The Chaser Report - Happy Liberation Day!

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

Melbourne is free! Well, free-ish. Within a 25km radius. Also we become the world's most popular news website, Craig once again plays/rubbishes our news game 'Cat's Pyjamas or Cat's Piss' – as though 'Win The Week' were a better title – and the interns write poems to add a touch of culture and class to the podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Thursday, the 10th of June. A huge day for Victoria at 1159pm, the lockdown ends. I don't know why they didn't go with midnight, Charles, had to be specifically 1159. Well, I think there's, to give them an extra minute to get into the pub and start licking their friends' faces and things. Maybe the pubs are closing at midnight, so there's one minute just to start moving and then you can't get in. Congratulations, Victoria, you got through this. Yes, we said you had this.

Yeah, I mean, there are still a few rules, though. You're not allowed to go further than 25 kilometres from your home. And why would you? The coffee's terrible 25 kilometres from your home. And, but also, you're not allowed to go within 25 kilometres of Brett Sutton. Oh. Because he's so smoking hot. He's a thirst trap.

With that beard that, well, it's just medically sound. Yeah, that all be drooling and drooling spreads COVID. But speaking of Brett Sutton, the chief health officer, he had two criteria, Charles, for Melbourne avoiding lockdown 5.0. Oh, yeah. Firstly, that Australia's vaccine rollout continued to really accelerate at pace. Oh. That's not going to happen.

No, definitely not going to happen. But the second one is that the fit-for-purpose quarantine facility would be built by the feds and it would all work okay. Well, that's not going to happen either. Yeah, forget that. Oh. So you may as well book it in now, Melbourne. And lockdown 5.0 coming soon.

In about one month's time, probably. Actually, I think I've got a solution for Victoria. Really? Yes. I know how they can never have a lockdown ever again. You just close the land border to Adelaide. Well, no, it's a seed from the whole of Australia. That's a brilliant idea.

Not just Adelaide, the whole place. Like, actually, just make it like your own socialist republic of Victoria. So rather than people in Melbourne going, oh, you'd never want to go to Sydney. Just make it so that actually they can't. You can't. You can't go to fix it. We've got a vix it on. You could declare war on Adelaide for bringing in the virus in the first place.

Maybe seek reparations, stuff like that. Yeah, bring back all the AFL clubs from Brisbane and Sydney. That's what they've wanted to do anyway. You could ban all the stupid Sydney journalists who came down during lockdown to ask stupid questions of all your government ministers. No, Peter Credlin. No, Peter Credlin. No, Peter Cretlin.

Yes, arrest her. Put her on trial. A show trial. A show trial. You get her in front of Dictator Dan. Yes, I love it. And you could make an alliance with New Zealand. Oh, big idea.

They're close together. They've got the same shitty weather. Same jealousy issue with Sydney. It's a natural fit, right? I can see why that would work from Victoria's perspective. But what's in it for New Zealand? They're the best in the world at beating COVID. What would they take old leaky pants Melbourne on board?

No, but it's actually the rest of Australia that's been dragging Victoria. down this whole time. Okay. Yeah, and anyway, the main advantage is that, you know, Melbourneians could finally solve the problem of which city is the best city in Australia. Yes. How would they do that?

Well, it'd be Auckland, wouldn't it? We've got a big show coming up. The interns are going to do some poetry. Apparently, they think that our podcast so far has been without culture, so they're going to fix it as only they can. Yes, and I'm going to do a cat's piece or cat's pajamas with Christ. even though he really doesn't like the game. So he hates the segment.

I normally do the segment. And so at the time when I wasn't there, you did it anyway? Yes, I did it anyway. Oh dear. He's going to crucify you. Yes. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Danno Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. A massive internet outage took out many of the world's top news websites on Tuesday night.

The Australian government said they are shocked they were not to blame for the internet fucking up for once. The National War Memorial has announced a brand new, interactive war crime simulator with hopes it will help children learn about the joys of being in the Australian Defence Forces. As part of the overhaul, the War Memorial gift shop will start selling prosthetic leg drinking cups and erasers to use on the Geneva Conventions. Scott Morrison has prayed extra hard that someone might do something to help the Bilauela family suffering in offshore detention. Mr Morrison said he wished that whichever idiot was responsible for the suffering of the family would finally step up and do something about it.

That's the latest headlines from Australia's only news source with a reliable website. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans show at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at fizz.ca. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by war crimes. If it's good enough for the ADF, it's good enough for us. War crimes. Everyone's doing them. Now, Dom, I've been a bit worried about how crude and lewd this podcast has become in the last few days. I know. Every day when I uploaded, I have to tick the explicit box.

