The Chaser Report - Home Schoolies Week

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

Charles, Dom and Andrew lament the collapse of Virgin Australia, while Dom tries to figure out what the world is going to do with all its spare oil. Andrew takes a look at how one American preacher is dealing with the virus. Also with kids heading back for another term of homeschooling, Charles gives you our top tips on how to make homeschool as unbearable as real school. Plus regular updates from Bec De Unamuno in the Chaser Newsroom delivering all the news you know you can’t trust. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello, welcome to another episode of The Chaser Report News You Can't Trust. I'm Charles Firth, and joining me today are Andrew Hanson and Dominic. night. Dom, what a big week. I mean, it's the biggest week we've had since, I don't know, last week. Virgin collapsed this week. Petal prices collapsed. But Dom, what are you going to miss most

about Virgin being gone? I really value the choice, Charles, with Virgin. If I don't feel like Flying Qantas, I have the option to pay just as much for a worse experience with Virgin. Yeah, it was good. Andrew, do you have any thoughts about the Virgin collapse? Yeah, Charles. Look, I will miss. I will miss Virgin. What's what I miss? I guess, look, I'm going to miss the chance to use my points to buy a third of a toaster. I mean, for me, I still think of it as Virgin Blue. You know, back in those early days, it really blew. Yeah, we did.

Coming up, Andrew Hanson's going to look at American preachers who think the coronavirus is nothing to worry about. Dom's going to, you know, well, I mean, he's an expert in altering zero. So he's looking at what it means when the oil price goes below. zero dollars a barrel. But first, let's check in with Rebecca Anamuno, who's got the latest chase and news headlines. Virgin has finally been fucked. A spokesperson said the company said it got fucked on the weekend, and since it was its first time, it simply didn't know to use protection against a virus. Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has released a book about his time in politics

without any spine whatsoever. The memoir features a front and back cover, pages on the inside, but no spine. Critics noted the book falls apart remarkably quickly. Each book comes with a free knife firmly planted in the back cover signed by Matthias Corman. Mr Turnbull was emailed for comment but he's waiting for the email to arrive on his MBN connection. A new study out today shows parents are limiting the screen time for their kids to just one hour every 60 minutes. The figures come after official government guidelines were updated

to recommend that parents do whatever it takes to keep the little fuckers quiet. Experts say although one hour per hour is the norm, it is still important to make sure children take a break from computer screens by mixing it up with other different screens, such as television or another computer, at least once a day. A local shopper has expressed outrage after turning up to his local bunnings to discover the shop packed with people.

The man posted a lengthy rant to Facebook in which he pointed out the entire nation is supposed to be in lockdown and only he was the one exempt from the rules. That's the Chase of Report headlines. News you can't trust. Thanks, Vic. Hey, Beck, did you have many virgin frequent flypoints that are now useless? No, I was smart.

I saw the collapse coming, so I traded all my points in for a $30 give voucher to brashers. Oh, well, that's very clever. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. This week's Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me, Richard Branson. You may have heard that my airline Virgin has recently lost its virginity. But I promise you I am raising money like never before. I've begged several governments to refund all zero dollars of my tax. I've mortgaged my private island, although we can't hold open house inspections, so Domain has reduced the asking price a bit.

Like many comedians at this difficult time, Virgin's humorous in-flight announcements are now being streamed online for your at-home enjoyment. They're very amusing. And most importantly, for our valued frequent flyers, rest assured your points are safe behind the counter at your nearest Virgin Megastore. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Look, huge news in the oil industry this week. Prices have fallen much further than I thought was even possible.

