we detest working on a Monday.

The Long Weekend. Proud sponsors of the Chaser Report Dear listener, please forgive us for a moment while we talk more about the inherently boring subject in New South Wales politics because I have a problem, Charles and Gabby, which is that the man who seems most likely to be the new Premier of New South Wales,

it's a guy called Dominic Perritae, he's the treasurer of New South Wales and he's about to ruin my name for me. He's about to ruin your name? Like he's currently the second most powerful politician in New South Wales, so no one's ever heard of him. Right. But when he becomes a Premier,

and people will actually know that. And his name is Don. I'm worried that when people think of see me or see my name written, they'll think of him. Yes. And it's all going to be. So, Charles, how do you cope with having the same name as Prince Charles, which must be hugely embarrassing?

Oh, no, I roll with it. I support, like, you know, anyone with that level of, you know, suavness and sophistication as Prince Charles, you know, is good in my books. Like, you heard all these dirty messages to Camilla. a pack of balls about comparing himself to tampon. I mean, it's sort of, that's defined my life that level of... Gabby's looking shocked because she hasn't heard of some before. Yeah, you're a bit young for that. The other thing is he has six children. He's like in his late 30s. He's got six kids. Yes. How the hell can he be premier? Yeah, I know. Who's going to look after the kids?

Boris Johnson has like 50 kids, doesn't he? And he's the Prime Minister of England. I feel... I feel like if I had six kids, I would definitely be trying to go increase my career in order to stay away from the house. Charles, if you had six kids, I'd be calling a welfare check on your house. Yeah, true. But surely the woman who wrangles the six kids is the one who should run the state. Like, in all honesty, that level of multitasking skills, Mrs. Peritay is the woman that we need. I think, you know, because Dominic Peritay's whole policy is let it rip, right?

Like, he's been, he's been hugely against the lockdown. He just thinks that he literally said, like, you know, we should just let it get out of control because actually, you know, controlling COVID is worse than the thing. Kewa. So, point is, maybe that was him wanting to sort of reduce the number of kids he had. I don't know. I actually think it's, like, he's a God guy, isn't he?

He's a, he's a far right. conservative Catholic, yeah. Yeah, no, so the only reason he's having it rip is, like, he clearly hasn't learned anything from the whole 40 days, 40-nights situation. And he's fine with a plague. Also, Jesus healed everyone. So I think he's just waiting for Jesus to just pop on down here. Yeah.

But, Dom, I think short term, you're going to find yourself in the position of having a very popular name. No, really? Because I swear the first thing he'll do, like tomorrow, probably, he'll announce that COVID can let it rib. And COVID, you know, Don Perratae is going to be extremely popular amongst the COVID virus. And they're going to love. He'll go viral. Yeah, he'll go viral.

Yeah. Totally. So, but, you know, like it means that everyone in Sydney will be able to go out. They'll be able to go to pubs two weeks early. They'll be able to cough and lick on people two weeks early. And that, that's going to mean you're popular. Yeah. I do worry that because we've been cooped up in our houses so long

that for so many people, politics will just be thrown aside with the idea of being able to get absolutely. We're going to go nuts. This thing's going to be at hundreds of thousands of cases within weeks. Don't all love it. So look, as we record this, it's not entirely clear. There's another guy called Rob Stokes, who still hasn't given up on his campaign,

but it seems that he used to go to school with Chris Taylor. And apparently they were kicked off a debating team together at the instigation of former Senator Graham Richardson of Sky News. So that's a story Taylor's promised to tell on the podcast. Really? What is private school like? I feel like the three of you always have these tales of now very successful white men who've gone on to have lots of money and you're like,

oh yeah, I ate like a sausage roll with them. Do you know like the most famous thing that happened at my school? Was it a teacher once got punched? Like, that's it. That's much better than going to school with the candidate. for Premier. Who's going to lose, by the way, it seems. Do you guys have to sign NDAs when you graduate?

That's the great thing is no. No. And some of us make documentaries about ourselves when we're young. It's just it becomes a club. You just don't mention it. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore.

Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions of place. The Chaser Report is sponsored by the Tuesday after the long weekend. The universe is cruel and your time is finite. Get back to work, you lazy shit. I've had to make an extremely difficult decision overnight, but one which I feel obliged to do

because of the love and respect I have for the people of New South Wales and the high regard which I have for the Office of Premier. Therefore, it pains me to announce that I have no option but to resign from the office of Premier. When ex-politicians face the ICAC, their nightmares become real. 51-year-old Gladys Berichiklian has recently had to step down from being the Premier of New South Wales due to her alleged role in corrupt conduct. Now, 51-year-old Gladys has to sleep in her Northbridge home,

and if no one helps her, she'll never get a mansion in Point Piper. She's so sick from drinking town water directly from the tap after her Britta filter ran out, she's scared for what will come next. However, you can make a difference. You'll love getting to know the ex-Polly's you sponsor, watching them grow in the private sector and making returns that just weren't possible as a public servant. Help end unemployment for the victims of the ICAC.

Sponsor an ex-Poly at the Institute of People who vigorously deny all allegations of corruption today. Because they matter. A little bit more than us. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Before we go, I want to just talk briefly about a conversation I had with my son this morning. Okay. So, I mean, I'm in the problem my life.

I've just turned 46. 69. I think basically, I'm a bit of a bright spark still, aren't I, Gary? Like, I'm sort of, I'm with it. If you're talking about, like, the Edison bulb, you know, the slightly dimming, you can see the little. No, I think I'm a, in terms of brain, I'm at peak performance. I've learned everything. I've become wise.

Okay. I'm just thinking back over all the past Charleses that I've known in 30 years. And yeah, you're probably, you're certainly less inhabited by alcohol than you've been for a while. So you probably is one of the better versions of yourself. Go on. So Hartley said to me this morning, this is my 13-year-old. He said, Dad, I really don't want you to get dementia when you get old. So I really think that you should keep doing the practices that I told you about a couple of days ago.

And I have no recollection of those. exercises, right? And I think he's joking, though. I think, oh, like, this is a funny joke, right? So I say to him, oh, yeah, and I want you to work on the dementia exercises I told you about. And he went, ha, ha, dad, I get it. You know, you're doing a dementia joke.

But no, seriously, I really want you to work on these dementia exercises. And he's serious. Like, he's actually sort of a bit sad. And then I said, so what was the exercises? And he's going, come on, dad. You know the exercise. And he's like, no, can you just remind me? I really.

And then he tells me. like, yes, he did, like two days ago. We had this whole conversation about the dementia exercises. I don't think you have dementia. I think it's just one of those things when your day is so jam-packed, full of thoughts about literally anything else. You tend to kick out the stuff that's important. That happens to me all the time.

I think it goes further than that, Gabby. I think it's just that it's perfectly fine, Charles. You just weren't listening to your kids. Yeah. Like, if we listen to everything that our kids said, we'd go crazy. As the youngest child, I can understand being sad about your parent potentially getting old, and then you're all going to have to take care of them in their old age and then inevitably their death.

I mean, for instance, my brother is the executor of my dad's will and I'm the button presser, as in turn off the life support, Gabby. That's the job I've left for you. Oh, wow. Traditionally, it would go to a member of the family, but I would so love to turn off your power supply. Can I volunteer for that? Yeah, I'm rewriting my will at the moment, so I'll pop that in there.

Do you reckon they'll ever make a mod that means, like, when you turn off certain life support machines, you can play a song of choice that you could pre-chuse. I feel like if you switched mine off one day, I'd love for it to just suddenly start beaming out like the happiest song in the world. Oh yeah.

And like streamers drop from the ceiling and there's balloons and it's like... Mine would be, wake me up before you go-go. Everybody sobbing. I'm here by solemnly promised Charles. That's exactly what to get it happened. Thanks for listening. If you'd be so kind,

please leave us for review on Apple Podcasts. Five stars is the maximum. And, you know, get on it. We read them out every Friday. Akeyes from Road Microphones with part of the ACAST Creative Network. Catch you tomorrow. See ya.