The Chaser Report - #GreatJobWellDoneFantasticWorkFirth

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

Charles Firth has bravely gotten himself banned from Twitter for the harmless crime of impersonating a political figure, so listen as he and Dom plan how he can get his account back by starting the campaign #GreatJobWellDoneFantasticWorkFirth on Twitter! Plus, Dom reacts to everybody's favourite British icon, Paddington Bear, meeting The Queen.We are doing a live recording of The Chaser Report for the next 4 weeks! Come along to see Dom, Charles, Craig and a special secret guest record live on Tuesday the 14th of June. Tickets at https://chaser.news/events/the-chaser-report-live/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Tuesday the 7th of June, 22, Dom Knight and Charles Firth with you. And Charles, so much big news from The Chaser Report. This is our last week of doing the show in studio. From next week, it moves to the pub to the Harrell Park Hotel on Tuesday night. We're doing at least four weeks of shows Tuesday nights at the Harrell Park Hotel in Glebe, Sydney. And I am, I'm wistful, Dom.

I'm wistful. We've done this show in the studio here for a year. We've been through so much together. We went through that long lockdown where we all had to be at home. Yeah. We had COVID. We had COVID. We all got COVID. They all got COVID. There were interns. Now that's all gone. We're going to be in front of a live audience. We're going to be having to get drunk. With beer with beer on tap in the room. There are actually beer taps a few metres from when we're doing the show. Yeah. And people can buy tickets to this event for just $10. if they go to tracer.com.com. And in fact, that's a much better way to do the podcast. In fact, we've fucked it by doing it in the studio for the past year. I guess legally we had to at one point. Yes. What we've done is we've now created a format that if a pandemic ever happens again, we will be ruined.

Yes, that's right. Yes. So we've got to enjoy it while at last, until the next pandemic, it enables us to combine several things that we enjoy. Yeah. During the podcast, catching up with old friends. Yes. And drinking all in the one space.

And making. people pay $10 to come and watch us do all that. Yes, come and pay $10 to watch something that goes out for free. Have we thought this through, Charles? No, well, this is the other part of the whole cunning plan, which is we've now introduced a Chaser Plus premium podcast, which is from next week. Every Friday, there will be a subscriber-only episode,

which will cost $9 a month to subscribe to. And the first series of this special Chase Report podcast is called Drunk Q&A. That's right. And the idea is that we will do the whole Joe's and then we'll have a big drinks break. And everyone will get incredibly slammed. And then we will take questions from the audience. So anything could really happen. And the only way to listen to it is if you pay the $9 a month.

There's also $7 a month tier just for no ads, which I know people have been asking for that for a while. But the $9 one gets you the extra episodes. So there will be four regular episodes a week and then a fifth one, subscriber only, very loose and probably career ending each week, I think. I love how... That's how we're going to make our money. We're going to risk our career.

Yeah, we're going to charge a very small amount of money to destroy our careers. I think it's fine. Coming up on the show, I've got a little bit of a catastrophe that I have to deal with, and I need Dom's help on. Whereas I have some audio of the most. awkward conversation i've ever heard and no i'm not part of it before that though please enjoy this

ad which you wouldn't have to listen to if you subscribe to the ad free are you going to still be able to hear the throws to the ad though because they're my favorite part of the podcast oh yeah well keep there's bits in there's bits of gold yeah thank you for your patience your call is important can't take being on hold anymore fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in Minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser Report. Now with Extra Whispers. Now, Charles, yesterday with Grace, we're talking about the Royal Jubilee. And there's one aspect of it, though, that we didn't discuss, which is the thing that's won the most praise of all of the aspect of the Jubilee, all the things that the Queen did, probably in 70 years.

I am. The most praise she has ever received. I am. is for the one and a half minute long comedy sketch she did with Paddington Bear. Did you see this? No, I didn't actually. As a way of celebrating the Queen being around for so long, they forced a 96-year-old woman to act alongside a digital teddy bear.

For a minute and a half. I mean, the last time she did a cameo was alongside Daniel Craig for the Olympics. She got to hang out with hot James Bond. Now she's hanging out with a teddy bear who wasn't even physically present in the palace alongside her. Well, that's probably good for COVID. But a minute and a half, that's probably the longest she's ever worked in her life. I mean, the thing is, though, Charles, they had all this budget. They had a CGI budget, like this Hollywood version of Paddington Bear came in.

