The Chaser Report - House Mating | Vic Zerbst | Tom Cardy

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

Actual housemates Vic Zerbst (Freudian Nip) and Tom Cardy (a frankly ridiculous number of followers on TikTok) made a video for the Feed about how lockdowns turn housemates into... something more... that is also very much less, and relive their tensions with us. Also, Gabbi is suitably baffled by Luxe Listings, Charles declares bankruptcy, and partying Olympians vomit in inappropriate places. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by the brand new COVID Delta Plus. Now with a wider screen and thinner bezel that allow for even larger super retina XDR displays. It comes in two sizes and four stylish finishes, including new Pacific Blue. COVID Delta Plus, coming to all phones this November. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday. the 5th of August. Originally, we were planning to celebrate Victoria's Donut Day,

but then they went and fucked it up with a case, didn't they? Anyway, I've got some bad news. I've got some personal bad news. Oh, beyond the 6th lockdown coming up for Victoria. Yeah, what's your bad news? No, my, which is far worse, who cares about Victoria? No, my bad news is that I think I am going to have to declare bankruptcy. Oh, it's not for the company that I'm a director of, is it?

No, no, no, personal bankruptcy. It's all right. Oh, okay, right. No, because my son has found this game called Clash of Clans. Have you ever played Clash of Clans, Dom? I've seen a million ads for Clash of Clans over the years, and I have no idea what it is, and I certainly didn't know that it was likely to steal all of your money. Well, Harley's birthday is coming up.

He's turning 13, and the only thing he wants for his birthday is, I think it's gems or something, or diamonds or something. I can't remember what it's called. The in-game currency. And do you know how much it costs to keep up a Clash of Clans game addiction? Well, more money than you have, clearly. Yes, exactly. It's sort of like Sydney House prizes.

You look at them and you go, well, that can't be. You don't need $31 to build a castle in a fucking game, do you? And the answer is, yes, you do. Yes, yes, you do. On the bright side, probably he needs the in-game currency more than you need a house or any personal wealth. Well, the thing is, because he actually said, he said, well, we could move in to one of the castles that I've built in this game. And I think he was joking. I hope so.

Well, I know, but that's said, I wouldn't mind that option. I mean, it would be cheaper for me to build a house in Minecraft. Does it actually have to buy one in Sydney? The other thing is, Charles, I read in the paper yesterday, that Sydney property prices are actually increasing by so much that houses are earning more, like physical houses are earning more money than many CEOs. I've got to look at this with Gabby a bit later on. But so the more houses you can grab, the better. It's like every extra house, like having another CEO in the family. Okay, thank you.

I've now solved my problem. All I have to do is buy 10 houses, then use the increase in value to fund Hartley's Clash of Clan gems. And that'll be perfect. Thank you so much, Dom. There I was thinking I'd be destitute, but that's a really sensible, easy-to-do idea. Just get a suit of armour and like a mace and a long sword or something. and go and fuck shit up. On the show today, Gabi's going to talk, as I said, about house prices.

Plus, we've got Tom Cardi and Vic Zerbs, who did a music video last week about what it's like to be in lockdown together and suddenly get a little bit lustful. And frankly, that's all the content we could muster for today's episode, but yesterday's was 38 fucking minutes long, so go back and listen to that if you are wanting more content from us, which I suspect you aren't. But first, let's go to Rebecca Day and Mino in the Chaser Newsroom.

The Olympics are drawing to a close in four days, marking a gloomy time for canoeing and equestrian dressage athletes around the world. The Olympic participants fear they have to go back to their normal lives after two weeks of the public pretending they gave a shit about their boring sport. Security experts have expressed scepticism on the efficacy of vaccine passports. They worry that every vaccine bottle looks exactly the same and border guards will have a very hard time telling the difference. between the photos in each vaccine's tiny passport.

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Just for a change, Charles, let's do some lockdown-based content, shall we? Oh, see, we haven't done anything like that. So every joke will be completely fresh. It's a new direction. But one thing we haven't covered before, given that you and I have, you know, annoying kids and all that, is what it's like being a flatmate during all of this.

