The Chaser Report - Hey Melbourne, you've got this! | Dave Milner

Episode Date: May 27, 2021

We're got a highly sympathetic message for the Victorian capital – and head there to chat to David Milner of The Shot about lockdown #4. Plus, our musical guru Gabbi Bolt believes Robbie Williams is the key to getting the over-50s vaccinated, while one Dom gets roasted by Craig and Charles, and another one reverses repeatedly over Boris Johnson.With the newsreading expertise of Rebecca De Unamuno – and it's the right version this time, promise. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. Good morning, Australia, and welcome to the Chaser Report. No, no. What have we changed the name again? Who are we now? No, no. James Matheson and not Oshar Gunsberg? We can't say good morning because in Melbourne it's not a good morning.

It's their first morning of lockdown. Yeah, no, that's not a very good morning. Okay, so let me start this dog. All right, go for it. Bad morning. Welcome to the Chaser Report. Um, is it possible that you could at least try and sound somber and as though you actually are upset by the fate of millions of people? Well, Dom, I think we should be making people laugh, especially them in Melbourne.

Let's not be too negative about this. If they want some satirical entertainment, they've got the Herald Sun. Look, I think it's all right. They're probably already drunk by now. It's wine o'clock. That's true. Have a beer for Melbourne. Is you in Melbourne or if you're not?

It's a perfect excuse. Get on the beers. Yes, it's what Dan wouldn't want you to do. Just stay away from stairs. on today's show we're about to cross to the streets of Melbourne actually where David Milner is going to talk us through the latest lockdown

and we're going to get Gabby to come into the studio and present her idea for a vaccine ad and we're getting here one of Boris Johnson's senior advisers absolutely throwing him under the bus you know what we're not talking about me stuffing up the headlines yesterday here's the Chaser Report a Melbourne resident has decided that the fourth time's the charm

and that this lockdown will be the one they sought their life out in Over the course of seven days, the Melbourneian has promised to work out more, call their mother, and learn to cook their own meth. A man who spent $4,000 on a camera was able to justify bankrupting his family on Wednesday night by being able to take a fractionally clearer photo of the Blood Moon. The amateur photographer celebrated the successful snap by purchasing a new lens that he will use during the next once-in-a-lifetime eclipse. In entertainment news, following the success of the Friends' reunion episode, NBC have decided to bank on early 2000's nostalgia by organising a reunion between George Bush and Al-Qaeda. That's the latest news for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno.

The Chaser Report, less news, less often. David Milner is the voice of Melbourne. He's the editor of one of the greatest publications ever to come out of that fair city, The Shot. Was that your idea, Charles? Yes, it's my... Yeah, who owns that publication, Charles? I do. Anyway, well, we do.

The Chaser does. David Milner, welcome to the show. How are you feeling after the announcement of a snap lockdown? Everything, all the emotions. Angry, I think. I'm pissed off. I'm shitty that this federal government has had a year to do something other than nothing, and it's basically chosen to do nothing.

So I think that is my overwhelming sentiment at the moment. In fairness, Dave, they have done a lot of photo ops with vaccines. I know. And they've done things that weren't photo ops, like wanking on desks. Every little bit helps. I mean, kind of, maybe. Yes. I think there's been 17 outbreaks now from hotel quarantine since last year.

and how many federal educated quarantine stations have the federal government built so far in that year? None, they've waked on more desks. Right. One to zero. The national discourse, though, is that this is really only a problem when it happens in, you know, the Soviet Republic of Victoria. And when it happens anywhere else, it's absolutely fucking fine, which is just the stupidest way of framing this entire conversation because it means the government gets away with doing absolutely nothing to help this situation. Yeah, Dave, I guess my question is, in what way is this Dan Andrews' fault?

Oh, I mean, no one's seen him for four or five months now. Like, I'm concerned that he's on his back. Like, I don't even know whether he's aware. It's aware of what's happening, but I'm sure it's his fault some way deep down just because he's a Labor premier. that people here actually like. So it absolutely must be his fault. Is it perhaps easier to interpret this

and the actions of the federal government? If you look at them less as people who are governing Australia and more as a sort of marketing team to look as though they're governing Australia, does that sort of maybe come closer to helping you explain why they have done nothing for so long? I think that is absolutely a big part of it but I think it's not giving them enough credit

for their commitment to their political ideology which is basically just a rampant neoliberalism and the whole point of that is that at that core neoliberals are opposed to government doing things they are philosophically opposed to you know government's handling things well and they just seem deeply committed to that you think it's intentional that they're just fucking it up

Charles, look, you've got, in Scott Morrison, you've got a guy who ran Tourism Australia failed and got sacked by a liberal federal government, but what he's managed to do now is completely end tourism to Australia. So if nothing else, he's finally delivered on that vision. It's a remarkable legacy. The slogan that he had for Tourism Australia was, where the bloody hill are you. Exactly. Which can be totally repurposed for the vaccines.

