The Chaser Report - Hot Chimney Sweepers on OnlyFans

Episode Date: September 8, 2022

Charles continues to share his thoughts on the glitz (shits) and glam (scam) of LA. Meanwhile Dom investigates the issues surrounding child-care in Australia. The link to Dom's upcoming OnlyFans can be found here! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report. Dom Knight here in Sydney, Charles Firth in Los Angeles. Hello, Charles. Hello, Dom. There you going. Now, last time we talked, you seemed to be having a terrible time.

You were saying that, you know, the weather was awful. There was everything smelled of urine. The traffic was terrible. It sounded like you're in hell, basically. Has your enjoyment of one of the world's great cities improved since we spoke last? Yes, look, I must say it has. I think actually what has happened is the diaspora of L.A. people who listen to this podcast, which I admit is not a huge sum of people, but they have reached out to me and they have helped me.

And in fact, I got even offered this afternoon the offer of catching up for a squirt. So I think that was from one of our listeners. I mean any number of things. So when you say that, can I just be clear? Because you're never sure now. Was that one person who uses that pronoun? That seems more likely to me than multiple people in LA heard the podcast and got in touch. Yeah, yeah.

It's all about the pronouns in L.A. But no, it was one man, actually. Toby is his name. And he said, should we catch up for a squirt? What is a squirt in L.A. Palance? Is it a Seltzer? Oh, sorry.

Sorry if you got confused there, don. it's basically like solo it's what they call solo or lift in um oh i was imagining it being america they you know it was sort of like squirting cheese whiz into your mouth or something i don't know what it was yeah or no it'd be THC everything here is THC oh can i just tell you that actually let's go to an air break and then i'll tell you exactly why LA sucks even more none of the medical advice contained in the chaser report should legally be considered medical advice, the Chaser Report. You can avoid ads, chaster.com.com.com.com.com.com slash podcast. It's now available via Apple

podcast, by the way. You can just in that app, subscribe. Get two weeks free to test it out if you like. And the Apple, the chaser.com.com.com slash podcast page will at some point have a link to the Apple thing, but we haven't apparently managed that just yet. But anyway, what I was saying is the reason why L.A. sacks harder than anything I've ever known before in my entire life. And you've been to Adelaide. is that the service here is terrible, right? So you go to America and the whole thing that you want is people who are in fear of losing their homes and their kids

because they exist on tips and so they have to please you because they're tip stuff. All your customer service interactions are based on you then ending up paying their salary. Yeah, if they want to eat or pay rent, They've got to be nice to you. It's an amazing form of slavery. What has happened here, which apparently has not happened anywhere else in America, is everyone is so fucking doped up on marijuana that they just are so chill.

Like, it's just so annoyingly slow. Like, you join a coffee line. And I was joining to other people and they were saying, yeah, yeah, anywhere else in America, it's like, yeah, yeah, you get your coffee and you go, right? But it's like, okay, I'm going to talk you through the options. You want a coffee? What sort of coffee do you want? And it's all slow.

And it's really irritating. It's so fucking irritating. But they're all happy. They're really happy. They don't want your money because they just got the, they just had a munchy. They've just had a, I don't know, a gummy bag. How does that work? How can they afford marijuana to get that chill on the slave salary?

It's unbelievably cheap, Don. So a gummy bear, which will make you stone for about four or five hours. We've got some here. Yeah. Cannabis infused gummies, yeah, Camino. Cannabis is... Sparkling pear flavor. So this cost me, I think, like, 15 bucks, and how many are they're in there?

There's like 30 or something. So it's like two bucks. Two bucks are gummy. 50 cents are gummy. No, no, 50 cents. So you can't afford food, but you can afford to get stone in America. And I must say the homeless people here are not only very relaxed, but very light. Right.

Because they can't afford food, but they can afford marijuana. Wow. This is an amazing social experiment. What happens if everyone is starving and poor, but it's stoned? It sounds like they don't care. Yeah, it's like brave new world. It's sort of like, it's perfect because they're happy. They've got their somer.

So it doesn't really matter. And look, this afternoon, and apparently this. This has never happened before in California in history, but just this afternoon, we got an alert through on all our electronic devices, like any electronic device attached to the internet, got this alert at about 6pm saying, warning, morning, we've reached level three of power restrictions, which basically means that tonight there are going to be rolling blackouts across California because it's so hot here that everyone has their air conditioner on or whatever, and their power. grid can't handle it and so presumably the weakest 5% of people are just going to or the poorest 5% of people are just going to have to turn off the air conditions and die in this extreme heat. The one place that doesn't have power restrictions presumably is the gummy bear plan. That's the last thing that all got out.

It's probably connected to a windmill. Probably the one thing using renewable energy. You've got to keep the power. Do you feel like you're in a dystopian future or do you feel like you're in a dystopian future or do you feel like they've wanted into a different timeline where Australia won't go. Is this what's coming for us? I think that what should happen is everyone who's living in the UK now should come to L.A.

And experience what it's like in L.A. Because in about six months' time, they'll be living in the dystopian hill that America is. I thought you were saying that they'd be able to get out of the, because you know there's going to be crippling cold in the UK. Oh, there's crippling cold. The fuel prices are so high that no one can afford to heat their house. So in the UK, they'll all freeze to death.