But fortunately, the feed covered this in great musical style last week with a video that featured actual flatmates Vic Zerbst and Tom Cardi. Let's just say singing and then a whole lot of other stuff. Here they are. Hello, Vic and Tom. How are you going? Because you're in the same house. That's why we can interview you together with it being legal and all that.

It's very true. How are we going? I'm going well. You know, just creating stupid things is what's keeping me sane at the moment. And it's what's making me insane at the moment. So we're kind of experiencing two sides on the same. same coin trying to make stuff while feeling really bad bad um now when i was in my many years of share housing i had a grand title of zero sexual tension with any people i live with

which was a source of great regret at the time but um honestly the two of you what we saw on that video it it was it was quite something like you could you could slice it with a knife couldn't you it's it's really hot shit and i think when you're sexy beasts like like we are like i'm I'm a hot piece of ass and Tom would you say I'd say he's a hot I'd say I'm tight I'd say he's tight and so together that's very difficult in a house you know yes it would have been incredibly difficult I mean how have you survived I mean even before lockdown how do you keep your hands off each other well I survive and this is true by having a girlfriend I do have a girlfriend that being said I am what is called bisexual I'm not sure

your listeners know no one knows what that is No one's heard of that. Yeah. They need to have an awareness day or something about that. We should have seven, or they should have two. They should have an awareness day about the awareness day. I agree. And so it's very difficult because I have a girlfriend,

but then I have Tom who's just hanging around. Just this piece of meat. But is it a real girlfriend, Vic, or is it a fig leaf that you're using to disguise your raw attraction to your house, mate? Can it be both? And before you get into that, Let's just have a listen to what we're talking about here. The extraordinary vocal stylings of Tom and Vic on the feed.

Watch the video because it's even funny than this. We've been friends for a long, long time. Been not going outside is a federal crime. Seven dating apps on my home screen, but you're the only legal human being. And my housemate. I want to ruin our friendship. I want to ruin our friendship in a shared lockdown space.

So did that video? cause any tensions with your girlfriend? No, do you know what? She's so supportive of my life. And she actually sent me Zadie Smith's essay in defensive fiction. And I used that back to her. And I said, well, babe, this is in defensive fiction. So this song is actually, it's my job.

It's my job to be horny. And that's what this is. She understands. It was actually her mom. Her mom DM'd me and was like, don't go sleeping with your housemates if you're in a committed relationship. and I was like, don't worry. You got in trouble.

I got in trouble from the in-laws. I said, don't worry, Jenny. Do they think it was just a documentary and they accidentally snuck a camera into your normal house? Yeah. Do you know what? This is the beauty of making anything. Sure, it's rooted in carnal truths,

but it can also be a cute little diversion from the truth. Right. And before you guys ask me, I don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. We just assume that, Tom. No, no, just before you ask me, I'm fine. and don't worry about it. No one's getting upset with me. No one's an antidote, you know.

I mean, when Vic was just dismissing the very real thing that you have as fiction, you looked a tad glum there, sir. Are you all right? You know. Are you all right? What you do is make TikToks all day. Sometimes you can have a little bit of a dream. I mean, you know, I'm no stranger to the friend zone.

I know what this is like. It's all right. It's all right. If you keep it up for years and years and years, nothing will change. Oh, great. That's my advice. To be completely honest, in like halfway through the songs, we were like writing it and we're like recording it and stuff in the home studio.

And then when we're actually recording the video for it, halfway through, I was like, hey, Vic, you know, we live together. And I was like, oh, this is, this is us. I was like, oh, I'm so glad I didn't think this performance. I may have been a little bit uncomfortable making it as sexual as I did. How did you get through half the video without realizing it was about you to? Let me tell you, Charles, I'm pretty stupid. I mean, my favourite bit is where you pan over and Ben Jenkins is there as well.

Because, I mean, if it wasn't a raging inferno of last before that, a guy who looks like he's 14 would certainly add a fresh line of, I don't know, illegality that makes it all that much more exciting. Yeah, yeah. It's actually true what they say, like in actors on stage, if there's chemistry on stage, it means there's no chemistry off stage. But if there's no chemistry on stage, it means they're rooting. That must mean you hate each other because there's so much chemistry

in that video clip. A lot of the faces that I pull in that are not sexy faces. There's just me trying not to vomit. And for me, it's very similar. Hang on, though, Vic, because you're actually leaving this menager household. I am. In the middle of lockdown, I'm leaving in like 12 days. Tom, once Vic goes, what videos can we expect from you?

