The Chaser Report - Horse Elected Equine Minister | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

WARNING: Episode contains lethal dose of horse-based puns.Andrew brings Dom and Charles the story of Patrick the Pony, a humble pint-drinking horse and official Mayor of Cockington. While enjoying this thoroughbred yarn about Patrick and his neigh-sayers, the team begin foaling around until they can mare-ly make it through a sentence without whinnying themselves hoarse . Apologies to any long-faced listeners for the amount of puns in this one, it's the only stable work we have. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Friday the 5th of August 22. We have Charles Firth. I'm Domney and Andrew Hansen with us once again. Hello, Andrew. Hello there, Dommy. How nice to be here for another Chaser Report.

It's lovely to have you back on the pod. Yeah, yeah, thank you. I'm hugely excited about the story that I've brought you today. It's an enormous piece of news because, you know, the world is changing. And this is pretty explosive stuff. Can we get into it straight away? No, do you need to do business and annoy your subscribers? Let's do an ad.

The Chaser report. More news. Less often. There you go, you can get out of those. Some of them anyway, apparently. Shosa.com.com.com.com. We're still working on it. As I understand it, you can get out of none of them by subscribing to our ad-free version.

It's been a bit of a problem. We're going to have other options too coming up in the next. of the while, too. Just watch this space for a slightly less disgraceful attempt at fleecing people. I really like our idea of an ad-only version. You know, that was actually have a lot of vision. Still, Andrew, you've brought some momentous news for us today. I can't wait to learn.

Oh, momentous news. Let me tell you, there is a pony in the news. I don't know if you're across this. Have you been following the news? I mean, you guys are newsy people. Oh, I've been following so many scandals and, you know, the new government going on, all the drama in New South Wales and resignations

of multiple ministers but I haven't heard about any ponies what about you Charles yeah and I'm assuming this is more important than say the conflict between China and Taiwan

that's dragging in the US and could result in the imminent war forget the Pelosi dramas this is where it's at and because I think a lot of the future of the planet may hinge on this

news about a pony named Patrick oh now he was He was born on St Patrick's Day, which I think may explain perhaps why he's called Patrick. Possibly.

I think about this pony, I'd like to fill you in. I mean, you're obviously ignorant of the big story. I can't believe that. I can't only keep across all of the pony news. Well, I'll give you a little quiz.

Why don't I quizify Patrick the Pony for you? And we'll delve into his story because this story really makes my year. He's been spending a lot of time at a pub, this pony. Is he in a little village? Well, he is, Irish.

I don't know if he's Irish because the pub he's at is actually in Dover in England. It's a little village called Cockington. Have you been to Coctington? I'm familiar with Cochington Green in Canberra, the fun-sized little village. But I haven't been to an actual Cochington. I probably would have been renaming my village if I lived in Cochington. It's still proudly called Cochington, Tommy. I don't know how similar it is to Cochington Green.

I don't know whether the locals are small plastic figurines. Is Patrick a tiny pony one foot tall? Plastic pony who's not quite in scale with the other small figures. Yes. Like in the real Coggington Green. And maybe mixed up with some mysterious Disney figures that have somehow been placed there. Anyway, it's not Cockington Green. There's a real place.

There's a real place called Cockington. He's got this pub there. And if you go to this pub, you are likely to run into this pony. Patrick, who sits there in the pub having a drink. And now, what according to the news, I'm going to ask you this, Dommy, what, according to the news, is Patrick the Pony's favourite tipple? I assume it's cough syrup because it's perfect for ponies when they're a little horse. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I couldn't resist. And you can unsubscribe from this podcast. It's e-shedero.com.e. Now, Charles, I know, would you care to nominate a favourite drink? drink? Do you think Patrick the pony might have at the pub? He was born on St. Patrick's day. I assume like even if he's not Irish

his name's Patrick. Surely he's got to drink, you know, the national drink of Ireland. Guinness. I would have thought Guinness. In the size of a pony. Yeah. A pony of Guinness. A pony of Guinness, please. You are correct, yes.

Yay! He is known to favour a Guinness at the pub in Cockney. He sits there with a little And that makes sense because, you know, horses usually eat things like grass, which tastes disgusting. And Guinness also tastes disgusting. It's like that kind of Vegeamite beer, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a soily beverage. And, yeah, he's got this little table, and they've made him a little bowl, and they serve him a small class of Guinness. I feel very sorry for this pony, Andrew, because I feel as though they haven't given him a choice. I suspect he's born on St. Patrick's Day. And they've gone, we're going to call him Patrick and make him a theme. They probably have never given him water. Probably the poor thing's desperate for just the taste of ordinary water. But he still has to get fucking Guinness all the time.