The entire economy is going to collapse. And the great news is, Charles, if they did what you suggested, that would mean flying from the UK to LA, which would make the problem worse. There's no escape. I love how all our solutions involved making the problem worse. Of more carbon. I mean, it really is last days.

You know, my son, my 11-year-old, keeps on saying, Daddy, I just want to come over and be with you, like, and I just say, son, no, you don't. Just have a few more years of, you know, completely... Gummy-free existence. Like, Daddy would love to see you, but Daddy's on the pair of gummies. No, but it was like, I want him to believe that a better world is possible. Well, I'm here to tell you, listeners at this podcast, that it is not. Right.

Like, we are headed down the same part as they're. By the time... listeners hear this, Charles, I will have had the chance to get some more news from California where it sounds like a terrible place to live, but you will have the new iPhone and you will have the new Apple Watch. And one of the things that they're marketing

is the Apple Watch Pro, which is a more rugged device. So clearly, and also, I don't know if you know this, but the new iPhone, the killer feature is rumored to be, and you'll know if this is true by the time this comes out, is rumored to be satellite technology. Yes, that even if the cells don't work, you can still get on the phone. I'm just wondering, if they're building devices that work anywhere, do they know that the whole of civilization's about to collapse?

You know, mobile phone networks are about to get burnt to the ground? We're going to need satellite connectivity. Is this what's happening? They're ahead of the curve. This is the first post-apocalyptic product launch. And, you know, Apple are always ahead of the curve. They're always about three months ahead. They know that they've done their modelling.

They know that by December, When everyone's buying, you know, their supplies for the apocalypse, they're going, oh, actually, I'll play extra for that satellite feature because, you know, civilization has collapsed and we're going to need it. I presume what will happen in a few months' time, that amazing, you know, Apple Park, the new Apple headquarters in Cupertino that looks like a giant spaceship will actually be revealed to be a spaceship. Yes. And just take off to seed life on a new planet, which only has Apple products. You imagine life on that planet? Well, that is my life. I only use it.

Yeah, me too. All my device. Can we have a place on the spacecraft, Tim Cook? We've just started offering the podcast through Apple Podcasts. Maybe they'll allow us to get on the spaceship. Well, the thing is, I'm in L.A. to do lunches, right? And I emailed Tim Cook because you can, T. Cook, at Apple.com. reached out to him, said, I'm in California doing a lunch.

He hasn't got back to me. What the fuck? But disrespect Do you know how much they spend Like I'd pay his salary They've probably got some sort of You know cerebral messaging system now That wires directly into the cortex somehow

And it connects the iPhone Directly into the brain Without the need to actually You know touch it But look I'm very excited by these new products That are about to be launched But haven't been launched At the time they're recording in this podcast

But will be launched by the time Anyone listens to it Beautifully put Imagine a phone they could do everything. It can take beautiful photos, it can make phone calls, do messages, do your email.

I mean, it's just, it's a revolution, Don. I mean, I'm looking at my phone in front of me, which is an iPhone 13 Pro, because I do tend to waste money on upgrading them often. And apparently the only thing that's going to change, the two things. The first is that the notch thing at the top is going to be replaced by more of a pill-shaped thing.

So there'll be a few millimeters of extra size. screen space added, our revolutionary. And then on the back, if you flip it over, the camera bump will be even bigger. I would have thought that the camera bump was already as big as it was possible for cameras. But there's still some space to the right of it. I'm disappointed because I wanted the whole of the back to just be lenses. I wanted like 20. And extra, they've got three lenses in a light-ar sense.

And what about four or five? You need like 20. At least 20. You need 20. And which will be fantastic for the Chinese government to surveil us all. Because at the moment, they've only got the widen the close-up when they hack into your phone through TikTok and take photos of whatever you're doing.

They don't have... When it's something that can take a 360 degree. Oh, yeah, 360 degree. In every direction. Yes. And you need one that takes, you know, who's looking at you on the side who you didn't want to include for privacy reasons. And also dissident thoughts.

If there's some sort of camera that can take a picture of... Your brain. The anti-Sheed-Ginging thought that you're having in your brain, that would be very, very useful. And also, if you, you know, that that happens, Android. We did a, we did a segment of Welcome to the Future a couple of months ago where, like, the CCP has worked out of how to read your brain. So that already, they already.

Of course they have. Yeah. So. Is that the one where we were talking about trombones? Did, did you get sent trombones in the mail after we, we, the podcast about it? Yes, I got a couple, but they were very, they were discount trombones. Yeah, yeah, discount trombones. The Chaser Report, less news, more often.

While you're over there romanticising life back in Australia, the wheels are falling off here too because labour's come in, right? And they've ruined everything because they're not completely opposed to industrial action. I think they're not entirely in favour of it, but they've made it a little bit easier. And so what's happened is your childcare workers have become emboldened

to ask for wages that they can live on. Oh dear. And so what's happened is, it's terrible. What's happened over the past few months is that increasingly, day by day, we get messages from the child care center. They've got this lovely little app called Story Park where they share photos of your child and the activities that they've been up to. But what they use it for now is every day, at the end of the day, you get a message that says,

we'll need five absences from preschool room tomorrow. And that means that five families have to somehow, with no notice, not have the childcare. Oh, I volunteer these tribute. Yes, I volunteered his tribute. That's exactly right. And so it's a bit easier for us because my wife's on Matt leave because we had another baby. but you never know. It is a random, random cost.

