The Chaser Report - Happy Picnic Day!

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

Picnics are back - but while Charles and Dom are keen to get outside, Gabbi is anything but enthusiastic. Plus in honour of the 20th anniversary of 9/11 John shares some of his favourite pro-military propaganda aired by Disney, and Aleksa recounts a moment when a very special part of him died too. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This weekend marks 20 years to the day since the release of Nickelback's Silver Side Up album. Moving on is an easy. But we've got to try. I feel like I'm forgetting something. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report.

It is Monday the 13th of September, 2021, a day that will forevermore be known in the history of the great state of New South Wales as picnic day. I'm Dom Knight. We've got Gabby Bolt and Charles Firth and Gabby and Charles, happy picnic day. Oh, shut up.

This is the day. You all know how I feel about this. I've been so excited about this. Oh, I bet you are. I bet you've got fucking quince paste and cheese and grapes and you're going to let all of that sugary, juicy shit on the ground for the ants to enjoy. It's such a waste. You know that there's this thing at parks now, Gabby, called chairs and tables.

Have you ever heard of this concept? Yeah, I have. But the thing is, if everyone's going out for a picnic, Charles, I'm not one to arrive to a park early. And so when I get there, they're all going to be taken, aren't they? And I'm too non-confrontational to go up and be like, oi, move. Well, there is good news, which is today it's overcast with the forecast of rain for most of the day in New South Wales. So, you don't have to go on a picnic because none of us can.

Because we have the notional freedom of picnics without any of the hassles of actually having to go on one or be able to. I refuse to let bad weather and unpleasantness ruin my picnic. Charles, do you want to go on a picnic? I'll get takeaway burgers. and we can huddle under some sort of rain shelter in absolute misery. Yeah. But nevertheless, enjoy the fact that we're allowed to. And thumb our nose, thumb our nose at the virus that got us into this place in the first place.

And we're doubly vaccinated. Yeah. So there's a non-trivial chance we could still infect each other. But it doesn't matter because it's picnic day, Charles, it's picnic day. Counter-offer, you could get all the food that you would eat on a picnic. and you can put it on a plate in your house, and then you can eat it wherever you like because you have the absolute luxury of eating indoors.

That actually sounds like a much better idea. I think I might just do that, Dom. I'm sorry, you go to the park on your own. I think I'm just going to stay at home, actually. Good. I'm glad I could persuade one of you. There's a really good pizza shop near here, and they deliver to home.

Like, why would I want to eat pizza in a park when I could eat it at home on the sofa in front of the TV? I should get into politics. That was too easy. The other big change today, just not nearly as important as picnic days, there are no more 11 a.m. press conferences, and we won't really keep track of the numbers because they're going to be too terrifying and scary.

So that's what the Premier decided also from today. So no more numbers. Let's just blissfully blunder on into more cases. I wish the government took the stance of no more numbers when I was doing Year 11 general maths. That would have been really helpful. And just to clarify, this is only in New South Wales where the outbreak is the worst, isn't it, Don?

I mean, obviously, you know, in all the other states, they'll still be doing sort of daily briefings. Yeah, Victoria, ACT, no plans to stop briefings. You could sum that all up as they'll be doing work. Well, the Premier actually said last week on Friday when she announced this, the 11am press conference was getting in the way of her work. Oh, did it? Yeah. Oh, did him.

Oh, Gladys, babe, take a break, darling. You know what, take a break. Actually, take a long break. Yeah, take a like a permanent break. A permanent picnic. 10 year, 15 years. You know, how long until I'm dead? Probably about 65 years.

It's like a 65-year break, Gladys. Life's a picnic, guys. It's really tough fronting the media each day. You know, it much prefer to... You know what? Something's just occurred to me, which is that if she is tired of these press conferences, someone else could actually be Premier and do that job. I wonder if she's thought of that idea.