The price for a barrel of. West Texas crude turned negative for the first time ever, ending the day at a jaw-dropping minus $37.63 a barrel, meaning sellers were willing to pay buyers to have it taken off their hands. Yeah, so if you can find anyone to buy oil right now, guys, you'll actually get paid for it. It's probably the best job opportunity available. You know what I reckon they should do with it? And I think some might have already done that. You know, how kombucha tastes really shit? I reckon you just market it as a new form of kombucha,

like petrol-flavoured kombucha. Everyone go, oh, wow, oh, and you can say it's all natural. You know, it's completely natural, comes out of the ground. Yeah, crude kombucha. I like it. Well, this is extraordinary. I mean, who's going to get all this oil, though? I mean, if it's so undesirable, why is it so undesirable oil?

What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? Well, they've got far more than they need. So I've been trying to find people to just take it off my hands, serve as kind of a middleman. And I'm marketing it as extra virgin cold-pressed crude. And I've managed to sell some to Channel 9. They use an awful lot of oil keeping Richard Wilkins lubricated. Yeah, I can imagine him.

It's awfully dry, isn't he? Everyone's trying to cook at home at the moment, so that people would probably want to make kombucha. But I've been selling some to everyone who's trying to cook KFC at home. It's an essential ingredient. Just dip the chicken in crude, and it tastes like the real thing. It's the 11th secret herb and spice, I imagine, crude oil from Saudi Arabia. But look, there is a big problem with all this spare oil that's been lying around. Now, storage facilities are almost filled to the brim.

There are concerns the world could run out of places to store the excess supply. So where do we put it? I mean, I've stored as much as I can at home. Every saucepan, cup and jug, there's no more baths for my daughter. It's just full of oil. And we just need places to store the oil. I live in a terrace, so the entire ground floor of my terrace is now an oil tank. We've got to be very careful about smoking, though.

Well, our local council pool is closed at the moment. So I was thinking, why don't they just drain that and fill it with petrol? I mean, it's a good thought, Charles. Like anything that's sort of unused, I mean, I was thinking maybe, you know, all the kegs, like the kegs in pubs. I mean, they're not useful at the moment, are they? They could fill them with crude. What a brilliant idea.

And then when you need some oil, just go into the pub and, they'll just pull the tap and give you some crude. Yeah, and I think we work especially well in Queensland. I don't think you'd be able to tell the difference between that and the four X anyway when the pubs reopen. You just keep it as is. I'm wondering if we can get bigger than this. I'm wondering if we can do Sydney Harbour.

I mean, we're not really using it from the moment. Can't go resailing or anything, really. Imagine how exciting vivid would be with the lights reflecting off all that oil. I think there's a problem, Dommy, though. If you did that, the harbour would end up much cleaner than it currently is. That's certainly true. But look, there are lots of options here you can make a lot of money

just by buying oil or selling oil using how you can't. The only problem is, as soon as they heard I was building an oil stock pipe, the US invaded me. But you know, I actually reckon this whole thing is bullshit. Like, I reckon, because they said it went into negative territory in that they'd pay you to take it off its hands. But then I went to my local survey the other day and it's just bullshit.

It didn't happen at all. Oil prices are now in negative territory, like less than $0. So if I fill up my tank, will you give me money? I'm not sure I can do that. But I'll take like 40 litres of petrol off your hand. Can you make me an offer, like to say 20 bucks or something? No, I can't do that at the moment. I'm really sorry.

Whatever the pricing comes from my head office, so I have no control over my pricing at the store. But I love how he blames head offers for the fact that he doesn't want to pay us to take away his pay. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Now, of course, Donnie and Charles, during this rather difficult time, we need to turn to people for a bit of help. And, you know, it might be celebrities. I mean, we're quite open, like opening up Facebook and looking at the latest celebrities who can calm us down. But understandably, a lot of people are also turning to religion. And, you know, I had a bit of a scout around online to find the most encouraging

sort of religious sermon that I could find on the subject of the COVID pandemic. And I'd like to share that with you guys right now just to get, well, you know, sort of as a public service, I suppose, more than anything. Now, there's an American pastor. He's an exciting guy. His name is Kenneth Copeland. Now, I don't know if you've checked out any of Kenneth's shows, but, well, he made a prediction, actually.