I mean, heartbreak city, right? Literally the exact same video, same lyrics, Vick's voice, but Jenner's going to be doing it. I don't know. To be honest, I don't know the difference between them. Still, which one are you?

I'm the sad one. You know, Tom's actually, can I plug you? Yeah, plug you. I'm about to plug Tom. Tom has got an EP that's coming out, what, tomorrow?

On Friday, yeah. It's comedy and it's worse than any of the music. He's got an EP coming out in Spotify because he's my little genius and he's doing, what is it, TikTok Live? You don't have to say that.

People don't think that's a cool thing No, a lot of our team who unlike us actually have an existence on TikTok think you're amazing, Tom. Yeah, and the chaser is on the TikTok. We're hip to the groove. That's true. The talk is actually cool. What a cool thing is to say for someone on TikTok, you're hip to the groove. The chaser is the place to go if you want to have, you know, stuff that we recorded in the 90s with completely wrong aspect ratios.

That's the way I like. It's awful, isn't it? So what's your TikTok hand? Tom Cardi That's so hard to remember And what's Vick? Is Vick on TikTok or something? What can you plug?

No, you should get Tom to plug something for you. Oh yeah. I don't need you to plug anything. Vic has a beautiful girlfriend. A beautiful girlfriend. She's got, I mean, there's a musical buddy coming soon.

Yeah, I've pushed back my deadline for that. I'm in trouble, guys. Is it about Hamilton? Because I reckon that's a good idea. that's a good topic area I've gone through every single Australian politician trying to find something equally as interesting and you know what

every single one of them is worth a musical that's my take every single one of them well good luck resolving whatever it is that the interview you have going on it was lovely for you to share it with us thank you so much God bless you guys okay

God bless you I'm serious yeah bye bye is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

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Guaranteed to relieve stress and lower your heart rate to zero. COVID Delta Plus Max Pro. The future of Viruses is in your hands. Gabby's here. Hello, Gabby, what's on your mind? Hi. Well, I've, you know, obviously lockdown means I've been watching a lot more television. No, that's wrong. It's not even TV.

I think when I'm watching, it is television. It's just a streaming television, that's all. Yeah, well, yeah. So I've been turning to, you know, whatever shows I can find on streaming services. And I found one that blows my tiny brain. It's called Lux Listings, Sydney. I started watching it just thinking it would be like the average, you know, family home considered lux listings because it's in sydney yeah but it's not it's like it's like oh we have this five bedroom four bathroom uh villa for sale and like the language being used on the show is astounding because they're all these real estate that are used to selling these properties so they say things like surprisingly quite an affordable 14.5 million and i've been watching this show just like

who are these people and and what do they do for a living and there's like so many characters there's this one lady who just says at one point in the show she doesn't like an inspection that she goes through and she says, I would like a castle, cash isn't an issue. Imagine being able to say cash isn't an issue. So then they find her this castle. They find a castle in the middle of Sydney. So the show is what, the real estate agents going around and you actually get to see the people buying the houses and who are they?

I've always wondered, who are the people who can afford these ridiculous houses? Yeah, I don't know. Well, one of them seemed, like that lady who said cash isn't an issue, she also said, I want everything gold, convinced she works for the mafia. Is she Ivanka Trump? No, no. It was like, the craziest part is you expect to see like a famous person on this listing. If you expect to watch the show Lux listings and you're like, oh, well, I'll probably

see like a Hemsworth or something looking for a house. None of them. Gabby, can I just ask, this is a sort of mental health check? We're in Sydney. It's incredibly depressing already. How have you found an even more depressing version of Sydney than the one that we're all currently trapped in forever? Well, I mean, after I watched all of this show,

I watched, I binged it in like three days. I was like, I'm all of a sudden very invested in real estate. And I found another trailer for another show by the same company. And I'm so looking forward to it. Anyway, I'll play it for you now. From the team behind the glitz and glam of Lux listing Sydney. The Dover Heights property was first listed at 12 million, sometimes that price is not realistic.

