The Chaser Report - Ground Control To Major Don

Episode Date: March 9, 2025

Dom and Lachlan brainstorm ways to make the podcast more METAL and EXTREME after an marketing strategy inspires them to make boring things seem cool. Meanwhile Donald Trump is making plans to save astronauts stranded in space. Plus Apple Pay went down and it was highly annoying.Watch OPTICS on ABC iview here:https://iview.abc.net.au/show/opticsCheck out more Chaser headlines here:https://www.instagram.com/chaserwar/?hl=enHelp us afford a fancy water bottle here:https://chaser.com.au/support/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigall Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and with producer Lachlan. Hello. Charles frankly, I'm sure you do, Lockeland, he's committed to this podcast, is pathetic. He's in Adelaide doing Wankanomics. It's very clear what's number one with The Firth and it's not the 15-minute daily pod. It is not.

Oh, we can't even wrangle him anywhere. I bet he hasn't brought a mic with it. Can't even spare 15 lousy minutes. And let's not kid ourselves that we spend a whole lot of time more than that, prepping this thing. I think in an episode you guys did a few days ago, actually, Charles was extremely proud of getting the, what was that segment he wanted to make last 15 minutes? The jibber, jibber link. Oh, the two, the two AIs talking to each other.

Yeah, wow, that was. Yeah, that episode ended up only going for 13 minutes because. We may be better off without him. And thank you for editing that stuff out. Look, lots to talk about today. I'm personally irritated that Apple pay didn't work. It stopped working. And I think I'm now, I've just been clear to me how dependent I am on not having credit cards.

Oh my goodness. Okay, you're about to blow the lid on why my night was so inconvenient. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just down. I'm also consuming, and this is just literally my day, I'm consuming the best piece of marketing in the history of the world. which I'll share with you in a second, and you have some Trump news just to get things on the usual track. I do have some Trump news.

I feel like it's fair to say we're a bit critical of him sometimes on the old pod here. On occasion, when it seems justified. And so I thought when it seems justified, I thought we should give him credit for something I think he's done that is actually pretty neat, pretty good.

Hey, let's bring the balance after these ads, which may be great or not, just to be balanced. Now look, just before we get on to Donald Trump, and you mentioned the story, I'm not across this at all, which is unlike me, because I've actually spent a day not glued to the feed direct from Washington, D.C. Have you come across this product, Lachlan? I'm showing it up in the Zoom between us. It's a sparkling water. Oh, is that the liquid death? Liquid death. Yeah. I have come across that. I've seen people drinking it at parties.

It's 500 mil. It's got a rotting skull on it. It looks like a heavy metal t-shirt from the 80s. It's a very turbo-looking can. Yeah, the flavour is severed lime. Whoa. It's citrus-flavored fizzy water, and they're trying to make it look hardcore,

and I'm actually convinced it is in no way. Did you say water? It's water. So people have been drinking it at parties. Yeah. It looks like basically it's got about 10% alcohol Holland is going to destroy you. Yeah, I thought that's what it was.

It is sparkling water, Loughlin. They put some agave in it. It's actually really, it tastes really nice too, to be honest. I hope that my completely sincere bewilderment and gullibility at putting hardcore marketing on a can doesn't come across as people thinking this is a subtle ad, I'm just that easily fooled. It's 42 kilojoules. It's basically got nothing in it, except a little bit of fizzy water.

And just because the can is called liquid death, it sells for lots more than regular water. And I'm on board. I think I look rocking. I mean, I'm nearly 50, Loughlin. I need to take my wins where I can get them. I feel metal when I'm drinking sparkling water in a can as long as it's called liquid death. You would look absolutely the full part at all of the parties that I go to, which isn't many. But there are people drinking liquid death there.

Fitting into Lachland's parties might make me feel awesome. or not making you massively. I don't know. I should come along and find out. Awesome, Dom. So it just makes me think maybe we need to rename the podcast. Maybe the Chaser report is not. It doesn't sound tough enough.