He's an interesting guy because he made this prediction back when COVID-19 first became a problem. and he decided to share that prediction with his congregation and his YouTube followers. Now, luckily, what happened was God spoke to Kenneth Copeland at exactly 924 in the evening, and he gave Kenneth some very good news, although God didn't seem quite sure what the name of the COVID-19 illness actually is. And suddenly, the word of the Lord came to me. so I jumped up and got my notepad and wrote it down 924 this disease called CODV 19 will be over much sooner than you think so there's a bit of good news if you if you're worried about CODV 19 then uh that particular disease the cod virus yeah if you've got COVID you're screwed but CIVD suffer is very good news that that's right so I you feel reassured by that. Anyway, look, eventually, both God and Kenneth figured out the name of the virus. Or is it a virus? I mean, in Kenneth's mind, this virus is actually a bit more

evil than you might have initially thought. In the name of Jesus. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Standing in the office of the prophet of God, I execute judgment on you, COVID-19. Oh, Ramash. I execute judgment on you, Satan, you destroy her, you kill her. So this is interesting to me because that's what the virus is. It's Satan. That's what we're up again. No wonder they're having difficulty curing the damn thing. Why aren't the scientists, you know, following up on this

and working out how to get rid of Satan? Well, this is the thing. This is the, well, we might not need the scientists, though, Charles. Because fortunately Kenneth has become rather cross at Satan slash virus, and he's not afraid to boss this naughty virus around himself. Take a listen. You come down from your place of authority destroyer. You come down and you crawl on your belly.

Like God commanded you when he... Now, a question for you, Charles and Dom. Like God commanded you when he did what to Satan? I mean, what I'm thinking of hearing him talk is when Jesus turned water into wine. I think he's had a lot of special water lately. It sounds like the time that Jesus turned Satan into the humid centipede, maybe. It's not a bad guess. Not a bad guess.

They're both quite good guesses. Is that in the Bible? You know, it might be in the apocrypha. Right next to Sodom, I think. Let's listen to exactly what God did. to Satan. Like God commanded you when he put his foot on your head.

That's... Apparently, that's what he did. So maybe that's the solution to the virus. We just stand on its head. I guess. Like, if you could make the virus go away with shouting, we'd be good. Look, he's not always...

You say shouting, Donnie, you say shouting. But, you know, Pastor Kenneth Copeland is not always so brusque. He actually had a very polite request to make of this virus. It goes like this. You get out, you break your power, you get off this nation. I demand judgment on you. I demand, I demand, I demand.

Now a question, a question, apropos of demanding. What does Pastor Kenneth Copeland demand? Some more crap? Yeah, I think it should have methand. Amphetamine, isn't it? No, I assume it's the last, you know, those three digits on the back of your credit card number. Isn't that what they usually demand? Yeah, that's true.

Yes, at the end of the... Well, let's, okay, let's reveal the answer. I can reveal what does Kenneth Copeland demand. I demand, I demand, I demand a vaccination to come immediately. Yes. I'm astonished that that go believes in vaccines. That's the most unbelievable part of the first time for everything, isn't there, Domi? But good news, he's demanded it immediately.

So, you know, I mean, because we keep getting told, don't we? We're going to have to wait 12 months at least or whatever. No, he's demanding it immediately. He's gone further than that. He's actually declared the entire pandemic over. Although, unfortunately, he only remembered to get a vaccine. nation for one country. It is over.

And the United States of America is he. Oh, that's great news. And you heard it here first. What a pity that put the immigration ban. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. This week's Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me,

Richard Branson. It's halfway through the episode, so would you like to be? buy a copy of my autobiography. No? What about a private island then? So kids headed back to school this week in Queensland and they've already been back for a week in Victoria and in New South Wales they're hitting back to school next week.