Sometimes you're fine. But I've seen tradies bring their kids to the child care centre and be told, oh, did you not get the message on Story Park? That entire room is closed today. And the trade is like, oh, I've got to entertain my child all day. I guess I'll just make no money for the entire day. I can't do a single job. Don, you're not thinking literally enough.

This is late stage capitalism, right? What you do is you get the child to learn the trade and it's cheap labor. Because that's the other problem that we have in Australia is not enough employees. I should say, I mean, I sympathise with the childcare workers, they're getting $22 an hour. That is not enough to mind my child. No, no. As soon as you become a parent, you go, all right, they should be actually paid at the CEO level.

It should be at least $100 an hour. Yes. There's danger pay in that. Oh, yes. And so they're asking for more money. But the reason, it's not just COVID that's causing all these absences. The problem is, child care workers are going, oh, I could get more pay

and not have to change the nappies of children. What's to lose about that? So they're walking out of the sector, left, right and centre. Yes. So we're going to have no child care. You know, the government's talking about having a surge and adding more childcare. The problem is that workers don't want to do it

because it's just shitty, literally a shit job. There's a few jobs that literally are a shit job. But isn't the point that they do love it, but it just doesn't pay enough? No, it entirely depends on the rate of pay. do love it, they're very dedicated. It's not one of those. They're sick of it.

But that's the whole thing about this world is everyone's going, oh, we don't have enough these workers, we don't have enough those workers. We have enough workers if the pay is correct. That is the whole thing. And particularly for the kids who can't get into childcare, what we should do is we should pay them a good wage. Yes, child labour would be a great solution. And a lot of kids, your eight-year-olds are often really good.

My niece is amazing at looking after me. my, she's nine, she looks after my four-year-old daughter, very good at it. And good, and good with their, like, they can do close work, like, tiny hands. They've got good eyesight, tiny hands. So, we could revive. And their backs are still intact, they're not broken? Yes.

What are they learning in school? It's not going to help them survive in the modern era. All they need to know. We needed, they don't need reading and writing. All they need to know is how to be an influencer. We need a chimney sweep lead recovery. That's what we need. Yeah.

And not just a chimney sweep, child. A chimney sweep who knows how to do TikToks About chimney sweeping tips That's where the money is And a chimney ticktocks And an Instagram feed And maybe even at a chimney sweeping only fans Because you can't tell me there's not chimney

People who's kink his chimney sweeps out there I'm not saying for kids I'm just saying I'm thinking of retraining as a chimney sweep Only fans guy No? Okay You don't think there's any market for that

Because podcasting's not working out I know that you want to get into only fans, but I think you need to think more literally. It is only for fans. Only fans for the blind would work for you. But it's only for, you don't have to say it. It's only my fans. I'll say it. My chimneys, adorable chimneys, like a sooty face.

That's really horrible, except possibly, possibly a good idea. Our Gary is from Road, we're part of the Acast, Creator Network. We're going to leave it on that. That's terrible. We should have an uplifting. uplifting thought uplifting thought hang on

okay I'm going to Dodgers game I'm going to are you going to see the Dodgers I'm going to see the Dodgers I can either go

and see a lecture by Judd Appetow or the Dodgers and I think I've decided on the Dodgers because this is Judd Apatow who's made

some of your favourite films of all time yes one time only I could go and see him talk in some serious lecture at the LA Academy of

I mean I would see Jad Apatow because I was very nearly a 40-year-old virgin. I think I'd learn a lot about how to navigate that space. Now, the Dodgers are big. Don't they play every single day? The Dodgers play every day. Yeah, but do you get an opportunity to drink beer at a Dodgers game every day?

That's true. What you should do is you should go to one and stream the other. Okay. So you're sure that the Jet Avatar thing isn't straight? Because I've got to talk on the weekend with Brian Cox. I paid to go to it, but then I discovered you could stream it for half the cost. Oh, okay. So I sold my ticket in.

I'm just streaming. It means I don't have to go to the opera house. What a bore. Okay, yeah. I don't think so. I think... Go to the Dodgers and stream Juddapital. Yeah, no, but you can't watch baseball on TV, so...

And also, the baseball will be so much more memorable than a unique... Judd-Apital. Also, you should definitely go to the baseball because you just feel jealous of Jad Apatow that he was more successful than you were doing edgy comedy. Thanks for that uplifting thought. Our gear is from Road. Yeah, but no. And we're part of the ACASC credit network.

Goodbye. Enjoy LA. Thanks. Hells, you know what? It's fine. I've got a genuinely uplifting thought for you, okay? Oh, yeah. Okay?

Just take one of your fucking gummies and forget this conversation never happened. Great idea. Here we go. Oh, yeah, man. I'm so stoned.