The poor pony, I know. He probably wants something high-brow beverage. Yeah, and the groaning. He want a craft beer. Or just a horsehead lager. And you can unsubscribe. Well, look, Patrick the Pony, he's not only in the news for his drinking. He's mainly making headlines

because he's been chosen for a very important new job. Charles, what do you think the job is? God, okay, so he's Irish. He's Irish themed. Not Irish at all. Unfortunately themed Irish. Does it involve stealing things?

Oh, yeah, it'll be... You racist man. You racist man. Breaking into a burglar. It might be the new New South Wales Trade Commissioner in New York. It's very easy to get that job if you know the right people, apparently. I don't know if Patrick the pony is well-connected enough, Domit. Or maybe a pool pony for the Commonwealth Games water polo team or something, right?

It's the UK, it's too cold. Yeah, okay. No, well, it's actually an elected position. What? Last time, yeah, last time I was on this podcast not long ago discussing those psychic animals who could predict the results of elections. Well, this pony actually. became an elected official himself.

He's been elected the mayor. Oh, Mayor, M-A-R-E. Charles, it's not even that good, no. Because it's a lady, he's not a lady-horse. He hasn't even occurred to these locals. He's simply been elected the mayor. M-M-A-Y-O-R. I mean, to be fair, Boris Johnson was the mayor of London,

and I think Patrick sounds much more qualified than Boris was for that job. He's a similar hairstyle, though. None of you look him up. That's extraordinary. So, like, what? How would he perform the duties? I mean, does he have to wear the chain? Does he preside over council meetings?

And it was a how? Like, did he have to sign any documents to nominate? Yes, he was properly elected in a campaign. What happened was the old mayor was a human. And, you know, I guess the locals perhaps felt the winds of change were blowing through. Perhaps it was time for a new speech. Diversity. He campaigned.

I mean, you know, let it be said, Patrick the Pony did run a campaign. I mean, he can't speak. So his owner, his owner, I guess, was his campaign spokesperson. And the owner said, and I quote, we believe Patrick would be a brilliant pony mayor for Cochington for being non-judgmental.

Well, yes. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. So is this like a special position as pony mayor? Or is this pony actually the mayor in charge of the council meeting? He's like, whenever the new swimming pool opens in Cochington, Patrick's there cutting the ribbon by biting through it. Does he go and visit schools and hand out prizes on speech day? Really?

Look, various other officials attended his inauguration. Sorry, before we go on, can I just ask, was the election a sort of referendum? Oh, was it contested at all? Were people asked to vote aye or nay? Oh, God. Because I can see how this might have happened. There were no nays. Was that the vote nay?

Like, was that their slogan? Don't say nay. I guess Patrick would have voted a lot, wouldn't he? To everything. Every motion is different past. Patrick's only ever a negative. The council meetings will be a disaster, you know, all those. Why is the mayor so negative?

Nay. Why doesn't he ever support anything? Oh, God. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. Sorry, go on. So the swearing-in ceremony, I think. Oh, yes, yes. Some important politician came and attended the swearing-ins. Well, was that a bulldog or a monkey? What sort of politician are we talking about?

It was a jackass, so they got Boris Johnson. So, well, anyway, however it washed up, according to the media anyway, he is now the mayor of Cogginton. Now, don't just think he, you know, just swept in with no prior experience either. I ask you, Domney, what professional positions do you think Patrick has held in the past that were on his CV to justify his election as the mayor? I imagine solicitor. I imagine Patrick's a qualified lawyer in Covington and has been helping with divorce settlements and all kinds of complicated financial transactions paid in sugar.

You're not correct, but Charles, he has had jobs before, Charles. I imagine, I was going to say, like, race horse. Like, it makes sense that he would be, but he's a tiny horse, isn't he? So I'm going to say, jokey. He's a tiny little pony, is it? A jokey did he ride other horses? That would have been great.

Is he a beer taster? Do they test beer on him? Yes. Is he a brewer? He's a brewer, yeah. Well, he should be. I mean, he's clearly got a refined palate after all those guineasas. No, no, look, you're incorrect.

What he did work as was he worked in mental health wards. Oh. And specialized schools as a therapy pony. So he has been a kind of, like an animal therapy sort of pony. Sort of Pat Chattams. That's very sweet. You'd bring him into a school and you'd see him sculling the kids and just say, stay away from alcohol, kids, it's not healthy. He ended up like this drunk party.

