The Chaser Report - Guns Don't Kill People, Laughing Gas Does

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

Andrew and Dom set out to solve all the world's problems today, spanning from climate change to firearm safety. Andrew takes a look at the newest climate change research which suggests that the biggest danger to our planet is pregnant women. Meanwhile Dom pitches the NRA some solutions for how to prevent people from dying at the hands of guns, without having to ban guns of course. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Tuesday the 31st of May 22. Dom Knight here, once again, with Andrew Hanson, and Charles has still lost his voice. It's a gift to humanity, really. Oh, I've enjoyed 24 hours of silence since yesterday's episode where he was also not here. Imagine if he took a vow of silence at this point. He said enough for the rest of his life, I feel.

Well, essentially, I mean, look, this is an enforced veil of silence, isn't it? I think the rest of us have bailed on his behalf. Absolutely. Now, lots of things to talk about today, the whole gun situation in Texas, I think we've got to touch on and try and find some solutions, Andrew. Yeah, well, I hope you have some, Donnie, because no one in America seems to. Yes, and I'm going to be looking at a new greenhouse gas emergency, thanks to mums who are giving birth to babies.

And we'll explain a little bit more of that when we get to it. Just before we go on, though, we should acknowledge the departure of probably our favourite subject of the past 10 to 15 years. And it's a sad day for comedy as Barnaby Joyce leaves the Nationals leadership and the role as Deputy PM. He did so much for his country. And he's hanging up his enormously unnecessarily large hat. What a shame. What a shame. Well, I'll miss Barnaby, but he's still going to be round, right?

I mean, he's sort of, he's still in Parliament. Well, I don't know, because last time he lost the leadership, he was very upset about it because of the pay cut. And he said, I've got all these master feed. And that's before he's got six children now, Andrew. Oh, that's right. And he keeps producing more. Yeah, he keeps producing more of them.

Although I suppose he won't have as many staff from here on. So there's less of a chance of more children. That's true. That's true. Well, you know, I mean, this is kind of ironic for somebody like Barnaby who never seems to be that concerned about the climate. but we've only just discovered that mums having babies is a real climate emitter. Oh, it's terrible.

But anyway, look, let's save that up. We're going to get to that. I just hope, I don't know much about David Little Proud. I don't know if he's willing to impregnate staffers for the country. I don't know if he's willing to go that far. I mean, that's part of the job, isn't it, Domney? I mean, if you're going to be leader of the nationals, that's something you've got to step up and start doing. It's family values.

Yeah. And they value as bigger family as humanly possible, with as many women as humanly possible. That's right. It's true. It's a, they place a lot of value on family. A lot. You know, the larger the family, the more value. And perhaps this is why the nationals kept all their seats at the election while the

Liberals got decimated because they've been for many, many years producing more voters. Well, you just want to vote for their uncles and. They're like, that's probably, probably all their voters are related to the National Party. It's just all my children voted for me. And that's an entire electorate's worth. I've got 115,000 children and they all voted for me. It's a good model for success. It absolutely.

The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Now, Andrew, let's get on to this burning environmental question because I am concerned. And Barnaby Joyce really has a lot to, he's responsible for a lot of greenhouse emissions. Oh, he really has been. He really has been. And this is the problem. So moms are giving birth to children. And they're using something, which is a very bad greenhouse gas emitter.

Now, the biggest greenhouse gas emitter, of course, is carbon dioxide. And the second one's methane. Turns out the third one is nitrous oxide. It's just been reported in the media just now. Goodness. And nitrous oxide, also known as aka laughing gas. It's the stuff that, you know, hospitals offer to mums while they're giving birth so that it doesn't hurt quite as much as the most extreme pain that you've ever felt.

And some scientists release this report saying, look, if you're planning on giving birth, then maybe think twice about asking for laughing guess during the whole thing. Because if you're climate conscious, right, you know, if you're the sort of woman who's like, you know, would you like some pain relief? No, thank you. No. I voted teal. I'm environmentally conscious.

I'll just put up with the agony instead. If you're that sort of mum, then, well, perhaps you should say no to the laughing guests. Just like we say no to going on long flights. Well, Roocastle spent years getting people to say no to, you know, single-use coffee cups. And his war on plastic straws was successful. That worked. Maybe if Roocastle goes around all the delivery rooms and suggests that women don't take pain relief, how do you think that would go down? Hey, that's a good idea.

He should front an entire new one of those woke, sanctimonious documentaries that he does, shouldn't he? And it's just called War on Mums. War on pain relief. Yeah. Playing ways of war on pain relief. War on comfort. I mean, I needed laughing gas to get through Craig Rookast's documentary. That's the irony of it.