It's just really embarrassing. Can't we do a classier, perhaps artsier podcast, Charles? Well, I'm glad you asked because what I've done is I've asked the interns to actually come up with some poetry. I think we can actually make this quite a highbrow affair. Now, Lachlan, what have you brought to the table? So I actually did a quarter of an English degree, and so I'm really, yeah, yeah, really. I'm a big fan of Shakespeare, and so I thought I'd put together a sonnet.

Oh, I love poem. Oh, that's very sweet, Lachlan. See, this is more highbrow. This is the sort of thing that our audience is, want. We could be number one in the poetry podcast charts. We keep this up. Let's just get to a higher plane, shall we?

All right, Charles and Dom. I'll take you away. Should this meeting end for the sun doth set, and cabinets exit be uniquely frank, perhaps I shall come to you, sweet desk, for my loins desire a cheeky wank. But soft, what light through yonder willow breaks, beholding thy beauty, I do succumb to your supple frame and smooth, lacquered face, soon to be glazoned by my own come. It's beautiful. Open wide and spread thy four legs of pine.

Praise to IKEA for such handicraft. I'll thrust inside thy party's bottom line till thou know's of no member but my shaft. And with three strokes, I let out my release, atop a trophy inscribed, I stopped these. How'd I go? Oh, no. It's horrible. What? That is horrible. It was completely inappropriate, although I have to admit,

very impressive of your Ironbeck pentameter, Loughlin. But other than that, it was disgraceful. Thank you, don't for noticing. Come on, that's not going to work. Gabby, can you please lift the tone of this podcast? You're a lyricist, you're a, you write musical theatre. You can bring this home artistically. No, you can.

It was a brisk night in 97. Sadness was in the air. The Sharkees had lost the grand final, and I was in despair. I heard my stomach rumble I felt my hunger grow I took myself to Engadine where the golden archers glow But then a state of panic

As I walked into the store The rumbling was not that of hunger But that of the calls of my back door And before I could react Before I even had the chance It was too late There was no time I had publicly shat my pants

And though this adversity Left me feeling sinister It didn't stop me from becoming The 30th Prime Minister Oh, Gabby. Although that was very vivid imagery. I mean, I felt I was transported there. That's the poem's job.

But it smelled so bad, Gabby. It smelled so bad. Come on, that's not appropriate. I think we should get Alexa up because I think Alex is a bit more... He looks poetic. He's not in the gutter. He's got a moustache and beautifully coiffed hair. I think he's going to finally deliver the class that we want.

Yeah. Oh, thanks for the high hopes. I hope. I hope this works out. I've done a high... Ku. Oh, yeah, what about? Yeah, um, it's about our esteemed, um, health minister Greg Hunt and some of the tweets that he's liked in the past. That sounds safe. Yeah, it's a quick one. Here we go. Um, oh, that you were mine, my sweet, come dumpster 69. No, no, no, no, it leaks it, no. This is over. They all got to finish theirs. This is over.

No, no, do we get a second chance? No. No. The Chaser report. News a few days after it happens. So Craig has dropped in And also the interns Xander and Alexa here Hello Hi As it's time to play Cats pyjamas or Cats Piss Cats Pajamas

Or Cats Piss Yes this is a very simple game Where you've just got to say Simple game made complex I'll read out a news story The name explains it all And you've got to decide whether it's cats' pyjamas Good or cat's piss, bad?

So you understand that cat's pyjamas are good thing, guys, right? Cat's piss is a bad thing. Cat's pyjamas is a well-known phrase from the 1870. But my cat would, like, kick off pyjamas. My cat would hate wearing pajamas. And yet your cat needs to piss to live. I mean, this is a complex thing. It's misleading, Charles, anyway.

If it makes it easier for you dumbos, like Craig, we can call this game show good or bad. Hang on, hang on, which is the positive one. Okay, first story. The US Food and Drug Administration has been forced to issue a warning to be able to not eat cicadas if you have a seafood allergy. So I don't know whether you know, but in the US at the moment, billions of cicadas have just come to hatch because it happens once every 17 years. And people are going around eating cicadas, right? And they're sort of a delicacy on fine dining restaurants and things.

Rich people eat them. Yeah. And so this is why they've had to issue this warning. Why? Because are they like seafood? They're related to prawns and lobsters, apparently. But cicadas are really small. That's like a mouthful.