I've been thinking one step ahead of you, Dom. I'm actually the Premier now. I don't know if anyone's told you this. I've been sort of behind the scenes sneaking my idea. into New South Wales Health. Did you know that actually tomorrow's 11am health person briefing is actually going to have a two-act Broadway show attached? And it's going to be called Picnics Fucking Suck!

On today's show, terrible news from the world of one of our team members, Alexis, genitalia, his penis is broken. It's a cautionary tale for you, men, young and old. And Gabby will be sitting out that, Ray, because she doesn't want to hear about it. I've got a bone to pick with you in the outro, Charles. You've got a broken boner to pick in the outro? No. And John has been looking at some of the history behind 9-11

and has apparently a nice big historical piece on broken penises and 9-11. All the towers are coming down today. But first, let's go to Rebecca Deanna Muno in the Chastin Newsroom. The New South Wales government has announced the end to daily COVID presses starting today, stating that the problem is now completely solved if you ignore the whole hospitals being overrun with patients thinging. The press conferences will instead be replaced with a looped recording of the Premier saying,

Can I just say? Health bodies across the world have encouraged doctors to prescribe ivermectin for patients refusing the COVID vaccine after it was said to cause male infertility. Researchers say that while the drug does nothing to prevent the coronavirus, at least it will stop idiots from reproducing.

The Pfizer Corporation have been told it's their own fault. that Health Minister Greg Hunt failed to return their emails for two months in the middle of last year. A spokesperson for the government said that if Pfizer had really wanted to get the attention of Hunt, they should have tried tweeting at him from a porn account on Twitter. When asked a comment about this story, Greg Hunt said he'd get back to us in 14 months' time. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust.

Thanks to the federal government's botched handling of the vaccine rollout, I'm a hollow husk of a human being formerly known as Rebecca Dayuna, Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at FIS.ca. Here at the Chase Report, we'd like to take a moment to mourn for the tragedy of 9-11. in 1297 when Scottish rebel William Wallace was defeated in battle by the English Never forget the terrible loss that the world faced that day Never forget So obviously this weekend was the anniversary of 9-11

And John, I hear you've done some research Hi, because of the 20th anniversary of 9-11 I thought I'd look back at some of the messaging around 9-11 Especially in America And the inspirational stuff that has come out from America And I found an ad campaign from two 2002 that I thought was really powerful and beautiful. I thought I should show you some of the stuff I found.

Fantastic. Hello, I'm Laura Bush. All across the country, everywhere I look, I see an American flag. It's wonderful to see. It stands for the rights of many people, religions, and beliefs. That's what freedom's all about. And that's a flag worth flying high. People like you express themselves every day on Disney Channel.

What? What? There was an ad by the first lady for the Disney Channel. Yeah, so that ran on Disney Channel in 2002. Oh, my God. People looked back at it recently and figured out that it actually started, the campaign started at the same time America was secretly trying to push through invading Iraq. They made a propaganda campaign on the Disney Channel aimed at children for some reason.

I know what you might be thinking. It's really weird to have Laura Bush talking to all these kids. But don't worry. He's only in one of the ads. Right, okay. Because who wants to hear from Laura Bush, when you can hear from stars of things like 7th Heaven or Lizzie McGuire. No.

There's an entire ad that is just Shaila Buff. I'm going to play a clip from now. Giving their opinion on patriotism. Yeah, I'll just show you the clip and you can see what I mean. I wrote a poem about it. Mind if I was called One Man. Me is only one man. How do I stop all this hate?

How can I replace it with love instead of sealing my fate? Why would you cut yourself short? just because of another person's actions. Instead, give help, love, and there would be no need for a weapon. So remember, life is only as good as you make it. Us as Americans, we will make it. I think through this pain I've learned a powerful lesson that it's awesome to be an American citizen.