I was sitting there pumped up on nitrous oxide just to get to 10 minutes. Thank goodness there are two men willing to discuss this issue on the podcast. Was this research conducted by? by men? Because I cannot imagine any woman who's given birth going, well, the first thing we should target, if we're going to cut down a greenhouse gases, is mum at the point of giving birth. They're the ones who are in a position to give up the pain relief, right? Yeah, you would think so. No, I did see a woman's name attached to this report, I'd have to Google the name, but I think it, you know, yeah, no, it actually, amazingly for once, it wasn't

men, you know, telling women what to do. But that's what you and I are about to do now. Yes, that's right. Yes, because I thought what we should do, because this is a very big problem. I mean, losing laughing gas, big problem not just for mums in labour, but also for, you know, the makers of Looney Tunes cartoons. Oh, yes. I think they feature a lot of laughing gas as part of the plot. They do.

They'd be worried. If you're wondering what effect laughing gas has on a person, just have a listen to this very realistic scene from that slice of life drama known as lethal weapon four. It's not It's natural I'm sad It's laughing gas We've got

So that's laughing gas Domby We need to come up with some green alternatives That we can use as pain relief Got any bright ideas Well I mean you and I have both We've both got children We've both been around for the birth process

I think what would help because I've seen the pain and it's excruciating pain it's awful, it's terrible but I think that most women giving birth if it were possible to subject the father to the exact same level of agony that the woman's going to

if you can somehow link them up so the men shared in the agony I think most women would find that so enjoyable and so diverting that they wouldn't need as much pain relief you're so right It would be the only fair way to deal with birth, wouldn't it? I think that's a genius idea because I think that is half the problem,

is that, you know, the bloke is sitting there dozing off in a chair. She's wake me when there's a baby kind of thing. Yeah, and the poor mum is just going through the most terrible hell. And he's dozing off or he's off-emaking some two-minute noodles for himself or something like that. Well, I mean, look, let me try one. I mean, I'm trying to think of environmentally friendly solutions. I sort of thought, what about some solar-powered pain relief? Oh.

You can just install a solar panel on the mum? Surely that could work, couldn't you? We just wire it in ahead of the day, a couple of solar panels into the nervous system, and, you know, perhaps that would, you know, as long as you go birth outside, I suppose, on a sunny day. Yeah, cloudy days would be awkward. Certainly when you have a caesarian, which we did,

they tend to like, for some reason, referring to that as coming out through the sunroof. So perhaps that's where the panel would go. Well, there you go. Well, what about that? Yes, yes. That's a very sensible suggestion. I mean, I also sort of thought along those lions, you know, how do you generate things without, you know, burning up fossil fuels? Yeah.

Cycling. Cycling is environmentally friendly. Oh, it is. So I thought perhaps the mum could just, you know, during labour, perch on an exercise bike. And the faster she pedals, the more drugs get pumped into her to ease the pain. Oh, that's very wise. Yeah. I'm sure there'd be nothing awkward at all about perching on a bike.

seat during the labour process. That would be able to be worked out, I'm sure. I mean, is it just nitrous oxide? Are there other gases that are less problematic? I mean, could we do air freshener? Oh, yeah, that's rather good. Would you spray? You'd have a pump pack. A bit of Glen 20.

A pump pack, a pack of lavender or something. You know, or even air a guard out of a spray can. Who did that? I don't know what it would do, but there's already insects around it. You wouldn't get any mozzy bites in the berth, that's for sure. What about Smooth FM? Oh, dummy, I think that now you're onto something.

Because, I mean, just imagine that, you know, the hypnotic voice of your Richard Wilkins, you sit back and relax and just enjoy giving birth. That's got 50 times the effect of any pain kill of a hospital is offering. Yeah. Although they don't they always say, open a bottle of wine, which would be a little awkward. They do. It's often, we're ugg boots. I hope you're snuggled up in your ugg boots.

today, maybe put your feet up. That's what I like to do on an afternoon. Well, they should tailor us for, you know, a woman in Labor, though. Birth Channel. Like, what do you want to today? Perhaps you're giving birth in a great state of agony. Perhaps your contractions have reached the point where you have to start pushing. You know, I can see this on the Smooth FM playing very well.

It would be. The smooth Labor edition. You've got a very nice kind of David Camberley-Bou-Blaish read going on there. Oh, well, I'm auditioning, dummy. I'm hoping that they'll listen to this and things that I'm the ideal candidate. That could work, anything else? What do you reckon is genius?

Well, look, I just, I mean, the ultimate green painkiller. Marijuana. The nurse should just wheel in a huge wheelbarrow full of spliffs to this poor mum and just let her chuff away. Oh, what's a good idea. And it might have impact on the baby. It probably have massive impact on the midwile. and the obstetrician delivering the baby.

But it would be very peaceful. It would be very peaceful. Make it happen, Albo. The Chaser report. Less news more often. Andrew, there's a story in the news that's been concerning. There's been another school shooting in America. It's heartbreaking, it's devastating.