Hang in a second. So, Charles, I think this is, you must have known this is a good or bad story, Caspis or Casper Jamas, right? So you're asking me to assess whether or not it's good or bad that the American Food and Drug Administration is trying to save their population from being poisoned. This is a really tough one. I mean, it's really good go either way here, Charles. I'm asking to whether it was a good story or not.

And so eating cicada. It's good or bad. That's the question. Oh, you want to know about the eating cicadas, not about the specific warnings of this. I mean, you should have made that clearer. So I think that eating of cicadas is good unless you have, from my understanding, the story, some kind of seafood allergy, right? So could I summarize in the frame of the show? Eating cicadas is cat's pajamas unless you have a seafood allergy, in which case it's cats' piss.

And is that how the FDA put it out? Because did they go, what's the class? The clearest way we communicate this to people. Why don't we put a picture of eating a cicada, and next to it, we put a cat in pajamas. And then below that we put a person of somebody with seafood. I don't know how we convey that. Next to cat's pissing. And that will communicate clearly to the people in America.

Okay, second story, some idiots or whatever. Like some, you know, hoteliers have designed and built an all-glass skypool in London are between two skyscrapers. It's 40 metres in the air. And 15 metres of the pool is just pure glass above, you know, 40 meters of the air. Hanging in the air. You just swim in it and look down to the ground. And the slogan for it is,

combine your fear of heights with your fear of drowning. So is that cat's piss or cats' pajamas? How high are the sides of the pool? They're very high. I've seen a photo of them. Because that was my worry is, you know, you'd look out the things. and you'd be tempted to fall out. That was your worry.

My worry was swimming in a pool and it's shattering and suddenly pulling to the ground. I was thinking, you know that game Marco Polo where you close your eyes? Oh, yeah. Like, what if you just like deliberately were like, Polo? And someone's like, Marco! The old fish out of water part of Marco Polo is very dangerous. So we're saying Catspeas, are we?

Look, it looks amazing. It's the most frightening thing I think I've ever seen. Would you go in it? No, no. I would not go in it. Would you go and... I'd give it. Depends how deep it was.

I've had a little diving board, maybe. It might be nice. That's your concern? Your entry point is the concern? Story number three. Somebody posted a photo of themselves holding some blue cheese on a group chat service. And... Charles, have you looked these up in the news,

or have you literally just looked in your WhatsApp for the stories? No, and then they got nabbed by the police, and are now locked up for 13 years by Liverpool Crown Court on supply of cocaine and conspiracy to supply. like heroin. The police sort of nabbed him because they looked at his hands on the blue cheese and worked out his fingerprints by looking at the fingerprints in the photo. But hang in a second. Was there a rat in the group chat?

Yeah. Was there a link between the blue cheese and the coke? No, just that he had his hand in that photo. He was just sharing with his friends. Oh, I bought some blue cheese. The photo, you could see his fingerprints in the photo. And the police went, scan the fingerprints. And then went, oh, that's the guy who's been dealing cocaine and heroin.

This sounds like a covert ad for the iPhone 12. I was going to say, this is like, the camera's so HD, you can see fingerprints. The chat service that he was using was this encrypted chat service called Encro Chat. And apparently it wasn't very well encrypted because the police managed to tap into it. And they've now managed to nab 60,000 people around the world who are all using this. That's amazing. But you know what I think is the problem with using Enco, what was it called? Encro chat.

Look, if some dude took a photo of themselves holding a piece of blue cheese and put it on Twitter, the police aren't going through every one of those and going, let's assess this guy's fingerprint. The idiocy of it is going on something is clearly like you go, I need an incredibly encrypted thing, because I'm a criminal. I think the police have probably set up this chat thing. It's like, oh, it's so easy. They just come here. They put their photos with their blue cheese.

Do you think the chat was called, like, post cheese picks? Like, what's the context for him posting a photo of blue cheese? You guys never done your cheese photos before. Sorry, man, are we behind? Is this un-cooled? Yeah, it's huge. It's a big, it's a big meme now. This is a great story.

I think cats, cats' pyjamas to... Well done. But cats piss to whoever ratted him out. I kind of feel bad for the guy. I don't know. Is that involved in the schemer of how we judge the story? Again, again, no one understands how this works. Surely there must be other things.

For him to have been caught, one, the police already need his fingerprints, right? Yeah. Like, surely this is the nail in the coffin. They got the fingerprints from this... But what are they matching? Did you hear Charles's reading? No, no, but just because they have his fingerprints. Doesn't mean they can be like, all right.

He's got fingerprints. They looked on you. We're throwing him in prison. Yeah. I think the point is he was also using that same account to deal heroin and cocaine. But they didn't find out. Oh, was that the detail you missed out. That was just the detail you missed out.