I hated every second of that. And it's not because it's a kid doing poetry, which already fills me with enough rage anyway. It's just not even a good poem. poem. There was no, there's no rhyme. There was no rhythm. It was terrible. There was no performance. It was just, I love America. I love it. Do you know I love America? Did you know that America is, I love it. I love America. Gabby, you missed it. Well, because I watched the whole two minute thing and I cut it down. I cut most of the poem out of the poem. Okay. One part I

did want to write down to bring up with you is it does have a rhyming scheme, but it just doesn't follow it well. In that clip I show, there's a part where he rhymes, take actions and put down weapon. No. So clearly he was supposed to just put weapons and didn't. But then there's one part as well where he rhymed the word lesson with citizen. Yes, I noticed that. Also, who at Disney decided that they needed to get a 15 year old child above? To weigh in. To write a two-minute poem. Yeah. I think we should bring back more propaganda in between kids shows. Like, Yes. Why isn't there ads with starring Bluey that are just running like coll ads?

Yes. I've always wondered, you know, which side Scooby-Doo is on. There's another one that's again, a lot of testimonials, but the opening alone made me laugh. So I got just the opening of it. Okay. That I think fully encapsulates why this campaign is weird. Express themselves every day on Disney Channel. It does help to talk about September 11th.

Oh, La Lane, what did they do to you? You know, she was my favourite on Lizzie McGuire. Not only is it obviously an egregious oversteer of propaganda with kids, but it's also just like not something Australia would ever do purely for the cringe factor. I can see Scott Morrison doing it. I can see Scott Morrison totally doing it. I can see the entire country going, well, this is cringy as far. This is exactly where we're heading.

This is Scott Morrison's Australia, Gabby. No, I know, but the public will never buy into it. What I'm saying is, In America, these ads probably were met with bunches and bunches of parents, particularly being like, well, isn't that nice? America is lovely. But in Australia, if Skobor has an organized campaign being like, well, he probably did.

How good is Australia? The entire country would be like, can you get fucked? Get fucked. Shut up. Stop talking. One thing I did find, just as a coincidence, while I was researching this ad campaign, was that it's not the only thing that Disney Channel has done about 9-11. Oh, God.

There was a 2004 Disney Channel original movie That I'm going to play a clip of the trailer for now No, there wasn't You are an idiot brat Not a brat, okay? Maddie came aboard looking for her dad What she found I have to make an announcement

That at approximately 8 a.m. Eastern Standard Time The nation has gone on full alert Was a hero So to clarify They did a movie about what it would be like to be a kid of an army general during 9-11. And when I say during 9-11,

I mean literally during the attack. Yeah, right. What's it called? It's called Tiger Cruise. What? What? Movie plot aside, what is he supposed to do from a ship?

The actual movie is about her learning about the September 11 attacks and that's when she realizes that she was being Brady and there's a bigger picture here. I hate this. I hate this. I hate it. And it got rave reviews from American critics.

Of course it did. However, non-Americans did not like the movie. Yeah. I'm shocked. Give it an Oscar. So which streaming service can we see this on, John? I would assume Disney Plus would have to have it, wouldn't they? I've got to watch this film today.

You know what? Watching all that 9-11 stuff over the weekend made me realize what a brat I've been. Yeah. And I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm just going to turn my life around now. Wow. I'm proud of you, Charles. I'm going to go and murder some Iraqis now.

Oh. See you. Well, you can do it. in the name of Disney. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chase's Report is sponsored by 9-11. The sports car by Porsche. 0 to 100 in 2.7 seconds, the Porsche 9-11 is guaranteed to stand out on the road and in the city. Now only $250,000 drive away. Now there's a story that's been doing the rounds in the office, Charles,

and I'm sure you know the one that I mean, the one about Alexa. It's been whispered about, it's been talked about, and I think it's time we found out the details and shared them with our listeners. Alexa, get in here. Hello, hello. Thanks for having me. No, no, thank you. So yeah, this is a story about my penis Foot flatly

I was really hoping to tuck it away Until it became politically relevant But unfortunately that hasn't happened yet So I guess now is a good time as any There's never a bad time And look To give the listeners some context We haven't heard this story

Well at least I haven't I haven't either No I just heard a vague summary Which was intriguing Yeah and which Gabby is strangely Very interested in as well So pretty she's not here today actually.