There's nothing we can say. Certainly on the Chaser podcast that will in any way, you know, adequately communicate how horrible it is. But the question comes up. as it always does when there's a mass shooting in America, what can be done to stop this happening again and again and again and again week after week after week, endlessly through dozens and dozens and dozens of schools,

what can be done to resolve the problem? And they just don't seem to be able to make any progress, do they? It just seems to be no matter what happens, no matter how bad it is, the pro-gun people just, they just do not change their minds. They don't change their minds about guns, Andrew. Let's be clear. They do change their minds about other things. So I was impressed to see the lateral thinking prowess of Texas Senator Ted Cruz,

a man who's responsible for the well-being of people in Yuvaldi where this shooting took place. A man who, if he wanted to, could, you know, essentially change gun laws as a right-ring Republican and influential one. He could change gun laws, but instead he's focused on a far more important target in ending mass shootings. Here's what he had to say. Look, the killer entered here through a back door, an unlocked back door. I sat down at roundtables when we talked about what we need to do to harden schools, including not having unlocked back doors, including not having unlocked doors to classroom, having one door that goes in and out of the school, having armed police officers at that one door.

See, Andrew, it's not about the guns, it's about the doors. And I'm glad someone's finally been brave enough to say this. Well, look, I, you know, perhaps we just need Doors Plus to step in and fix this once and for all. Is that the answer? I mean, Doors plus police. It's never the gun's fault. It's never the gun's fault with these people. This is the extraordinary thing, is it, you know, oh, there's been a thing, terrible thing happened because of a gun.

And everything else is to blame except for the gun. I mean, what's he going to blame next? Like, feet, you know, maybe feet are a problem because the shooter has, had feet to walk around on. And hands too. I kind of feel like these pro-gun people would sooner cut off everyone's feet to make them less mobile

than actually just ban the gun, which would solve the problem. But Andrew, it made me think. I mean, what if we went a step further? He's advocating a world with one door in and out of a school, which would be very good in the case of a mass shooting, not so good in the event of a fire

or another emergency inside the school, but the one door, what if schools had no doors? Well, yeah, yeah. If these, if these government are getting in and out the doors? What if they built schools without a single door? Hey, by extension, Dommy, I can see, I can see the logic there. I can imagine it wouldn't be beyond a pro-gun person actually to propose that everybody gets lifted into the bloody school with a cherry picker at the start of the day.

Is that what these people want? That would be good. Or you could sort of have a ladder that was then retracted away. That could be good. Oh, my God. And you know, if you took this logic further, Andrew, I mean, work with me on this. You would never have a school shooting again ever in America if there were no schools. Well, look, listening to some of the pro-gun people, I think they may have already started that, Dommy, long ago. I mean, does a single one of these people have an education?

Certainly not in logic. Or children, you could simply have no more. If you sterilise everybody in America, the problem would go away in about 17 years. Again, the crazy thing about you suggesting these solutions, dummy, that a comic exaggeration or whatever or satirical exaggeration these are not unrealistic I reckon in the minds of these gun lobby people

I honestly would not be surprised if tomorrow in the news I look at the newspaper and it says oh you know Ted Cruz or Donald Trump suggests sterilizing all Americans so that the ones who are still here can carry around their fucking big dick

AR-15s that they think they need and no other country in the world seems to need. But there is a simpler solution, which was staring at us for the past few years, distance learning. I mean, every child was at home for the past couple of years in much of the world, certainly in Australia. Yeah. In America, they could simply just have kids on Zoom all day. That'd make them healthy and well-balance, wouldn't it? Actually, you know, that's actually quite a reasonable solution.

I don't mind the sound of that. They'd be very unhappy. The parents would hate us. Maybe the parents, if you had that, if that was your approach, the people would be so angry about the distance learning. that they would ban guns. Have you submitted these... I'm working on a proposal. The other thing is that we always hear

what you need to stop a bad guy with a gun as a good guy with a gun. Now, in the fact of this actual case, that was proven definitively untrue. But anyway, what if we took this to another level and every school was also a gun dealership so that what you had was that throughout the entire day, every schoolyard was also full of, you know,

lots and lots of middle-aged men trying out guns, you've got fantasies about themselves being macho superheroes. Wouldn't that be a safer model? This must have already be the case, I'm sure. In Texas. Again, again, it would not surprise me in the least if it turned out that there was an American school where you could just, you know, at lunchtime go to the cafeteria

and, you know, buy some ammunition. Is that probably right? All right, I've got one more suggestion. And this would actually work, I think, if they just wanted to consider this. What if, Andrew, they sent every child in America overseas between the ages of five and 17 years old to get an education in any other country

because no other country has this problem. Dommy, this, I think you may be onto something here that they get, and they'd also get to see, wouldn't they? Because they'd get to go to another country and go, oh, I see. We don't need to have this huge fucking problem that's been caused by greedy idiots with the, who received money from the gun lobby.

Amazing. Who would have thought that this was possible? I think we've fixed it, Andrew. You're welcome, America. I hope you were listening to this podcast, were you? GOP. Ted Cruz. Are they among our listeners? Are they subscribers? If you are a member of the Republican Party,

please go to Apple Podcast and write a review and give us the appropriate number of stars for the quality of these suggestions. Our gear is from road microphones. We're part of the ACAST creator network and we'll catch you next time on the Chaser Report.