I don't know about the rest of the states but I don't care about them anyway. Point is I thought it would be a good time to just give parents some homeschooling tips because I've got two kids. I've got a nine-year-old and 11-year-old and I just thought, You know, I've been running a fairly tight ship with my home school in the last sort of four or five weeks. And, you know, I've got a bit of knowledge to pass on. So, first one is it's really important to sort of set up a really rigid routine and have a bit of discipline. And I think one way to signal that is you should make them get dressed into their school uniform every day.

No, you don't do that, do you? Yeah, no, I do. Yep, yep. And people do mock me for it. people sort of say that's a stupid thing, but it does work because the kids hate you so much for making them do that, that it's just got that school vibe from the very beginning of the day. But they really just hate you. Do you insist on the school shoes as well? Do you do a shoe inspection to make sure they're polished? Yes, yes. And, you know, they've got to have their socks

up to their knees and everything like that. What about ties? Do you do you have like posh private school kids, Charles? Do they wear ties? No, we go to public schools, but no, I get them to wear a tie, definitely. And a boater, I see you. Yeah, and a boater. Indoors. Yeah, exactly. Well, you can.

And I, too, get dressed up as well as a teacher. Unfortunately, the only teacher's outfit we have is one of those sexy teachers' outfits that I got for my wife last Halloween. So. Catholic teachers wear, isn't it? Yeah, it's a sort of Catholic vibe to the whole school. Very weird. Well, you want to replicate the real experience, I suppose, don't you? Yeah, no, exactly, exactly.

Prepare them for the real world. And then, okay, and so I just wanted to also go through a few tips on various subjects. So the first thing is maths. Right, so what you've got to do is you've got to trust yourself on this one. Like, the answers, I can tell you now, the answers in the back of the maths books are just always wrong. They are universally right. I don't know why they put them in there. But they are never correct.

You sure about this, Charles? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Especially on things like subtraction and stuff like that. They just never get it right. It's so weird. I mean, unless you use the calculator on the computer, then suddenly the answers seem to be right. But I'm pretty sure that they've got it wrong.

I'm confident that your kids are getting lots of practice adding up daddy's day drinks. Actually, well, that is true. You do actually, that's why you have three breaks a day. you have your crunch and sip at 10 a.m. You have recess at 11 a.m. And then you have lunch at 12.30. And they are all great opportunities to go and get a glass of wine.

So really. A special popper. Yeah. Did we? Sorry, did you call one of them crunch and sip? Yeah, crunch and sip. What the hell is crunch and sit? That's a made up break.

That's not a school break. Really? We didn't have that. No, we didn't have that. No, it's because. They found out, this is true, they found out that kids were arriving to school having not eaten breakfast.

And so everyone was really hungry at 10 a.m. And it makes them concentrate because... And they called a crunch and sip. It should be called brunch. Oh, yeah. Crunch and sip is not a meal. And they should hand out smashed avocado. Yes, yes. The real world.

That goes on at your school, your local school. Well, I live in Melbourne, Charles. So, you know, yes, we are very sophisticated school brunch. thanks in lane ways everyone has a has a single origin short black as well they do they do every every there's a barista in every public school in Melbourne of course there is of course there is English is another area which I must say has changed a lot since our days because I don't they don't just don't teach kids how to spell anymore they don't teach them how to spell anything really and I know this because I did a spelling test with the kids the other day and I asked them to

spell anymore or anything, and they can't spell either of them. So they can't literally spell anything. What a shame. Hartley, my 11-year-old spell it with an E, E-N-Y. He can't spell anything. He can't spell anything. So this isn't so much of a joke, it's just you shaming your child on a podcast. Yeah, I'm really hoping he doesn't listen to this. But I should go through some of the technology as well. If you live in New South Wales, the Department of Education here uses Google Classroom as their way of interacting. And that is an amazing technology. What it does is at the beginning of the day, you get to see all the assignments that your son has been set for the day. So it really reinforces your lack of achievement at getting your kids to do anything during the day.