Yeah, yeah. Well, Paddington Bear, too, is possibly the best movie ever. I know people love the Paddington movies, right? Yeah, yeah. So why is it that the scene with the Queen in Paddington is the most stilted and awkward conversation ever had? I imagine that when Prince Andrew rang up and said, Mommy, I've done a terrible thing. Yes.

That was less awkward than this conversation. Have a listen to how it starts. Thank you for having me. I do hope you're having a lovely Jubilee. Tea? What, that's not a conversation? She didn't even answer the question. Oh, dear.

All she said was tea. But you'd think that it would be scripted. I hope you're having a lovely Jubilee, and the Queen's just like, fuck you, teddy bear, just drink your tea. And then the joke is, oh, Paddington Bay doesn't know how to, you know, behave with the Queen. So he gets the teapot, puts it in his mouth and just drinks the entire pot down straight out of the teapot.

Right. Which is just, I felt sorry for Paddington Bay. He didn't know how to behave. He hadn't been briefed. And it's supposed to be funny, the awkwardness of a beloved children's character. Yes. They should have just got Louis to do it. He also doesn't know how to behave.

And then, okay, so they're trying to hit the big comedy beats. Yes. Right. And I must say, I did think they very beautifully depicted. The heights of British cuisine. I mean, I'm British, you're British, I'm British. Yes, this is as good as British cuisine ever gets. Perhaps you would like a marmalade sandwich.

I always keep one for emergencies. So do I. I keep mine in here. And it's a handbag. A revelation is the Queen has a marmalade sandwich in her handbag. I'm sure that's true, but most of the things in the handbag are gin. Come on. We could have been honest about that, couldn't we?

Can you get alcoholic marmalade? You can. You absolutely can. And I'm sure she does. There's barely anything to this conversation. That's basically it. Paddington sort of fucks up and squirts an eclair onto the face of the footman, which is good work, admittedly.

This is a little bit of clowning. Do you think there's a problem, though? Can I just be just in fairness to the Queen? Yes. Which I don't generally believe in. But in fairness to the Queen, imagine being the director of that scene. Right. But how do you direct the queen?

Like, how do you say to her, you totally fuck that line? Can you do it again, but this time, you know, with more... Like, you can't instruct the queen, can you? I mean, yes, look interested, ma'am. Yeah, because you're under constant threat of being beheaded. But there is actually, there are a few takeaway shots. So there are a few, like, reaction shots from the queen where she looks happy that the bear's done something entertaining.

Right, okay. And I just don't think the queen, actually, you'd think, would be an amazing actor, And you imagine for 70 years, she's had to go to various events and pretend to be interested in them. She's had to, like, Prince Phillips made all these terrible jokes and she's had to pretend that they weren't funny. Funny, yes. Which some of them, let's face it, were quite funny. Very inappropriate, but funny. And she's now having to act as though she's talking to a digital teddy bear.

Maybe the problem is that Paddington Bear wasn't nearly racist enough for her sense of humor. That might be. Maybe if it said more, like, inappropriate things. Prince Philip's style quips. Yes. About Indians. They weren't any quips at all. And then all we have at the end,

this very pointless and brief interaction between Paddington Bear and Her Majesty. Yes. This is the really awkward bit, Charles. Have a listen. So there's the crowd roaring. The party is about to start, your majesty. Happy, Jubilee, man. And thank you.

for everything that's very kind she didn't sound like she felt that was very kind so the point was Charles that was meant to be screened during the big party right and it was screened at the start of the big party the roar of the crowd was meant to be there

the queen was supposed to be inside the palace as though she just had tea with Paddington and come out on the balcony just like at the Olympics there was a thing about her like in the sky whatever, and then she supposedly parachutes down and then there she is. It's a clever segue, dressed in the same outfit.

Yes. She wasn't there, Charles. Oh. She was in Windsor Castle. She was in a completely different postcode. Yes. Because she wasn't up to. She wasn't well enough.

I think that there's something to be said that the queen's a bit lazy, isn't it? I mean, you'd think. All that build up. They made a CGI fucking teddy bear to set the scene for her to come out on the balcony. The least she could do was turn up. They put up in the fake roars of the crowd. And then nothing. They didn't even bring Paddington out to have a bit of a wave.

You know, they're going to sack the queen. Resign. She's 90-60s-old. She should have given it up 20 years ago. Yes. But then... They don't remember we've had a Prince Charles. I mean, I can see why she did it, can't you?

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser report.

More news. Less often. So, Dom, I've got a little bit of a major problem. A little bit of a major problem. Okay, sure. Over the weekend, might have had a few glasses of wine. Right, just warming up for the sealed section, drunk Q&A.

