The Chaser Report - Groundhogging | Dave Milner

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

We chat to The Shot's Dave Milner as Melbourne goes under curfew, and belatedly realise that we keep producing the same depressing lockdown episode over and over again, because time now essentially stands still. Rest assured, dear listener, that we will now start ensuring that the podcast deals with topics besides the misery of lockdown, over and over again – but not until tomorrow's episode. If it ever arrives. Also, we discuss a terrifying new invention and a new ABC staff complaint service operated by a caring Coalition senator. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by Skeen. What everyone does at the snow to kill time before they get maggoted on small-batch artisanal gin. Skien. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to the Chase Report for Tuesday, the 17th of August 2021. Charles and Gabby, welcome back to the most fun hour of our day. Oh, yeah.

So the curfew has come in. in Melbourne. Yes. Oh. Yeah. So the curfew that was rejected by New South Wales Health every time they asked at every single press conference, which probably means curfews are a very good idea.

Yeah, I know. But the interesting thing is I've been running a bit of an experiment about this. Really? Because I have already been under curfew. Really? How did that happen? Well, so what I've been doing is I've been not going out after 9pm. Yeah.

I've been taking any drugs. or mixing with any young folk after 9 p.m. Oh, that's great. Not going on any pub crawls, not hashing any strangers. I haven't been hanging out in playgrounds at night. These are all things that are going to be banned under the curfew. I'm not even going to, I haven't been doing any nangs or toking any joints. This just sounds like you in the 90s, Chuck.

That's so true. I was there, Gabby. I was there. I said that as somebody who met you this year. I just figured that that would be your life. in the 90s. Except it wasn't cool. Don't get the impression that it was cool in anyway.

I'm under the curfew of middle age. I'm under the curfew. Oh, did I ruin the joke? In terms of expert medical opinion, which is my opinion. Of course. It works because I have not contracted Corona once this pandemic with this particular curfew. So therefore, it definitely works. And Andrew, Daniel,

Yeah, it's good to know we won't enforce it in New South Wales, isn't it? Well, I like the situation because what I do, given that my daughter now chooses to go to sleep at 11.30pm, despite being three. What a rager. When she's done, when she finishes, I go for a walk. So I go for late night walks and I don't see a soul. I do not see a soul. I saw one person one time and before, you know, she just walked past me and she put on a mask.

She literally put a mask on to walk past me. So it's very safe. I'm the creepy-looking, scary guy late at night on the roads. Speaking as a woman, going late-night walking is not something any of us do voluntarily. I mean, I'm almost jealous of your late-night walks, not because it's a way around COVID, more because you can do it. I know. I feel very lucky. I'll probably get stabbed tomorrow, but nevertheless, it's a luxury.

You have a mask to stab you. Yeah. Get some revenge. In today's show, Dave Milner of the shot is going to talk about Kerkir. I'm sure in Melbourne as their state prolongs its suffering. Plus, I am going to take you on a trip into the future. Not a, not appealing, slightly scary. I'm glad you're under curfew, Charles.

I wouldn't want to run into that guy late at night. Usually they're very good gadgets, terrible gadgets. I mean, this one's actually a very good gadget. Doctor Who would be such a different show if you played the doctor. Yeah, yeah. The doctor would be combative. You've got a horror series. But first, let's go to Rebecca Dana-Muno in the Chasing Newsroom.

It's been a challenging few months in New South Wales as authorities try to contain the COVID-Delta outbreak. The Berejiklian government has called in more troops to stop the spread of the highly contagious airborne virus by going from home to home, door to door, and visiting every single family in the affected area. Following the Taliban's takeover of Kabul, their specific plans for forming a Taliban government is still relatively unknown.

While most media networks are keeping an eye on the unfolding situation, Sky News claims they have irrefutable proof that the Taliban have appointed Dan Andrews as Afghanistan's interim president. QAnon followers, who believe Donald Trump would be reinstated as President of the United States following a stolen election, were embarrassed today as their prediction failed to happen for the 208th day in a row. Now sources close to Q are adamant that it will happen on day 209.

That's the latest chaser news you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. This episode brought you by skiing. The best way to injure yourself while strapped to two planks. So in the intro to today's podcast, we heard Charles's extremely ill-informed theories about curfew, but here's someone actually knows what it's like to live. under a curfew, Dave Milner of The Shot House is to site at theshot.net.net. Dot, Dave.