It's really nice that Google's constant surveillance of all of us is actually being put to a good use during this period. It's great. The kids love it. They really, they're really. real fans of Google Classroom. But, and then we've got Behind the News. Do you know Behind the News still exists? It does not. Is Richard Moorcroft still hosting it? I don't know.

In his 80s? I'd pop out for a wine whenever it comes on. Behind the Cabinet. The kids have to watch it. It's 25 minutes long. It's a fantastic resource. Although I think it's actually turned into a bit of a Fox News thing because last week, this is absolutely true.

I said, oh, what did you learn from me? behind the news, and they went, well, immigrants come here and cost the government lots of money, was one of the talking points. And then they said, and coal power plants employ lots of people. Is this behind the sky news? Yeah, that's right the sky news, but that's the Andrew Bolt version of behind the news. The other sort of weird tech thing is you'd think that the one advantage of homeschooling is that the kids can't chat amongst each other in the classroom, right? You know, you'd have, you know, full attention by your kids.

The other day, so there's this chat app called Discord that is used for video gaming and things of that. The other day, I caught my 11-year-old, and what he'd done is there's a setting on Discord, which means you can hide that the app's on. And he'd set up a chat with the guy who he sits next to at school. and he was just chatting to him without my knowledge where I was supposed to be working.

I mean, what a bloody genius. Yeah, so that's like real school. At least he's learned something. Yeah, exactly. And I actually asked him how much he'd been doing that with his friend Jarvis. How often do you speak to Jarvis

using Discord while you're supposed to be working at homeschool? I'd rather not answer that. Anyway, so homeschooling is basically a horrible experience, but it is an opportunity to spend time with your kids. And remember, that is time you'll never get back. All right? But I think my kids do like it. I mean, I've been spending, like, literally about 25 hours a week doing it each and every week,

putting in a huge effort. So I thought, you know, I should do a bit of a survey of the kids because it's always nice to get some good feedback from them. What's your favourite thing about homeschool? Nothing. The Chaser Report. Now with Extra Whispers. International Global News World Roundup.

Yes, let's catch up on some of the world's most important news stories, Charles and Andrew. Firstly, what wonderful news from Scotland. Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has surfaced for that second official citing this year. Why do you think Nessie's suddenly turning up during? Oh, is she, don't tell me there's like a Glasgow wet market selling Nessie meat. Is that what's going on? We've got enough coronas. I think I actually think I know the reason why.

And it's because with lockdown, everyone's drinking more. So they all think that they see the Loch Ness monsters. Isn't that the only reason you're talking about Chats? This is Scotland you're talking about. They already drink 365 days a year. They can't drink more. This is real stuff. It's actually the only place in the world where there's less.

drinking during lockdown. So I mean, given that this is here, who else could show up any other legendary monsters you'd like to see reappearing? It's a good question, dummy. I mean, I think we're going to need some dragons now that Virgin Airlines has collapsed. A very affordable way to fly. Yeah, and I was thinking it'd be good to have Batman. Because bats have such a bad reputation because the virus came from and everything like that.

Maybe Batman should sort of make an appearance. and sort of revive the reputation of bats. You'd still well clear of Batman at this point, wouldn't you? I mean, if he showed up, he would not be welcome. Especially if Pangolin Man showed up, that'd be terrible. You don't want him. You don't want to visit from him. Now, heading to Canada, where helpful tip from an Ontario waste company,

they've reminded residents not to recycle swords. Someone put a sword in their recycling bin, and apparently it jams the machinery. Do you think that's unfair? Should recyclers be forced to take our spare weapons? Yes, yes. And this is a huge problem. I've actually been in a fibre council for months

because they refuse to recycle my treboshae that I have. Oh dear, look, this does sound bad to me, Tommy. I mean, look, I think if people are just going to throw swords into landfill, then, you know, they're going to end up in the ocean and get mistaken for a swordfish. I mean, that'll be very confusing for marine life. you suggest people do with their spare weapons if they don't want to put them in the council bins? Well, if they've got a sword, surely

you should use it as a bottle opener. And it's every time you have a methuselor of champagne, you just whack the sword across the neck and open the bottle. I think a suit of armour would be very useful for social distancing at this point in time. And finally, speaking of things you can wear, let's head to