It doesn't sound metal enough. I like where you're going with this. We're thinking a full rebrand. Okay. Yeah, I mean, the Chaser brands, let's be honest, it's more of a heritage brand these days and a pretty patchy heritage at that. More hipster than metal. And I don't mean the former in a complimentary sense.

You mean underpants. You mean, hipster jocks. Yeah, I mean, this podcast will kill you. But maybe something like that. Oh, that's pretty, yeah. How do we inject steroids into the Chaser report? Would the death report just be too sort of riding on the coattails of liquid death? Possibly.

But listen and die might work. I think listen and die could be good. Death if you're listening. Death if you're, oh, that's pretty good. Matt, Bevin. tie in. We'll keep brain. So if you've got any ideas

for how to rename the podcast, just email podcast at chaser.com. com. Should we also change our soundscape? Should we add a bit more heavy metal guitar

between advertisements? And instead of those those whoosh transitions will add like a stick of dynamite going off. Yeah, I think that's good. Or the sound of someone. There is one sting.

We have got one sting that has explosions in it. Can you use that here? Yeah, I'll use that a hay. I'll add in the sound. of someone just shooting up crack I even know what that sound is

please insert the sound of someone ingesting crack here Which is legalised comedy Or an ice pipe is just going to sound like a gentle bubbling sound like a test tube I could play Which I assume is what liquid death sounds like as well

Yeah, it's just a can of... The whole thing is, here's the line. This ruthless tourboy of flavoured sparkling water has a twisted plan to use natural agave and exploding bubbles to murder your thirst and recycle your soul. Okay, I think I'm understanding where maybe the hitch with this product is, you say it's a can of water, tiny bit of flavouring. How much did that cost you?

So much money. I think I've seen them for six bucks. Like they're quite, I think I've got like two for seven on a promotion or something, but it's definitely far more than it should cost. And their whole gimmick is it's not a bottle of water. It's more recyclable. It's actually a Roocastle green, we're on waste little flex. The Rook Castle effect is inescapable. I will say my, my, probably my most, I don't want to age myself.

I'm getting old now, Dom, but. 25 year old, fuck. Oh, I'm such a, such a grizzled. Maybe that's my rebranding is I'm going to come across with. some more Ben Fordham opinions. But what's going on? Why can't we just drink bottled water anymore? Why does everyone need a hydra flask or a Hank green?

Hank, is that Frank, or a Frank Green flask? Or what's the really stupidly big ones from America? I can't what they call. I did a whole interview about why they are in. Stupid big water bottles. Absolutely enormous. There's some brand, they're like $70. Oh, I know the ones you're insulated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stanlies. The Stanley Cup, that's right. And the genius of that is at the bottom is the normal size. So it fits in your car cup holder. But then it's like two litres. Oh my goodness. That's genius.

You know what doesn't do that? What? Like pump water bottle. Franklin. All of the plastic ones. No, guys spend $70 on one. All right. So we've basically used up the whole episode now talking about water.

Let's just briefly, yeah. I went to pay tonight at the store. And it said decline system error. And so obviously I assumed I had no money. But I also assumed the same thing. And I did. Dinner before the pod. Yeah, and it just didn't work.

So I had to pull out my... It took me fully two minutes to find my actual credit card. What, retro. I know. I've got like, I've got this sort of a zip wallet thing now because I never use any of them. So I've just got basically all the cards in one thing. It takes ages to find any one of them out.

I've got like 20 cards I never use. And it took ages to find it. And then it's kind of like, what do I do again? Do I tap? Oh, yeah, I can just tap it. Even though it's not an Apple pay. I can just tap the actual card on the thing. And it worked.