Hey, Dom. How you doing? I can hear from the tone of your voice that probably about as well as you. Yeah, I've been listening to Corn today. I don't do that very often. I haven't done that since I was, yeah, I'm feeling unhinged. You feeling corny? Corny. Apoplectic is the best word I can think of at the moment to be perfectly honest.

It's a great word for Corn. But surely you read the very uplifting article on the weekend by Peter Credlin praising Gladys Berrigley. I mean, what it's actually done has made me embarrassed to be a journalist. No, seriously, I'm just absolutely furious, and I don't know what these people think the point of their fucking jobs is, to be perfectly honest. But I think, to be honest, I don't think Petty Credlin is a journalist, technically. Isn't she a former staffer who's now just a sort of acolyte of her?

She gets to run around and pretend, and everyone else that is a journalist, gets to keep that Marage going and pretend she's a fucking journalist too. And I just think everyone can see this shit for what it is. What's your thinking on the curfew that Daniel Andrews brought in yesterday afternoon? Well, I think they actually do is just remind people how fucking serious this is. That's what compulsory mass outdoors was about as well. It's like you step outside, you put it on, instantly all the other rules are more real. All the other rules are more present in your mind. That's kind of the point. Like it sucks. It's a shit thing. I vividly remember like pacing up and down the wall, just wanting to go outside at 9pm in the depths of last year.

The thing is we introduced a whole suite of measures, 15 of them at the same time, and they ultimately worked. We don't know which one it was that made the difference. Try them all so we can get out of this quicker because it's a fucking nightmare, as you guys are now experiencing now. What you've got to understand, Dave, is that this state, we specialize in the belated tinker. We wait a few months until what we've tried, it hasn't worked, and then we very slightly adjust it, and then when that doesn't work in another month, then we slightly adjust it again. And that's why we have the high 400s at the moment here in New South Wales.

God, this is depressing. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Like, the thing that got us through last year was just this vague sense that actually this was a sensible approach and it was going to work and it did. Your media is being far more supportive than ours was. That really did compound our misery. So at least you don't have that. At the same time, getting fired up and just having something to rage again,

really does help you get through these days when you've got fuck all else to do but listen to corn like what the fuck am I doing it's ridiculous no corn's great no I defend the corn decision I will say Melbourne have the one up on us because by this point in their lockdown their cases were actually going down and hours are going up an escalator but I will say the one thing that we have on Melbourne is that Sydney residents are going to emerge from this quantum physicists we are going to emerge from this lockdown fucking intelligent because we

We have to have an Einstein level of fucking mathematic theory to understand what's going on. Yes. But Dave, I just want to ask, how do you get through the days where you feel like nothing matters, nothing will ever change? And it's just all meaningless, because that's where I'm at. I just, there just seems to be no solving anything at this point. Well, I mean, first you need to accept that it is all meaningless and there is no solving anything. That's the first point.

It's the acceptance thing. And then it's about looking for just new combinations of things. Like, you know, the 200 and fuck-nose days into this. And so I've done everything now. Like I got, like, yesterday, I got a bit bake and watched an anime about a flying pig that is a fighter pilot. I hadn't done that before. Oh, that's a good one. I've seen that one.

New combinations, right. Yeah, I don't think about heroin. No, no, that's. Not that one. I don't think it's, as someone that's done lots of lockdown, I don't think it's a great call. I just thought because I'm in a controlled environment, which is always the advice everybody told you about hard drugs. It's like, make sure you're at home first time.

And now I'm always at home. With heroin, I could pretend I'm somewhere else. Fuck the doses of hope or whatever they're called from Poland. Let's get some heroin from Afghanistan. It's all about a balance between healthy coping mechanisms and unhealthy coping mechanisms. And you do you. Heroin, listening to corn, those sorts of things probably.

not to do, but... I just feel like this podcast has become an encapsulation of the broader situation, right? Like, we started it to reflect the news and give people like a daily you sent to what's going on and had to laugh at it at the same time. The problem is that every day what's going on is exactly the same and that there's no actual way to laugh at it. So other than that, it's going great. One of the things that I think you'll experience when you do get out of this is just how

compress the memory of it will become. And that's because you literally have lived the exact same day 100 times, 200 times. It's a really unnerving sensation when you try to get back on it. And it feels like 12 days have gone past in retrospect. I know that for last year, I mean, we're much shorter here, but still the eight weeks. Yeah, it feels like one day where I ran around the park with my daughter. I just did that day 50 times or something. There you go.

