The Chaser Report - Go Fund Yourself

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

Peter Dutton wants to raise money for flood-relief from the people's pockets rather than government allocated money, so we tell him to go fund himself. Meanwhile Charles has his first toilet-paper conundrum of 2022. Plus Gabbi has left a few messages for the team while she's away in Adelaide. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday the 2nd of March. I'm Charles Firth. Here are Lachlan Hodson. Hello there. Alex Ovalovich. Hi. And Dom Knight.

Hello. And we're missing Gabby this week. We are. Lachlan, she's in Adelaide. Yes. Have you heard from her? Yeah, well, I mean, because we're actually friends with Gabby as opposed to the weird toxic boss employee relationship you guys seem to have she's just started doing her

show i hope my keyboard doesn't break at the adelaide fringe she did her first shows over the weekend she's doing more throughout this week and it seems to be going really well for her oh fantastic we really have to start podcast with a plug for gabby though like this is a little bit tacky i know we miss her but come on what was the name of her show again her show was i hope my keyboard doesn't break tickets are i don't know the price of the tickets because we get free ones um but She's also been up to other things, so she's working with other comedians. She's trying to increase her network. But I think fame might be getting to her head.

Oh. Yeah. I've been getting a whole bunch of really weird messages from her. And she sent me one just a day or so ago that I don't even think was meant for me, but was meant for you, Charles. Oh, really? Yeah, it might be important for the future of the company. So let's take a listen. Hey Charles

So, so sorry I don't think I can come back Yeah, can you get off, sorry Just stop touching me It's not very clever safe There's a mob here at the airport I think I'm really famous I don't know, whoa, fucking stop touching me

I think I'm really, really famous There is like a huge mob at the Adelaide airport I don't even know I'm going to get to my fucking show So I guess I guess this is my two weeks notice I'm just really... I don't really know what it was about Adelaide

that made them go, oh, I'm going to go mob Gabby Bolt at the airport. What? What? Wait, sorry? No, I'm not... Sorry, Charles, I'm not... Kate Winslet.

No. No? Wait, so you're all mobbing me because you thought I was Kate Winslet. What? No, oh no, don't leave. That was a really good reason to quit my job. So I'm not famous.

I'm not like immediately super famous This is devastating Charles I'm still on voicemail Charles I guess I'll Just disregard this message I'll be back at work

Next week I guess Shit I'm not famous I'm not famous I really thought I was fucking famous Well you heard it here first Gabby Bolt is leaving the chaser

She will not be back There's no takesies backs He's on that But poor Gabby she clearly hasn't been to Adelaide before because she doesn't know that whenever anyone who is from out of South Australia actually enters the state, that's the standard response. There's just any new person entering.

It is true. I remember the first time I went to Adelaide. Dom, you might have even been there. Like, we had literally, like, all the state senators, like the federal senators, turned up in the pub. Like, after we were doing some event, and then they just happened to be in. in the pub and

well there's the one pub Natasha Stott de Spoil remember she was the leader of yeah yeah yeah yeah there was only one pub in Adelaide though isn't it so that's why they were there and then remember the Premier turned up and then the governor the governor of South Australia

it's like that happens every time you go to Adelaide you just sort of last time I went to Adelaide like I just got invited to the Premier's house that's so awkward that the Premier of Adelaide thought that you were Kate Winslet coming up on the show we're going to have

have a look at Peter Dutton's, very unique solution to the Queensland floods. Shoot them. Plus, we've got a bit of a, well, problem with the toilet paper. In the office? No, like in the shop, the Chaser shop. Oh, okay. Got a bit of an update on it. That's all right.

No one's going to buy that anyway. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Danumino in the Chaser Newsroom. Stick around for the one segment that's not us trying to sell you things. Prime Minister Scott Morrison has made a powerful statement today informing Ukrainian citizens that Australia's borders are always open to any refugee who needs to flee their home country as long as they're white. Morrison assured that Australia has plenty of land to share comfortably with fleeing migrants, whether they choose to stay in the under-construction quarantine hotels or offshore detention centres.

Leaders of Pacific Island nations have asked Peter Dutton, why he doesn't seem to find it funny that his electorate is currently underwater, considering how funny he thought their countries being underwater was. Dutton has responded to the foreign diplomats explaining that he has simply been too busy to joke about these floods, as he has a lot of work to do trying to scam people wanting to help the flood victims with his GoFundMe campaign. A local woman has told journalists that she desperately misses living in precedented time. This comes after three years of news reports regarding truly unprecedented once-in-a-lifetime events happening weekly,

with researchers suggesting that the amount of times journalists have said something was unprecedented have reached unprecedented highs. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and if I have to say unprecedented one more time, I'm going to go on strike, which is unprecedented for the Chaser News desk. No, shit, I said it again. Oh, God damn it! It's been pretty rainy in Brisbane, hasn't it?