But it was, yeah, it was weirdly retro. Mm-hmm. See, I got caught out in a much worse scenario because I don't carry a wallet. I don't carry cards. I just, I have my phone. I can pay with this. I can use this as an ID. So when I was without Apple Pay trying to grab dinner beforehand. Oh, dear. And I couldn't pay. I just had to go hungry. That'll teach you. This instance of Apple Pay going down has probably resulted in world hunger skyrocketing between people under the age of 25. Yeah. So World Hunger Skyrocketing for people who have smartphones from Apple, which are very expensive. Finally, people are going to care about World Hunger because it's happening to Western people. I will say, though, my bank and some banks have a system where you can use a smartphone to get cash out of an ATM without a card. Oh, thank goodness. So, yeah, they've thought about this. It's going to be all right. Just don't leave your phone.

All right, so that's what's going on. This is a weird episode. Let's liquid death ourselves into Donald Trump after this little death and break. The Chaser report. More news. Less often. Oh, that was so metal, whoever they were. Oh, wow.

Now I'm feeling ready to rock. Okay. Talk Trump to me. What's he done? Look, he's actually saving lives. I'm going to go so far to say that Trump has saved at least or will save two lives. with something that he's recently announced at a press.

I'm just going to come right out there and assume they're both beauty pageant contestants. No, okay. No, they're not beauty pageant contestants. But we will get to his thoughts on one of their looks later. Is it something to do with, is it one of the little dogelings, one of little kids, got caught in, I don't know, some secure space that they weren't,

maybe they got into the Pentagon's most secure room and got locked in there or something. No, I'm pretty sure. If any of the Doge kids are getting locked anywhere, it's in a car with a child lock. A little 19 year old Doge. They make even you look old those Doge kids, Lachland. I know, except I don't refer to myself as producer big balls. That's true.

Which is frankly an oversight on your part. Imagine someone coming to work for you and going, yeah, look, online on those big balls and just going, yeah, that checks out, that's good. You're the sort of person we want in the federal government. Well, there are two people on Earth who that would work for, and one of them's Elon Musk and the other one's Charles Firth. Well, there was a voiceover guy in Sydney. I think his name is Steve Britton, but he was not as four balls.

No, four balls, big balls, and the Doge boys are not involved in who Trump is saving the lives of. Dom, do you remember those two NASA astronauts who were stranded in space? Oh, yes. Am I right in? Let me vaguely remember this because we did an episode on this. Are they still up there? are we haven't checked in on them. They're still up there.

They were trapped up there by the ineptness of Boeing, which is a whole subject where a story of a whole John Oliver episode on it, actually, where Boeing used to be this amazing, like, the Boeing brand meant quality. Then the management consultants and the hedge funds came in and stripped out all the costs. And now it doesn't mean anything. It means, you know, doors or windows may fly off randomly. And that's what happened with the spacecraft. Which is funny because, I mean, all of the jokes that we made about windows falling off of passenger planes are funny,

but it's a lot funnier to think that a window fell off of the ISS. Yeah, no, Sunny Williams and Barry Wilmore have been stranded in space since last June and they could be up there for as long as 21 months and Trump got asked in a recent presser if there was any message he would like to share with them. Now, Dom, if you're Trump, the president of the country that these two poor astronauts are from,

what is the message of hope that you would give them? Just on a human level. If I was Donald Trump, very serious. What are five things that you've done in the past week or you're sacked? Five bullet points, send them down or you're sacked. And in fact, surely, you know, if Doge is doing anything decent, they're not doing, they're not doing anything useful up there. The mission's long over.

Surely that can be made redundant while in space. Let's see if you're right. We love you and we're coming up to get you and you shouldn't have been up there so long. Lockland, everything in that clip seems entirely reasonable. A, they shouldn't have been up there that long, clearly the case. B, yeah, someone should go and get them. C, yeah, we love you probably a little bit much, but it's nice to see Donald Trump with human emotion.

Yeah. Now, what do you think the very next thing he said to them was? Hang on just a moment. Does he have a de facto vice president who by any chance runs a spacecraft business? And who has a ponchoont, shall we say, for stupid rescue missions? Let's not forget the cave sub-submobile. Has he got a space cave submarine? He can dispatch to get to pick these guys up?