Yeah. So that goes to show that at one point, most of this will be expunged from our memories, except we'll have the podcast to look back on to make all those traumatic moments come back to life. Also, the trauma doesn't go away. You'll have that to remind you as well. Oh, God. Sorry, Dom.

Thanks, Dave. Well, it is certainly a nice change to reflect on the misery of your situation as well as the misery of our own. Thank you for diversifying our sources of misery today. Hey, team Australia, miserable together. Yay. That's the new campaign slogan for both parties. I hope corn works for you, Dave, because I hope something does.

It's not, mate. It's really not, but yeah. I can't get a corner. You've watched Grandel Day. That's a great movie. I've been watching that every day. No, that's going to hit too hard. The Chase Report is brought to you by Scheme.

It's the expensive white powder that's legal. It's now time for a very special edition of Welcome to the Future. You love doing that, don't you, Charles? Yep. And look, usually this segment's about crap Bluetooth products that don't work. What? You're varying your proven formula?

I am changing that formula today because listen to this. That is the sound of the future, guys. What do you think it is? A foliarist, not getting paid enough money? An Amazon worker Trudging after a long day We've been able to piss Close

Close, Dom, close But no Because this worker Or a pair of legs As it is Doesn't get to feel pain Or happiness Or sadness

Oh my God Don't tell me It's one of those chilling Boston Dynamics robots Yes It's like No

I don't think it's Boston Dynamics But it's from MIT And they have created a robot. It's the first robot that can autonomously walk five kilometers. Hate that. And this is it going for a job, right?

Oh, my God. And look, I'll just give you a little bit of a statistic. Guess how many legs there are on Earth? Legs on Earth. Like any pairs of legs on Earth? Are we counting centipedes or like what? Yeah, all of them. 10 trillion.

No, no, no. It's 61 quintillion legs on Earth. Oh, yeah, and so there's now 61 quintillion and two legs on this earth, right? Let me just paint a picture of these legs, right, because they're pretty amazing, right? They're just legs, right? So there's no torso, there's no head, it's just legs, and they look like they're just falling forward the whole time. So you sort of constantly go, oh, don't trip over, right? And they trudge around, and they completely lack grace.

but guess what they will be able to do in the future. Advise you that visual things don't work very well for podcasts? No, Don. Help people walk. Is that the idea? Yes. Are they for people who... That is correct.

Oh, wow. It's one of the three key uses they reckon are delivering packages, managing warehouses, and helping old people in their homes. Oh, but not new legs for people who can't walk. No, no, no, no, no. You've got to think about all the uses. that will make Amazon more properly in the future. And these are the three ones

so that old people can get to the door to pick up their packages. Yeah, the packages, yeah. Delivered by the legs outside the front of the door. It's enormously encouraging to think that very, very soon, all the people who've been getting by during this pandemic

by doing manual delivery work and Uber eats and delivery and all, and dropping off all the Amazon parcels, they'll all be out of a job. Yeah, we can get rid of all of them. In one fell swoop. And the thing is, these legs can, do five kilometers in 53 minutes.

Do you know how fast that is? No, I don't do sport. It's not very fast. But the really good news is that they only needed one battery charge and it lasted 53 minutes, which is just amazing, right? Like, imagine being able to walk for 53 minutes. This is the future, man. It is true, though, that that 53 minutes included six and a half minutes of having to

reset it. It overheated at one point. Sounds like me, this thing. And then another time. It's called the Gabby. When I walk for five kilometres, I too need a six minute reset. It had to, they had to just wait to cool down a bit. And then another time, this is honestly true.

And remember, it's not walking that fast. It tried to turn, and it was going too fast, and so it fell over. And, of course, if it falls over, then that's game over it. I can't write itself, yeah. But other than that, that is the future. I feel like there are two kind of contradictory conclusions from this. The first is that we're definitely all going to be replaced by robots, particularly anyone with a low-income job, it's just over.

but the second thing is that that's quite a way off that's right exactly I just my the arrogance of human kind always surprises me for some reason like how many movies are there about how this is going to end badly for us there are so many sci-fi films

where it's like the film starts we think it's a great idea to help the economy and by the end of the film guess what oh my god never saw it coming all the robots turned bad and killed everybody And yet we just made it happen. It's a cliche that technology will decide to destroy us. But to be honest, at this point in the pandemic,

I think we're just all deciding to destroy it. We don't even need technology to do it. It's now the patently obvious that we just aren't fit for this world. Yeah, the murderer can only murder based off the coding that the murdeed put into it. Is that a term for a murdered person, a murdeed? So what I'm hearing is that we should just let the world burn. Well, maybe we can use the overheating legs to burn it. Yeah, just send them into various furnaces around the country.