Yeah. There's just a really weird lack of public. health messaging around the vaccine. I went to a craft beer festival on the weekend for all my sins in the exhibition centre and right next to it was a vaccine hub and there were no lines whatsoever. I just couldn't help thinking, hang on, in a sensible, proactive country would have tied these two events together and if you got your job, you've got a free beer after it. Let's just actually make this work because this shit's fucking real. Three and a half million people have died.

So what's your plan for the next seven days? How are you going to get through it? I've just, well, I've got to go to the bottle shop. I've bought some video games. That's good. You're stimulating the economy, Dave. Well, I mean, that's all it's about, isn't it? You've got to keep these things ticking over.

I think what I will probably do is go a little bit mad, but then pull myself out towards the end. That's the plan, basically. I will cathartically vent on the shot, the best website in the world, according to its owner, and just try to stay sane, really. Really, this is a fourth time now for people in Melbourne, and it's the second one that haunts us all because that went on for 13 years.

Yeah, I honestly can't believe we're back here, to be honest. Yeah, well... I mean, I wish there was something funny we could say. We're sort of skirting around the issue, which is fucking hell this sucks. I mean, what else is there to say? It does suck. I actually think it's my fault now,

because the last time I've taken leave this week, and the last time I took leave, it was the wank death week, and the time before that, it was locked down, down three, I really am starting to take this personally. As your employer, Dave, I think you should never take a week off ever again. As a person who lives here, I kind of agree. This is nonsense. If nothing else, we've found someone to blame other than Dan Andrews.

So, dictator Dave, thanks for joining us. No worries, guys. Far out, be well. See, yeah. A message from the Australian federal government. Hi, Melbourne. We know lockdown. is hard.

Are you okay? Oh, sorry. Go on. Hi, Melbourne. We know lockdown is hard. You've got this. Oh, I've got this. Haven't heard that one before.

These are unprecedented times. Really? Really? It's not like we haven't done this three times already. Yeah. Together, you can get through this. Together. This is a lockdown?

How can we fucking be together when the whole point of a lockdown It is forcing people to be a part. Fuck the fuck off. Why not take this time to learn a new hobby? Fuck you. You know what hobby I picked up during the last time this shit happened? Alcoholism.

I now know the difference between a semi-on and a sav block. Do you know how similar they taste? Look, we're recording right now. Can you just leave? No, I can't. Remember? I'm in a fucking lockdown. I can't go anywhere.

I mean, do you have a fucking name? I bet you're recording this from fucking six. Oh, look at me, I have a job. Look, okay, sorry, I'm just trying to do this head for the government. What do you want me to say? I want you to say that if Australia didn't have the 101st worst rollout of the vaccine in the world, if Scott Morrison had drunk less beers at Sharkey's games and spent more time bothering to buy some fucking vaccines

or had, at any point in the last year, decided to actually fix the quarantine system, then none of this, none of this, would have ever had to have fucking happened. I can't say that. This whole ad is trying to make you forget all the stuff up. Okay, you fuck wit. You do you. I'm going to go to a cheeky Dan Andrews and throw myself down some fucking stairs.

Melbourne. Remember, together you can get through this. Not me. I'm in Sydney. So on yesterday's podcast, we listened to a whole bunch of fairly eccentric vaccine ads from around the world. And as we know, Australia's ad was really crap and boring.

So we challenged Gabi to come up with. a better song. Hello, Gabby. Hello. How are you guys going? What did you come up with? Well, I figured that, like, I was sort of looking at the statistics

of who were the most likely people to be hesitant towards getting vaccinated. And the most likely demographic of people were, like, women over 50, like my mum sort of age, no offence mum. Yeah, and so I was like, well, what do women over 50 love more than anything?

And if we're talking off what my mother has inflicted upon me over the last 25 years, it's just Robbie Williams. So I thought I'd spruce up some Robbie for them. And I reckon I've done a pretty good job, to be honest. Really? Yeah, it's like a panty-dropping or rather sleeve-raising hit. Without any further ado, this is Gabby Bolt as Robbie Williams.