I think we will be getting to that. Unfortunately, the next thing that Trump said, as soon as he'd finished being lovely and saying he was going to save them, the next thing he said was, We love you and we're coming up to get you and you shouldn't have been up there so long. The most incompetent president in our history has allowed that to happen to you. He blamed this being stranded on

Biden. Wow. You won the election, Donald. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You actually, you defeated Joe Biden before the poll. That was the debate. You don't need to do that. You can be forward to be generous. He's not going to run again. Oh, God. That's amazing. So, I mean, is Elon going to go up? Because it's just one, there are a couple of inconvenient details. Mm-hmm. About that. I mean, it comes to mind. Firstly, Elon has about eight jobs. Yes. And none of them are going well. Tesla is absolutely, it's in terrible trouble. People are vandalizing the cars, right?

The share prices drop, they can't sell their inventory, it's dropped down. So that's a disaster. And I don't know if you've been following SpaceX, Loughlin, but two days ago, one of their Starship rockets broke up at launch. Yep. If that's the one, that's the one thing that would make you go, actually, you know what, I'm going to trust Boeing on this one, is Elon sending up a Starship to get you.

I was going to say that if Trump has blamed Biden, incompetence for why they're stuck up there, and you want someone competent to save them, who better than to bring Starship Explode Elon Musk? Wow. I mean, I think I'd be going, Bezos, that thing, the Blue Horizon, whatever it was. Is there any chance that works at all? Because even a 50-50% chance. 50-50 is better odds than they're getting anywhere else.

I honestly think if I was the astronauts and I was there, I'd be asking even Richard Branson to help out. I'd be that desperate. Or would you just basically give it a. crack in the in the space suit just just trying to swim you way back just go down just like a i'd get that whoever red bull sponsored to do that massive drop from a high see if they can do one of them that's true actually red bull would be able to get them back i think yeah um now it's funny you mentioned Elon Musk going up himself because in the presser uh Trump mentioned that Musk was very very happy to

go and save them and you'll note that he mentioned the idea of Elon going up and that put uh a certain thought into Trump's head that I think is something that we could maybe be a bit hopeful about. So Elon is going to go up and get him. Should I go on that journey just to be on the ship when we stop? That's an option. Yes. Is that Elon? No. That's a random journalist. Was that Jad Vance? Going, come on, Mr. President, there's nothing Jaddy Vance would like more than Donald Trump going up on the space. Wow, so Trump's going to space. Trump's going to space. to space. He's going to save them himself. Biden didn't do that. Harris didn't do that when she was president. That's for sure. That's very impressive. Trump is himself on his own going to save two

lives. If he does that, if he actually goes up, I will be very impressed. Like that's, that's pretty badass. It would be kind of cool. And I thought if he does go up, maybe just for luck, we should put some school teachers on the on the rocket ship with him, just for luck. Lachlan, I know that's, that's been through enough the teaching profession The only thing You said there were two people

One of them is a woman, right? Yes, yes, I did say One of them's a woman No wonder Elon wants to bring her back It's a long time up there in space Well, well, I mean According to Trump Elon could have some competition there

Because Trump hears that a man and a woman are in space And he immediately thinks There's only one outcome that could happen I hope they like each other but maybe they'll love each other I don't know I see the woman with the wild hair good solid hair of hair she's got

there's no kidding there's no games with her hair but fantastic happy international women's day was that on international women's day oh my God is that him I mean this might be progress though

is that him actually being about to say that she's really hot and then pulling up short and going her hair is kind of interesting Maybe. Maybe Trump's learned. Like, compared to what he used to say, let's just remember the Access Hollywood tape. Oh, yeah. This is pretty restrained stuff. All right. So, choose your poison astronauts. Donald Trump comes up. Elon comes up. The whole thing ends up in a giant fireball or it's Boeing and, hey, the window comes out.

Maybe you'll be right. Or just stay there, which can't be much worse than what's going on down here. We're part of the Icona class network and we'll catch you tomorrow. See you later.