Charles was like, man, you can get done for cheese nowadays. Oh, Charles, did you read the next paragraph? No, man. My attention spans are really low for news. So basically they're following, and this is a takeaway for the audience. I know there's a lot of heroin traffickers in it. If you are trafficking heroin on a particular site, don't use that same app to post pictures of you holding blue cheese with your finger.

Yeah, that would be Catspice. That would be Catspice. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch. in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Once again, this episode of The Chaser Report is brought through by... Be! Get down! This is a ray! This is a right! Get down! Dom, I've made a terrible mistake. Which one are you talking about?

I've decided to renovate my kitchen. Why? I don't know. But it means I spent my entire weekend last weekend going through all the model numbers of all the different appliances. Do you know how hard it is? Do you know how stupid every appliance is? Oh, it's the ultimate middle-class dilemma, Charles.

And in fact, I've even made a sketch about how confusing all the model number names are. Hi, I'd like to buy a dishwasher, please. Certainly, sir. Were you after an SMU-4-6GS-01A, or were you more thinking of an SMU-6-6-M-0-2A, or perhaps even an SMP-6-6-X-01A? Uh, well, what's the difference? What do you mean?

What's the difference between those dishwashers? You're kidding, right? No. Well, the SMU 66MS02A has an aquasensor super silence eco-drive, while the SMP6MX01A has an aquasilance eco-sensor super-drive. It's really quite simple. So which one's better? Well, depends what you're after?

I mean, are you more of the aquasilence eco-sensor super-sensor super-drive kind of person or an aquasensor-sensor-Eco-drive type person? That's personal preference. So, which one cleans better? Well, the SMU-66MS-Ns02A has eye on. on energy cleaning pressuriser while the SMP66MX-01A uses inductive thermo-cleans technology. Yeah, but which machine results in cleaner dishes? Depends.

On what? On which one you're using? Look, I'll just buy this one. The SMU 66MS 02A? All right. Hey, Gary, got a customer here who wants the SMU 66MS 02A. Oh, you're kidding! I'm serious, he's right here.

I'm sorry, is there something wrong with it? Oh, no, no, not at all, and that's fine. Yeah, that'll be $1,200, please. Are you sure it's all right? It's fine. Darling, did you get a dishwasher? Yeah, I went with this one. You bought an SMU 66M S02A?

How could you? What? I'm sorry, I put up with it when you bought a VDE45W vented tumble dryer. And I didn't say anything when you came home with that HBG-672BS1A oven, but an SMU 66MS02A. Goodbye, Charles. But I still don't understand the difference.

You never did, Charles. You never did. Ah, here you go, the SMU 66MS02A. I told him it was fine. Just before we go, Charles, I just wanted to congratulate you. Oh, really? Why? Well, you run the chaser website. Yes.

So earlier this year, it was Australia's most. popular news website after Facebook shut down all the others. Yeah. But last night it became the... Look, I don't think you need to worry about, you know, that Facebook shut down all the others. I don't... That's the detail that I'd never tell people.

Okay. It's just, it became, for a little while, Australia's most popular website. Well, last night, it became the world's most popular news website after the fastly distribution network thing went down and things like the New York Times and the Guardian all went down. The Daily Mail was still up, but that's not a news website, so it doesn't qualify. That's a sort of satirical comedy website. It's very funny.

Yeah, it's very funny. They did a good work with those guys. We should talk to them. But no, Chase, it was number one, not only in all of our hearts, but actually in reality last night. So well done. Yeah, thank you. We actually published, while we had that monopoly, a list of all the corrupt activities of

the Australian federal government, very long list, and it did extremely well. So I think we're just going to go into hard-hitting truthful journalism for now on. Can we have a little bit of a chat about what news sites do? Oh. It's not that. Oh, no, no. You've got the wrong end of a stick. Oh, damn.

What you need to do is employ a whole bunch of columnists that blow smoke up the government's ass. Yes. And then they'll give you money. Oh, no, that's a much better model. What they'll do is they'll pay you money to televise obscure a sport that no one watches on your pay TV arm. Yes, and then we can also charge them again for broadcasting it anyway on the ABC. That's a perfect model. I'm going to do that.

I mean, the Chaser really is Australia's public broadcaster. You can find more news at the world's most popular news website, chaser.com. com.com. You can follow us on all the socials. And don't forget to leave a five-star review using the special code word number one in the world. Catch you tomorrow here on the Chaser report. With thanks to road microphones for our gear, we are part of the ACAS CRADA Network. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.