Yes, she was very keen that we cover this in the episode. But that hasn't stopped me from telling the story to lots of friends and family, Alexa. So even though I don't know it, I'm sort of extrapolated from the hints I've got. I can contextualise it. Men are generally bad at talking about their emotions and their bodies and their physical problems. It's not something that we do well. So let's model some positive male behaviour by talking about Alex's junk. And not laughing.

No, of course, not. Support, friendship and brotherhood is what this is all about. Thanks for being so considerate. This was a very tumultuous time in my life. The story goes back to when I was a 15-year-old, and I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend. And as with lots of things that age, were quite ambitious and reckless, and specifically to do with sexual positions, we were just trying a lot of stuff that maybe we shouldn't have been trying, and one thing led to another. And in the middle of the act, I heard this annoy. there was just like a sound and it wasn't particularly painful but it was so disconcerting

and um what essentially happened is that um her full body weight came down on my on my penis and um ever since then there was a tiny little kink so at a certain point it just like tilted a few degrees to the left and um and i was fine with that um i'd watched a lot of porn in those days and there are a lot of a lot of shapes and sizes out there. So this wasn't a particular issue for me. But the real clincher happened a year later. Now, it gets quite graphic. I don't know if I need a warn listeners about this.

Probably. Actually, hold on. If there are any kids in the car listening to this, just turn it up a little bit. Yes, because they need to know what experimentation can lead to. Yeah, that's right. No, it is important because it's quite a confronting thing to see. So maybe it's nice to hear that someone else went through it.

um so at that point when i was 16 um everything above that little kink just suddenly died what yeah i had was what essentially was like i guess a medieval flail so you have like that hard base and then the rest of it was just like a chain with a oh my god with a like um with a spikey ball at the end the bonged people on the head with it was it was mortifying um how worried what did it look like was it did it turn black i'll send you some pictures no no no it was completely um It was completely fine. Like, it all looked normal. Just whenever it was erect, the top was still flaccid.

Oh, no. I just had like a half a wrecked penis. And it scared the crap out of me. And I was like, I had no idea what it was. And at first, I was like 16 and I assumed maybe I was just unfit. Like, I wasn't particularly chubby or anything, but I thought maybe I, maybe everyone else just does heaps more exercise than I do. But in that particular area or just in general,

we were imagining bench pressing weights were going to fix things. Yeah, doing some penis curls. Well, to be fair. the end of it was just so, so loose and flaccid that I probably could tie it around to wait. Oh my God. And maybe do that. But no, so what I started doing, I just started sprinting. So, like, every day I was killing myself just, like, running as fast as I could constantly for, like, three months.

And nothing changed. And I still resent that to this day. I don't think anyone should be running for no reason. This is so symbolic of what men do, Alex. So they just run away from their problems instead of confronting them. But it got even worse when I confronted it. So I went to the doctor as a 16-year-old, just wondering what I could do, like whether I was just going to have a half penis for the rest of my life. And so he diagnosed it, and it's a thing called Peronis, which is the same name as the ear, which I guess is also linked to erectile dysfunction.

So the idea is that you, I mean, do you guys know how the penis works? Probably not in enough detail to understand this story. So, like, it's full of little sacks that fill up with blood in order to get an erection. but if you snap them, they get replaced with scar tissue, which isn't as elastic. So essentially all the sacks be filling up with blood when you get an erection apart from everything past that scar tissue point. Oh no. And there's not really a cure.

You had a bottleneck. Yeah, exactly. And what ends up happening is that people get prosthetic penises, which I thought was the coolest thing at the time. Like that sounded amazing to me. It was like, you've got like an extra little. pump underneath your ball sack and you just like, you just press it a couple of times and it fills your penis with saline solution and you've got an erection.

That's clever. Yeah, it's amazing. But I didn't, I had no access to that because I asked my doctor, you know, what can I do? What are the solutions to this? And then you asked me if I was sexually active. And I mean, in my head, I want to say like, well, obviously not, but you know, I'd like to be. But as a 16 year old, I didn't, I couldn't really communicate that properly. So I was just like, no, no, I'm not.

