The Chaser Report - History's Greatest Dodderers | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Dom Knight is joined by Andrew Hansen who shares some of history's oldest and frailest world leaders. This of course has nothing to do with anything happening in the US at the moment. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with, well, it's Domain-Andrew today. Hello. Hello, Andrew. It's so lovely to see you. Oh, it's lovely to see you too, Dombey. I don't often get to drop in on the Chaser Report, but I gather that your doddery leader, Charles Firth, has dotted off. I mean, you know, we're surrounded by doddery leaders at the moment, aren't we?

I gather poor old Charles has dotted off somewhere. The only man who takes more time getting to the point than Joe Biden Charles Firth has gone off to do all this stuff he's going to be only dropping in and out for the next few months so we had promised the people a Taylor Hanson experience and I'm sure a lot of people will be logging on to hear that

but unfortunately Chris is terrible with technology we're speaking of dodderers just go into the podcast studio and you just hit record on the app and it was far beyond him too hard too hard so I'm back despite being in New Zealand at the moment and you're in Melbourne

So through the magic of technology We're essentially, we're in the same chat room to do this We're very global, I mean It's nice to be here in between the pauses in Charles' sentences So we'll get out of the debate in a moment And just to catch up on the reaction To what we described in the last episode As Biden quite quitting, perhaps involuntarily

Perhaps his sort of cerebral assets Are just retiring without his agreement And then you've done a bit of research Which I'm looking for this. Oh, absolutely, Dommy. I'm going to introduce us to history's great dodderers because I figure this is not a new phenomenon

dummy, you know, I don't think we need to be worried or panicked and I'm going to show some nice examples of other dodderers to reassure us that everything's fine. And it all begins after this. All right, so it'd be fair to say that there's been a massive freak out from the Democrats, so really anyone who wants to see Donald Trump

stopped. A lot of his closest friends, political allies, the New York Times, Podcast hosts the world over, you know, the rest is politics hosts. All four of them, the US and the UK edition, they've all come out and said, Biden's got to step down. He's got to get out of there. Who's going to tell him? And so essentially, I think of the Atlantic.

You know the Atlantic magazine in the US. They had six separate op-eds the following day, all of which said Biden stepped down. Six. Any in favour? Any sort of pro-Biden ones? Well, Barack Obama got out and said, look, you can have a bad debate. He had a bad debate when he was going to get re-elected. But, I mean, not like this.

He didn't end up saying, you know, we, I think, what did you say? We hit Medicare or we hurt Medicare or something like that. Yeah, it's a bit like sort of, you know, the Germans after World War II saying something like, look, you know, sometimes you have a bad war. But, you know, it's not all over. And this is the thing. I mean, I'm quite proud of our last episode because we made a very big call, Andrew. We stuffed up the timing of our recording sessions.

So we started at 11 a.m. on Friday because we had a lovely lunch. We had a chase of reunion, which was very nice. I just sit down with you and the others. But some, we booked in our conversation, Charles and me, just as the debate was starting. And so I listened to about three or four minutes on the way in to meet him. And I couldn't believe it. Biden sounded so out of it.

He was pausing every, like halfway through a sentence. He was sub-furtheon in terms of his incoherence. Oh, it was unbelievable. I mean, I tuned in likewise, Domney, at some point for about three or four minutes. And I heard nothing because it was actually a four-minute pause in the middle of one of Biden's sentences. I thought the radio had died. That's right. Just completely having a brain shut down.

So we just called it. We just said, look, it's over. I've heard enough. I sent Chaz a text about four minutes into the debate saying Biden's lost. He can't speak. And Charles didn't watch any of it. We're still confident in saying that Biden was done and that Don was going to be the next president. Nothing has happened to dissuade us.

But Andrew, they've been gathering. The Bidens have been gathering at Camp David, the whole extended family to try and work out. Should he drop out? What's he going to do? What's the plan here? And my concern. is that even if he wanted to drop out, I don't know that his brain would actually successfully formulate the sentence to say it.

To declare that I quit. Yes, he'd probably get as far as, no, I have something that I'd like to say. What was it? Yeah. No, I think you're right. I mean, we've got to get the sentence out of him. Does he have an enduring power of attorney?