I've signed it up on a new agreement at 9.5 to 10. Comes a new real estate must see, overpriced average homes. So this property is in the heart of Balmain. Cozy, rustic, and the Fisherpriced door ornament gives it a real family vibe. Asking prices, 1.4 million. Learn of the incredible benefits available to first homeowners. Yeah, we love this one bedroom, half a bathroom home, 1.2 mil is a bit over our budget.

Have you thought about using the first home buyers grant? No, no, how much will we save? Yeah, it takes it from being 1.2 million to... 1.2 million! That's the same price. Oops, I meant 1.3 million. Watch as people struggle to figure out how the housing market could possibly be that expensive.

So this property, obviously a renovation project, but if you're up for some minor reference, I'm sorry, this is literally the aftermath of a house fire. Like I said, minor repairs. It doesn't have a roof or foundations. It's hollowed out. It's burned. This is a crime scene.

Which is why we've knocked off $1.4 million from the $4 million asking price. Okay, we'll take it. Give me the fucking house. Overpriced average homes. Premiering tonight. If you can afford a TV. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. Less news more often. Charles, before we go, the Olympics is winding up.

And the Australian teams sound incredibly. well, and they're cutting loose. Charles, there's no other way to put it. They are absolutely cutting loose. Apparently, the men's rowing and rugby teams left their rooms in the Olympic field in, I quote, a messy and unacceptable state. There was a hole in a wall, a destroyed cardboard bed, and vomit in a location where vomit is not supposed to be.

They haven't explained what that location is, Charles, just saying that vomit was found in a place where it's not supposed to be. Look, if you've been one of the most successful Olympic teams for, what, decades, I think vomit is allowed to be wherever you want it to be, frankly. Well, also, there are under rules which said that you couldn't socialise outside your own room. So frankly, I think the whole room is fair game at that point. Yes, I think so. And anyway, didn't they just make the beds out of cardboard?

Like, isn't that, like, literally an invitation to trash your bed the moment you leave? I admire their restraints and not setting them on fire, to be honest. I think that's what I would have done. Just absolutely torch the things. Go out with a bang. I mean, what are they supposed to do? They've had it supposed to be the peak of their sport. in careers, and they've been had the dullest week

and mentionable. Yes, I think, I think you get a free pass and you can just do whatever you want and vomit wherever you like. That's, that's it. Like, in games past, it would have involved punching and having sex with Americans and, you know, all sorts of horrible, disgusting behaviour. Whereas, you know, just, you know, the occasional vomit in the, I mean, where would be an inappropriate place for vomit? I'm struggling to think at a party.

Well, but Charles, it's traditional at the end of an Olympics for future hosts to give a taste of their culture. And I like to think what we've done is show the world what the Brisbane 2032 games is going to be like. It's going to involve a lot of vomit in places it's not supposed to be. And wanton mass destruction. Yeah, that's right. There's also the mystery of the mascots, Charles.

This is the other thing that's... Oh, what's the mystery? Quite curious is that there were two mascots. There's inflatable emu and kangaroo, which vanished from the Australian team's resident. and they were eventually found in the vicinity of the German delegation. What do you think was going on there? Oh, well, you know Germans. They did wholesome sports with them.

Oh, do you think it was a sex thing? I assumed they'd do what I would do with any blow-up mascot and vomiting them. Well, it's almost over anyway, and I just hope Xander is vomiting in inappropriate places, potentially in intensive care. We'll hear from him again tomorrow. If he's alive. We haven't actually heard from him. Anything could have happened.

Nevertheless, you can find his chaseadoccom.com. Around the clock, sorry, should I be more concerned about Zander? Um, we've got insurance on him. I think it's a win-win. Either he's alive and that's good. Or we collect on the life insurance and that's even better. That's why insurance is so good, as Tony Burke was saying yesterday. You can leave a five-star review.

The code word for today is inappropriately placed vomit. Our gears from road microphones and we're part of the ACAST, Created Network. Catch you tomorrow. See ya.