Our friend Andy Neal, who directed several chaser shows and worked with us a lot. His street turned into a river. Did you see, Charles? He's basically now living with a water view just out the front of his store. That is the dream when you live in Sydney to have water views. Clearly we need a river and a dam. We need to put a dam on the Parramatta River so we can just flood the entirety of Sydney the way they're in Brisbane.

John Delmenico is here. You've got some updates about the floods. Luckily, the government, like they always do, have responded efficiently and directly to a climate crisis. Wow. On Sunday night, Scott Morrison headed over to Queensland. And obviously the government size $4.2 billion left over from its emergency fund based on the last couple of emergencies where they didn't quite spend any of the money. Yes, yes. They didn't spend any of the money, did they?

One of the bushfires, yeah. I think it's happened more than once they haven't spent the money. But this is also, we also do need to offset the amount of money they have spent on emergency funds for other. Emergency car parks, that sort of thing. Well, I mean, Queensland is a must win. I mean, they did very well in Queensland last election. They want to keep all those seats. So I assume that the financial floodgates will open as well, John, and that everyone in Queensland will get at least a million dollars.

Yeah, well, not quite, because they're not quite going with the $4.2 billion fund. instead, Peter Dutton has gone to the American website GoFundMe to launch a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for the floods. Hang on, is this a chase of parody of, like, do we set that up or did the actual Peter Dutton actually set up a GoFundMe? No, there's an actual Peter Dutton, GoFundMe, so if you donate money, you'll go to Peter Dutton to then redistribute to give to other people.

He does know that he's in the government. He does know that he's got, like, the government, resources of the government to hand out. Yeah, he sort of basically reverse-engineered taxing and then added in giving an American company money a profit and also in the meantime. Well, that's consistent, though. He did this for the submarines and the tanks as well, right? Yeah.

Well, this is just the best way to do it. You need to crowd fund this. I'm assuming next to start crowdfunding our torture of refugees. Well, that is actually something Australians would pay for. Let's not get a hit of ourselves here. It doesn't not spend the last month saying that Labor are colluding with the Chinese. And he's clearly colluding with the Americans. Yeah, even people who have worked at GoFundMe have criticized this GoFundMe campaign.

Being like, this is just stupid. Like, the whole point of GoFundMe is to pay for government failures. Now the government's going, well. Well, yeah, because in America, the reason you have GoFundMe is because there's no such thing as universal health care. And that's the only way you can pay to get your broken leg fixed. I'm just taking a look here, John. The Pine Rivers Community Flood Relief. So that's for his electorate, I think, for his particular area.

Yeah. The target is $25,000. What are you going to do to fix flood relief in his electorate for $25,000? You get like one dinghy. No, it'll be for the carpet in his electorate office. That's what it'll be for. I guarantee you. Well, if you look at the list, there's a long list of things that he ran.

reckons he can buy, like pay for volunteers to come to the electorate, to pay for food and shelter, pay for repairs. He clearly understands how much $25,000 can get you. Also, we mock, but at the time we're recording, he's fallen short, but only by a couple grand of the $25,000. Oh, so people are donating? Well, wait, so are we calling out to Chase listeners to help donate? Well, there have been donations. There hasn't been many. There's been 2.5 grand from someone called Peter Dutton. And there's been $15,000 from someone called Robert White. $15,000.

So one person's done the vast... Why didn't he just ask Robert for some money? So Robert White... He does like whites, to be fair. Yeah, so Peter Dutton is mobilising the resources of people who probably minimize their tax. So in some ways, it's sort of... Yeah, this isn't this what we're always arguing about is like tax the rich more? And it's like Peter Dutton's just gone, I can't trust the government to do this.

I'm going to, I'm pro Peter Dutton. He's sort of socialist, really. And I'm looking down here, he's put in two and a half grand to kick this thing off. But he also owns about 30 investment properties. That entire town is just his investment properties. Yeah, that's of course why he was to. Oh, he's fixing up his own properties. Well, you guys seem very negative on this campaign, but Scott Morrison,

He has given a statement about this exact campaign, and it seems like you guys just came the wrong idea of who's supposed to be dealing with this. Isn't disaster recovery a job for the government to pay for? Why is he sending out the goal funding? Well, communities and the government respond to events such as this. There's no purpose for an MP to crowd fund disaster recovery when the government has so many different disaster response funds ready to go.