Don't sit and wait. Thinking angels will pretend. your faith Do you know there's places you can go because you're 50 years old more eligible

for vaccination don't sell yourself sure When you're lying in your bed, thoughts running through your head, just think you could be dead, get vaccinated instead, just do it. All that I pursue protection from COVID-19 infection, so don't be a selfish ass. Risk is minimal. And more than you can post about it on Facebook And complain about how long it took But at least you got it at all

So don't be a suck Get vaccinated instead That is great Yeah, I reckon my mum would run to a vaccination line for that one Oh, that was so terrific, Gabby although it does make me wonder, can you get vaccinated against Robbie Williams? I don't know, maybe. I mean, I can't.

I looked up my eligibility last night and it said, no, it didn't even give me a reason. It was just like, oh, you're 24 and healthy, yeah, no. I'm thinking for over 50-year-old men, just something by the Eagles. I wasn't sure, like something desperado, but like, vaccination, why don't you go get it? Or maybe Hotel COVID-Fornia. Nice. Hotel COVID formula. B'bop-b-b-w-wown, you know.

but I'll keep whacking away out of it, I suppose. Thank you for doing you a bit, Gabby. Thank you for hiring me to do so. Time for O'E, it's an ad break. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Hide your single-use plastics. Because Craig's here. Now Craig, you've dropped in

because it's now third. Thursday afternoon, and we've got an important thing to talk about. Yeah, yeah. I heard a rumor that Dom might have stuff something up. And I've come, I've come like thousands of kilometres just to get here, just to have the opportunity to roast on over this. Dom, what did you do? Well, look, the slogan of the show is news you can't trust.

And I think we proved that today pretty well by airing this headline at today's news. Trump's announcement that he is taking hydroxychloroquine has backfired after it cured his bone spurs and he immediately got conscripted into the US Army. Meanwhile, Donald Trump's democratic opponent, Joe Biden, has asked his doctor whether hydroxychloroquine cures someone of sexual assault allegations. Wow, it's amazing how much today's news reminds me of a year.

Yeah, there was an old file that was edited up and the dumb thing is I realized that it was the wrong headlines and then I didn't fix it. No, you did that sentence was wrong. The dumb thing is you. Yes, look, it wasn't ideal. The other dumb thing was offering to edit the podcast myself. Well, this is why you have minions normally to blame.

So you can lay the blame on them when they did the stuff up. But I just want to ask you, what is, what's our contractual arrangement with this? Like, how do we get paid, Dom? Like, what's the thing that we most need? Listeners. Listeners, right. Which is why yesterday I tweeted, oh, it's a collector's. with the wrong news, you'd better download it now.

I get two downloads. That's my hope. Dom, if you analyze the media nowadays, like go to the Daily Mail website. It's pretty successful, right? You can copy other people's news and that kind of thing, but you don't copy your own news from a year ago, okay? Just go to one of the other podcasts. I know you've been claiming your homeish and Andy anyway.

Just copy their podcast. Yeah, yeah, well, that's a very, very good idea. But you know why it happened? What? Because I wanted to check whether it was the right news. I said you're an idiot. Yeah, because I'm an idiot. But I don't think he knows.

I listened to the start of the headlines to check that they were the right one. Yeah. And I heard this. The government has responded to fears that public transport will become crowded as restrictions across the country ease. In order to discourage passengers

from using public transport, the government says it plans to keep running their public transport exactly the same way as it has always been run. By doing that, it would keep public transport as the least favoured option for everyone. I guess that was a very laboured. But you look back at your old work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, particularly don't replay your old stuff. It's just, if it's shit, Dom. Yeah, yeah. But obviously I thought that was from tomorrow and that. There you go, there you go. All right, well, well done, Dom, that's good. So what's the lesson that we've learned?

This is now a history podcast. And that Dom is shit. Oh, no, we always do that. That's in the logo. You've been waiting for several years for this. haven't you, Charles? Since the time when Charles took Triple M off the air for 19 seconds, and we've played that clip back forever.

How did you take Shillam off air? Well, I wanted to record a sketch. So I walked in the studio, I didn't realize it was broadcasting to the nation. And I pulled down all the things. Because I was going, why is their music coming out of this desk? Yeah, they left it out by accident. And then literally every single person in the building came running.

Did it? Did it? Did you talking it all go out? Because that would be the best part you need some sketch record To the whole nation, no, but that was, it's funny than this, damn it. Charles is still the king of screw-ups. Fuck you all. You can get out your plastic again.

