The Chaser Report - Hasta La Vista Boris

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Charles, John, and Lachlan are quarantining in the studio together after having to postpone our Pub Live recording with MP Tony Burke due to everyone else catching COVID. Luckily fun is still to be had and Tony Burke manages to make an appearance*! Meanwhile Charles recounts the last moments of Boris Johnson's leadership and predicts what it means for UK politics entertainment value. *He doesn't. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday the 22nd of July. I'm Charles Firth and with me in the studio today is Lachlan Hodson. Hello. And John Delmenico. Hey. You might notice that this episode is not live from the pub, which is what was planned. If they've noticed it by now, they are very attentively.

But usually there's lots of clapping and cheering. Oh, I could put all that in, absolutely. No, listen to that. I think someone just spilled a drink. Oh, yeah. Taxi. No, but you know how I was complaining at the beginning of the week that everyone was sick? Well, Chris Taylor was going to come to the pub last night, but he's now close contact, so he's out.

And so just everyone in the universe is sick, basically. And I've got to stay at home. The rest of my family has come down with COVID. Well, very convenient. Some of our loving fans heard that you were sick, Charles, and heard that everyone else was sick this week. And one of our regulars, Emily Thompson, part of the Orange Daily, Weekly, Monthly News team,

actually sent through a to-do list for you to avoid getting COVID. Oh, okay. So do you mind if I just read out Emily's tips for how you can get through COVID again, again, 22 edition? Okay, yeah. Okay, so Emily says, tip one, get. tested, show up at your local, safe, socially distanced drive-through testing clinic to find it closed. Instead, head into your in-town walking clinic with 600 other suspected cases

and catch COVID there if you didn't already have it. Because that's right. In the early days, you did it in your car and there was no possibility of getting it. Whereas now it's far more social event. It's the social event of my week. No, I have loved getting COVID. I've hooked up in COVID lines. Tip number two is make sure to log your positive result, but not before you step out to buy five $50 boxes of rats for your family. This is so that your partner and children can still spread COVID through their schools and workplaces until they're sick enough to test positive than a rat.

That is the key. Even if you know you've got it and you test negative, go out. Just the COVID negative test on the rat that matters. The next tip is to research antiviral medication. But once you've done that, realize that you're not eligible for them, even though America is handing them out to everyone. America, the worst public health system in the Western world, is handing out antiviral medication.

But you can't get that. I've heard that the reason for that is that it only works when you've got COVID. Well, if that's not going to work out, the next tip might, it says aim to drink water, eat a balanced diet, keep to a sleep and exercise schedule and work from home when you can. I'd rather the COVID. Just kidding. We all know you're going to mainline Red Bull, order macas and menu log and watch serial

killer documentaries for seven days straight. That sounds like an isolation period. Yeah. And then finally, when you're all three, head back to your normal life knowing that you are safe for 12, actually, no, sorry, four-ish weeks. Yes. No, it's actually gone down again. Two-ish set.

know that you're safe. Know that you're safe enough. You can just take off your mask, fash a few strangers, lick the buttons on the lift. Actually, that might be why I've got COVID again. Thank you so much, Emily, for sending those wonderful, wonderful tips through.

We'll make sure to follow them when the New South Wales government makes them enforced in 12 months time. Coming up on the show, I'm going to talk about what's happening. Over in Britain, it's a bit of a shit show. Gee, Britain. No.

But what we should do is we should go to a lovely ad break and then we'll come back after this. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. So is everyone enjoying the really, really cold weather that we're having here in Australia? It's actually, it's almost too chilly. I wish things could warm up a little more. Yes, don't you agree? Yeah, just to be a little bit warmer.

Yeah. Well, as you almost certainly have heard, England is currently in the middle of a heat wave where, you know, it's up to like 38 degrees. I think you'll find 41 is the top that they've had so far. Is that a record? Surely that's a record. Yeah, that's a record. Wow. It's like a world record in terms of England. England is now warm enough that England will now invade England because it's such a warm.

country. No, what I care about, though, is the leadership battle that's going on in the Conservative Party. Have you, are you across this at all? No, no, not at all. Well, you know how Boris Johnson has resigned, but not really resigned. Oh, yes, Boris. Yes, no, that's the Boris stuff, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, and so he resigned. About a week ago, Boris Johnson resigns as Prime Minister, but he said, I'll stay on because we can do this really quickly to change leader. you know, it'll only take a couple of months, right? It's not like Australia. Like, in Australia, it happens overnight and suddenly you wake up. I love how polite British knifings are. That's how I made make a way.