I mean, can somebody else quit on his behalf? I'm sure Hillary Clinton would be very happy to jump in. It's a good question. Everyone's saying, look, it's all down to Jill. Jill Biden, who's his second wife, of course, after the very sad death of his first wife in that car crash, Jill is the only person he really listens to. So if Jill says, honey, you've got to stop, then he'll give up. But unfortunately, she's going double down.

You're amazing. And so, I don't know how you convince Jill Biden that Joe's, you know, many beers short of a six-pack at this point. It's a tough question. Well, we just need to talk to her over the fence, don't we, or something. You know, I mean, we have to hope, I think, that her friends might. sit her down. I mean, if it's really up to Jill, why didn't Jill do that? I mean, if it's all up to Jill, I don't, I'm disappointed Jill didn't do that. I mean, this is the solution, isn't it, to elect Jill? I feel, yes, yes, she's the one who can make the decision. She would be, she'd be

great. And certainly, if she's able to convince Joe Biden of whatever, that's more convincing than Joe Biden's going to be doing. I mean, he was asleep. I watched more of it since talking to Charles. It's extraordinarily bad. I don't see how he can possibly go on. But the thing I love about this is that Donald Trump is very upset because Donald Trump is feeling that he doesn't get any credit. Everyone's talking about how terrible Biden was. And so Trump's made up all these fantastic lies about how all the moderators were saying it was the most tremendous debate performance by anybody in the history of debates. Like apparently, you know, Jake Tapper and the other CNN anchors was just grabbing him on the way. Donald, most amazing performance ever. And so he can't allow,

even though he's basically won the election at this point, his ego will not let him win by default because Biden's basically doddering and on the verge of death he's got to have crushed him with the best debating performance of all time whereas in fact he wasn't great he was full of shit the whole time he's sort of suffering really

from having done a Bradbury hasn't he Donald Trump that's exactly what he's done really and it's the same sort of sad thing that poor old Stephen Bradbury face which was that he was actually a terrific skater who went through a lot of trouble and did very very well to win that gold medal

and the other three skaters were Joe Biden And they just, you know... They collapse in a heap of malopropism. No, it's true. And look, I know you got to interview Stephen Bradbury or certainly Chris did for your show, Australian epic. I must say, I think turning this debate into a musical

would potentially be beyond even you and Chris's talents. Oh, look, it would be tricky because, you know, what part would you write for Joe Biden to sing? I mean, you'd have to build in a lot of long pauses. Yes. You couldn't give him many lyrics. You know, he couldn't let him finish an actual line of the song because he only had gone halfway through a sentence.

You'd have to sort of have two different slow times because they're both very slow old men, aren't they? I mean, that's the interesting thing. You know, we've all been looking at Trump this old time how ancient he is and how unhealthy, and we never thought he'd really be outdone in that feeling. Yes, it's true. I mean, we are giving Donald Trump a lot of credit

for being less unhealthy than Joe Biden, but there's every possibility that his heart, his poor suffering, big macafide heart, gives out between now. This could be a contest between, two completely different candidates by the time we get to November. I wouldn't bet money on either of them surviving. No, no, well, you wouldn't have even years ago.

But you know what, Donnie, this is not a new phenomenon. I mean, you know, we're sitting here worrying about these ancient leaders. But I have done a bit of research on this, as I'd like to do sometimes when I drop in to the Chesa report. I'm so impressed you've actually brought some facts rather than just unjustified theories, a la Charles. Yeah, look, I mean, I'm still happy to shout at like. an ignorant old man in the same way that Charles does. But I've got a couple of vaguely researched tidbits here.

Okay. I'm so interested to find out. So you were saying Joe Biden is not the first doddery old fool to hang around in political office. Yeah, look, you know, we've often had doddery leaders, you know, and it has been noted in the wake of the debate. Because Reagan was happily running the world with Alzheimer's and JFK had a thing called Addison's disease. Mitterrand had cancer and Roosevelt had polio. So being terribly infirmed, it's actually a prerequisite for a world. leader. It's a good thing. It's kind of something you need

for the job. So, how about you and I, Domney, have a dive into History's Great Dodderans. Do you feel afraid to just pause randomly and contradict yourself at any point during the conversation? As a tribute to those who've gone before. I might be doing it. Look, it's a glass

house here because I probably sound pretty doddery most. I mean, you and I are not getting any younger either. We'll be fit for the presidency. A bit of a trigger warning. Ageism is going to take place. That's not two words, by the way. You don't have to look out for ageism. I'm talking about ageism.