Yeah. He's also apparently raised a lot of money for what the news calls equine charities. Oh, lovely. He's raised thousands of pounds. So is that to raise money for Princess Anne? Cruel. And this is what it all leads to And I'm assuming

All of the things that you've said The election campaign All the work This presumably they're trying to make this horse A fucking Instagram influencer Is that what it is? Everyone in the whole world Wants to be an Instagram

Influorcaircum I think that may be part of what's going on He's certainly a celebrity pony No But I don't see I disagree I don't think it would be Instagram And I don't even think it would be TikTok I think it would be clipclop

Oh God Well he's just He's more than an influencer. He's an elected official. He's a politician. He's a leader. He's a popular leader. He's a leader.

He's a leader. You know, he's somebody to look up to... Does he have ambitions for sort of national politics? Well, I wonder, you know, that is a horse race that I'd like to see him in. I can see he'd probably do a better job. I mean, I think... From what you've told me so far, I wouldn't even... I'd go further than the Prime Minister.

I think next monarch of the United Kingdom, we'd do less harm than Prince Charles, I would He probably doesn't believe in homeopathy, for instance. Yes, yes, a little, King Patrick, the pony. King Patrick the pony, he should be, the first. Yes, and he probably isn't inbred. I could probably be a rush of new genes into the royal family at last. No, I think that could be. I don't know if he's an Anglican or not.

Anyway, look, I hate to tell you, but there's a very sad twist in magic story, I'm afraid. No, Andrew. Yeah. Can I guess? What do you think it is, Domney? Oh, well, given that this is a story about a horse, I assume that he was doing something stupid for the amusement of humans, like racing and broke his leg and had to be put down behind the green curtains.

Isn't that the fate of every horse who messes with humans, that they just get executed? That'll be now. It hasn't happened to Patrick yet. Right, okay. But probably... Give it a few months, right? Charles? Well, I assume that he's faced death threats because, you know,

politicians, you know, cause controversy. Well, actually, maybe it's electoral fraud. There might be the case that the vote was rigged. Maybe Patrick ate some of the votes for the other candidate. Has there been an investigation? But I reckon what has happened is somebody has left a horsehead in his bed. Actually, what about a sex scandal? Maybe Patrick was having it off with a married lady pony.

Oh, yeah. That's a good guess. I wonder if that's going on, you know, or he's had some sort of Barnaby Joyce-style. Oh, knocked up a staff. Oh, Patrick. He might have knocked up a stable boy. Stable staffer. You know. No, look, these are wonderful guesses and very heartbreaking.

I'm glad none of these things have actually happened for me. It actually relates to the pub. Terrible news, especially for the mayor, that he was recently banned from the pub. Oh, why? Yeah. I know it's madness. Man, like, when is a pony not allowed in a pub? What's the world coming to?

I can only imagine. The IRS PCA found out that he's being served beer That wouldn't let him in Was that a council regulation? Yes Hugely ironic Yeah no it's ironically The council

Realised the pen The pen in the pub that he used to spend time in Had not passed the correct planning permissions Yes And so it was demolished And he's got nowhere He's got nowhere to stand and have his Guinness anymore See I heard that the council people

had, were just sick of Patrick turning up to meetings drunk. So pretty irresponsible. Knowing the way that local politics works, this is probably the first step towards Patrick doing some sort of shady deal to get the pub knocked over and turn into apartments. And he gets a little fat bag full of apples, a brown pad bag of apples and a bit of Guinness. You're right.

Or turned into like a multi-story stable, you know, for hundreds and thousands of ponies. Put Cochington on the map. I mean, this is the end of his story, really. I mean, he's the mayor who's been banned from his own pub. Although his position still stands. Like, you know, he's still the mayor of Cochington. So I don't think Cochington electoral law is thorough enough. I feel that if it's not in the Constitution,

probably worth mentioning that a human would be a good idea at some point in the process. Oh, but, Tommy, it's the UK, you know, a complete, you know, a pony who loves a piss up. That's true. It's probably an absolute shoe in. to be a politician. Probably superior to most humans on that. It's out of the island. Absolutely.

Absolutely. So what comes next? I mean, I suppose it's a couple of years still in office and then what, off to become dog food? Is that the next stage? Well, no, apparently they just received a DA for a glue factory. Cockington glue. There you go.

With a slight whiff of Guinness as you spread out the glue on the page. His final contribution to society. Well, raise a glass to Patrick. just not of Guinness because it smells. It tastes like shit. Cheers to you, Patrick the Pony. Our gears from Road, and we are part of the A-Cast creator network. And Guinness, if you want us not to tell stories like this, just sponsor us, you bastards.

Catch us on Monday.