Because, like, they gave him a warning. They gave them, they're very formal over there. Here, you just get Kevin Rudd drunkenly saying, get out of my seat. Yes. No, to be fair, you know, you look at all the warning that Scott Morrison gave Malcolm Turnbull when he said, I love this man. Yeah, it's true.

Although, like, Bill Shorten gave Julia Gillard, like, three hours notice between him saying I'm backing Julia the whole way to I'm backing Kevin Rudd the whole way Yeah but that's as it should be Because otherwise it drags on And it's dragging on so much That the Labor Party over there

Actually passed a motion Well they tried to move a motion Of no confidence in the lower house In the House of Commons Earlier in the week And of course You know Boris Johnson didn't want to go

through the process of having Labour's bill be debated so they shut it down procedurally, right? But then to prove that he had confidence to the Queen, the government then introduced their own bill, which was a bill of no confidence in themselves. Right, that's great strategy right. No, because that's the way to prove it

is you vote down your own bill of no confidence. That's the method of electing. Like, instead of, it's not archaic. Because the archaic method is to pull the sword from the stone. The whole modern method of passing a bill of not passing a bill of no confidence. Anyway, but Boris Johnson then, you know, with that real eye to detail, that attention to detail, got confused. And he thought that his own bill was, in fact, the Labor Party bill. And he tried to get it pulled from the debate.

But hang on, that all mean that you will be, you know, will be. it'll look like you don't have confidence in yourself and the queen will have to be informed and then suddenly they went, okay, no, no. I don't know, he sounds incredibly competent. He sounds like the man for the job. How on earth could they lose confidence in? Honestly, out of the three people who destroy the planet

with Trump, Morrison and Boris, Boris is the only one that I'm going to miss. Like Trump and Morrison, you'd get snippets once a day. But Boris would just openly flounder like this every day and it's just funny. No, and the thing is, like the line that brought Boris Johnson down in the end is he appointed as Whip or something,

he's this guy called Pincher who turned out to have a history of sexual assault. And the thing that actually nailed him and signed his death sentence was the fact that apparently he'd quipped to somebody, oh, well, Pinscher by name, Pincher by Nature, which proved that he knew that this guy

but at the same time you go that he's a fairly good line that's a good line credit from a writer's perspective Charles good quip to bring your career down with I'm surprised that you could have a politician lose the top job because of hiring someone that they knew was

a sexual predator If only Scott Morrison knew that all he needed to have was a cheeky porter quip That's the thing that really confused me Porter, he barely knows her. So he was very funny, right? He was very funny. But now British politics faces a real problem, right?

Because no one is as entertaining as him. No one who's in contention for the leadership. And at the beginning of the week, there was, I think, six people running for it. They yesterday decided that it was between Rishi Sunak, who was the Chancellor, like the Treasurer, of Great Britain and this woman called Liz Truss who is actually Warren Truss's daughter, isn't he?

Or niece or something. But the point is that all six of the candidates who were lining up at the beginning of the week were incredibly boring. And in actual fact, one of them, well, Penny Morden was accused of being swelteringly dull. Most of them actually,

at various points defended themselves as not being as boring as you're making me out to be. These trust claims that she was not boring. You imagine that being your sort of campaign position. That's insane that that's the kicker for them.

I mean, it makes sense in terms of the past leadership of the British Tory party. Because you went from David Cameron, who went to Eaton, he was in a club and he fucked a pig. From there, the counterbalance was Theresa May, who said the most wild thing she's ever done is run through a field of wheat. And then the counterbalance to that was Boris Johnson, who also went to Eaton,

was got up basically by being this insane character who was described by David Cameron as being a greasy piglet ever since uni, which I'm assuming means that they've had sex. And then from there, obviously you're going to go to the height of Boris Johnson, you then need to counterbalance with even more boring than Theresa May. No, no, no, so I reckon, so I reckon you've got that wrong, actually, John. I reckon what is going on now is they've gone, okay, either way, whether it's Rishi or Liz, we've got a problem, we're going to be boring. So what they've started to do in Parliament this week is they've started to label the Labour leader as being boring, right?