It's not that type of trigger. Now, we need a word, first of all. I was thinking we really need anocracy, don't we? Anocracy for rule by extremely old and doddery people. Well, there is a word for that. What's the rule? The rule of the aged is a gerentocracy. It's a gerent.

That's not good enough. But the thing is that just, I mean, that's what America is, right. People have been making the point. Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi are older. Both of them than Trump and Biden. 82, I think McConnell and 84, for Pelosi. And McConnell's been having these long periods where he just freezes on camera, like Tony Abbott when confronted with the chaser.

But no, we need to, and the word that builds in the dodder, a dodderocracy. A dodderocracy. It's good. Yes, I was thinking an incontonocracy. That could be a last one. Adult napocracy. Dependocracy. Dependocracy.

A geysorocracy. But look, let's look at some other. examples. And so that we know we're not alone here. I'm going to sort of cast the net around the world. In the state of Tamil Nadu in India, the chief minister retired at 87. Italian president Georgia Napolitano retired

at the sprightly age of 189. And in the US... A fantastic pizza sauce behind him. Wonderful pizza. Yes. In the US, though, there's a guy called Strom Thurmond, who was governor of South Carolina. Oh, yes. Do you remember Strom? That's a wonderful name.

Strom. Isn't that an interesting name? And his nickname was Fritzy. Fritzy. I don't know why, perhaps because he was frequently on the fritz from being so ancient. Maybe he was so old that actually he dated back before World War I. And having a German association was actually seen as a good thing back then. I tell you what, he did. He did date from pre-World War I. Oh, really? Yeah, back in 2003, Strom died in office at the age of 100.

He was turning up to work diligently every day. I don't know if he was still using the office gym. But imagine working and your boss is 100 I mean, what would you, every afternoon you'd be, you know, saying to your co-workers should we check in on him just to see if he's still with us? You get a lot of breaks.

You can't tell me he wasn't having little nana-naps all afternoon. I think it'd be an easy job. Yeah, and imagine how surprising when he turned up every day. Yes, that's true. He's walked in. You've beat the odds again, Strom.

Well done. What, it's Thursday. You've made it. Unbelievable. Well, now when Strom finally died in 2003 eventually got there a well-known

US politician delivered the eulogy have a listen and tell me who you think it was Don't Nancy Strong

Julian Paul James Strom Strom Thurman Fritz he was one complex guy It's a bit hard to hear down the line

from New Zealand, but I feel like I heard more pauses than I heard talk. So I'm thinking it might have been Joseph Robinette Biden. Oh, very good Dommy, yes, yes. The pausy Biden that was, who was back then a strapping young boy of merely 61. Yeah. That was him delivering the eulogy.

So he knew the oldest guy ever. And this is what's done him head in. By the standard, by the standards of Strom Thurman, Biden's a spring chicken. Biden's a middle-aged. He's middle-aged. Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, look, and somebody should be delivering Joe Biden's eulogy now. I think politically speaking, any newspaper in the United States has printed it in today's paper, to be honest. The Chaser Report, less news more often.

All right, but for true dodderiness, Domney, we really need to turn to the former Soviet Union. Now, they had a cracking parade of shaky, ailing fogies that would even make Bob Catter look like a young liberal by comparison. And Brezhnev is a good one. Let's start with Brezhnev. He was in his 70s, and he was running the Soviet Union after having had a stroke. Oh, wow. Here is Brezhnev, and he's giving a televised speech. Now, consider that the purpose of this speech, it was meant to youth,

meant to sort of enthuse and motivate young Soviets about the wonders of their country. Unfortunately, today on the ground, and even in many of the streets, reamated withstrength, leers to crow. Givn't not only only the girls, but the kids. Many of other kids

are from hunger and disease. There he is, you know, in his 70s, Brezhnev. Now, you know, before people performed on me, before they sort of go on stage, they often have a routine to kind of pep themselves up. Oh.

Some do push-ups, of course. Some people meditate. But in his last years, how do you think Brezhnev prepared for his televised speeches? Oh, it's so hard. I mean, I've known a lot of lefties over the years, a lot of hardcore kind of socialist lefties, people like Charles in his youth.