There is one use I reckon the legs could have, considering that they're clearly not long distance cross-country runners yet. I wouldn't mind a pair of legs just to go from my bed to the fridge. Oh, yeah, that would be handy. Like, I hate the idea that it would put people out of a job, but currently there's no unemployed to do that in my house, so it can only be an asset. Actually, I've changed my mind. If this thing can be a drink's way to bring it on, just keep them coming.

Robots keep them coming. The Chaser Report is brought you by Scheme, a great way to meet people who are really into negative gearing. Just before we go, I saw it this week that there's been a new rule set up by a coalition senator at the ABC for ABC staffers to dob on each other. Really? Tip offline, yeah. Like ABCN or something. I don't know. It hasn't got a name, but they probably should name it something like that.

Yeah, you can dobb in your co-workers for being biased. in the workplace. And he's been set up by Sarah Henderson, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think my favorite thing is just the idea that anybody working at the ABC wants to dobb on anyone.

I mean, they have a lot of investigative journalists there who are quite good at, like, dobbing on people. So it's the notion that there's a brutal left-wing cabal that is suppressing ABC stuff from expressing their opinions. And so they need outside assistance to complain. Is that the basis of this? Well, yeah, that's as much as I've gathered. I've also got it, like recently they were told,

in their social media that they can't, everything that they like from their social media has to be balanced. And I love the idea that in a court of law, if somebody accused you of being unbalanced, you then have to go through the history of each individual person's activity on social media and prove that they were being equal with everything that they shared. And I just think, if I ever had to do that, God forbid.

But if I ever had to be pulled up and then have to go through every single page that I've ever liked on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter, fuck that would reveal some things about my personality that I don't want anyone knowing. And does that apply to politicians as well? Like, does Greg Hunt, if he likes say BBW cum dumps to 69? You would think. Does he then also have to like, I don't know, some sort of prove his job is worth having? Yeah, no, he doesn't have to. You know, chose a balance in his tastes. No, no, lucky for him, he can go around liking all of the

cum pumper posts. He wants. But also, but also, do you think that there needs to be hotline for for MPs. Like if Greg Hunt is feeling oppressed by Sarah Henderson and wants to complain that he's been shamed about his social media history, maybe we need to set up a hotline for them. I think before a hotline gets set up in Parliament, they should maybe set up, I don't know, like some HR or something

because even this, yeah, just somewhere to complain anyway. Not necessarily an email. They need a mediator. They need some way for desks to file complaints, I'm thinking. Yeah. I think we should post a link. We'll post a link to the email address. So

that people can complain about the ABC because I think that people... We don't want to stoke the flame, do we, Charles? Yes, I think we want to, you know, get people to complain about the ABC no longer having any chaser TV shows. Oh my God, they really aren't lying when they say everything's promo with you, aren't they? Don't... Charles, we don't want to get a TV show off the basis of complaint. But that's how Sean McAuliffe gets all his shows up.

Charles, don't you think that if you were able to convince the masses to complain by this the masses would already be like complaining yeah if there was a big popular demand for more chase tv shows wouldn't that already exist as a demand and god knows why we don't given the high caliber content of the last couple of weeks that's right who knows i'm thinking of making a the corona depressing hour yeah the chases slow slide into absolute misery yeah um the chases war on sanity yeah so basically i'm understanding that commissioning decision at this point, Charles, with all respect to you and everyone else. Okay, well, you know, have a good day.

That's the best sign off ever. That's the greatest sign off so far in this whole podcast. We are going to try and address the, just if you've made it this far in this episode, which I doubt, we're going to try and address this issue in our content. We have really good segments from. Yeah, we just can't talk about what's going on because it's too awful. So we're going to talk about specific things that are not locked down, all right? That's what we're going to do.

Don't leave us a review today, please. But if you're going to, if you go to do it, slow descent into misery, maybe is the code word to use. I'm not going to mention who sponsored this today, but I do have to say that we're part of the Acast, creator network, sorry, Acast. Catch you tomorrow when we won't be doing the same episode as usual. Can I cry now?

Is it right if I cry? Yes, you can cry. You're already crying? I'm trying this whole time. Catch you tomorrow for an episode that won't be like, the last 20 episodes the way that this one was. Bye. This is going to need and need it. Jesus Christ.