And he goes to me, he's just like, okay, well, come back when you get a girlfriend. And that was it. And I left, and that became just an in-choke with all my friends, whenever anyone need to help with anything. We'd always be like, come back when you get a girlfriend, mate. But I was one of the lucky ones in that. I think, like, a small percentage, like 5% of bales, it just fixes on its own. And, yeah, after about a year, it got back to normal.

Nature is healing. So I never came back, even when I did have a. girlfriend yeah that is that is extraordinary that is so much better than what i've been telling my friends stories i'm going to dine out on that story for months the worst part is is that i just take it for granted like i'm i'm still being a complete idiot like bashing my penis into walls like i completely forgot about that year of trauma like it was it was horrendous like i was essentially asexual that it's all i'm like i didn't even find anyone attractive i don't it has like wild repercussions

Just look after your penis, Alex I just treasure it treasure it, care for it, nurture it if you must. Well, it's really good that we're recording this on Are You Okay Day? That's true. Is your penis okay day?

They should have a penis day. Are you okay downstairs day? I suppose every day is penis day. Yeah, it's true. Well, look, we've talked a lot about other things. We've talked about people wanking on desks probably dozens of times so far this year.

But I'm glad we've looked at the other side of the penis as well. Thank you, Alex. Thank you. The Chaser Report is sponsored by September 11. Dr Chris Brown's birthday. Happy birthday, Chris. Hope you enjoyed your weekend, buddy.

Give me a call. It's been a while. I have a bone to pick with Charles and he's conveniently not here. I think he's escaped. He's gone on for a picnic. He changed his mind. Yeah, all right.

Okay. So I take two days off work, right? Two measly days off work. And I can expect my name to not be dragged through the mud in that time. Well, I listened to some of the podcasts while I was away for a week, Gabby. And I wouldn't say that was how you treated me, but anyway. I suppose that's true. However, I did not out you as the office predator in an interview.

That interview with Alexa. Okay, so Charles said something along the lines of Gabby is particularly interested in this story and then sort of like laughed about how interested I was in Alexa's penis story. No, the thing that interested me was the fact that for two weeks, when Alexa would bring this story up in meetings to do in the podcast, he would preface it by saying, but I'm just waiting for it to become politically relevant, which sent me into a mental headspin.

How the hell does a broken penis become a political commentary? That's what interested me about the story. And also... This is a metaphor for Australia? Yeah, I wasn't the only one. All of the interns were equally... We were, like, banking on when that story was going to go into the podcast. I just want to say, I want to clear my name right here right now,

that if anyone's the office predator, it's Charles. That sounds too true to be. I have nothing else to say to him. I was a normal amount of interested in a penis tail. Not a weird amount. What percentage is that? What percentage is? Because I was not 0% interested in this story.

I didn't know penises could break. Neither. And that's why, like, I put it at, like, 33%. 33% of my attention was held. Are you considering composing a Broadway musical about Broken Penises at this point? I mean, the number would be interesting. I don't even know what genre that would be. But, you know, I'm very busy dumb.

I haven't got time for Broken P penis songs. I have to keep writing Coronavirus. I think a power ballad would be what would be called for. Oh, well, maybe I'll put that one on on the Thursday presser. Give me Apple Days. If you want more stories about malfunctioning genitalia, please go to Apple Podcasts and give us a review. I don't know if they'll let you post the words Broken P penis. is today's code word.

So just choose clear Gabby's name is what you can do. Or just leave any kind of joke. We just want to read them out on Friday and be entertained. So please jump on there and leave us a review. That would help a lot. Please either subscribe or follow the podcast, whatever your app says you should do. We would love your support.

And it will help us to be able to keep doing these shows. Our gears from road microphones. We're part of the ACAST creator network. Gabby, your name is clear. Thank God. 33% clear. 33% clear. See ya.

Catch you next time. Thank you.