And I think the way they pump themselves up is by reading the minutes of the subcommittee on administrative trivial detail. You know, just get into really the most unnecessary regulations. And I think that makes them, not only pumped up, but erotically aroused, Andrew. Either that, or it being the Soviet Union, they just would have executed some intellectuals.

I don't know which are the two, but somewhere between the two. He didn't sound me like he'd come straight from anyone's execution, except perhaps his own. What was he saying there? I'm envisaging what he was saying was, you know, in this socialist paradise, adult nappies are free for all. That's what I was hearing. I think that's about it.

Well, look, if anyone wants to run a Google translate over that, And let us know. Please do at the Chaser Report's contact page. Look, I can tell you how he prepped, Domi. He usually prepared for such speeches by taking a whole lot of sleeping pills and then having to be roused from his drug-induced slumber by Kremlin doctors. This is what's happened to Joe Biden. He's done the Brezhnev model.

They said he had a cold. I feel, because there are all these rumors about him, you know, being jacked up for the state of the union when he gave a really rousing address. clearly he's taken the wrong pills I think he's on the Brezhnev's He's on the Brezhneves absolutely Well you know So what happens shortly after that

To no one's surprise Brezhnev died And he was succeeded by Yuri Andropov Now Domi How many months Do you think Andropov lasted Before he himself dropped off From kidney failure

I feel like he was the Frank forward Of the Soviet Union I think what Two to three Two to three months He's not remembered fondly by history He's barely remembered at all Well, actually, he actually stretched it out for 15.

Really? He left 15 months. Yeah. Did it feel like 15 months or was it actually 15 months? You did. I mean, his kidneys were failing the whole time. You know, it felt like 35 million months for him, particularly. Now, after and drop off, they wheeled out poor old Chenenko,

who was aged 72 and extremely unwell already from day one. Now, in 1985, the Russian telly put on a little TV show. They showed Mr. Chenenko. in his office receiving the results of the election. So, Domi, of course, you know, it's the Soviet Union. What percentage of the vote do you think Chenenko received? Oh, it's got to be above 100. I'm thinking maybe 103, 104.

Which is also how old he seemed when he addressed the nation. Yeah, no. Well, look, even the Soviets weren't quite as outrageous. But it was 100. He did receive exactly 100. So they must have brought some cheer to the sick old man. That must have a cheer. You know, to know that he was well liked.

Wouldn't Joe Biden love a ballot paper with only one option on it about now? And now on the TV show, of course, where they announced this. It was in Chenenko's office, but what was unusual about Chenenko's office when it was shown on the TV? What I'm imagining, given the general theme of this, that may have been there, is a full oxygen tent. I'm imagining that by the sound as the Soviet leaders, he had a drip in his arm and was barely alive. He was actually coming to the nation live from the casualty or the ICU. Domi, yes. You are correct.

Really? Let's put in a ding. Yeah, the office was actually Chenenko's hospital room in disguise. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe it. There you go. Again, a really good option for Biden going forward, I think. Well, maybe that was what the – I mean, I wouldn't surprise me if the debate

hadn't actually been held in a disguised aged care facility. Well, this is the thing. I mean, there's all this concern about deepfakes at this election and people coming up with a sort of AI-generated Joe Biden that's giving misinformation. But I think that could be a definite improvement. I think should wheel out the AI Biden? Yes, it'd be a vast improvement

or any sort of generated. Any sort of intelligence, artificial or otherwise, would be considerably better. Well, there you go. By the standards of an ancient Russian broadcasting from within his disguised hospital room, actually, no, I think Joe Biden still needs to go. I think he's still, even compared to Leonard Bresnev,

I think Biden was more dottery. And it's been enormously nice having someone who's actually done some research. It's not necessarily next time. Just next time you come back, feel free to just very confidently make predictions about the future without any research or basis. But thank you for bringing some facts in. I think should Joe Biden get to hear this episode, he'll actually feel quite heartened by Soviet standards.

He's in the prime of his life. The Chaser Report. Good by Soviet standards. Our Gere is from Roebate with part of the iconic class network. And look, I or Andrew or Chris or someone will join you tomorrow on the feed. Catch you then. See you.