And on Sunday morning, Peter Dutton announced that his shadow treasurer was going to be Angus Taylor. He did. Right. And I found out about this on Sunday afternoon. And as you will recall, Angus Taylor, he's the guy who did that water deal for $80 million and he'd set up a company in the Cayman Islands and suddenly that company got paid $80 million for a whole lot of water by Barnaby Joyce for water that didn't actually exist. So remember all that sort of thing.

Are you sure this bit shouldn't be in the $9 a month to have a tree bid as the podcast? And also Angus tells us the other one who, Remember he claimed that Clovermore had all these amazing travel expenses all around the world? And then it turned out that the document that he was referring to was a forged document. It can't happen to anyone. Yeah. Probably most famously, or at least to me, most hilariously, is at the time that Angus Taylor, this is now the shadow treasurer of Australia, got on social media,

posted an announcement under its own name about some achievement that had happened. and then underneath it had risen, still in his own Angus Taylor account, well done, great work, fantastic job, Angus. Because he'd forgotten to switch to his sock puppet account. A sock puppet account. And so what I did is I went on to my Twitter account and I changed my name to Angus Taylor and then tweeted out, fantastic, great work, well done.

Angus as my tweet and he got lots of retweets and everyone was laughing at it, you know, thousands of people liking it. And then I woke up this morning and I've been banned from Twitter permanently. Really? Yes. Your account is permanently suspended. No way. So hang on.

So you replied to his announcement of Shadow Treasurer. No, I just said, I didn't even reply to him. I just put it out there because it was really, like everyone knows that that's an Angus Sailor reference. parody joke. And my point is, I didn't change my bio to be something. Like, my bio says the, you know, publisher of the chaser. Like, I wasn't pretending to be Angus Taylor, except for the name and... Charles said.

It now says Charles Firth, no image account suspended. Yes. Permanently suspended. That's awful. I know. Although, the funny thing is that moments after I found myself to be permanent. suspended from Twitter, the air seemed a little fresher and the sky seemed a little brighter. The flowers smelt a little more pungent.

I think that I've just discovered, you know, how, you know, your doctor always said, and your psychiatrist and you take a break from an obsessive habit. Just stop on the social media the whole time. And now I've been forced to do that. I think I've never been happier, Dom. You're free. I'm free. I'm free.

They're finally free of this fucking Twitter account. Well done, Charles. Great job. Yeah. Anyway, but I think that we need to launch some sort of campaign to get my Twitter account back. Because over the weekend, I used it to announce that the chase of newspaper is coming back, which it is. It had an enormous response to. I was actually thinking to myself shortly before I changed my name to Angus Taylor, how useful it was to have, you know.

To have to announce things. And now can't. Well, yes, I didn't bother doing my own tweet about the Chasing newspaper coming back, which is very exciting, by the way. This is a thing that we're doing. We're doing 100th edition of the Chaston newspaper. After all these years, we closed it down in 2004, so what, it 18 years ago. And it's finally coming back just for one edition only,

and you can order it on the Chaste website, by the way. Yes. But anyway, the point is, so I just retweeted you. I just shared your tweet and said, this is really exciting. You know, stay tuned. And now that's failed because. Yes. It's just a banned tweet.

Yes. You and Donald Trump are in the same category. Yes, exactly. I think I'm going to start my own, you know, he started Truth Social. I'm going to start Firth Social. Firth Social. Yeah. Where everyone can just like post a Firth.

And the only rule is that you've got to be me to be on the social media network. But this is a bit of worry. Do we need a hashtag to try and get justice? Yes, we need, you know, what should it be? Justice Firth. What about great job, Firth? Yeah, great, great job, well done, fantastic work, Firth. Oh, this is probably, so everyone needs to tweet Twitter A.U.

Saying I think a terrible miscarriage of justice has been done. Bring back Charles Firth. Bring back at Charles Firth. I just would advise anyone wanting to make that point. Probably don't change your name to Charles Firth. Because that seems to be being frowned on. I mean, how many times does the Chaser change its name to somebody else? I know, exactly.

And we get banned and then we get unbanned. But this is permanent. But this is a permanent fucking ban. I love that of all the things to get banned for, it was just basically changing your name to Angus Taylor. It's a victimless crime. I sort of think that, like, doesn't this mean that everyone whose name is Angus Taylor should be banned?

And what an absurd situation. I mean, I'm tempted to change my name to Angus Taylor just to protest its decision. Yes. You said no one will know that I have because my account will be banned. Gears from Road Microphone and we're part of the Acast, Creator Network. There you are. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.