So Parliament in Great Britain is just a hundred times more entertaining the Parliament in Australia. Like, they literally have like cheer squads. They have Mexican waves. They misbehave. Like, it's like, have you ever seen the Taiwanese parliament? It's like that. Yeah. They're just crazy, because they can't even fit inside the parliament.

And so they started all yawning whenever Keir Stama got up, the opposition leader. And it's that thing where you know, they know that they're going to just have a boring candidate. Whoever ends up being the prime minister is going to be. captain snooze fest and so boris johnson has spent the way he actually quote said about keistama your captain crasheruny snooze fest right that's not one of boris's best i'll be honest exactly he's like the pincher joke was better than that yeah yeah but but so so the thing is regardless of what happens british politics is going to become incredibly boring you know Kirstama, who is, I admit, he's terribly boring.

But, you know, in comparison to Rishi Suna, like, at least he's a barrister, he's got a little bit of sort of thing. Rishi Suna, Liz Truss, they're the boring, MacBoring brigade. You know, you've got this sort of climate crisis and everything like that. But I think the real crisis in Britain is they're going to have really dull leadership regardless of what happens. I mean, that's also just fitting the trend of kicking out Trump, Morrison, and Boris, Johnson. And replacing them with Joe Biden is half asleep all the time.

Yes. Yes. Anthony Albanese is scared to say what his name is in case that might offend someone. He's not the quip mask. So then obviously the next leader in Britain has to be someone who's boring enough that you just forget the government exists. We're entering not a dark age of satire, but just the boring era. But you know what I think that this means?

If we're entering into an era of boringness, I think I'm going to run for Parliament. I'm in with a real shot. The Chaser Report More news Less often Okay well there you go Look it wasn't live from the pub It was live from the Chaser Studio

But the good news is If anyone was hoping to hear Tony Burke The Employment and Arts Minister Because he was due to turn up at the pub last night Luckily We still have him here in the studio We do. Tony Burke, welcome to the show. You're Tony Burke, aren't you?

Yes. Whoa. Tony. Hey, Tony. Yeah. Was it a rough drive getting here, mate? No. Oh, that's good.

There we go. And, like, it's not that we've just cut up your voice, is it? No. Yeah. And you've consented to this, right? We haven't. Oh, it was such a bummer that we couldn't actually have you at the pub, Tony. We'll have to reschedule for another time.

Do you know when you'll be. Free? Two and a half years time. Okay. Well, I suppose that'll be in the lead-up to the next election. Yes. Tony Buck, should Charles run for politics? Yes.

No. Oh. He's hedging his bet. Let's ask him about Robo-Dead. Was it a terrible idea to reintroduce Robo-Dead? Yes. You admit it. That's a mission, isn't it?

It was bringing in and implementing the Workforce Australia Mutual Obligation stuff where you're basically forcing the poorest people in society to just go through bullshit processes a stupid idea? Yes. Oh, wow! Wow! Okay, well, we got everything we needed out of this episode. Tony, can you actually play guitar?

No. Oh, no. Exclusive. Well, that's the biggest scandal of all. Are you going to try and knife elbow one day? Two and a half years time. Oh, that makes perfect sense. Just in time.

Put it in your diary. Put it in your diary. Anything else do you want to say, Tony? I do have to say, come beat my meat. And I'm going to give you my large bottom to come in. Thank you, Tony Burke. Yeah, so I wonder whether we'll get Tony back after that. Tony, can you say for our audience to leave some reviews for us?

Oh, yeah, Charles. We're going to bring back reviews. Okay, yeah, yeah. So we're going to bring back reading out reviews. So leave a five-star review on this. the Apple iTunes podcast store thing. And you can review our podcast or you can review anyone else's podcast

as long as it's in our chain and it's a five-star rule. We're back to the old format. It'd be lovely. See you next week. Our gear is from Road and we are part of the ACAST Creator Network. See ya.

Bye.