Because Craig's gone. Charles Scott Morrison's been criticized a lot in this podcast, including in this episode. So in the interest of balance, I'm here to tell you When it comes to COVID, he is one of the least incompetent, incompetent world leaders, I reckon. I do not believe you. Not because he hasn't made some massive stuff ups, but his competition is rock stars of hopelessness like Donald Trump,

near Modi and Boris Johnson, you know, the UK's floppy-haired buffoon in chief. He hasn't exactly nailed the COVID response to there, what were the people who died on his watch. I mean, vaccination, yes, they've smashed us. But you wouldn't expect senior members of the Johnson team to agree that he's done an utterly crap job. And yet his former senior advisor and political spengali, a guy called Dominic Cummings, just got dragged before a select committee in the UK this week.

And his evidence about his old boss wasn't exactly, shall we say, complementary. The Prime Minister regarded this as just a scare story. He described it as the new swine flu. He just tells everyone it's swine flu. Don't worry about it. I'm going to get Chris Whitty to inject me live on TV with coronavirus. So everyone realizes it's nothing to be frightened of. What?

That was his plan. His plan was, remember that they were going to let it rip and have hurt immunity and just basically hide all the old people away and let everyone else die. Yeah. And it was going to be, everyone, everyone, because he likes stunts. You know, he did the thing on the zip line. It was going to be like, everyone, it's fine. Here we go.

The providence is getting injected, not with the vaccine, but with COVID itself. But that's sort of like an episode of Black Mirror or something. That is completely dystopian. Yeah. It's genuine. And so Cummings claims that he's one of the people that stopped him from doing it. I love that that's your claim to fame. Oh, yeah, I stopped the Prime Minister from doing the weirdest piece of it.

Yeah, we did incredibly badly, but we could have done so much worse. That's his whole argument. But you would think, Charles, having got COVID himself, he nearly died, remember? He was in intensive care. It was really looking hairy. You would think that after that, that would have completely changed his attitude. Well, no, it didn't. There's a great misunderstanding people have that because

that it nearly killed him, therefore he must have taken it seriously. But in fact, after the first lockdown, his view was he was cross with me and for others into what he regarded as basically pushing him into the first lockdown. His argument after that happened was, literally, quote, I should have been the mayor of Jaws and kept the beaches open. I should have been the mayor from George. The idiot in Jaws. Yeah, that's right.

The one who guaranteed people dying from the massive shark. Yeah. Wow. It's pretty damning stuff. There's also a rumour about something that Boris Johnson said that was particularly callous. Surely when it comes to just a rumour doing the rounds, Dominic Cummings could have, you know, thrown him a bone or something?

Nah. Did you hear him say, let the bodies pile high in their thousands, or it's only killing 80-year-olds? The version that the BBC reported was accurate. And you heard that? I heard that in the Prime Minister's study. What was the allegation? Sorry, I didn't.

That's too Scottish for you. Let the bodies pile high. It's only killing 80-year-olds. Oh, what a lovely charming man. What a great bloke. Yeah. But his brothers and pop, like, are they going to get rid of him? Like, what the hell?

Isn't it like five years or something between elections in the UK? So he'll do a big stunt towards the end of the term and get re-elected, presumably. Yeah, like inject him to off with a boulder or something. Yes, that's right. But the thing is, Cummings has actually loathed himself. He was the guy who flattered the lockdown rules to visit his family and then a castle for no reason. But everyone was applauding him when he said this. In any sensible, rational government, it is completely crazy that I should have been in such a senior position.

Such a senior position. I love, that's the ultimate takedown. And the worst thing about Boris Johnson is he put me in charge. What an idiot! So what were qualifications you might ask to be an incredibly senior advisor to the Prime Minister during a massive, deadly crisis?

I'm not smart. I've not built great things in the world. It's completely crackers that someone like me should have been in there, just the same as it's crackers that Boris Johnson was in there. So he's using his unpopularity against Boris Johnson.

He is. That is genius. He should be in the Prime Minister's office. He should have. He's a Svengali. Look, to Dominic Cummings, congratulations on finally doing a good job of something. The Chaser Report, less news, more often.

And so, that's the end of our first week, Charles, of daily podcasting. What did we learn? We learned that we should not have signed this contract and that we're going to regret the next 47 weeks of this year. Yeah, we learned that we're not smart. We haven't built anything worthwhile or we shouldn't be in this position. But thanks for listening anyway. And it was a lot of fun.

I'm looking forward to next week. No, I'm actually looking forward to spending time with you. Oh, by the way, Dom, I'm taking holidays next week, so I won't be around. You're going to have to, I think under the contract, yeah, you'll just have to do everything yourself. Look, it'll be easier, frankly. You can leave us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. Or a four-star. No, five-star.

Just lie on our behalf, please, and use the code. Have a good holiday, Charles. And thanks to rode microphones for our gear, and we're part of the ACAST Creator Network. Catch you next week.