Florida. Here is a report from CBS in Miami. Broward circuit judge, Dennis Bailey, says he had one male lawyer who appeared shirtless, then a female attorney appeared to be still in bed and under the covers. Yes, lawyers are turning up to their Zoom court without dressing properly. Should the judge be concerned about dress standards in Zoom court? No. No, that's fine.

No, I'd go further. I actually wouldn't mind seeing some Snapchat filters on lawyers in court. I reckon it'd be fun to be defended by a lawyer with a cat's face or a... a lawyer who's made to look like a, like a baby. Or a snake, which they look like anyway. Or a snake. The defendants, too, I wouldn't mind seeing an accused murderer with a filter to make him look like a unicorn or something.

Make court cases a lot more fun. Courts are, I mean, I disagree with Andrew on this one, because I think courts are actually, you know, they have to be respected. I mean, ever since the George Pell verdict, you know, I've just held the high court in such high esteem here. and I think you know you've got to treat them with that sort of respect so no I'm totally again we wouldn't have wanted Pell to appear on a Zoom meeting in bed

or it may have provided an extra piece of evidence not guilty allegedly but look how do you think this compares the people turning up naked to court in Florida how does it compare to the rule here is it more or less ridiculous than our rule that barristers have to have a clump of white horsehair on their heads to go into court I was that horse here. I thought that that was bed here. As long as they're not wearing a bat on their head, I feel safe. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

Hi, I'm Richard Branson, and I'm proud to sponsor The Virgin Report. Sure, they call it the Chaser Report, but you can't tell me these three aren't virgins. So we're coming up to the end of the show, but we do have some breaking news from Rebecca Day and Emuno in the newsroom. Yes, guys, news just in. News Corp announced it had been hit hard by the coronavirus and that it would consider laying off some coalition MPs and may even have to sell off some of the MPs it owns. Thanks, Beck.

So that's the end of the show. Check us out online at chaser.com.com. You find us on Twitter at Chaser and on Instagram at Chaser War. Search for the Chaser report. And make sure you hit the subscribe button to make sure you get reminded each time we drop an app. and then you can choose to ignore it. Now, we do understand that a lot of people out there are suffering at this time.

A lot of people in the entertainment industry without a job, good high-profile people, really struggling to pick up work. So we'd like to thank our production staff here today, to our runner, Kate Blanchett, to our production assistant, Russell Crow, and the wonderful catering from George Calambarus, and I hope that George understands why his patron. check didn't include all the hours he's worked done it's my bad it's total mixup I'm sure I'll fix it up next time anyway we'll leave you with a promo for a very exciting new podcast

that chaser studios has been working on for some time check it out I don't know I just I you know I don't know I thought I thought I used to know and now I don't know I have all I have like a whole different approach I mean it's you know it's really changed my thinking on this yeah yeah yeah like I know what you mean Chasea Podcasts Presents So anyway, we've got a short show today It's just like five hours of me telling you all about something And now, let me tell you, I have it all worked out now

I have all the answers on this thing That's so true A talk show interview podcast Now the thing about this thing And you know, you know, you kind of need to need to understand this If you really want to understand this thing Of course, that's totally true With a difference

Anyway, now, well, let me get to this thing. Yeah, get on with it, Pete. The only talk show interview podcast that never actually interviews anyone. Loud American who likes the sound of his voice with a woman who just agrees with him, podcast. Out now. Just search for any podcast, and you'll probably find one that sounds exactly like it.