Well, I am a local member of parliament. And as a local member of parliament, you always look to try and harness community support for responding to major disasters. That's what our job is. So the job is to get the community to do your work for you. Yeah, well, I mean, that did happen in the bushfires because all those RFS volunteers held hoses. Yeah, he went to Hawaii for Scott Morrison. And he got the community together to do his work for him. And Peter Dutton is just doing the same thing.

Yeah. It's just more of a sort of direct route by also giving money. I don't see why people are complaining now. You've got to have a go-fund-me to get a go-fund-me. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. So guys, before we go, just a bit of a disaster update.

Not about the floods. In the train? No, about our merchandising shop. Chaser's shop.com. Head there for some great deals. Tom, you were so right. We're just plugging everything in this episode from Gabby to Peter Dutton and now Charles. Yeah, it's another go-fund me, except that the proceeds just to go to prop up Charles's failing in point.

No, no. So the thing is, I don't know whether you remember, but last year we had a bit of a disaster because I decided to get toilet paper printed. Do you remember about a year ago? I got a whole lot of toilet paper printed. We talked about it almost daily. And it turns out that. there's a war between China and Australia, trade war,

which means that they have enormous tariffs on things like toilet paper between the two nations. And the other thing is that actually importing toilet paper is a really stupid idea because it's really bulky. And so you can only ship it over it. You can't air freight over toilet paper. It makes no economic sense. It's just a toilet paper that was $17 a roll? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we sold it for, yeah, something like that. Anyway, point is We got a new batch in Because actually what happened And this is not my fault, right? This particular stuff up Which is Cam Notice that the toilet paper actually

The one, especially the one with Scott Morrison's face on it Sold really well Like he found the last 100 rolls And put them on sale at the end of the last year And they just sold like that, right? Yeah So

What's a good product? So he went Okay, I'll buy some more I'll look after the printing It's all right Charles You know it'll all work out So he he did that And I just warned it

The only thing I warned him was Don't print too much Because it was a complete disaster Last time we lost money on it Like just sort of like Don't be so enthusiastic about it So obviously He only printed like a thousand

Roles of each type of thing We got one with Scott Morrison's face On it one with Rupert Murdox face on it. And we've imported it. It took months to do. We had to pay $700 this time in tariffs, which means I think the tariffs have gone up.

Anyway, finally get here. It arrives in the warehouse on Thursday. It is now Monday, and it is basically all sold out. So the point is we should have ordered far more. Oh, oh. Great. And it was my advice. It was like me saying, ah, just.

Never trust me for anything. Well, yeah, I was going to say this is hell frozen over. This is the first time that Charles has told someone not to be wildly enthusiastic for something. What's weird is also because I help out with the marketing staff. And I went, I knew that Charles wanted to talk about a toilet paper failure. And I thought there's going to be a different issue with this toilet paper run that Charles is going to bring forward.

Oh, what's the other problem with it? So the other problem was that when we listed the upcoming spin tour and the high end tickets you can buy, It specifically says you can get Scott Morrison toilet paper if you buy the high-end ticket. But all the toilet paper is coming in packs a two with a Rupert Murdoch one. And also, Charles didn't tell us that this was going to be a promotion. That is another reason why... It's not my fault. Literally, literally, I basically need all the toilet papers that they order for our tour, right?

Which is a bit of a disaster. But can I say, we came up with the perfect solution. So we promised everyone. We've promised everyone that the toilet paper will have the leader of Australia on it. And then so when they see, some of them will have Rubber Murdoch's face, and some of them will have Scott Morris. And when they see Scott Morrison's, we'll go, oh, sorry, there must have been a mix-up, because we promised you the leader of Australia.

And some of them got Scott Morrison's face on it. Nice. What are you going to do if Albo wins the election? What? What are you going to do if Albo wins the election? You have to sort of go around to all the electorate, all the polling booths and just collect all the core flutes and turn this on the toilet paper. I mean, Aline, if Albaugh wins,

then Rupert Murdoch will still be the leader of Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mean there's any from the door. No, no, I think there's a few more. I think some of the Rupert ones are still available. If you go to the website, chasershop.com. But also, I happen to also plug our upcoming show that's going all around Australia except for Perth,

called Spin. So if you go to chaser.com.com. are you slash live, you can buy tickets to spin. And when he says our, he means his and other people. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Our show. How many people at this desk are in that show? It's me, James Schleffel and Mark Humphreys. But the jokes are written by everyone. There you go. Our gears from road microphones. We're part of the ACAS created network.

Catch you tomorrow. And look out for my forthcoming toilet paper with Charles Firth's face on it.